Tag Archives: feelings

CHINESE NEW YEAR/CONVERSATIONS/FEELINGS

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Happy Chinese New Year to all my Chinese family and friends wherever you are. The morning is awashed with bright sunshine. It is only -24 degrees Celsius, quite a bit warmer than yesterday’s -40 C. My world looks so white, clean and peaceful. And yet it is not. The Coronavirus is still a threat amongst us. life and death goes on.

I hope I am not sounding morbid and pessimistic. I am not. I am feeling a bit strange and in limbo. It is not something new. I do go through such now and again. It’s a discomfort, like something is hanging over me that I’m avoiding. It’s because I’m such a procrastinator, always putting off little things until they get big. It’s true that you can put things under the carpet, but not out of your mind. They will nag and nibble at you. That’s what I’m feeling. Every time I resolve things, I vow not to let it happen again. I might as well save my breath. It does happen again because I am only too human.

It doesn’t mean that I should give up altogether. I am here at the keyboard earlier in the day. I am trying to have a conversation again. It’s good for our mental health to talk, to voice and share our ideas. But I’m not really in love with the way we communicate nowadays. For some people keeping in touch means ‘copy and paste’, sending stickers/videos/clips/attachments on Messenger, Instagram, text messages. Most of the time, there are no explanation or personal message. It doesn’t tell me anything about the sender or why I’m getting it.

We should not assume what we find interesting and useful would be the same for another. Think again before you hit that SEND button. Am I doing a service or disservice? Am I really being thoughtful or am I really thinking of myself? Different strokes for different folks. I think it would be good to remember etiquette is the same on all communication tools. I hope that I am also respectful in what and how I am communicating, but maybe I’m not. Perhaps those ‘unfriending’ on FB was a message. We all live with the consequences of our actions.

I have done well today. I hope I can keep it up and build on it. It is after lunch. I have done Chinese takeout for my parents and ourselves. It’s a chance for me to check on them without appearing so when I drop off the food. It was my mother who used to drop off stuff for me New Year and other occasions. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Children become the parents and vice versa. My brother will be dropping supper for them tonight. We celebrate together somehow.

I have skied 3 laps around the park this afternoon. An extra lap for prosperity. I’m trying to build stamina and speed. I did not gain any speed but am keeping my time under 11 minutes/lap. You would think I was training for the Olympics. LQOL (laughing quite out loud). It was quite lovely today being at least 10 degrees warmer and less wind. It was easier breathing and I didn’t get quite as frosty as yesterday. Scroll on the arrow to see.

HEALING MY ADDICTIONS

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It’s another Covid-19 morning, cool but sunny. I’ve gotten my addiction, my cuppa Orange Pekoe out of the way. It is definitely a trigger for my bladder. I’m not quite as in love with it this morning. I drank it out of a Corelle mug instead of my usual one of china. It does make a difference. Tomorrow I shall try one of my fine china teacups. I have quite a few sitting in the cabinet, just for show. If I’m going to suffer, I might as well do it in style. And they are quite a bit smaller than a mug – 1/3 smaller.

My mood is an improvement over yesterday’s. There’s no need to trash myself about it. I am susceptible to anxiety and depression. There’s no shame about it. These are difficult and weird times. Everyone is feeling it. A dog walking friend admitted that he was feeling anxious and needing some help. I talked to a neighbour at a distance yesterday. She looked tired and a little worn. Worse than me, I thought.

So here I am, tapping out a bit of conversation. I’ve pushed my damp mop around already. I took my dust cloth along, giving a wipe here and there. The mop is much lighter and easier to push than a vacuum. It’s faster and saves on the power bill. I’m learning new and better ways of doing. Hard to give up those ‘healthy’ and yet not good snacks. I’ve just had a few pistachios. They’re on the ‘bad’ list for me. I shall counter act with a couple of dates. I’m off to indulge in my crime novel before tackling lunch.

