Tag Archives: challenges

ONE EGG, FOUR BREATHS

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Ah, a sunny summer morning! I have to treasure them. They don’t come guaranteed. We’ve had long stretches of cloudy mornings this summer. Things are not what they used to be. There’s volatility in the air. Anything can happen within a given day. Perhaps things have always been thus. I’m just waking up to reality of the impermanence and the shifting ground beneath my feet.

I’ve committed myself to this month of waking up, getting up and showing up. 16 days in, I’m becoming more conscious of each present moment. Waking up this morning, I took care to unfurl my curled up limbs, wiggle my toes and shake out my fisted hands. Blood flow eased the tension and aches. I realigned my body, head stacked atop of squared shoulders, hips beneath, etc. all the way down to my toes. Next, I did a cleansing out breath, followed by the 4-7-8 breathing exercise. Last, I adjust my attitude before getting out of bed to start the day.

16 days into this Ultimate Blog Challenge, I’ve lived up to my commitment. I’ve written every day, though I have posted 2 days in one post. Some days life calls and I have to answer. It’s all about priority and balance. I have stuck to my one egg only for breakfast except once a week when I swim in the morning. I would have breakfast after at 10 am. I would treat myself to toast and eggs.

Speaking of volatility and impermanence, the sunny day had turned cloudy. I became like Sheba, sensing the change in the atmospheric energy. I became anxious, my head cloudy and heavy. I would not be able to work myself out of a wet paper bag. I had to give up my effort at finishing this post and sorting my paper clutter. It would be wasting time and reinforcing the idea that I’m useless and hopeless.

Instead, I thought of things I could do. My mother was expecting me for her “medicinal soup” at lunch time. It was a bit early but my car is running low on gas. Why don’t I gas up first on the way? I need a few things I could get at London Drugs which is on the way. I could drop off some old used batteries for recycling there, too. Oh yes, I have a letter to mail. Maybe there’s a mailbox nearby.

I’m happy to say missions completed. Even though it was cloudy, I still felt better getting out the door. I felt somewhat apprehensive and shaky. I took care driving. It took 2 tries at the gas pump to get my correct password for my credit card. Sometimes that happens on my good days, too. I did all my stuff at London Drugs and found a mailbox outside Staples next door. My mom’s soup was delicious and nourishing. We had a good visit. She gave me some ginger candy. I came home and had an apple. Sheba got some rice and my apple peels. My auto insurance company left a voice message with the info to complete a form I didn’t know how to fill.

All is well with a light shower. The earth needs another drink.

 

FEAR OF SUCCESS

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Day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am empty of ideas and words for the page. To tell the truth, I am weary of challenges and trying and plodding forth. In this space and time, I would like to give everything a rest, not to give any thought or effort. In other words, I want to vegetate. But I know it’s not something to strive for. I’ve been spending some time there already. It hasn’t good for my mind. It leads to laziness and not living my best life. I’ve been sleep walking through my days.

I feel sleepiness tugging at me as I sit here tapping away. I sit up taller in the chair, realigning my head and shoulders. It’s as if I’m preparing for meditation. I hear the children’s voices from the daycare two houses away. I can see them playing through the fence slats. The sun is out. It is a beautiful day. I am now awake and in the moment. I’ve been missing too many of such moments, immersed too much in my own thoughts. I have to let in more of the world around me.

I’m struggling to tap out words and thoughts, the things I said I don’t want to do. But the effort is worth the struggle because the goal of this month of April is to see clarity and make progress. Neither is possible languishing and not being home in myself. I see now that I have been absent, not taking responsibility, making excuses, trashing myself, blaming circumstances. I could go on forever. I can see and understand a little now what is meant by fear of success. The fear is also about living up to that if, indeed, I do succeed. It feels safer to be in failure. But I no longer want to dwell in that valley. I can survive a little fear.

