Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

RABBIT HOLES and SLIPPERY SLOPES

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Today is a cool and breezy day after the unusual warm spells we’ve had in the new year. I’m happily esconced in my sunny sunroom watching Bones on Prime Video. Murder mysteries is my rabbit hole/escape hatch from everything that needs escaping. Bones is  perfect. It has crime, intrigue, humour, romance and science. It leaves me feeling good afterwards. I do try to keep it in check, allowing myself 2 episodes max at any one time. I do have an addiction disorder. I don’t want to let time roll away on me. After all, there’s real life to be lived.

I do have another addiction that also gives me a sense of well being. Can you guess what? I post photos on social media about it almost every day. It is cross country skiing. I almost feel embarrassed about how much I love it. Why do I love it so much? It is a solitary activity like swimming. I’m not good at either so they challenge me. I have no athletic talent whatsoever. In public school I failed tumbling. I was not on the track or volley ball team. Back in the days, swimming was a mandatory university class. I failed it but not university. I did drop out though – university that is. I was a very matured adult when I took up swimming again and a senior when I took up skiing.

I guess you can say I’m in my second childhood. The second time around is better. I have a little more confidence. I’m not as easily embarrassed or care if I look stupid. I’m not competitive. I race only against myself. Skiing has taught me alot about life. There are slippery slopes everywhere. It is risky, life and skiing. Much as I love it, I’m always a little nervous before I go. I’m never raring and tearing to go at it. I’m the reluctant scarity cat, dragging my tail. Heading out in the car, there’s this video playing in my head about my fears and where I will fall. Once I’m on the track, I feel better and when I start out to meet the rising sun, a contented sigh goes through me. That is,  until I come to a slippery slope. Uphill is a physical struggle. Down hill is a heart dropping free fall. I take a deep breath at the top, focus keeping my knees and ankles soft, give a little push and mutter my prayers. I never get comfortable enough that I don’t go through all the same thoughts and feelings each and every time. It’s a good thing. I will never lose the edge or the love. It’s the way I want to live my life, too. 

There are days when I don’t feel that brave or strong. I have my rabbit holes along the ski trail where I can circumvent my scary spots. I just follow the rabbit tracks. In the words of Mary Oliver,  I do not have to be good. I do not have to walk on my knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. I only have to let the soft animal of my body love what it loves.

 

 

 

WHATEVER IT TAKES

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Lately when I go out for breakfast with the girls, I’ve been forgetting to ask for decaffinated coffee. I forgot again yesterday, remembering only after I’m halfway through my cup. I thought, Oh, what the heck. I can live a little dangerously. It was so good I had a second cup. I think I’m paying the price today. Though I had no problem getting to sleep, I couldn’t stay asleep the whole night. Nature called at 3:40 am and after that I couldn’t get back to sleep. At 5 I finally got up. I might was well have a cup of tea and do something useful.

Though I had almost 5 hours of sleep, it’s not enough to be on top of the game. Good thing I’m not a brain surgeon. My head is thick and foggy. After breakfast, I had the dishwasher stacked, put in the soap and even ran the tap till the water was starting to warm. I turned off the tap and walked away without turning the dishwasher on. Not a big deal. I’ll run it after lunch. Hope we got enough cutlery or else I have to wash a couple by hand. My morning is not totally disastrous. I got a start on homework for my art class. My present state of  being foggy and loose might be good for that. I didn’t fuss about being exact and perfect. It’s a good time to experiment and play.

The coffee gave me energy yesterday. It gave me enough oomph to clear and dust my whole desktop. It’s not perfect but pretty amazing. I haven’t been able to do it for a long, long time. It was dragging me down. Losing a few hours of sleep was worth it. I even had enough energy to spare to work in the greenhouse a bit. Every little bit and snip adds up. I can see that I will be having a very busy spring and summer. Getting the seeds started and the greenhouse cleared and set up is a big priority. I cannot afford to be feeling maudlin, wishy washy and falling back into my old clutterbug ways. I need a daily plan of to do’s. I want to stay focused and on top of my life. I do not want to get blown every which way by whim or chance. I want to be the captain.

I’m lucky that there’s YouTube. I’m lucky someone suggested Cas of Clutterbug to me. I’ve done just a quick check on her but I can already see that she can be of great help IF I DO the job instead of just reading her posts and watching the videos. This video – The Best Home Organizing Ideas for 2023 – is very good to begin with. I’m going to do it. I’m going to do whatever it takes to let go of useless clutter, whether they be things, thoughts or habits in order to have a life I want.

HOW SHALL I LIVE

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These days life feels so uncertain and full of perils. I awoke with a feeling of unease. How shall I live? How shall I go on? These questions were in my mind and body. I shivered with them for I know that I cannot go back to what was – back to the old normal. It’s a frightening realization in the dark of the early morning. It freezes and immobilizes me. I cannot remain there. It is not sustainable. I have to work myself out of that mindset. I am grateful to receive these words from Caroline Myss this morning.

“These are perilous and challenging times. But they’re important times and it’s a great gift to be alive now because we all have a role to play in moving our species ahead to its next state of awareness and consciousness.”

It’s from an email about her new Reflections course with Matthew Fox called The Fire Within. It’s based on the life and writing of John of the Cross. The course consist of 6 lessons of 90 minutes each. I have enrolled. At $150 US, it is cheaper and more helpful than therapy. It starts Tuesday, February 7.

Meanwhile, I shall toddle along as best as I can. Bruce Lipton is another person I go to for inspiration. His video on How to Manifest Your Vision was quite helpful. It worked for me yesterday to begin with the end in mind. What was it that I want? Yesterday, I wanted to bake bread, chop up ginger to freeze, juice my bag of 8 limes and wash the kitchen and bathroom floors. How did I make all that come true? In the morning, I bought out my mixing bowl and laid out the ginger and bag of lime so I wouldn’t forget. The floors I don’t have to worry about forgetting. They irked me every day. Sometimes it is easy to want and to set intentions. It’s another to do and get it done. It’s easier when you set things out and they’re staring right at you. Do me! Do me! And so I did.

I better quit while I’m still ahead. This post is mostly written. My head is somewhat out of a dark place. It’s time for me to play a little with my pencils and paints.

 

 

 

CHANGING FOR SUCCESS

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A sleepy February afternoon. I shall try not to let it slip mindlessly away. Though I don’t have anything particular on my agenda, I can always put in some efforts on tidying, sowing some pepper, eggplant and tomato seeds. February being a short month March can be here in a whisper. I don’t want to be caught saying, Oh, why didn’t I do this or that? I’ve been watching Serina and Ian of You Can’t Eat the Grass on Youtube again. They are a young couple trying to make a go of farming. They share everything – their dreams, hard work, how much money they are making or not making. They’re very inspiring. So when I feel discouraged about anything in life, I think of them. So I will get some seeds potted up today.

 

I had a dream last night. It was about work. I’ve been retired 9 years now. The dreams that I remember on waking up are work related. Like most dreams, they don’t make sense. Why would there be a rack of bras on a hospital ward? But there was one and I took a pair of scissors and tampered with one. It was a no-no so I was trying to hide and get rid of the scissors. I hid it under my clothes and was trying to get out of the hospital to dump it. And here’s a funny recurring thing in all my hospital dreams. The staircase and the way out are all the same in all my dreams. They are long and confusing and I can never get back  to the ward by the same route. 

I’m looking towards making changes for success so I’ve trotted downstairs and prepped some soil for potting up some seeds. I’ve found the pepper, eggplant and tomato seeds. It took some digging around to find them. That’s what happens when you are a clutterbug and let things fall where you drop. I am changing my ways. I am taking time to find homes for everything. To keep on track and on top of things for my drawing class, I’ve gathered my reference photos for my homework. This hoody selfie will be used in the gridwork exercise. First I will have to make a grid on tracing paper and put it over the photograph. Next, I will have to make a distortion grid to make my drawing. Sounds hard and complicated, doesn’t it?

Our drawing instructor is away for 2 weeks. We do have enough homework to keep us busy. Since I have been talking about my time in Ghana, I thought I would do a series of drawings/paintings from photographs of that time. Here are some of my reference photos.

I think this is enough for today. I’ve already written a post today but when words and thoughts flow, they are a gift not to be wasted.

THE END

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January 31. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’ve finally arrived at the end of January and the UBC. Have I accomplished all that I set out to do? Well, mostly. I’ve shown up almost every day, missing maybe a handful. Did I have fun? Yes! I made that a prerequisite.

February 1. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I didn’t have enough in me yesterday to finish. I had a block. There was no flow, no words or thoughts. There was no fun. Rather than struggle and trying to push through it all, I let it go. I’m back to close up January and the Challenge. It’s been fast. It’s been slow. It’s long and then it’s gone like a flash. That’s how it is. That’s how life is. It’s a good reminder – to make the moments count. When the struggle is great, let go a little if possible and appropriate. In my art class, we’re instructed to do all work as potential Quality or Selected Artworks. Experiement, explore, revisit, reconstruct and refine. I like that approach in my writing also.

