CORRALS, CHUTES, SQUEEZE BOXES AND ME

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I must sit down and put down a few words for day 27 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. If I don’t the time will be lost. I will be struggling late into the evening for my words. They always find their way to my fingertips. But I’m often left in high alert, mentally and physically at the finish line. Not a good way to end the day and ease into sleep.

I was jesting yesterday about needing Temple Grandin’s cattle chute to calm and keep me on the beaten path. The subject is still on my mind this morning. On second thought, I should take it seriously. It might and probably will work for me. I don’t have a diagnosis of autism but aren’t we all on a continuum of symptoms? I can certainly get fixated on things and spend too much time on them. Since Temple Grandin came into mind yesterday, I’ve spent time researching her and have reserved 3 books from the library. And now I’m writing on the subject. Oh boy, I’m easily stimulated and distracted. I need those ideas on chutes and corrals of hers.

I just have to rethink what that chute/squeeze box/hug machine might be for me. It deserves some pondering and could make life more easeful. Now I have to think, plan and design a workable curved ‘chute’, a squeeze box for myself so that I’m stay on track and derailed on every turn. One ‘box’ is my 20 minute meditation session in the morning. It does hold me still and in comfort. Not doing anything. Not going anywhere.

Then there are my words. It’s the purpose of me being here in my ‘box’, tapping. The physicality of being here, in my chair, in front of the keyboard, hearing the rhythm of the keys and seeing the letters and words marching across the screen is soothing. Whew! What a long sentence but it works. Does it not? It is my tool of laying everything out, making order and sense so that my brain can see it. I am more of a feely kind of a person. I live innately. I have a difficult time explaining to another. This is the best I can do. Perhaps it is why I often feel lost in this vastness of life. There are no hooks for me to hang my hat on.

Now I see that I do have 2. Enough said for one day. My brain is tired and getting fogging. But it is valuable to have an analysis of my January word journey. The train ride is almost over. I am happy with it. I will not demand a refund when I pull into the last destination. Perhaps I will talk more on the next leg tomorrow.

CHOP SUEY SUNDAY

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Sunday, a day of rest – supposedly. Since I’m retired every day could be a day of rest. I haven’t found it so. I’ve lost my knack for idleness. I hope to tap my way back to my chaise lounge. I used to be so good at languishing and contemplating my navel. Oh dear! What has happened to me? Can I get myself back?

No use in crying over lost skills and spilt time. I should focus my attention here and write  this post for day 26 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I get myself all a-jittery shifting my attention to one thing, then another. What I need is something like a cattle chute or Temple Grandin’s hug machine. Oh, great! Now I’ve diagnosed myself with autism as well as ADHD. I guess if the symptoms fit, I might as well learn and work with them. It might be of benefit in the grand scheme of life. I wonder if Sheba’s thunder shirt would work for me.

In the meantime, on with the post. It must get written. Sunday is our morning of sourdough pancakes. I feed Oscar (my sourdough starter) daily for that purpose besides making bread. I like mine with just one fried egg and smeared with just a tad of maple syrup. I look forward to them as much as my occasional whole enchilada breakfast at A&W (2 fried eggs, 3 breakfast sausages, brown toast and hash brown) after my Saturday morning swim. It’s like a winter getaway for me. AND it’s much cheaper than going to Mexico or Cuba, even if it’s an all inclusive.

I’m cheap to keep if I need to be kept. Lunch is on in the Instant Pot. I’m making chop suey soup. Chop suey means a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I opened the freezer and found a bone and 2 slices of ham. In the fridge was some leftover roast beef, wilted celery, 3 still plump mushrooms and a couple of carrots. They all ended in the pot with a few other items and some water. The lid is closed. I pressed the soup button and and 75 minutes. Now we are minutes away from eating.

Did you know that Canada is a chop suey nation? There’s a Chinese cafe in almost every small town in Saskatchewan/Canada. I had a mission of visiting them this summer but only managed one. Someone else already had that idea and written a book about it. It’s called Chop Suey Nation if you are curious. It’s my story and every Chinese immigrant’s who or whose parents had a cafe. So much for writing today. Onto some other chop suey. Here’s a fun video to take us out.

