Tag Archives: change

FEEDING OSCAR

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What strange times we are in. So many things we cannot count on – the weather, people, peace and equanimity. This is the summer that wasn’t. Already it feels like October. The furnace kicked in on a couple of cool mornings. The thunder and rains came early in the morning before we rose. All day the clouds reined. The rains came again at supper time. Sheba and I were lucky. We had our walk and had time to harvest a few beans, strawberries and tomatoes from the garden.

I’m feeling fortunate that I am not feeling ‘under’ with the weather. I’m feeling quite on top of things, filled with a wee bit of vim and vigour. Knock on wood. It’s not just luck. I’ve been working on myself, doing my own reconstruction workshop. I hate feeling poorly, don’t you? I’ve been chipping away parts of myself that I do not like. It’s not easy. Old habits die hard. Mostly it is about old habits. It’s so much easier to go the well rutted way than to find different routes. It’s taken me these many days and ways to do it.

It starts with recognizing how I don’t want to feel. And then seeing how I always react to those feelings. When I always react the same way, then I always get the same results. Simple math. Choosing to act different is not so simple. I had to swallow my pride and stubborness. They’re big lumps and hard to go down. I had to tell myself that it’s the right thing to do over and over. Practice does make for easier. It takes time for it to take hold and feel natural. I’m getting better and feeling better. That’s probably what’s giving me vim and vigor.

Having projects keeps me buoyed. I’m learning to make sourdough bread. I’m inspired by Zero-Waste Chef. The whole process looks very slow and complicated. It’s enough to discourage me but it hasn’t. I’m looking at it as a science experiment, taking one step at a time. It’s not like me at all. Mind you, I’m only 6 days in. I’m still excited. My starter came alive yesterday. I have to feed it every day now. I named it Oscar. I check on him numerous times a day to watch him at work, munching and making bubbles. I much rather use my energy and time to feed Oscar than all those negative emotions of depression, anger, envy, jealousy and what-have-you of the past. Maybe I will have a loaf of bread to share in the near future.

 

WORDS, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS

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I’m on a 7 hour countdown with WordPress. I’ve decided to end my personal plan and go back to the free one. Nothing much changes except I’m not paying now. My handle is still athousandandtwo with a .wordpress added after and before the .com. Of course my media storage space is cut back to 3GB from 6. I wasn’t using much of the extra space these 2 years that I’ve had the plan. So what’s the point?

I know, a picture is worth a thousand words and they do speak to me. There’s whole conversations in a photo. Not everyone can hear them though. Words can speak just as well if not louder. I’m making a choice now. I’m choosing the written word. It’s not as if I’m giving up the whole picture. I still have 3 GBs of them at my disposal. But perhaps now that I have chosen the word, I can work on getting one thousand of them. It’s a worthy goal.

I can see the benefits of reaching beyond myself. It will boost my self esteem to prove that I’m not just a one or two liner girl. I can write more than just Hallmark greeting cards. That’s nothing to sneeze at either, if I can sell them. Secondly, working on more words could help slow down and organize my attention deficit brain. Having the goal would give me purpose in coming to this space. I’ve been mostly sighing and whining about this and that. Who wants to listen to that? I tire and bore myself.

So now I’m down to 5 hours before I’m booted back to the not so professional version of WordPress. My words will stay the same. I still give them equal and careful thought before hitting the PUBLISH button. My proof reading is not superb. Having an attention deficit brain, my eyes run ahead before the words can register. My thoughts skip all over the place, too. I work on pulling eyes and attention back to this page, to this moment, to this purpose.

I’ve been sitting every morning in meditation with Mark Williams on Youtube. I’ve been doing it since July. Sometimes I hear myself thinking with his British accent ..”and if you should find yourself…” It works. When I do find myself wondering off, I bring myself back to the breath, to the moment. Deliberate practice does make for better. It’s enough to encourage me to continue my practice. My moods and thoughts are getting healthier. Whenever I find my thoughts veering off in the wrong direction, I try to picture them as clouds passing in the sky. I let go of the emotions they stir in me though I do feel the resistence. I tell myself it is the right thing to do.  I send them back into the clouds passing in the sky. I feel the turnaround, the resistence melting away, the letting go of bad thoughts and feelings.

Now, WordPress tells me I have 4 hours left. I can still renew by paying. No, I’m keeping it simple and free. Hopefully I will still be here, in this my special tapping space.

 

 

 

 

 

WALKING IN MY SHOES

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I am still here after all these years, since May 2012. I haven’t come a long ways though. I need to change my ways. Things happen for a reason. Time for me to wake and listen up. I need to change my goals along with the times. Writing a thousand words a day was not realistic for me. I have not reached it once. Maintaining my writing space here is do-able and helpful. I am sure a goal of 10 years is attainable. I’ve already done 7.

Yesterday the guy had a run in with our neighbour from Mars. She was busy digging a trench in our yard to run off rainwater from her driveway. When asked what she was doing, she went on a rampage again about how she has to clean up our messy, weedy yard all the time. What this meant for us is that she has had the Weedman spray pesticide onto our property along our raised vegetable beds. I put a stop to it by phoning the company each spring that this is not what we want and it is not legal. She has also had someone cart off boards and other objects we put aside by our garage on our side of the fence.

My list of things to complain about her is long. It started with her moving next door. Not only does she shovel her snow off her driveway onto my yard. She shovels it over the fence. She claims that it was the first time she lived in a house and didn’t know that wasn’t proper. She complains about my dog’s barking. They couldn’t hear the birds sing. Yet she and her partner at the time fought, yelled and slammed doors. My beans can’t climb over the fence. She cuts them off if they do. She complained about the mulch in our front yard. It’s a fire hazard. And so on and on.

I’ve lived beside her for over 10 years now. I’ve learned that to have peace, I had to ignore her totally. Not to look at her. Not to talk to her. I had to let her ‘own’ my little strip of space by her driveway to do as she please. Let her dig, plant little spruce seedlings, guard it 24/7 if she wants. I have better things to do. Once in awhile I would get caught by her ‘friendliness’ and engage somewhat. But then I would end up paying for it. That last time a few summers ago, I got so upset and angry. To find relief, I went for a ride on my tricycle. Maybe it was because of my distress that I lost control riding over a bumpy stretch. I ended up with the trike on top of me. I was in pain. It was heavy. I was lucky that my injuries were not severe. I was able to get up and ride home.

I have lived in equanimity beside her since, not responding to her at all. But the guy’s run in with her and the racist eposide in Richmond, B. C. caught on social media, brought back the memories and bad feelings. Though the neighbour has never slung any racist slurs at me, the hurt’s still feel the same. Though the woman in Richmond didn’t say those words to me, but to another Chinese woman, they hurt just the same. Her ‘Chinky, Chinky China Lady are the echo of ‘Chinky, Chinky China man from my childhood. The hurt I feel are from all the wounds from past hurts I could not understand.

It is good for me to keep this space to tap out my grievances, my sob stories. I can soothe and smooth myself. It is difficult and unfair to expect understanding from others. Only I can walk in my shoes. I can only expect change in myself – in what I do and what I say.

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

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And the winds continue to blow. I feel its howl in my bones. I’m caught back in the space of restless anxiety. Have you ever been there? It’s not a restful place. I’m here tapping on my keyboard on this 25th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I hope the rhymthic tapping can soothe and smooth me. If nothing else, I will have a blog post. I am a little displeased with myself for having fallen into this nervous trap – again. I feel like Alice plunging down the rabbit hole. But it is really not my fault. It is my brain and nervous system. I am built this way. I can’t help it.

I breathe and think loving kindness towards myself. May I be safe. May I be calm. May I be peaceful. May I be loved. I imagine the wind whispering all these to me. I picture a kind smile on its face. I feel the wind wrapping me in its warm embrace. I am stroked and loved. I am safe. I can let go of the tightness in my limbs. I can let go of my breath. I will not fall. I feel the sun coming out to smile down on me.

