DEAR RUTH

Posted on March 22, 2016 by hafong

Here I am, a little later and slower than yesterday. Some days are harder/easier, slower/faster than others. It’s taken me this while to show up for myself. Saving the best for the last as the saying goes. But that’s just a saying, not necessarily the truth. Every bit of life’s journey is the best. I realize the truths when I’m here, tapping out my stories. It’s like the times I have coffee with my mother and Tuesdays with Morrie. Stories have the magic of revealing the things we couldn’t see before. It’s in the telling that the lightbulb gets lit.

There are so many stories. Some are easy and some are hard to tell. I could fill a whole book about my neighbours who have come and gone over the years. I’m sure we all could. The thing with neighbours is that when they come and go, it’s often with sad stories. That is how it has been on the street where I live. Somewhere out there, there’s a song about this, I am sure.

This morning I found a copy of a letter I had taken great pains with to a neighbour. I had forgotten the ugly details of our relationship. Reading the letter reminded me it was bad enough that I thought of selling my house and moving. It was that toxic. Most people didn’t really believe my stories. They thought it was me. Some have told me that they were glad that they didn’t live next to me. I took all those things hard and personally and felt very bad about myself.

What I am learning about myself in telling this story is that I had no confidence in my own judgements. I believed what others tell me who/what I am. I see now that I listened and believed too much of their stories. I listened and took in too much of my neighbours’ woes, sadness, blame. Our fences did not put up any boundaries. Their troubles and sadness were not mine but they became mine.

We can gain wisdom in telling our stories. Sometimes it is only in retrospect that we see how silly we are. I was pretty silly, let me tell you! I am but a small Asian woman. I am not all that powerful. I am not God. Yet I have felt responsible for so many people, things, circumstances. It is only now I recognize I must stop doing this. It is funny how a letter can be such a lightbulb moment.

Thank you Ruth for inspiring me to write the letter. I see by it that I was/am a thoughtful and considerate person. I was not responsible for you.

IS THERE ANOTHER WAY?

Posted on March 21, 2016 by hafong

I am back with my cup of tea. Showing up can be as easy as that – showing up. I am sitting in this space – with a tap, a letter, word and a thought or two. The message for me this morning: Is there another way?

There is always another way. I am not happy this morning. In fact I was angry and unhappy waking up – with MYSELF. I probably took those thoughts and feelings with me to bed last night. I ask the hard question. Do I want to head in the direction of anger, resentment and self blame? Of course not. But. There is always that big BUT in the way.

BUT choosing a ~~new~~ different way is hard. Those well worn grooves are tricky. They don’t want to let go. I am still in the groove now, ruminating again over life’s quirks and quarks. Why can’t I just stop and move boldly forward? I’m reading the message in the picture –And otherwise start over again. That is what I need to do many times until a new groove/habit is form.

No better time to start in a different way than the present moment. No better time to start over than on a Monday, the beginning of a new week.

Today I looked at the world with different eyes. I questioned the validity of my thoughts. I changed the way I behaved if only slightly. I inhaled and exhaled before I reacted. I tried not to live in someone else’s sadness. I said no because that was what I wanted/needed to say. I did not apologize for no reason. I tried a different way of being today. Tomorrow I will try again.

WEEKENDS AND PROCRASTINATION

Posted on March 20, 2016 by hafong

It’s the weekend again. I am enjoying the slow ambience, sipping my morning tea, tapping away at the keyboard. I am trying to get over my inertia and get that creative juice flowing again. Once upon a time, I could sit here and write something every day. They might not have been masterpieces but they were something. People read them.

I have always been under the illusion that if you are talented, you would have no trouble in whipping up something with a snap of your fingers – be it a painting, book, meal or what not. I think maybe I’m just a lazy person, making excuses. Nothing comes easy. Not even a simple meal – unless someone else cooks it. It’s easy then to say, I could have done it. But it’s (cooking, writing, painting…) is really not my thing.

The truth is we can do anything if only we would start. That is the thing with procrastination. We sit and squirm with its discomfort but it’s damn hard to make the first move. It’s difficult to understand the mechanics of it. Maybe it’s just a habit. Accept that answer and let’s get a move on. Can you hang on a minute? I have to make another cup of tea.

I’m back. I was procrastinating again if you haven’t noticed. At least I’m not having coffee and a cigarette before I start/carry on with everything that I do. I did before. I have much healthier bad habits now. Perhaps I should not beat myself up for the things I have or haven’t done. Maybe it would be more productive to give credit to my accomplishments. That’s a new thought!

My little seedlings are thriving under the grow lights this morning. I started them a few weeks ago in brighter moods. Still I was able to seed all my tomatoes and onions when dark clouds crowded my mind. Just keep moving at whatever speed you’re capable of. You are not as slow as you think. You are not your thoughts. I do have some good habits.

