Tripping Around the Sun

Posted on January 29, 2026 by hafong

I completed another trip around the sun yesterday. The best gift was falling into sleep slumber after my head hit the pillow. I had a few nodding off during the evening movie. Though it was an Oscar Winner, I couldn’t make much sense of it with my little naps here and there. Nothing makes sense to me nowadays. The world is not orderly without my mother as an anchor. Sometimes I feel I’m behaving madly and very badly. I hope my night of sleep have reset me to the best operational mode.

I am not one for birthdays or parties. I don’t like alot of fuss. I can’t explain that myself. Who doesn’t want the celebration of the self? I’m all for that but fuss and attention not so much. Maybe I never had much of that growing up. I’m not used to it. I was born in China. I remembered getting a boiled egg on a birthday. It symbolizes new life, renewal and good fortune. And a chicken drumstick symbolizes a blessing for prosperity and a promise that the person will never go hungry in the symbolizes a blessing for prosperity and a promise that the person will never go hungry in the future. I remember getting both on birthdays in China. No birthday cakes or gifts.

I left China at age 8. I don’t remember getting anything for birthdays in Canada. Our whole applecart was upset being in a new country and culture. I got invited to some birthday parties. Then there was Christmas and Easter. We didn’t celebrate like the rest of the town. We did get Christmas trees after awhile. My mother made us new clothes for the new year. We didn’t do birthday cakes or Thanksgiving and Christmas turkeys. I felt our foreigness and of looking in from the outside.

Now, I have grown out of all that. We don’t all have to do the same, dress the same, think the same, celebrate the same…Or maybe we do have to do the same and be the same. Look at what is happening south of the border, in Minneapolis. Listen to the witness describing the Alex Pretti killing. It’s like I’m watching a horrible movie. It is not a movie we can step out of. But I have to step out, shut out, and turn off the world now and then. It’s time for a birthday lunch. We’re doing Japanese.

The Next Thing to Do

Posted on January 28, 2026 by hafong

A cloudy misty January 28th. Only -18℃. Almost tropical weather for us northern snowbirds. My head feels a bit like pillow stuffings. I had one of those sleepless nights, not terribly restless but not restful either. I probably slept too much the other night. Didn’t go to the gym yesterday either. Then there’s all that thinking and ruminating. I was never any good at solving human problems. I was never any good at communications. I was never good at being open and clear. I hate hurting people’s feelings. I end up hurting my own. I think I am what you would call a self-suffering fool.

You know what they say about fools. They keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I’m guilty of that. I’ve been trying to unbecome myself for a long time with no luck. I’ve read Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself a couple of times. I’m still the same self-suffering fool. Knowledge without real work does not create long lasting change. So I continue to experience these episodes of suffering and sleepless nights. I guess it’s not a bad thing. It wakes me up. I need to change my ways. I need to stop doing the same old, same old. I have to shake things up a little. Discomfort for everyone can be illuminating.

Daily Ranting

Posted on January 27, 2026 by hafong

It’s a balmy sunny -21℃ January 27th. I should be full of vim and vinegar but I am not. Our flip flopping weather and the world at large have taken a toll on me. I slept in till almost 9 am. Now, I’m sitting, heavy and sodden with a sourdough pancakes and ham breakfast. I’m wondering what I shall I write for today’s Ultimate Blog Challenge. Having seen Downfall, a movie about Hitler’s last days a couple of evenings ago, I can’t help but see the similiarity of what is happening today in the U.S. Then and now, so many people are so admiring and loyal to Hitler and Trump even when their evil is so obvious. And I can’t help but think of the Vietnam war, having watched Platoon last night.

Clearly, I am thinking too much. But is it bad or wrong? Should I not be thinking and questioning? My thinking still led me further to remembering Jonestown. And I wondered if we’ve been gassed, sprayed with agent orange and drank the kool aide. I know I am thinking and talking crazy. It’s not my fault. The world is crazy. And crazy things have happened. I’m thinking and working out how best to live without going crazy. I really meant to write about how daily practices help maintain and improve mental health. I’ve wandered far off the path and ranted instead. Maybe tomorrow I can steer myself back in.

Mad as a Hatter

Posted on January 26, 2026 by hafong

I’m still mad as hell, breathing fire and brimstone, that the world is not according to how I would like it. I feel like bashing my head on the desk. Who do I think I am anyways that I could put in such an order? When has anybody listened and heard me? Perhaps that’s what infuriates me the most, my insignificance and helplessness.

There! I’ve said it outloud. I’m feeling better. It’s like getting a bit of oxygen when you’re gasping for air. I’m feeling like Alice, falling down the rabbit hole. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. Wonderland would be a good place to be in for a mind break. I could have tea with the Mad Hatter, March Hare and Door Mouse and talk nonsense.