Now I’m in the evening of the day. Sheba and I had our afternoon walk in the sunshine. I never got my intended work on the other raised garden beds. It can wait till tomorrow. I did indulge in my crime reading. It is a good addiction sometimes. It dispels those creepy feelings of anxiety. My attention is focused on the crime and the chase. It’s a good escape hatchet. Just what I need sometimes. But I did not spend the whole afternoon in escapism. I did a little chopping up cabbage and this and that. Now I have two jars of kimchi fermenting in the basement.

So ends another day. I’m glad I’m showing up here for myself. Self talk is comforting and can be enlightening. Keep well and safe.

 

 

WEREN’T WE BEAUTIFUL

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I am having a bit of a struggle this morning just with the thought of being in ‘locked down’. My daily life activities have not really changed all that much. I do miss not being able to go to the library, swimming Saturday mornings and our Monday, Wednesday and Friday exercise class at the YWCA. The thought of not being able to get closer than 6 feet of another living human being (other than the ones you’re living with) makes me feel claustrophobic and breathless. It’s much like the time I accidentally locked myself in the car. I was in a  panic then. Even Sheba was taking up too much of my air. I had to roll the window down and stick my head out.

I had a talk with myself just a little while ago, put a load in the laundry, made myself a cup of tea and here I am with the poem of the day. The words are beautiful,  bringing to mind of different days and different times. I know the wisdom of being in the NOW. But it is also in our nature to look back as well as ahead. We are a sum of our total experiences. Our body registers pleasure moments as well as those frightful ones that come back to haunt us long after they are gone. It’s healing to recall those golden times evoked by photographs and poetry. I can close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, feel the breeze in my hair. I feel the vitality of my youth and the presence of my cousin next to me.

Now I’m soothed and smoothed, sipping another cup of tea. I’m no longer breathless and panicky. I can still feel the warmth of those sunny golden days and the presence of my cousin on this earth, knowing she is an angel in heaven.

Were’t We Beautiful

growing into ourselves
earnest and funny we were
angels of some kind, smiling visitors
the light we lived in was gorgeous
we looked up and into the camera
the ordinary things we did with our hands
or how we turned and walked
or looked back we lifted the child
spooned food into his mouth
the camera held it, stayed it
there we are in our lives as if
we had all time
as if we would stand in that room
and wear that shirt those glasses
as if that light
without end
would shine on us
and from us.

– Marjorie Saiser

 

 

WORDS, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS

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I’m on a 7 hour countdown with WordPress. I’ve decided to end my personal plan and go back to the free one. Nothing much changes except I’m not paying now. My handle is still athousandandtwo with a .wordpress added after and before the .com. Of course my media storage space is cut back to 3GB from 6. I wasn’t using much of the extra space these 2 years that I’ve had the plan. So what’s the point?

I know, a picture is worth a thousand words and they do speak to me. There’s whole conversations in a photo. Not everyone can hear them though. Words can speak just as well if not louder. I’m making a choice now. I’m choosing the written word. It’s not as if I’m giving up the whole picture. I still have 3 GBs of them at my disposal. But perhaps now that I have chosen the word, I can work on getting one thousand of them. It’s a worthy goal.

I can see the benefits of reaching beyond myself. It will boost my self esteem to prove that I’m not just a one or two liner girl. I can write more than just Hallmark greeting cards. That’s nothing to sneeze at either, if I can sell them. Secondly, working on more words could help slow down and organize my attention deficit brain. Having the goal would give me purpose in coming to this space. I’ve been mostly sighing and whining about this and that. Who wants to listen to that? I tire and bore myself.

So now I’m down to 5 hours before I’m booted back to the not so professional version of WordPress. My words will stay the same. I still give them equal and careful thought before hitting the PUBLISH button. My proof reading is not superb. Having an attention deficit brain, my eyes run ahead before the words can register. My thoughts skip all over the place, too. I work on pulling eyes and attention back to this page, to this moment, to this purpose.