 

BUSES,TRAINS AND PLANES

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Saturday, January 25th, Chinese New Year. Not much for those in China to celebrate. The Coronavirus having claimed 41 lives. The skies are grey here. I am doing as best as I can. It’s not life as usual. We cannot really use that phrase anymore. There’s no more as usual. It has to be better. I’m trying to do better but when I try too hard, I get stuck and spin my wheels. I’m spinning and kicking up a bunch of dust and debris. I’m trying to find my words to get me out of here. What I need is a bus, train or a plane.

I have very faint memories of leaving our village in Taishan, China with my mother many years ago.  There was my mother, me, No. 2 Pau(my grandfather’s sister-in-law) and her 2 grandchildren travelling with us to Hong Kong. To help, my grandfather’s youngest brother travelled with us by bus as far as the big city of Guangzhou. He had made the trip before. But my mother said he was not much help at all. She had to steer us – 3 kids and an elder woman.

What is vivid in my memory all these years later was seeing my first electric bulb in the hotel room. It dangled from the ceiling so bright when my mother finally woke me the next morning. I can remember sitting on our duffle bags at the station. I had strict instructions to stay put and take care of Ah Pau while the rest of them went in line to buy tickets. It was for the train that took us to Hong Kong. I had no memory of it at all. I thought we had caught a boat. My mother corrected my memory years later. I was only 6. How much could I remember?

But I do remember there was no one at the other end to meet us. There was a mixed up. We were all afluttered. What to do? My mother had an address. We got a taxi. As we were getting into it, Ah Pau said to the driver not to take us astray. She had heard all the horror stories of what could happen in cities. My mother tried to shush her. It was fine. He took us to the right address. Of course he tried to rip my mother off with the fare. But our friend’s wife flew out of her house and gave him whatever.

Not long after, my father and his cousin showed up. They had gone to the wrong station. It was the first time that I knew my father. I was 2 years old when he left our village for Canada. So we lived happily ever after in Hong Kong. My sister was conceived and born. My father and his cousin flew back to Canada. My sister was almost 2 when we flew to Canada to join our father.

Oh, what a mash of words! But they’ve told a story. Buses, trains and planes have been in my life. They’ve taken me to a few places in life. So much for this day – number 25 for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. To be continued tomorrow. Hoping for smoother words.

FRIENDS

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Dang, it is that time in the evening again. Time flies. I guess I shouldn’t complain. It seems I’m busy with things to do and places to go to. Tomorrow is Chinese New Year. I wouldn’t have known that if an email friend haven’t sent a greeting. I thought it would be in February. It’s good to have friends who keep you in the know.

I don’t really have a lot of friends. I can count them on one hand. What a thing to admit to, eh? It’s not a bad thing though I DO feel deficient at different times. I can’t handle too many people in my life. I  I’m an introvert, and highly sensitive. I have all the signs. So it is a good thing that I don’t have a whole bunch of people in my life. I would be so stressed and I would piss off many of them. There’s a silver lining under every cloud.

Don’t get me wrong. I am social. I love and need my friends. I just don’t need as/so many as other people. I could have more than I realize. I was surprised hearing that loneliness is such a problem in the UK that they have a minister of loneliness. This man in the UK had spent the last 20 years alone. After the story broke, people responded with a tree, gifts, visits and calls. Christmas is just one day. What about the rest of the year? How do we fix that?

I shouldn’t really be surprised about the loneliness problem. We live such insular lives. Most of us here drive everywhere in our private vehicles. Often we are the only one in the car. I didn’t realize how cut off that made me feel from other people until I had to take the bus because of parking problems. Now I take it once a week to my class on campus. I feel richer for the people contact. I’m in the midst of the young and not so young.

Add to that, I’ve restarted taking Sheba to the off-leash dog parks. We frequented them during our younger years. We’ve been doing mostly just the neighbourhood beat the last 6 or 7 years. We had a group of ‘friends’ at the parks. It was nice to walk and talk together. Some we know, some we knew just first names and some we just knew by faces. Still we felt sort of like family – at the dog park. That group have disappeared but we are now getting to know a different group by going at the same time each day.

Though I have only a very few close friends, all the people that touch my day and life enrich me and help give me a sense of meaning and purpose. I have little groups of ‘family’ and ‘friends’ in different corners – the YWCA, ex-workplace colleagues, Facebook, Instagram, blogoshpere, my email group….It’s good to have friends.

