About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

WEARING ME DOWN

Posted on April 4, 2023 by hafong

April 4. Winter seems never ending this year. Just when I think ok, I don’t have to worry about my plants in the greenhouse, I have to – again. The weatherman is forecasting a low of -21℃ tonight and -20℃ tomorrow night. At least it was sunny today and the temperature got up to almost 30℃ with the shade down. The thermal wall and the pails of water will help to moderate the cold tonight. Just to be safe, I threw a row cover over everything. Everything is looking too good to lose now.

Our funky weather is wearing me down. It’s hard to think of the possibility of a garden when I’m faced with high piles of snow and minus temperatures. I really have to push myself but I did seed 5 more kinds of tomatoes this afternoon – Long Keepers, Red Alerts, Sun Rise, Sun Gold, and Red Torch. Where the heck will I plant them all? But that’s a problem to be worked out later. Oh, yes, I do have some bitter melon seeds prepped, wrapped in wet paper towels in a plastic bag. It’s such an easy way to get them germinated that way.

Life is hard. The going is tough. I’m still chugging along though, a few tomatoes at a time, one drawing and one blog post a day. So far, so good.

LIVING IN THE MOMENT

Posted on April 3, 2023 by hafong

April 3. All is well though winter is still with us. We got more snow yesterday. Spring feels far away though the forecast is for a high of 20℃ in a week’s time. How crazy is that? Should I be happy or should I be worrying? We are living in an age of uncertaintly. I can’t afford to waste any energy or time worrying. This is the time to live in the moment on things I love to do and on things that will make a difference.

What do I love to do? What things make a difference? The first is easier to answer. I love words, reading and writing them. I love drawing. I’m doing both at the present time. I think they both make a difference. Writing is a form of communication, helping to spread ideas and connect with each other. I write purely for my purpose and needs. But I like to put it out there. I like to think I’m having a conversation with the Universe. If it touches and helps someone, more pleasure for me. I have found others’ writings and other forms of expression very helpful.

I’m drawing my path and life for #the100dayproject. I started the project with drawings of my holiday in Ghana of 2011. After 30 days I moved onto a different theme – myself as a child and some members of the family. Those were from the times in China and Hong Kong. It was a very wonderful way to get acquainted with the child in me through the lines of my pencil. I didn’t know that was going to happen. It’s very comforting and healing.

WILD GEESE

Posted on April 2, 2023 by hafong

April 2. It’s a grey snow falling on the cedars kind of a day. Not one speck of sun. The temperature was still in the minuses this morning. We thought we would go for one last ski. What a foolish decision! It wasn’t full of joy. I caught myself thinking ‘how fucking stupid is this!’ several times as I picked/slid/skid carefully and gingerly along the miserably bumpy, icy, gutted tracks. I felt somewhat like Tiny Tim as he tiptoed through the tulips. As I uttered my last expletive a flock of geese flew overhead. I couldn’t help but think of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese. Two of the birds came down to perform a dance for me.

It changed my thoughts completely. I was very happy to be out on that f’g! track. It was so worth it. I wasn’t being good. It wasn’t as bad as if I was walking on my knees. It felt magical being out there with these wild creatures, the snow, the bare trees and the grey sky. I felt part of it all.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

MY CUP OF TEA

Posted on April 1, 2023 by hafong

It’s April 1 and Fool’s Day. It is the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge wherein we are required to write a post/day for the month and share it on the UBC Facebook page. There are a few rules and not hard to abide. I’ve been participating for quite a few years now because I love the challenge of showing up every day for a set month. I love words and writing. Tapping on my keyboard is a meditation for me. I have no set format or theme for this month. My goal is to show up every day and ‘chat’. Perhaps it is not your cup of tea but it is mine.

The rhythm of my fingers on the keyboard soothes and smooths me. It makes me happy to see the letters and words march across the screen like good little soldiers. Perhaps that’s not such a good analogy. Soldiers remind me of war and there’s just too much of that in our world now. So axe that. I’m trying for a feel good month. That reminds me I have 30 days to file my income tax and it is time to pay this month’s bills. Writing brings up my memory list of have-to-do’s. It is good for my brain as well as emotional health.

I want to do and write my best for this challenge but I’m not going to kill myself doing it. April is a busy month. Aren’t all months busy and tough though? I’m going to do my best but I’m not participating in the thread this time around. It will relief the stress of have-tos and must. I generally do read more than 2 other posts in the challenge. I like to do that on my own schedule. It will also be nice to know that someone is reading my post because it caught their interest and not because they ‘had’ to.

Well, here’s luck to us all.

ON DOING NOTHING

Posted on March 29, 2023 by hafong

I took a day off from skiing. There’s quite a few things that need my attention. While skiing is a very good activity, it is also an escape for me. I’m chasing the skier’s high and I’m always get it. Everyone thinks I’m so dedicated. What I am is addicted. Once in a while I make a deliberate effort to take a day off. It’s good for my muscles. It’s good for my brain and mind. The house gets tidied and cleaned. The bills get paid.

Sometimes I need to just stop and do nothing. But that hasn’t happened yet. I’m on the treadmill. It’s hard to get off. For now I’m happy if I can just slowed down a little, sit, sip tea and read a book for an hour straight without my mind thinking in every which direction. Once upon a time I was an expert at that. What the hell happened to me?

Well, I will let that sit for awhile. Maybe the answers will unravel for me. And maybe I need not know and just practice on doing nothing for short spells now and again. There’s no place I need to be. There is nothing that needs fixing. Let it be. Let it be.

The STRANGE AND ORDINARY

Posted on March 28, 2023 by hafong

It’s another day, another dollar. Life is strange and ordinary. Another shooting at a school in Nashville, killing three 9 year olds and 3 adults. It is the 90th school shooting this year in the United States. Strange that there are no stricter gun control laws after all these shootings and killings. I guess lives are dime a dozen, contradictory to mantra of every life matters.