I really enjoy these wonderful lines.

From Alice.

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
“What is the use of a book,’ thought Alice, ‘without pictures or conversations?”
“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”
“Curiouser and curiouser!”

From the Mad Hatter & March Hare:

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
“If you knew Time as well as I do… you wouldn’t talk about wasting it.”
“Begin at the beginning,’ the King said, very gravely, ‘and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”
“You used to be much more… muchier. You’ve lost your muchness.”

From the Cheshire Cat:

“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road can take you there.”
“You may have noticed, I’m not all there myself.”

I haven’t been all there or here lately myself. But I think I’ve chased the madness out of me. I’m feeling much, much better now. What a relief, eh!

Mad As Hell

Posted on January 25, 2026 by hafong

I’m feeling no pleasure or contentment this morning. I’m mad as hell, sorry I can’t say “And I won’t take it any more“. It’s distressing to learn of another shooting in Minneapolis, the killing of Alex Pretti. It’s distressing to know I am not God and I don’t have any power to change any of the chaos happening in our present day world. Yes, I am mad as hell. I can still yell and rant, let off steam and think of what I can do/change.

We are still in frigid temperatures but the morning is bright and sunny. I am sipping my second cup of tea. I am tapping and trying to still my inner turmoil. There’s much not right within as there is without. I confess, I am not blameless. I am not perfect. It makes me mad as hell. I’m breathing out smoke and fire. I am keeping my head and my mouth shut. I will not talk about my list of sins. They are bigger in my head than in reality. I am perhaps full of self importance. I need to lighten up.

Here’s what I will do. Finish my tea. Finish this post. Practice ASL with Bill Vicars on YouTube. I know the whole alphabet. It is relaxing practicing my abc’s. Not so good with fingerspelling. It is so fast and my brain is so slow. It sure takes my mind off the toxic stuff. I am learning another language and improving my brain health.

Yikes, it is almost lunch time. I have to get my mind out of the toxic soup and get a move on. The day is marching on. Another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

What Still Matters

Posted on January 24, 2026 by hafong

The cold temperatures are still with us. It’s -31℃. The sun is a weak yellow halo in a pale grey blue sky. I don’t really mind. I feel more alert, focused and at ease. The early mornings are still dark. It is restful to sit with just my cup of tea, not thinking and scrolling. After I’ve finished, I realize that what I felt was pleasure. It made me smile. It gave me joy and I made a second cup of tea.

I’m sitting not so pretty this morning. My hair is yet not combed but I am dressed and tapping rhythmically on the trusty keyboard. I’m not sitting so pretty but I am sitting content and at peace. That is what still matters at this stage in my life. Life hasn’t been exactly a bowl of cherries, especially the last couple of years. It’s been a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. When I think of it now, it’s been rather exciting and jarring. So I think excitement still matters, no matter what age we’re at. I need jarring out of my complacency.

Life is strange. I didn’t really think that I would be here talking like this. But here I am. So how am I talking anyways? A bunch of nonsense probably. But it’s good to flex my fingers and make them move on the keyboard. The exercise is waking up my senses, increasing my serotonin and making those dendrites snap more effeciently. I hope they are also working on and improving my ear hair cells. Hope and strange happenings still matter. Surprises still matter. Everything still matters.

Why I Bother

Posted on January 23, 2026 by hafong

January 22, 2026. A sunny bitterly cold morning. Just what I like. I’m wearing a black silk/nylon/mohair sweater with sequins from years ago. I’m sipping my second cup of tea and hoping to tap out another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Just a little over a week left in January. I’m not as enthused this round with my words. I’m not showing up every day. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

Why I bother is because it is the best/better mode of releasing stress for me. I can lash out with my words without causing self harm and hurt to others. It is only true when I confine my words to this space. I can poke a bear awake with my keyboard just as well as with my sharp tongue. I felt the result of that yesterday. I ran into a very old colleague whom I haven’t seen for a long time. I greeted her. She let me know in no uncertain words and facial expression that I am not loved.”There’s no need to say hello when you had been so rude to me on Facebook.” She retorted.

I was and was not surprised. That had been over a year ago in October of 2024. It was soon after my mother’s funeral. I was somewhat crazy and she irritated me greatly with her comments on our lunch group page. I was instrumental in adding and including her to the group after she expressed being left out. She did not once showed up but always responded with some irritating comment. After many months, I removed her. What followed was very strange and ugly. I regretted all my actions. How silly to lose my much needed energy this way.

So it is another cold morning. January 23rd. -37℃. No sun yet. The cold is good enough reason to take a break from the gym. I have soup souping in the Instant Pot. I am hoping to tap a good ending to this post. The flip flopping of temperatures is hard on the body. I am adjusting and readjusting to that and life as well. I tend to have the archetype of a rescuer. What I haven’t learned is that not everyone wants to be rescued. I haven’t realized that I am not that powerful. I am not God though I have been told. Hence, energy drains out of me.