It’s late. I have to say good night. I have to swim in the morning. Here’s a video about an afternoon with my friends to take us out of this 24 day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

GUT AND BRAIN

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Thursday, January 23, 2020. It’s a sourdough bread making day 1 of 2 or 3. It’s a slow methodical process. So why am I doing it? Why don’t I bake the normal loaves? I do. It was during the July Ultimate Blog Challenge that I got on the ferment bug and gut health. First it was the kimchi. You can Google it and find tons of recipes. My favourite is this kale kimchi. Then I started making my own yogurt. After a couple of months of eating kimchi, I noticed that I was digesting the yogurt better. Somewhere in there I was introduced to sourdough by the Zero Waste Chef. This is the recipe I use from her site. The recipe is based on Michael Pollen’s recipe from his book Cooked.

Back to the why. It would be so much easier and less work to just buy it. But the thing is, I like learning and doing difficult things. It is good for my brain as long as I have the instructions in print. I learn everything best that way. I’m a dyslexic listener. Don’t bother giving me verbal directions or instructions on anything. I will stop listening after the first right turn. I will be lost from the get on. And I won’t be able to find my way home.

Almost the end of another day – day 23 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m still here, coming to my keyboard a little earlier. My sourdough loaves are formed and chilling overnight in the fridge. They are my 6th batch. My best ones so far. Morning will tell if I’m right. I’ve been investigating different recipes and websites and fiddling and changing the procedures a little. Bread making is flexible and forgiving. So far, no matter the outcome, the bread is always delicious. Life can be that way, too, if I let it.

 

 

 

LEARNING TO BE A WANNA BE

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Wednesday and I am wandering the hallowed halls of learning. I feel more at ease amid the crowd of young people now than when I was young. I feel oddly out of place among my peers. Am I denying that I’m of age? Am I a wanna be? Seems like I’m always out of step with the world. I’m the sore thumb that sticks out.

Yes, I guess I do want to be a wanna be. That’s the reason for taking this class on Buddhism. I want to know how to be happy and content. I want to know how to go about the world, to feel peaceful with myself, to have a purpose, to be kind, generous, to have all those positive attributes and none of the flaws. I know that’s asking too much so I try to quell these desires and quiet my mind.

I wish that I could come to my keyboard a little earlier in the day. My mind would have been sharper. But it seems that I have to live my day before I could find the words. So now I try to do the best I can, to focus and impart the lesson I’ve learned, the jewel of my day.

I’ve noticed lately that I have terrible trouble with focusing. It’s been getting worse and worse. Sometimes I don’t hear or is it that I can’t listen? My mind is always somewhere else out there – even when I’m ‘meditating’. I realized today that I could use this class to bring my mind back – to this moment, to the classroom, to all what the professor is saying. It won’t be easy. I have to make it a practice.

It is late. Time to say good night to day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

ON THE TRAIN TO NOWHERE

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I think I’m back on the train to nowhere again, at least for a little while. It’s nice to be at a standstill and get off the merry-go-round. It’s good to stop the spinning out of control, sit in my comforty chair, put my feet up and let my socks drop wherever they may. Who cares? It’s just be me, dropping one little care at a time.

I took most of the day off, can you believe it? Oh, I had to do a thing or two, like getting my car serviced. It’s been a year and 5 months since the last oil change. It was a must. As usual I got into a knot over it, doing the dreading it even in my sleep. But that’s me again. In my heart I knew it was a lot worse in my head than in reality. And it was. And I knew I would have a little trouble getting to the car dealership. That’s me also. So I didn’t sweat it too much when I got a bit off course and had to circle around. That’s what I do. It’s no catastrophe.

I had a pleasant hour plus wait for my car. It was a little disconcerting at first. People coming, going and talking. There was about 4 or 5 of us in the waiting room. We were all on our phones, with different body parts tapping, twitching, moving in various ways. I tried to read my murder mystery I bought along for the wait. It was difficult at first with so much visual and auditory stimuli around. It was the perfect setting to work on my concentration and focus.