Okay, I’m done my cup of tea. I better rise and do something else. I hope to be back here tomorrow for another cup or two of tea.

OF PETER RABBIT AND OTHER THINGS

Posted on March 13, 2016 by hafong

What is it about the weekend that is so restful, even for those of us who no longer ‘work’ for a living? I am grateful for that sense of ease and peace that is here on this sunny Sunday. I love to sit in my favourite space and watch the spruce branches sway in the wind. The somber and laughing Buddhas sit unperturbed beneath.

I am claiming the day mine – to rest, to find my way back to musings, thoughts, words – to do as I please. The week days have been most harried and taxing as Miss Potter might say. Would she say that? I have recently watched that movie. She is a most admirable woman and creator of Peter Rabbit. 2016 is the 150th anniversary of her birth and there are many posts and celebrations afoot.

It is nice to sit here in the sunlight, amid my paper clutter. Some things never change. Maybe messy helps my thinking process. It seems to be working! The letters and words are coming as I tap, tap on the keyboard. It’s rhythmic and soothing. It is a different aerobic exercise for my brain. A change of pace is good for body and mind. I do wish my flash fiction mode would come back. I miss writing for Friday Fictioneers. I wonder what Miss Potter or Peter Rabbit would do to get the story juice going.

FALLING

Posted on March 6, 2016 by hafong

I’ve been away too long. My excuse is I’ve been lost for words. On closer examination, it is perhaps I’m afraid of words. If you say them out loud, they would be there to be heard and acknowledged. If you tap them out on the screen/page, you can’t refute for having said them. The letters, words are marching across the screen as I sit, tap, tapping here on this Sunday morning.

I’ve been frightened for many a days, weeks, months – of many nebulous things, thoughts, past events. They are the stuff of mist, smoke, air. Hard to grasp, so how is one suppose to rid them? For me, the way was the end. That is to say I was backed into the corner of no escape. It is much like the sensation of falling in your sleep. You can’t stop it. There is no impact to the free fall in sleep. But there sure is when the boogeyman caught me.

The thing is, I was like Humpty Dumpty who had a great fall. I could not be put together as before. I didn’t appreciate the discomfort then, of being broken and suffering. I see the value of such a moment now. It was an opportunity for change, for doing different. If I go down the same well trodden path, there was a great chance to encounter the same wall again. Pain is a good teacher and deterrent even to a slow learner like me. It pushed me, not so gently, to seek roads less travelled.

They are worth the effort to explore. Don’t be afraid to do so. When that magic moment comes, stay your stance and let it come. Then march forth in a new direction. You will not regret it.

BE MY VALENTINE

Posted on February 14, 2016 by hafong

Happy Valentines Day! There’s nothing like the feeling of falling head over heels in love the very first time – with myself. It comes quietly in the early morning darkness over my cup of tea. It is my favourite time of day in this month of the heart. I sit with my tea, Sharon Salzberg and all my sisters on Instagram, feeling the love and connection. What better day to practice compassion and nourishment than on this day and month of the heart. It all starts with the self.

The title of Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Big Magic pops into my head. Why am I always looking out to others for answers? I breathed and looked within. Why can’t I be my own magic? I went further within to where I had been, feeling and experiencing it all. It’s as if my whole life flashed before my eyes. I was/am always going out of myself, being there for everyone, assuming all faults and responsibility. I saw my want to fix everything for everyone, wanting to take on the suffering even if it’s not my own. I was never home for myself.

My Big Magic came this morning slowly and quietly with the breath and sip of tea. It is in the knowing and accepting that I am not perfect nor all that powerful. Not everything is my fault. I can’t fix everything. I don’t need to fix myself. I just have to be my own valentine.

WHY WAIT FOR SPRING

Posted on February 4, 2016 by hafong

It would do me well to heed some of these wise age-old sayings:

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting. ~Dr. Seuss

Don’t be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~Charles Richards

Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think. ~Chinese Proverb

Simply put, why wait for spring. Do it NOW. My now should have been in the fall, after harvesting and putting the garden to sleep. I should have/could have made notes about what worked, what didn’t. But I DIDN’T. I’m relying on my faulty memory now to recall. How did my garden grow? No use crying over spilt milk. Let me move on as best as I. I am going to make my seed list today.

What worked for sure were the potatoes. They were big and plentiful, lasting us into January. The carrots did well, too. We still have quite a few and storing fairly well in a cooler in our insulated garage. They might do better in a cold storage area in the house next year. My tomatoes have always done well. No need to change anything except plant fewer and less dense in the beds. They started out small and far apart. They grew and grew and became an almost Little Shop of Horrors.