It’s been a good month and a good challenge with a diversified group. Lots of interaction and learning from each other. This is the end of the January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I look forward to the next one in a few months. Meanwhile, I shall babble on in my space. I’m a retired nurse. Perhaps I shall mumble about my experience. I had a dream last night – about nursing. It went as all dreams do. It didn’t make much sense. In waking life, I don’t think of myself as a nurse any more. But they make up most of my dreams. Is that telling? Maybe they need to be told, so I can let go of that role in my dreams, to be truly free. Till next time.

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

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January 30. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Sometimes the best laid plans can go asunder. That’s what happened to mine. I was already prepped for the gym – class booked, dressed and bag packed. I had 30 minutes to spare. My intention was to make some marks on this page as a springboard for an awesome post when I get back from exercise. As it was I got called by the guy to choose a free gift from this survey he was doing for ‘Costco’. I did not want any of the gifts and left it up to him. The gift was ‘worth’ $90 but he had to pay for shipment. I thought it was a bit odd. Then his credit card was rejected. I said use mine. It was moments after that we thought, hey, this is a scam. He doesn’t do shopping at Costco. I do. And he gets the email for the survey?

No harm done. We phoned our credit card companies and cancelled our cards and will be issued new ones. I will get billed for $13.00 at the most. Money is not the only cost here. It cost us peace of mind and all that energy we spent cancelling our cards. By the time I got off the phone to my credit card company, it was too late for my class. I was left with a bunch of bad jittery energy in me. I had to lose them so I headed out to the ski tracks.

It was no surprise that the parking lot was empty, being Monday morning and cold. But it was sunny and no wind. It was a peaceful winterland for me. Being the only traveller on the road, I did as I pleased, stopping in the track to take a photo, to blow my icy nostrils and to have a rest. No one had to side step around me. After making a round, I was able to let go of some if not all of my angst and carry on with what I had planned for the day.

The scammers weren’t finished with us. They don’t give up easily – calling us, too, on the guy’s cell and the house phone. They left a message – ‘this is not telemarketing, press 1 to continue. The good news is I’ve just checked my credit card account online. No transaction posted today and no further phone calls. I guess this is a good wakeup call to pay attention to those faint and funny warnings from within. If it is too good to be true, then it is. Nothing is free. Curb that desire for ‘free’.

Now it is almost 6 pm, that supper hour. I had hoped to have this written in early afternoon. I had hoped to have cleared and tidied up more. But I am grateful to get this waker upper, to be mindful and be in the moment, to pay attention to my life and to rid useless time wasting, energy depleting things that does nothing to enhance my life.

NOSTALGIA

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January 29. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I had a lovely sleep last night and woke to a typical cold, -27℃ sunny January morning. Not too many of these left – the typical or the January. I’m feeling a bit of nostalgia for the old and familiar. Yesterday, Sheba’s photo popped up on Facebook from memories of 5 years ago. It was enough for my eyes to mist and my heart ache with missing her. It is not a bad thing, remembering love of my precious puppy. No matter how old she was, she’s always my puppy girl. I feel lucky that I have known such love.

Then in the evening, we watched Hanover Street with Harrison Ford, Christopher Plummer and Lesley-Anne Down. It was a movie made in 1979, a movie starting with the credits and ending with THE END. Surprising to see Harrison Ford and Christopher Plummer looking so young and lithesome. The romance was romantic with no raw eroticism. They left something for our imagination. The heroes were heroes to the end. It was so refreshing to escape from our present madness for just awhile.

Now I’m back to my real world. I hope I can get real enough to tend to my housekeeping chores after I’m finished here. I’ve been procrastinating and evading. I’m ending up with more boxes of ‘stuff’ because I don’t know what else to do with them. Every night I plan to deal with them in the morning. Every morning I feel overwhelmed looking at the mess of them. There is no good time and no good way to do it. No use checking out ‘how tos’ or Marie Kondo. I just have to DO it. Wish me luck. I cleaned out one storage unit of art supplies yesterday. Yay!

PERSPECTIVES

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January 26. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

It’s a bit disconcerting to wake up to above 0 temperature in January.

January 27. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

As you can see, I was too challenged to write much of anything yesterday. It is a different day altogether today. For one thing the weather has turned colder. The highs will be in the minus double digits for the next week. That is if things go along as predicted. I am focused on the weather for a good reason. I am sensitive to its changes. I find it helpful to write about it. I, then, will have a written record of how and when it casts its spell over me. It will aid me in adjusting and making changes to live a more easeful life.