I’ve been sitting every morning in meditation with Mark Williams on Youtube. I’ve been doing it since July. Sometimes I hear myself thinking with his British accent ..”and if you should find yourself…” It works. When I do find myself wondering off, I bring myself back to the breath, to the moment. Deliberate practice does make for better. It’s enough to encourage me to continue my practice. My moods and thoughts are getting healthier. Whenever I find my thoughts veering off in the wrong direction, I try to picture them as clouds passing in the sky. I let go of the emotions they stir in me though I do feel the resistence. I tell myself it is the right thing to do.  I send them back into the clouds passing in the sky. I feel the turnaround, the resistence melting away, the letting go of bad thoughts and feelings.

Now, WordPress tells me I have 4 hours left. I can still renew by paying. No, I’m keeping it simple and free. Hopefully I will still be here, in this my special tapping space.

 

 

 

 

 

THE STORM, SHEBA AND SLEEP

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We had another thunderstorm last evening. The rain hammered fiercely on the roof. It was noisy. Sheba was either too tired from the night before or else she was not bothered by the energy of this storm. She did perked up from her pillow, wandered about warily, going to the door, listening to the rain and thunder. But she did settled back on her pillow after some reassurance and petting.

The rain stopped before bedtime. We went to bed and all had a good night’s sleep. Not a peep from Sheba. How wonderful sleep felt after a night without. It is the best medicine. I felt strung out all day yesterday with the kind of tired that doesn’t let you sleep. I was a walking zombie for lack of a better description. It felt like somebody had died. It felt like a depression. I felt like behaving badly. I didn’t because I knew better.

I’m not one who rises singing. I felt like it this morning. But my lack of sleep the other night still affected my mood through the day. It went in and out. I felt pesky and irritated at times, wanting to act out. I didn’t but accepted my moodiness. I let myself feel whatever came up. I didn’t squish or squash them. They were left to do a slow simmer inside while I behaved my best on the outside. I am becoming a good Buddhist. Thank you, Pema Chodron for your wisdom.

It’s a beautiful day after the 2 rains. The temperature is perfect, with a light breeze. I could sit on the deck in the middle of afternoon. It was wonderful in my outdoor studio, painting my little index cards. Sheba is always nearby, the birds chirping in the cedars and I have my cuppa. I take care not to dip my brushes in it instead of the water. I sometimes struggle with the prompts for Daisy Yellow ICAD Challenge. But today they just came. It was so much fun, so satisfying.

Now it is getting to be almost 9 in the evening. It is still light, a splash of pale sun against the garage wall. It is so calm, a mellow yellow and tender evening. I can sit here and gaze at it forever if it lasts. But soon the light will disappear. Dusk will come, followed by the dark of the night. It is time for me to finish though it feels like I have a ton of conversation left in me. Nothing exciting or profound. They’re just the little stuff of this ordinary life. They’re as elusive as the butterfly and they fly away as quickly. I will have to wait for another day to catch them again.

MUTTERINGS ON A RAINY DAY

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Beginnings are damned hard! Look at how long we had to wait for the rain. There were days, weeks, months of possibilities of rain. It finally came today, our first real rain on this 20th day of June. We rushed onto the deck to witness and rejoice.

I feel somewhat akin to the dammed up sky, full of possibilites but unable to deliver. It’s a most uncomfortable and perplexing feeling. I’ve had days, weeks and maybe months of this. I hope I don’t have to wait till winter before I can unleash my whatever it is. It will be such a fury by then. I wonder if I’m a manic depressive. Hmm. Or it is just my ADHD symptons of trouble organizing and starting a task having a field day.

I’m trying to relax, gather and organize my thoughts so as not to waste time and energy going every which way. That is one of my handicaps. In between gaps here, I’ve vacuumed a couple of rooms and washed some Chinese broccoli for our lunch. My attention span is short and jerky. Doing some 4-7-8 breathing helps to relax and slow me down to concentrate better. The exercise has many other benefits of sleeping better, relieving anxiety and improving cardiovascular health. It takes only minutes in a day.

I have to make more of an effort in showing up here. I’ve said that a few times already, haven’t I? I know what to do but sometimes I can’t do it. I need a visual, physical written out agenda. That’s what this blog is for me, a roadmap, my GPS for my daily life. I need to get up, dress up, show up and tap here regularly for my mental and physical health. When I tap out my thoughts, wonderings, wishings, doings, it makes grooves and    pathways in my brain to guide me. They anchor and comfort me. I can see by the words, sentences and photos that I have not been idle and useless. I have been busy living my life as best as I can.

I’ve been feeling stuck, immobile, yucky and not getting anywhere. Sometimes feelings can be false and misleading. Somehow amidst all these feelings, I have put in a flower bed, a garden, raised vegetable beds, and a few flower pots here and there. The moral of the story is not to believe all your feelings. They can be your saboteurs.

IN THE CUL-DE-SAC

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I should listen to my own advice about starting. It’s not that I don’t want to. Sometimes I have to go through the period of being stalled, being hung in limbo, midair, not wanting to commit. Call it what you will. Maybe it’s my ritual of some sort. It’s good to have rest periods. I do feel an obligation not to waste time, to fill every moment of useful doings.

I’ve been caught in the limbo of not doing for days now. Every evening I catch myself saying, I will start in the morning. In the morning I find it is so much easier to sink into tomorrow is another day. It’s not that I’ve been a couch potato. On the contrary I’ve been on the ‘busy routine’ of living every day, doing the famous ‘busy stuff’ that everyone does.

It’s not that I have so many important things to do or to contribute. It’s that I’ve been  stuck in the cul-de-sac of lassitude, of not caring, of not having meaning, of not being important, of not being present. Perhaps it is called feeling sorry for myself or being in a depressive mood. My favourite excuse is that summer is not my favourite season. It brings out not so good memories of growing up in small town Saskatchewan. Everyone in town goes away to the lake or wherever on holidays, except the Chinese people who has the cafe. Oh, I remember those hot summer days of watching flies drone against the window screen and looking out at the empty dusty streets.

It’s strange how memories live in the very marrow of me. They are hidden deep inside and seep out on hot summer days. No need to worry about me. It’s just the way I talk/write. It’s healthy to be curious and investigate my feelings. It’s good to lay them down on the page in black and white. These ebb and flow of feelings are part of being alive. Feelings come and go like the tide. It’s like breathing in and out. Some are good and some not so. I’m still learning to accept them all, to sit with them as I must.

I’ve been reading Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You. I’m learning about Bodhichitta, being a warrior and staying in those scary places. It’s helping me to finally relax into life and not take things so seriously. Life is serious but things are not. I’m seeing the light now. Times when I don’t will come again. I have the words now. They could go away tomorrow. It’s all a cyle, the yin and the yan. That’s what I know for sure.

 

WHEN THINGS FALL APART

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Some days are harder to show up than others. I meant to come yesterday. When that didn’t happen I was trying for this morning but somehow I lost my way here. Distractions, thoughts, feelings, putting off and avoidance all contribute. It is always so much easier to go with the flow, not commit and not show up. But I am finally here in the after glow of supper and wine.

I have to admit that I’m feeling the boogeyman again.He shows up now and again. I’m awashed with the heebie jeebies. I’m ok though. I’m not off and running away to anywhere. I tell myself to stay. It’s just sensations.  I’ve been practicing and applying mindfulness. It’s such synchronicity that I am reading Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart at this time, too. She tells us that fear and anxiety are all part of being human along with all the other emotions. They all serve a purpose. I am learning to see my feelings in a different way, trying not to label them as good or bad and not trying to rid them.  I am the guest house as in Rumi’s poem.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I could say that I have been falling apart for quite awhile now. I do not consider it a bad thing. There was great pain with the shattering of what I was that no longer worked. Pain is a great teacher. It is also very cleansing. It sweeps out all the debris. After the pain subsides, I feel such sweetness and I can see so much clearer. It is a time for reconstructing, putting back the parts of myself that I like and the parts that works. This is not to say that I will live happily ever after or that the boogeyman is vanquished forever. I am sure there will be more falling apart. The next time the boogeyman comes, I will think of him as Mr. Sandman. He is less edgy and much more friendly.

DREAMS AND SCREAMS

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January 25, 2019  7:41 pm

It is later than I like. What should I talk about today? I feel a bit pressured, under the gun. Last night I dreamt that we were in Sri Lanka with my friend. We were at some kind of buffet. It was a bit weird as things are in dreams are. Most of the dishes were of some kind of rice. I didn’t have any Sri Lankan money. I didn’t buy any before the trip because I could get some from my friend, right? I woke up then. I told the guy about it. It reminded him that my friend had phoned yesterday when I was out. He had forgotten to tell me. That didn’t really surprised me. But what did was when I talked to my friend later in the morning. She said she was going to Sri Lanka on Sunday.

Oh, wow! I thought. I really should trust myself more in these matters. I’m the woman who saw ghosts when I was a little girl in China. I felt ghosts sitting and immobolizing me as an adult. I doubted myself, thinking they were just dreams. Once when it happened, I tried to prove I was awake and not dreaming. I blinked my eyes several times. I tried to scream but no sound came out. Then I tried to reach my bedside lamp to turn it on. I couldn’t quite reach my switch but I knocked it over. Or so I thought. Just then the pressure lifted and I could move freely. The lamp was still on the dresser, intact. I had felt my cat jumped off the bed when the lamp fell but it must have been my scream that sent it scampering. I will never know the truth of anything since I was alone in those times. I do now know that when I’m screaming silently in my dreams, they are not in the real world.

This afternoon I inadvertently found my safety deposit box. I asked the guy to move the VCR up from the basement to our upstairs TV. I went down to help him unhook it. My eyes landed on the teapot on the shelf above it. The knowing that the key could be there flash through my mind. Have you ever had those flashings. It’s just like in the comic books. I looked and fished around the teapot. Underneath some rolled up coins was the key. I would never have found it if I had gone on an intent search for it. Now I know to trust those feelings of mine.

HAVE I NEVER BEEN MELLOW

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November 25, 2018  8:15 am

I’ve been up for 3 hours already. It’s one of those early morning wakings when I couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s best to rise than to lay there thinking useless and maybe harmful thoughts. Sheba rose with me but then decided to go back to bed till way past her usual time. She didn’t come out till almost 7 and laid down on her pillow in the living room. She didn’t fuss for her breakfast. I thought maybe she got fed somehow.

That wasn’t the case though. She hadn’t. She must have sensed that I needed peace and quiet. Aren’t our pets precious? She is so intuitive and a comfort. She is my pillow, my blanket and cuddly bear. She is my best friend and the child I never had. This morning I had to ask if she wants to eat, a first ever. The answer was Yes!

Olivia Newton John’s song Have You Never Been Mellow has been playing in my head.

Have you never been mellow?
Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you?
Have you never been happy just to hear your song?
Have you never let someone else be strong?

Seeing the words and questions on the page, I have to say No, I’ve never been or I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt that. Mostly I’ve been feeling hostile, angry and dissatified. Why mince feelings and words?  Sometimes I feel demons walking over my grave. Waves of unease and sadness wash over me. I want to cry. I feel such loneliness as if I’m the last human on earth. I’m that one hand clapping, the echo unheard. I want to act out but who’s here to notice? So I do not. I take a deep breath and try to change my thoughts – to change my feelings. I do not try to ‘fix’ anything. Fixing does not work except to make me feel worse.

Amid all the questions and feelings I do hear my adult voice. It’s telling me not to believe all these. It’s not who you really are, it tells me. You are hurting and harming yourself believing them. Choose another way to be. I have to listen to its wisdom. Another way is quietening myself. I try to focus on things that work. I concentrate on the mechanics of doing. Trying to figure out the ‘how’ of doing something engages my mind in the ‘doing’ and away from ‘feeling’. I have to be careful that the project is not too complex. That would only result in frustration.

Writing, tapping out the words, problems and feelings is my best bet. I find rhythm in flexing my fingers on the keyboard. It eases and releases tension. They are breathing in and out for me. Somehow solutions come along with the tapping. Cleaning house is therapeutic. Dusting is soothing. I’ve gotten not to mind vacuuming with my Dyson stick. I’m quite proficient at it. It doesn’t feel like such a chore any more. I’m getting some pleasure from having a dog hair free house. I’m killing several birds with one stone.

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