Today, I am doing self care. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I don’t have to save everyone or anyone. It is good to let go and let it be. Peace.

Maybe I’m Just All Talk

Posted on January 21, 2026 by hafong

Photo by KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels.com

I am trying to show that I am not just all talk. So far I am not succeeding. I’ve missed another two more days of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Life is full of distractions. Even help for procrastination is just another such trap. I, and probably everybody else like to think there is a reason and a solution. So I read article after article, take quizzes and check out apps. And at the end of all that, I realized that I’ve wasted much time on nothing. I could have used that time to throw out some junk, write a post, knit a few stitches…

I’ve finally come to my keyboard but probably not to my senses. Life is hard. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been so wrong in so many ways and things. I am confused at how to be and where to go. It is difficult to know where the where is and how to get there. Probably when I get there, there isn’t a there. So I’m a bit stuck in another quagmire. It doesn’t help that my computer is not cooperating. I’m stuttering along. There is no flow.

But I have pecked out a few words. I’m working on a plan. I need a plan or else I will sink to the bottom of the lagoon. I’m picking up the scarf I started a year or two ago. I can’t quite believe that I’ve only knitted 5 rows. It’s a start. The100DayProject starts February 22. I’ve decided on sewing a logcabin quilt square/day. I have gathered together some fabrics I’ve accumulated over the years. I’m ready. I’m a tad more than just talk.

Same Time Last Year

Posted on January 18, 2026 by hafong

Sunny Sunday at last! It’s a reason to cheer. I’m feeling a little more optimistic. I have my blue sweater, earrings and eyebrows on. I’m not moving any faster but breakfast and dishes are done. The kitchen floor swept. I have plans of picking up my knitting needles and starting another logcabin quilt. My sister said she would love one. It’s easier when you are making it for someone. Having projects is good for the heart and soul. And it is good to follow through and finish. So I shall work on following through to finish this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I am feeling grateful on this Sunday remembering how far I’ve come from the same time last year. This time last year was the 3rd month after my mother had passed. I had tubes in my ears. I was still without much hearing but had alot of choral music and singing in my head. It drove me a bit batty. I felt cognitively impaired and exhausted. The good thing was I was able to sleep. It was in January that I started a daily journal, charting how I was hearing and the noise in my head. I stopped sometimes in June because I was too focused on my maladies. It wasn’t good for my mental or physical health.

This time last year I was stressed and distressed. I was surprisingly not depressed. I knew I had to be careful and not sink into those blues. I had to keep my spirits up to heal. I read Caroline Myss’s and Herbert Benson’s books on healing. I meditated on the word joy. I painted it. I walked to the mall, the Dollar Store, the Asian Market. I walked somewhere every day. Today I am surprised by how much I did this time last year.

I am rejoicing at this recollection of my warrior self. I still have it in me to ‘joy’ on. February is on the horizon. My 2026 100dayproject will be doing another 100 logcabin quilt squares. I better sharpen my rotary cutter, clean and oil my Bernina 790 sewing machine.

Much About Nothing

Posted on January 17, 2026 by hafong

A cloudy cool Saturday morning. I’ve been doing what I do the best, ruminating, accomplishing nothing. I seemed to have lost my words or else I’ve fallen out of love with them. How does one fall in love again? Life seems to have gone to hell in a handbasket. I am perhaps being overly dramatic and morose. So how does one get out of it? How can I fall in love with life and my words again?

I look out window at the grey drab January landscape. The only bright spot is the pink garage door. I am still surrounded by my paper clutter. At least I’ve taken care to comb and put up my hair. I drew in some eyebrows and put in some earrings. I’m not looking like hell. I’m wearing something bright, a blue mohair sweater knitted long ago. I feel a tug of desire to pick up my knitting needles again. They are sitting in a basket next to my chair. There’s also a pattern book of 6 patterns. The book cost $2.50 so you can guess how old it is.

My thoughts go round and round. I wonder what life is and how did I get here. It’s been a slippery slope since my mother passed. Her presence made me feel safe. There was order and purpose. She was our glue and our traffic director. Nobody seems to want the job she vacated. But one cannot just let everything fall apart. And so I try. Not doing great but at least I’ve picked up the reins. I couldn’t very well just say, ho hum and that was it. Well, I could but what would happen if we all did that?

So, I am trying again on the keyboard. I am trying to find the words to inspire and whisk me out of the hell handbasket. Something is better than nothing. Silence can be deadening as I well know. I might as well raise some hell. There’s still a few days left in January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve made a beginning. There’s a bit of a middle. I need to finish what I’ve started. And that’s all there is to it.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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