All is well. The world is as it should be. There is nothing I can/need to change except what is within me. When I change, everything changes also. I am that pebble thrown in the ocean. Gee, I have more power than I realize. What a Eureka moment! I am not immobilized by my fear. I am moving my fingers across the keyboard. The fear is a catalyst for opening my senses to new ways of seeing, feeling and thinking. I will survive this after all. Hallelujah, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

So now it is evening. I have survived another day. And none the worse for wear, I might add. I got lost again, led astray by Mrs. Google Maps. Lost is my usual state of being. I drove around and around. I was a  little frazzled and late for my appointment. People are kind. Women are not good with directions. I am not good with directions. Nobody was mad. We all had a chuckle. Life is mellow again.

 

20 MINUTES, 20 MINUTES, 20 MINUTES

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It’s 9:12 am. I’m doing well in some areas of my new life. I’ve done my reading for 20 minutes, 30 minutes of mindfulness meditation and almost 20 minutes of my Jesus stitches. I feel somewhat psychologically nauseous, not at all at one with the world. I do believe with a change in anything, I will feel worse before I will begin to feel better and that this is worth the effort. I know that in my head if not in my heart.

But hey, here I am, tapping out my testimony. I will feel what I feel, think what I think. I will try not to pass judgement on any of this. My hands feel weak, limp at the wrist. The Jesus stitches were more difficult this morning. I had to count rows, change threads, use my magnifying glass to see where in the pattern I’m at. It’s complicated. I hate complications. I hate the counting and recounting. I would like to coast and not to change threads and have all the stitches the same. But it would make for a bland, no picture, wouldn’t it? So I suck it up and breathe into and out of my frustrations. Another little section accompli. Now I have to go for my cuppa.

It is 12:16 pm. I’ve spent some time sewing on my tablecloth. Had another mishap with finger in the way of the needle. Not being mindful again but at least the needle did not break. I might have to wear a thimble on that finger. Lunch is finished but the dishes not yet dealt with. I’ve made my appointment at the hearing center at Costco to get my hearing checked and a consultation about hearing aids. Hearing loss, no matter how small, affects brain function. Not doing anything about it is laziness and procrastination on my part. It is another positive step for me.

The MUSTS are done for the day. I can coast relax a little for the rest of the day. It is advisable not to tax myself with too long a list. It would be good if I can do the dishes and a few other household chores. Then I need to schedule a happy hour or just 20 minutes.

HEART SONGS

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I’m grateful for no snow overnight. I just need a little break from shovelling. However, I’ve just looked up the forecast. It is for more snow and frigid temperature. Oh yay! But really, I’m not all that stressed over it. Sheba is pretty cool about it, too. She’s sitting pretty, waiting patiently for her supper. She’s been a super girl the whole week. She’s very good at keeping me up and going and going. Oops! She’s coming over to give me a gentle nudge. I guess she’s earned her supper. We can go for an earier walk after. I find my energy and mood starts to sag about 3 pm.

I guess I needed my rest. Those words from a few days ago. Chinese New Year is a good day to pick them up again. February is heart month and a month for sowing seeds, ideas, hope and love. My goal for this month is to soften, open and expand my heart. I want to lose my cynicism, pessimism and bitterness. I want to do away with my What does it matters. In this life whatever we put out in the universe matters. Every word, thought and action counts. I’m learning and trying to sing new tunes. I’m inspired by Mattie Stepanek. I thought if a 13 year old boy can sing heartsongs, so can I.

I know it will not be easy. Old habits die hard. But if I set the intention I’m more likely to succeed. If nothing else, I am a hopeful person. I am always open to learn from my own mistakes and to wisdom from others. SuperSoulSunday had a great interview of Norman Lear. He’s over 90 years old and have produced many TV shows – All in the Family, The Jeffersons Sanford and Son, Good Times, Maude Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and One Day at a Time. I like what he says when something is over, it is over. Then it’s time to say next!