The beans and broccoli did astoundingly well. They produced well into the frost season. However the cabbage was not as successful as I had hoped but I will try again. You win some. You lose sum. I’ve never had much luck with peas, getting a few pods at a picking. I might plant more snow peas this year for the pods and leaves – double the return. They’re both easy to stir fry. Snow pea tips are very flavourful and a pricey dish in a restaurant.

What else did well? Let me see now. The kohlrabi, chilli peppers, lettuce, kale, onions, cucumbers, squash…

What didn’t do well? Beets were small. Spinach too small and bolted. Maybe too crowded and needed to be thinned aggressively. Radishes were not as good as the year before. We forgot to harvest frequently. They got old and wooden.

This recalling from memory is labour intensive! I will have to give it a rest and dig out my seed order from last year. It would be best if I can learn from this exercise to keep notes of things as they progress – like a garden journal. You know what they say about a stitch in time. I know how I am – slow to learn. Ah, but I am doing the best I can.

THINGS I LEARN FROM REPOTTING MY CHRISTMAS CACTUS

Posted on February 3, 2016 by hafong

The thing that I want to get out is that while I may have a green thumb (largely due to luck), I’m not a plant nor garden expert. You can plainly see that if you ever saw my Christmas cactus. Sure, it’s alive and blooms once or twice a year. BUT it’s not exactly thriving. Most of its leaves have a pinkish tinge to them. They’ve been like that many years. It’s only recently I really took notice and wondered why.

My investigation led me to several websites. They all agree that the Christmas cactus need more water than the ordinary run of the mill succulent. It does not like exposure to direct sunlight. I was guilty on both accounts. I seldom water it to a point where the soil was cracked and separating from the edges of the pot. It sitting in the west window through all the seasons. No wonder it was sunburnt! Being root bound didn’t help either. How was it suppose to get its proper nutrients? Not that I ever fertilize it. It’s a wonder how it survived all these years.

Finally knowing all this, it still took a couple of months before I gave it some TLC. I’m a slow and cautious mover. However careful I was, I discovered that there is no way you can repot a plant without making a bit of mess. What’s a little bit of dirt, eh? It matters quite a bit when you don’t like it here, there and on the floor and hate cleaning it up. I’m a bit of a whiner and lazy bone. I hate picking up after myself.

Now that it’s all done, I wonder why it was so hard to do. Starting was the hardest thing. But once you got the cactus out of the pot, you can’t just leave it. You have to do the proper thing – loosen up the root ball, trim off the excess and plant it proper like in a new pot of rich soil, water it with the right mix of fertilizer. So here it is, right after and then a few days after. The leaves are a bit greener, or is that me wishful thinking?

Anyhow, it is a positive experience overcoming my inertia. Make a move, any move. Works for writing, too. One, two, three. GO!

DOLDRUMS AND LISTS

Posted on January 31, 2016 by hafong

Doldrums are painful. They seep into you unawares and rob you of joie de vivre. They’re like vampires sucking the very juice of you, leaving behind a wet dishcloth, a soggy noodle, Linus without his blanket or a Snoopy on top of his doghouse. I DON’T like doldrums but what to do? Snoopy has the right idea. When in doubt and all else fails, sleep it off. Maybe I can dream up some solutions. Maybe I can borrow Linus’ blanket. Why don’t I make a list.

I wonder if this is what they call brainstorming. Can I be a team of one? It’s working at easing my doldrums. I’m coming alive – without the doghouse and the blanket. Oh, happy day! pops into my head. Singing seems to help even if it’s in my head. I can hear and see Whoopi Goldberg and the kids whooping it up in Sister Act. Oh happy day!

I’m well out of the wet noodle phase now. Apparently doing something, anything can disturb the doldrum mindset. I’m not a list maker but it’s another thing I can do to shake things loose. I can learn to take an inventory of the things I need/like/want to do for future episodes. Might as well be practical, productive, imaginative and have fun at the same time. Oh, happy day it is when I can get inspired!

TOMORROW NEVER COMES

Posted on January 30, 2016 by hafong

Some mornings doldrum sits heavily upon me. I’m like a fat Buddha, unable to rise from my Lotus position. I sigh and heave my chest to no avail. I cannot summon up la joie de vivre. I cannot rise above it all. Must I be full of what I am not? That is the moral question.

I cannot give up, sit and let everything hang out and say ‘After all, tomorrow is another day.’ I am not Buddha or Scarlett O’Hara though I would love to say, ‘Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Having said all this, I do feel better. Maybe a bit of Scarlett’s spirit have seeped into me though I’ve never gotten so bored I could scream.

Now, I can push through some of the doldrum. Or is it fatigue? I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as they say. I am finding a few words. I have been away from the keyboard too long. It’s difficult to recover the rhythm of my tap, tapping. I’m adrift from my thoughts and intuits. You do lose what you don’t use. I must unlock my limbs now and rise above it all. Tomorrow will be another today. Tap. Tap. Tap.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity