Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

THINKING ABOUT THINGS

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I was thinking about the other night when I fell instantly asleep. It was very strange and wonderful. I got into bed, laid down. There was not a thought in my head, not a feeling in my mind. I noted the feeling or rather, the no feeling. Then I was gone – to sleep. It’s recent enough I still remember it clearly. Thinking about the other night starts a song playing in my head. It’s a pretty and lively tune. My head is a regular jukebox.

I’m thinking about things. It’s not very often that my head is empty so the other night was significant. That’s a moment worth repeating. The reason why I fell asleep so effortlessly was because of my week of physical activity. I’ve been making it a priority to work out at my best effort in my exercise class Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Then there’s the daily walks with Sheba in our very fresh winter air. Sleep is the best medicine for everything. I should know. I was sleep deprived for many years doing shift work. I did not know how poorly I was functioning till after I’ve stopped. I used to pride myself on how little sleep I needed. That was how stupid I was.

I’ve read that it takes 7 years to recover after that many years of sleep deprivation. I’m halfway there. I do make it a habit to go to bed at the same time each night. I get up a couple of times for nature calls. I don’t turn on the light, avoiding waking myself more. Usually I am able to go back to sleep without trouble. I’m on the right track but I do have odd nights that I have trouble. Who doesn’t?

So I am thinking about things, of what I can do to make everything better. Sometimes it’s better if I don’t. Not everything can/should be fixed. Not everything is my fault. Now, I try a little of sitting with things when they/I go awry. I’m still answering all the call bells, even if only in my head. But I can turn them off with effort now. It’s a false alarm, I tell myself. No need for fixing or tending. Let it be. Ah, I’m hearing Paul McCartney singing. Yes, it’s good sometimes to let things be.

 

MY GPS

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It’s wise of me to set up goals and challenges. My dyslexic brain need specific guidelines and time frames. In January I did Gentle January with Susannah Conway and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I was able to fulfill both of them except for two days. I still have the 365 Somethings 2018 which is a year long project. To keep myself in line and on track, I’ve set up goals for the month of February. I’m apt to meander and get lost without a GPS.

February is heart month. It is my hearth month, a time to foster feel good stuff.

  • It is the time to curl up with a good romance, murder mystery, adventure, whatever.
  • There’s the knitting of the scarf and the cross stitch of Jesus I want to complete.
  • My Bernina sewing machine waits for me to master it. I’ve reviewed some videos this morning and feeling more confident than yesterday.
  • Seeding bedding plants. It is time for the petunias. It takes a long time to bring them to bloom.

I think my to-do list is long enough for this month. I am still showing up here daily to tap out my joy and grumpies. This is my best GPS, showing my trial runs and test results. It points a better route for me so that I’m not circling the wagon the whole night long and never making camp. I have to run now and hang up the wash. The fur baby is also calling for attention. It’s a short chat today. Keep well.

 

TROUBLE SHOOTING

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Here I am again in the late afternoon. I am tired and grumpy as a bear. I don’t bite though. Yesterday’s pushups at the gym netted sore shoulders. The romp in the park with Sheba yesterday and today’s walk around the neighbourhood adds to my fatigue. Then there’s the excitement of putting in a new zipper and some top stitching on my parka. My failure was a moment of disappointment and woe.

Today I made another trip to Fabricland and bought the regular thread and topstitching needle for the thread I bought yesterday. I thought I was going to do a great and proper job on my coat. I was successful in using the needle threader after a couple of tries. I was thrilled! I attached the proper foot and punched the zigzagg stitch on the screen. I wanted to do some topstitching around the bottom edge before putting in the zipper. An error showed up. I had to select the zigzag foot on the screen. It was still programmed for the zipper foot. Everything has to be copacetic before it will go. And even then, I still screwed up.

Only a few stitches in, Bernina stopped. The screen lit up showing 2 bobbins. I fiddled to no avail. Nothing moved – not the thread or needle. So I cut the thread, hoping everything will loosen up. No deal. I shut the machine off. The screen said some kind of malfunction and to restart. I pressed the ? on the screen. It said no help for this kind of malfunction. I went YIKES! Lugging the machine back to the store did not appeal to me. I berated myself silently. Why didn’t I set up my appointments for instruction instead of waiting to get familiarize on my own? Grrr! It would be so embarrassing.

I tried not to go off on a rant and toss or bang things around. It would only cause more damage, right? I thought of what I would do if it was my old Kenmore. I would take out the bobbin. It didn’t work. The threads were still stuck tight. I consulted YouTube again on how to take the casing apart. I had watched it before. Then I was too scared to take things apart, but now I have no choice. It was really quite simple. I removed the threads. I put everything back as shown. I restarted the machine. It purred. No funny malfunction showed on the screen.

I decided that was enough monkeying around for the day. Tomorrow I will be fresher. I guess that’s how I learn. I mess up. Then I try to figure out the hows on my own first. It stays with you longer. And things are not that fragile, even if it involves electronics. Even when things fall apart, you can put it back together. Now I need a snack. It helps for everything.

 

DARNING AND MENDING MY WAYS

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This is definitely not my best time of day! I am not feeling fresh or friendly. I’ve declared February as the feel good month, of cosying up to the hearth, drinking hot chocolate and darning socks. It is what I am aiming for. So far I’m feeling a bit frustrated. I am set to darn my Linda Lundstrom parka. The old zipper is removed. A new one bought. I’ve just returned with right colour thread and material to reinforced the lower worn corner. I turn on my Bernina, ready to tackle threading the top and the bobbin. I find that the thread I bought is heavy, meant for top stitching. And I don’t have the right needle. Darn! Have to go back to the store – maybe tomorrow.

I suppose it’s not a bad thing. It slows me down. I have a tendency to rush at things, not taking care of doing a proper job. I was almost tempted to use use the all purpose black thread. But it would really stand out against all the purple. It is a nice coat so I refrained. Instead I took the time to read about what had happened to Linda Lundstrom. She seemed to have disappeared from the Canadian fashion scene. Interesting to learn that she had gone bankrupt and ended living in a cabin in the woods and working out of a shed. The article (dated 2014) said she is making a comeback. Further google search turned up that she has a new Nordic-inspired luxury outerwear line, Therma Kōta, created with her two daughters. Fortunes made, lost and made again. A nice story for the hearth.

Tomorrow I will shop for proper thread again. I’m re-training my brain to work in sequential steps. I feel dyslexic sometimes, unable to focus and follow the proper order of things. If there are 3 steps, I go from 1 directly to 3, bypassing 2. When it doesn’t pan out, I would have to back track. My brain seems irritated by more than 2 items. It gets all aggitated and haywire. That is why I can never follow verbal directions. After the first 2 turns, my brain can’t follow anything. I will probably have to do much deep breathing and practicing at not jumping the gun and corners. Well, a cold February is a good time for the practice of mending my ways.

WET NOODLE DAYS

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Moments by their definition are fleeting. So I am not disappointed, disillusioned or any other dis words at all that my moments of perfect alignment are over. Most happy of all that I am not diseased as being downed by the flu bug. I hear it’s a bad strain this year. It lingers and lingers. I’m feeling slow but not ‘bad’ that I am a wet noodle again. I can still noodle on. I’m more of a tortoise than the hare by nature anyways. I will get there, wherever there is, eventually.

 

As it is, the day turned out well. It was cold as hell to start with. Such days are good for simmering soup on the stove. It humifies the air and soothes my irritated sinuses. The soup is nourishing and healing. The bones are treats for Sheba. She is kept busy gnawing and cleaning her teeth at the same time. It’s a good time to bake bread, too, especially since we’re down to the last loaf. Fresh bread with butter and jam is delicious. You guess it. I am still snacking. It boosts my serotonin level. I’m not feeling as much of a wet noodle after. The house is warmer from the baking. Now the pork roast in the oven is adding aroma and more heat to the air. This is how to raise the temperature and feel good stuff in cold February.