PERSPIRATION VS INSPIRATION

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May 9th, the 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Beginnings are challenging. I’m not inspired this morning. Instead of sitting here, staring into space, thinking about how to make my first tap, the first letter, word, sentence, I move in the direction of things calling to be done. The bathroom floor is the loudest but the least attractive. I heed the advice of doing the hardest thing first. After vacuuming the mats, I washed that square inch of floor. I don’t understand my feelings of ‘hard to do’ stuff. They are not hard at all except in my mind. Knowing and acknowledging that makes each time easier.

Having done that and a few other chores, I am trying to tap my heart out. I am hit with a wave of sleeping sickness. I will try to keep my eyes open and search for a bit of inspiration. I think mostly it is born out of perspiration, the hard work of chipping away at something. It’s like my patchwork tablecloth. It began years ago with sewing squares together. I was just making use of the fabric remnants I had picked up at the closing of a drapery and upholstery store years ago.

It was years before I had bought my Bernina sewing machine with an embroidery module. My purpose for it was not the machine embroidery. I was inspired by artistry of the quilters at the Saskatoon Quilters Guild Quilt Show in 2017. I was determined to get one those fancy dancy machines on display. By golly I did that December. It was so fancy I had to let it sit in the box for awhile before tackling it. I watched many tutorials on how to use the self threader before I could latch onto it. It was many hours watching tutorials before I could even understand the manual. I was happy to sew just a straight seam. I got a high from the sound of the thread cutter. A few months later and lots of perspiration, I was drawing with the needle, my wildest dream come true.

The machine embroidery came much later after more perspiration. It’s another post.

ON ANY GIVEN DAY

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April Fools’ Day and first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The participants are called upon to write a post a day for the month. I am still on standby mode, having difficulty to move boldly forward. I am hoping the challenge will snap me to attention and breathe some life into me. I have such difficulties with all of life on any given day. But I do try my best on most days.

I do not always succeed to rise above myself. Therefore I’ve learned to accept my failings as well. I do not stay down though. I do rise like the Phoenix from the ashes of my failures. I take the lessons learned and apply them to my new endeavours. Each day is a new beginning, a new slate. A failure is an experience, gained knowledge and wisdom. Nothing is wasted. Every effort is rewarded somehow. I am never hopeless.

What are some of my lessons learned?

  1. I am not a high energy person. I cannot multi task. I cannot take on too much on any given day. It is wasted time and energy if I do.
  2. I have an ADHD brain. It is just a great
  3. big mess. I have problems with executive function – especially in  managing paperwork and finances, creating schedules and meeting deadlines, checking details and tracking progress, ensuring consistent, steady, uniform output.
  4. I know what I’m suppose to do. I just can’t do it. I need to sit down and write out a plan. I just haven’t done it yet. I need to start small to get going.

I’ve probably said all this last month. I’ve said it again this month. There’s no better time to actually do it than the present time. April is the hardest and cruelest month, a month of challenges, goal setting and doing what I said I would.

 

HAPPY FOR NO/MANY REASONS

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January 1, 2019  10:02 am

Happy New Year! It’s a new day, a new year and a new challenge. I’m committing to the Ultimate Blog Challenge  of writing a post every day for the month of January. I’m not one for making New Year Resolutions but it’s not such a bad idea. Even if you fall off the Resolution wagon every year, you’ve made the effort to come back again and again. You have hope for a longer ride each year before falling off. It’s better than having no hope and no resolutions. What then?

My resolutions are the challenges of creating through words, art and photography that I find online. I’ve completed most of them except the 365somethings2018. I fell off its wagon maybe halfway. 2018 was a hard year, a long year. It felt good to surrender and say ‘uncle’. It was bigger than me. I had to ‘give up’, rest and gather up my strength again before climbing back on the wagon. My wheels were mired in immovable muck.

But here I am, sitting here, tapping, sipping my tea. I’m dressed in my ‘good clothes’, red sweater for prosperity. It’s not Chinese New Year, but it is a new year. I hope to tap up an abundance of Gong Hee Fat Choys (wishes for prosperity). Maybe they will come to be on February 5th, Chinese New Year. Wouldn’t that be cool?