I was not too hopeful for success but I surprised myself. I put my phone away,  opened my book and read and read – for an hour. Then Carl, my service advisor came and said my car was ready. Everything passed inspection. Just an oil change. Nothing else. Just $63.00 thank you very much. I was pleased as punch and skipped home in my just oiled and washed car.

I like this experience of sitting, resting, waiting, reading. So I fretted some. I got lost some. No big deal. I like dropping my socks wherever. I’m like that. So ends another day, day 21 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Ten days left but who’s counting.

NOTHINGNESS AND LISTS

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I played hookey today and enjoyed a bit of nothing. It’s quite hard to do – this nothingness. Have you ever tried? I used to be quite good at languishing but now I have to work at it. I have to think about it, make a conscious effort just to relax and idle. I planned it last night. I decided that I was going to skip the exercise class in the morning and rest. I feel something, perhaps a cold, coming on. The guy has a sore throat. I have a bit of the shivers, perhaps in sympathy.

I can’t call today  a total success. Rest and nothing are hard to do. Perhaps I sat and read my murder mystery an hour at the most. I used to be able to sit and read for hours. Now, my concentration and attention are fractured and splintered into minutes and seconds. Try sitting in silence for 5 minutes. It’s long. I have no trouble with a 20 minute sitting meditation because I am guided by Mark Williams’ voice. Even then, my mind wanders off in many directions. I am comforted by the fact that it’s called a practice.

As for making lists like I said yesterday, my lists are in my head. 1)I tended to my most pressing thing in the morning. I should get points for that. 2)I cleared off my dining room table. I feel better even if I put everything that was on it in a basket. 3)I sorted one file and shredded the outdated material. I think that’s enough for one day. My hair was standing on end after that one. Ugh! I’m letting Sheba take us out again on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Tomorrow is another day.

 

THE WAY I AM

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There’s no denying myself. I am what I am though I would like to be a little different. I would like to be more organized, tidier, more timely, more mellow, more energetic, more of many things. I said I would like to be. I did not say I aspire. If I did, I would be more successful than just wishing for. One does not get by yearning. One must do.

I must learn to aspire to do whatever I wish for. Or else I must accept my repeated echoes of my daily failures – wishing for a different outcome by doing the same thing. It is what Dr. Phil and other head doctors call insanity. It seems simple enough. Change what I do. But is it that simple? So easy to fall back into the default mode, doing the same old, same old. What to do next?

It would help to make a list of changes I want to see. Make one change at a time and work on it for a week. Then add another change and work on it for a week. And so on and on. I must get on it tomorrow and make my list. Then proceed from there, building one thing at a time and adding on. I can do it. The alternative is living in daily disarray, wasting time and energy looking and searching for things, trying to get on top of the game, feeling guilty, feeling incompetitent, feeling lousy, feeling d-r-a-g-g-e-d out. You get the picture.

I aspire to be organized, tidy, focused and on top of things so I can relax and have some nothing times. I aspire to have some empty times when I’m not thinking of ‘doing’ constantly. The only time I’m not doing is 20 minutes in the morning when I’m meditating. I want MORE. There! The end of day 19 of UBC and another video featuring Sheba.

BEING TRUE TO MYSELF

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Dang! It’s late afternoon already. Where did the day go? I’m repeating myself again but what else can I do? I had high hopes of ‘time to myself’, some time to bask in nothingness. That got dashed but I can’t really tell you what I’ve done with my day besides fretting. I would be so much happier if I could have control of what other people do. If only they could respond the way of my heart. They don’t.

Not to be totally negative, I had a lovely morning swim. I’m never tickled to be heading out in the cold and dark. But when I’m in the car heading down the back alley, I feel peace and calm settling around me. It’s as if I’m wrapped in that warm grey blanket. I’m leaving while the rest of the world slumbers. No matter how irritible and cranky I may feel now, my brain is soothed by that picture. There really is nothing that I must do or places that I have to be.

I’ll just linger and rest here for a little while. It’s good to slow my thoughts and let things sit. It’s difficult to be true to myself whilst being distracted by everything and anything. I have to turn off the noise and listen to the quiet. To ease my way out of this 18th day of the UBC, I leave you with My Blue Skies slide show. I made this video when I started going to the Sutherland Beach Park with Sheba. She was a young lass then. It was the first time I started looking up and noticed how blue the sky. Imagine that!