 

I FOUGHT MYSELF AND I WON

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January 4, 2019  4:41 pm

I have heard that I’m my own worse enemy. It could be true. I’m always wrestling with myself, getting myself all knotty over nothing alot of the time. Life shouldn’t have to be that difficult or complex. It does not need micro managing. A little chaos now and again keeps it fresh and interesting. I need to loosen up, have a little fun and just do the best I can. Nobody is judging me except myself.

How am I going about doing it? Well here is the plan. It’s not well-laid but it’s a start. Movement/action is the most important thing. Otherwise I’ll be crouched and frozen at the starting line till I fall over.

  •  Stop judging and comparing myself. It is probably the most difficult thing.
  • Try not to fall off the plan. If I do, I need to get back on or adjust if it’s not a good one.
  • the 3 musts – sleep, diet, exercise
  • Do Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages and Artist Dates.
  • Tend to things as they arise. Do not leave them for the morrow.
  • Read The Four Agreements again.

These are some of the things in my plan. They are enough for now. More can be too much and overwhelming. These grey wintry days are hard for me and my moody personalities. I can’t see my evil twins. They come from the inside out, erupting from within. I am without warning. But I am a little more cognizant now but often I forget till after the damage is done.

My moody sisters can stall me, leaving me open mouthed and stammering. What the hell? It takes a little while before things click and I take back control.  But sometimes they do steamroll over me. I’m flattened and down without recognizing their handiwork. It is those times I fall off the wagon and lack the will/strength to climb back on. What is the use, was my mantra.

I try not to say that or other negatives any more. Words are powerful and what I tell myself and others matter. I have to change and sing a different tune.

 

 

THE HEAT IS ON

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There are no easies especially on sizzling hot days. My AC doesn’t work. Turning it on only killed the furnace fan. And no AC. How does that make life better, eh? So here I am chilling on the deck, trying to tap wildly. Sheba is sleeping at my feet. I’m a little cramped, no room to stretch my legs. Oh well, I’ll have another little sushi roll. They’re mighty tasty. I only meant to have a couple. But I might eat the frigging tray.

It is midnight. I should go to bed. The day is always full. The heat makes it difficult to move fast. It’s not till now that I find time to sit and be with myself. So one more sushi and I will head off. I am getting sleepy. I will come back in the morning.

I didn’t quite make it back here this morning. Sheba decided to sleep outside on her hollowed hallowed ground last night. She wouldn’t budge. I left her there knowing she will want to come in once I’m sleeping. Sure enough, she barked me awake at 1:30 am. I had a difficult time getting back to sleep. I got up at 6 am. I’m a little sleep deprived today.

We’re hanging out on the deck again. It’s 9:30 pm. I did get my AC and the furnace fan working again. That is after a few hours and a couple of hundred dollars. It’s worth the cost keeping us two old broads cool and collected. It also gave me a sense of empowerment – fixing problems instead of not. I’ve learned by now that problems never go away on their own. A little pain in the beginning is better than a bunch more down the road. I would have felt better if I had more sleep. My energy was spent in the morning walking Sheba. Then tending the garden while it was still relatively cool.

So life is not exactly a piece of cake. It never has been for me. Probably not for you either. I’ve never been comfortable with these pains in the ass. I’ve never been able to sit still with them. If you don’t know me, I don’t suffer well in silence. I don’t holler. I voice and try to get to the bottom of things, rationalize and FIX. It hasn’t done me much good at all. I end up being angry, feeling victimized and guilty for everything all the same.

I think I’ve finally come to my senses. I’m finally hearing Dr. Phil, Oprah or whoever that said: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. I have HEARD. I’ve always claimed that I am comfortable in my own skin. I don’t think I really am. Why else would I try to get out of it all the time? Why do I feel victimized? Why do I feel guilty? Am I not worthy to be treated with consideration? Why am I so angry at myself all the time?

So dear hearts, it is time for me to step off this wheel of insanity. I’m stepping back into my own skin. I will learn to sit and stay in it like Sheba. I will try to keep quiet and not ask stupid questions that have no answers. Slap me if I ask another why. Tell me to shut up if I try to give you advice. Kick me if you have to. I’m going out of the advice and fixing business. The door is closed.