It is cool on this western New Year’s morning. I’m warm and content, happy for no reason and for many reasons. When all my basic needs, food, shelter and clothing are met, the rest is like they say, is gravy. I have lots of gravy. I am retired with a good pension. No more early morning risings. No more night shifts. I have my health, family and a few good friends. I can count them on one hand. The Universe gives me enough. I am not able to handle much more than that. Sheba is the gift from my angels above. I get to celebrate the new year two times every year. I get second chances to get it right. I shall not make too many demands. I have enough.

THE GLAD IN SAD

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Sheba is doing her job. She gets me out whether I want to or not. She’s not affected by seasonal changes at all. When I ask her if she wants to go for her walk, she pops up off her haunches every time. She didn’t fail to do so today. I only had to ask once. I said a silent darn. I didn’t want to but I can’t fail her. She loves her walks. No matter the weather or conditions I may have, she gets me out the door.

Today was one of those comfy misty gray and cool days. I didn’t do the hot chocolate marshallow thing but I cozied up to the fireplace downstair. Mind you I was not idle. I worked on my Bernina sewing machine and my paints. I made up for the days when I couldn’t do either. I might as well go with the roll when the rolling is good. That’s what I’ve learned to do. Make good of the good times. When the SAD hits, I can afford to shut down and not feel guilty. I can put my feet up and rest on my laurels.

I’m not speaking for everyone but I am not unhappy that I am affected by SAD. It is part of me. Who would I be without it? Would I be as interesting without my idiosyncrasies, my grumpiness and what have yous? Maybe you might find me easier to be with minus all that, but don’t I challenge you to be more this way? I am more having to search for the whys and hows to be living with who I am. Life is not stagnant when there’s so many ups, downs, sideways and bumps to deal with.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

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I’m sitting in front of my keyboard trying for letters and words. Sheba is misbehaving and barky. We’ve been to the park. We did our two rounds. There were many dogs there since it’s Saturday. Sheba was happy just to sniff and amble at a leisurely pace. No chasing and messing much with other dogs. I guess she knew they were too fast for her. I can’t really blame her. I feel the same. I was tired before we got there. Two rounds were more than enough. Two old girls. At least we’re out and still trying.

I’ve been feeling very tough this week. We might have to cut back our outings to the park. Walking on uneven terrain and packed snow is tiring me out. It might be good to cut back on other things as well. I need to carve out some empty times for resting the body and mind. My days are filled with doing. I feel like a dentist. His assistant prepares and set up the patients. He goes down the line, one after another, like an assembly line. I do the same, doing one thing after another. I’m lacking time to process. I must get off this treadmill.

Too much of a good thing can be hazardous. The challenge now is how and what to cut back. I enjoy everything I’m doing – my art, writing, reading, knitting, needlework, learning my new sewing maching, my exercise classes…. My enjoyments are addictive. I guess I need to schedule ‘nothing’ periods in.

 

BEGINNINGS AND RE-STARTS

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Beginnings and re-starts are hard. I had a week’s hiatus from my exercise class between Christmas and New Year. After New Year, I made it two weeks. It’s good to take a break, I tell myself. Saturdays are my swim day. Well, I couldn’t make myself go yesterday. Today was almost the same. My rationale was I might as well start things back on Monday. I’m familiar with that slippery slope. It could prove too slippery to get back up. I bit the bullet, enticing myself with lunch at the mall after the swim. The fabric store there is having a sale. Everything 50% off. That worked. I’ve scaled the slope. I’m back in the groove. The swim boosted my mood and soothed the aches and pains.

I have to keep these things in mind. It’s easy to stop but difficult to pick up again. I’m like an addict falling off the wagon. I’ve swam and gone to the aerobic class long enough now that I have the ‘feel good’ memory in my body. Even with that, I still needed that extra oomph to get going again. As long my engine can still chug-a-lug, it’s wise to keep the  momentum of carrying out the challenges I’ve set out for January as best I could.

It does make my days full. There are times when I do yearn for more time doing nothing. It’s such a paradox because I find that I can’t just sit, doing nothing. Maybe it’s a good sign just to yearn for nothing times.  It shows that I am not bored. I could do some creative brainstorming to see what I want and what works best for me. I am conducting an informal study of doing one thing at a time, not multi-tasking. By informal, I mean just with myself. I’m not charting data or anything like that. I’m noting how that affects my moods and how I function. Perhaps I should keep notes.

I have found that by breaking up a task into smaller parts makes it easier to do. No brainer, eh?  I apply it to writing here. Everything is easier once I make a start. If I get stuck, I get up and do something else like vacuuming the kitchen. I do the same with painting. I would prep a canvas with gesso and let it dry. I go and do some other thing. I come back and do the grounding. And so on and on. Amazing things happen. My post gets written. A painting gets painted. Sometimes it takes a week or so. Hey, it’s a work of art. I give it more time. The best – the house gets cleaned more often. Dog hair gets under my skin.

 

CHRONIC PAIN – DEALING WITH BUSINESS

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I feel slow as molasses today. Surprisingly I’m doing better in dealing with business. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable for a long time. Maybe it’s because of this crazy weather of ours. We’ve fluctuated from almost -48 C of last week to -7 C today. I wonder what it does to the barometric pressure and our human bodies. No matter what the studies show, I know changes in the weather affect me. I’m feeling the pain in my fingers, wrists and face and jaws. Even my gums hurt. My arms and legs feel heavy as lead. What a whiner, eh?

I’m not really sitting on my duff complaining. It feels worse then. I move around, stretch here, stretch there. I vacuumed parts of the house on my prowls, waiting for breakfast, etc. etc. Now it’s all done. I was going to take an extra strength tylenol on different occasions. Then I forget or forgot if I’ve taken one or not. In the end I decided to take a Tylenol #3. I was that uncomfortable. It has 300mg. acetominophen and 30 mg. of codeine. Whereas Tylenol Extra contains 500 mg. acetominophen.

It did help some. I paid all the bills plus renewing CAA membership and Sheba’s pet license. Was going to write some Christmas cards but decided that I should save some energy for making lunch. I know. It’s after Christmas. I do what I can when I can. Now I’m trying to tap out a few words here. I’m feeling my discomfort coming back in full force. It helps to have ‘challenges’ to keep me going. They give me structure and routine:

It sounds like a lot but it’s not really. They are things that I am already doing. They take my mind away from my discomforts when they arise. They are all about creating and learning. It was the 100 Day Challenge that took me back to art. Then it was blind contouring, index card art…. Each avenue took me to a new dimension. Enough for now. I have to move.

GRACE AND A GRUMPY CHERUB – Day 149-150 in a year of..

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Day 149 – 158, December 31, 2016 @2:15 pm

img_887210 days have passed since my last post – the longest lapse in this year of doing different. I have, at least, marked the days through my Instagram snapshots. The doing/thinking different have not been forgotten and laid wasted on life’s roadside. I’m still trudging on the path during these cloudy December days. I’m showing up here on the last day of the year.

It’s a year of ups and downs, highs and lows, hot and cold, dry and wet. It’s a year like any other, full of changes, good times and bad. It’s the year that I’ve really come to recognize that I am an adult in charge of my life and that my time is limited. I’m closer to that end of the roll of toilet paper where it unravels faster and faster. If things are not to my liking, what can I do to change it, if I can?

img_8867That is how I’ve embarked on this year of doing different. Each day, I try to do/think a little different, not stepping into the same pothole down the same road. It’s led me to a challenge of painting on the same canvas for 30 days. The challenge travelled the same path I was already on. Making little brush stroke changes each day over 22 days can change the whole picture in the end. The ‘mistakes’ guide me to make better. What a beautiful picture/life we can create over time with willingness and a little effort. I am satisfied with my Grace (I have named her) in 22 days.

 

img_8882Today I have started another canvas. I am not pleased with it at all. So dark and gloomy! I will have to perform magic to make it beautiful. But it does have the beginning look of a cherub, though a grumpy and pouty one. I shall be patient with my brush strokes and give it 30 days. She shall make Grace a delightful companion for 2017. We could all use a companion to make our treads on this earth a little lighter and brighter. Happy New Year everyone!