Our spring is rather strange, too. It’s almost April and we had temperatures in the -20sC last night and this morning. I thought it would be a good day to bake bread and warm the house at the same time. It was a very relaxing and meditative process, mixing all the ingredients and then kneading the dough. It held the outside world at bay. I was happy in my own little bubble.

I love the ordinariness of my life- of watching dust mites in sunlight. I sometimes do wonder why I don’t have alot of wants and yearnings of more, more, more. But I can’t seem to make myself want more than what I have. So why bother?

MY DAILY CHAT

Posted on March 27, 2023 by hafong

Photo by Dominika Roseclay on Pexels.com

I’m beginning to enjoy my daily chatter as much as my daily draw. So far it is pleasurable and relaxing. There is no one to interrupt my steady rhythmic tapping of the keys. I get things off my chest and work out a few kinks in my head. It’s all good stuff. It’s a good practice. It’s much better than seeking understanding from another. We all want to be heard and understood but it is very difficult to see and hear with an objective eye and ear. I find most people can’t even wait for the other person to finish his sentence before jumping in with their own story. We are all too human. We want to tell our stories much more than hear someone else’s. It is wise to pay for a therapist when we are in dire need of being heard and understood.

I’m feeling a little more joie de vivre today. I’m feeling a little more peppy and it’s not all due to the spicy and sour wonton soup I had for lunch. It helps some. Every little thing helps. So no matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. Most mornings I show up at the Wildwood Golf Course to cross country ski. And this morning I did the best and longest ski ever since I took up the sport in November of 2020. I am still not what you call a good skier but I have the ambition and drive to improve myself every single time I’m out there. I’m feeling jubilant having skied the whole inside track, minus one very steep hill. I walked up, then down that one. There’s no shame in being safe and smart.

A CONVERSATION

Posted on March 26, 2023 by hafong

It’s good to keep this conversation going now that it’s started. If I stop now, it might be difficult to get it going again. Though it is a conversation of one, I like it. I’m not interrupted and I can’t be misunderstood. It is all here, in writing and in black and white. I hate it when I’m not heard. It is very hard to be and to find a good listener. So often when I’m needing just an ear, I get advice on what and where I have gone wrong. What I really want was someone to listen and hear me and to acknowledge my feelings and give me comfort. What I really don’t need was someone defending and explaining the other person’s actions, right or wrong. Then my heart is broken not once but twice.

I’m writing this for myself. I don’t want to be that person who doesn’t listen and hear. It’s a conversation I need to have with myself over and over. And then when my heart gets broken not to take it personally. They don’t know better. It is not their fault. It is not my fault. We are just imperfect human beings that still needs alot of learning.

I’m OK. I hope you are, too. Life is hard but it is so very good, too. I’m feeling a bit of joy, a tad of sadness sometimes. It is all very normal – the flux and flow of things. Some days are cloudy while others are sunny. We’re here today and gone tomorrow. So I’ve gotta live where I’m here, putting one foot in front of the other, tapping one letter, then two. Sometimes when I can’t write, I draw. Aren’t I fortunate? And sometimes I can do both at the same time. Double fortunate.

REBOOT, START, GO

Posted on March 25, 2023 by hafong

There’s no easy way to get going again once you’ve let yourself get stuck at GO. So I’ve given myself a kick in the ass, wiggled all my fingers and started typing. I’m feeling no better nor am I in a better mood. I’m not feeling any joy for myself or anyone. So please, don’t ask that of me. However, I am moving, doing what I need to do to live hopefully with purpose. My purpose right this minute is – not to feel this way. Not to have these feelings dwell in my cells. It’s not good for me.

I think there’s a lesson here for me. I just have to live peacefully with all these for awhile. They will tell me what it is that I have to change. In the meanwhile, I will try to be a good sport and not upset anyone’s wagon cart. I don’t have to fix my wagon. It might not be in the right track but it isn’t broken. In the meantime, while it is searching for the North Star, I will carry on with the activities of daily living. I will pay more attention so that I don’t fall into the same damn holes again. Then my wagon can truly get broken. It might be wise to consult Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. The four agreements are:

Be Impeccable With Your Word,
Don’t Take Anything Personally,
Don’t Make Assumptions,
Always Do Your Best.

They sound pretty simple and straight forward but I haven’t mastered them yet, not even close. They are something to work toward when you are lost and wandering in the desert – as I am at the moment.

WARMING UP FOR APRIL

Posted on March 24, 2023 by hafong

I’ve become a stranger to my own space. Now I don’t know how or where to start. How to get the words flowing again. So don’t expect much from me tonight. I’m just flexing and warming up my fingers to write a post a day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge in April. I wonder if I still have it in me. Once upon a time this was my come to place to air my triumphs and failures. Once upon a time it was my breathing space. What is it to me now?

I’ve become a stranger even to myself. Life seems strange and unreal. I feel and know I am getting older. I don’t believe in the getting better and wiser horse shit. What I feel is vulnerable. Things are changing at lightning speed and there’s no place for the getting older crowd. You can see and say that I’m not exactly in the best or cheerful form. I’m still the ever say-it-as-it-is girl/woman. I think I am a little bitter, too.

So what am I going to do about it all? Maybe it’s something I could work on in April. I could stand to have a make-over physically, spiritually and emotionally. I’ve already started on shedding a few pounds. And I could lighten my outlook of the world and everything in it. I’m feeling deaden and weighed down. It’s too heavy a subject to chew on right this minute. I shall put it on the shelf to rest till April fool’s. Maybe it’s a good time to read Dark Nights of the Soul.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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