 

IT IS GOOD ENOUGH

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The sun came as ordered today. My bedding plants and I breathed a sigh of relief. Our world looks bright and hopeful once more. I don’t like change very much but nothing is constant. Even though I can try to hang onto things with tooth and nail, changes are happening all around me and to me. So I am learning to lean towards it rather than running away. Life is easier and better that way. I breathe easier and deeper accepting that which I cannot change.

What took me so long, eh? I don’t like to acknowledge that I could be wrong or that there is another way. There is always another way/side to everything. I see through so many shades and filters of my lens depending on what I want to see. I can use so many justifications to make everything sit copacitic with my heart and soul. I didn’t even know it until now.

Knowing that, I’m slower voicing my thoughts and opinions. I take longer to observe and reflect. There’s no hurry to form a judgement, is there? I’m going to blame my nursing profession again for some of my lacks. When you work in a hospital setting of life and death, there’s a crisis around every hallway. It’s STAT this, STAT that. You have to make quick decisions. It’s action and reaction, a snap of the fingers. I take all the stuff home. I treated everything like a crisis. Have to fix it right away. Right now, STAT!

Most of life is not a crisis. Many things and decisions can wait. Many decisions are not life and death. They don’t have to be THE perfect decison. I have to use my best judgement and pick one. Then I need to let go and not agonize over whether if it was THE best. Most of the time it does turn out to be the best.

I’m sitting in glory and ease, tap, tapping out gleefully in my moment. I’m experiencing the sweetness of a success. I had talked about my father losing all his PC Optimum points on his card yesterday. It took me quite a few phone calls and emails to straighten it out. It would have been much easier for me to give him the $20 and lie about recovering it from the company. I decided to follow through with one more phone call and one more email. Low and behold, I looked at his account online. It said, Welcome Sam. Your point balance is 9,146. It is short 5,000 points from what he thought. It is good enough. Better than 0.

It is a good enough day, too. It was 2 degrees Celsius this morning. Now it is 20 degrees. All the bedding plants are airing and sunning on the deck. I have seeded one raise bed with spinach, lettuce and kale. Crossing my fingers and toes they will germinate. The seeds had sat all winter on the deck. Life is like that. Not perfect. Not bad. Some sunshine. Some rain and lots of snow at times.

IF YOU BELIEVE ME, COPY AND PASTE

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It’s very easy to get derailed and fall off the track. I’m taking care not to linger and languish as it is my weakness. I could have curled up all morning with Sue Grafton’s I is for Innocent. I found it last week while I was sorting and dusting my bookshelves. I didn’t even know I owned one of her books. That’s the wonder of just collecting and not inspecting what I have. I get to oooh and aaah over new found treasures like a kid.

I could have lingered all morning, but I didn’t. It wasn’t easy but I got off my duff. I did my qigong routine. I tried to put my awareness on my movements but that darned mind kept wandering off. I had to rein it in time and time again. In my mind’s eye, I was emptying all the unnecessary stuff out of me with each outbreath. It was relaxing. I felt lighter as I breathe out all the crap.

Practice does make for better. Guess what? I’ve finished reading Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself! Now to put into practice what I have learned. I tend to gather information and stop there. Having the information doesn’t accomplish much except that I have the knowledge. Without use, it is useless. It is much like Facebook’s copy and paste. Have you thought about what that does? It’s just copying and pasting. You haven’t done a damn thing. That’s my way of thinking but I’m opened to hear a good argument to the contrary.

What have I done with my morning?

  • Qigong as mentioned.
  • Deboned 2 chicken (both partially eaten) for souping in the Instant Pot.
  • Making list for shopping at Costco this afternoon.
  • Vacuumed the kitchen and dining area.
  • Writing this post.

It’s a lot for me, the Languishing Queen. I’m happy with my results. I’m enjoying travelling in the slow steady lane, going as far as I can see what is in front of me. Maybe I can slowly increase my speed as I get the hang of things.