I had difficulty sleeping the night before probably due to the change of above warm temperature turning cold overnight. I probably had about 4-5 hours of sleep. I was tired, feeling unwell and unfocused all day. I could do most activities of daily living but thinking and writing – forget that. It was impossible. I felt other worldly, detached and not myself. It could be that I am making excuses for my shortcomings. But it is illuminating how much lack of sleep can affect me. And to think that I was sleep deprived during most of my working life as a nurse. Scary thought, though. I hope I was a good nurse making sharp correct observations and decisions.

January 28. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

It’s a Saturday morning coming down, waking up to -25℃. Holy cow! Two mornings ago, it was above 0. It’s no wonder I had a troubled sleep. Here I go again with the weather, eh. I went to bed sleepy but as soon as I hit the mattress, sleep escaped me. I became restless and tense. My throat dried up, my sinus dripped and I started coughing. It was no way to be. I got up, used my Nasonex, took a tylenol and willed myself to relax and hopeful to sleep. Eventually I did – for a short period until nature called. It took another long period before I got back to sleep.

I do not feel too bad this morning for lack of sleep. Instead of tired, I’m a bit wired. It’s not good energy to write anything profound but it’s good just to record things as they are. I’m annoyed that I have to go through these phases. So much time is wasted. Maybe it is what I need – this time to process, recalculate and reset. Sometimes I have to come to a standstill and look at things from a different perspective. It is only in the quiet and stillness that my body and soul can find their way back to ease. It is just there near that dip in the road and over the horizon. I am so close.

STILL HERE

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January 25. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

So we are in the last week of January. I have lost alot of wind in my sails. Now I have to work on finishing. I hope I got enough gas in my tank. I think of my blogger friend, Minna Packer over at Suddenly Mad, now and again. She hasn’t written anything since May 22, 2021. I miss her but I do not know what it is that I wish for her. She has early-onset alzheimer. She was at a stage where her gait and speech were affected. She was teaching art at a New York university. She had to give that up. Life was getting harder and harder. But she could still write and draw. Her posts were getting less and less frequent. Then her husband got lung cancer. She was still writing and drawing through it – long awesome posts and beautiful drawings. Then nothing after May 2021.

What I wish is that she is in a good place, that she is at peace, not struggling and not suffering. She is not forgotten to me. I visit her words now and again. She is still a teacher, teaching me about life, strength, resilience and art. I am encouraged and inspired by her to work a little harder in finding my words and finish what I had started. I had not met her but have exchanged a few words a few times. I know her only through her stories. They are powerful. That is what I wish for myself, that ability to stir another with my stories and art. I hope my words are meaningful. I hope my stories can entertain and help someone. My words and art give me comfort and sometimes I can tap and paint a little hope when I am feeling dark. What tools do you have?

STAYING WELL, STAYING HAPPY

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January 23. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’ve taken 3 days off from the challenge. It was time for a break/rest. Now let me see if I can hop back on again. We’ve had a long, long stretch of grey and foggy weather. Though it had created some beautiful photographic opportunties, it was wearing on me. Then on Friday the sun returned in all its glory. It was welcomed but it was rather abrupt and bright. My physical body did not like it at all but we limped through it. I felt better the next day and got to enjoy sunny morning ski.

The sun disappeared again after the two days. I think that’s how things will be in our new normal – change, fluctuation and uncertainty. I’m being more mindful so that I can live my best possibel life. It helps if I can identify what makes me feel bad and what makes me feel good. I used to take many things for granted. I never planned much. I never thought much about what I want and didn’t want. I allow things to just happen. Life seemed more stable and secure back then. It was always an illusion. It was comforting.

Now, I can no longer believe in the illusion. Nor do I want to. It would make me more vulnerable and unable to handle life’s little and big problems. I want to develop strength and resilience. I want a life that is meaningful even if it is difficult. Perhaps dealing with all the difficulties gives life meaning. Even though the clouds have returned, I’m finding the silver lining. My mantra borrowed from Regina Brett – No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up – still works for me.

And so that is what I do. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up and do the best I can. Today I got up, dress up and went to my exercise class even though I did not feel like it. I left the class feeling more energetic and alive than when I arrived. I felt content this afternoon cooking up my pumpkins to make puree. Their orange-ness made me feel good. I was totally engaged reading John Grisham’s The Client. My whole being was in the book. I took no notice of the greyness outside. I think I can make my own endorphins.

I think it is what I need to do to stay well and happy. There’s always something that I can do to make things a little better. When I was feeling tough on Friday, I was still able to go to my drawing class. I was able to forget how I was feeling for two hours. I even had fun. It was like playing and I felt well. Play is a valuable tool and it comes in many forms. It’s up to me to discover what they are and have fun at it.