I think winter is meant for slowing down, nesting and mending ‘stuff’ and ourselves. It’s a good idea to heed Nature. When spring comes, we will be well prepared. I really like that idea. It will stop my incessant need for doing and feeling guilty for not accomplishing. It will be a challenge for me. I’ve already signed up for the online Peak Work Performance Summit. I am not working any more but it is free. What does it hurt to sign up, I ask myself. I’m not committed to watch. But just in case. The title words by themselves – peak performance -are enticing to me. I’m easily hooked. They can perk the wet noodle in me. That’s not bad, is it?

I’m aware now. I will intend more mending on wet noodle days. I have another jacket that needs a new zipper. The old one is removed. Now I can baste the new one on first before sewing it on. The coat is purple so I need to change the black thread that’s on the Bernina now. My eyes glaze over at the thought because the machine is very new and unfamiliar to me. I will have to change the bobbin thread, too. Now my eyes are crossing over. I will have to review the whole procedure again. Very heavy sigh. It has to/will be done. It doesn’t have to be today. I’m thinking of ‘slowing down, nesting and mending.

 

 

MAKING INTENTIONS AND CHOICES

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I have rare moments when the gods smile, open up the sky and let sunlight shine down on me. This is one of those rarities. It feels very nice. Everything falls into place as if in perfect alignment. It’s that same feeling when Sheba rises in unison with me and pads softly behind me in perfect harmony. I hear Paul McCartney singing and the piano tinkering in the background.

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony 
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?  

It’s a feeling of freedom. I’m my own person and my life is my own. I don’t have to tend to or please anyone. I am not on duty any more. I know this moment is fleeting so I am breathing it into my DNA. Let it be a marker for future reference.

I am not sure what came first – the decision or the mood. I try to set my intentions every morning on how I want my day, how I want to feel and what I want to accomplish. Being Wednesday, the day of my aerobic step exercise, I set my mind to work at an 9/10 intensity level. Why not strive a little higher, eh? I’ve been a snack queen the whole month long. I kept my word, stepping smartly and continuously to the tune of That’ll Be the Day. Love the beat of yesteryear’s music. It’s steady, rhythmic and simple. It doesn’t hurt the ear or the head. Nothing to figure out. I’m stepping and soon I am singing along. Music can do that to you.

The setting of intentions for the day is a good habit to develop. It gives me a pause each morning when I’m awaken to the moment.  I think of what is important to me and what is my overall goal. How do I want to feel? What do I have to do to achieve it? I ponder what do I do if I fail? It helps to think of the possible obstacles. It helps to trouble shoot.

It’s the end of the day at the end of this month of January. I am a little weary. February is just around a sleep. I’m setting my intentions for the month. Since it is heart month, I will try to do things good for the heart. I’m kind of vague, aren’t I? After a glass of wine I can’t think efficiently or tap smoothly.  I will work on the specifics tomorrow. Good night.

WILL, RESOLVE, DETERMINATION

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I feel like I’ve been munching through the month of January. And I have. It’s not a serious problem yet. I can still get into my clothes and the month is almost over. This January has been HARD. I hear other testimonies to that fact. It is not just me. I’m fortunate that at least I’ve been physically well. I do take care that I am. Despite however and whatever my mood may be, I’m out walking Sheba every day. Thank God for our fur babies. I’m not at all sure that I would walk on my own even in nice weather.

It’s a true wintry windy January today. The snow cling along the edges of the windows in the sunroom.  It’s nice weather to wear those warm hand knit sweaters. Good to curl up with a book. I’ve curled too long. It’s hard to let go of a murder detective story. I’m bad again, skipping ahead. I have no patience. I can’t seem to help myself but it was just a few pages. I didn’t skip to the end. But my head is messed up. My tapping is not rhythmic. I feel another snack urge coming up. I better make a cup of decaf.

I’m back with my coffee, toast and jam. I’m lacking in resolve and determination. Once an idea/urge comes, I can’t resist. My coffee is black and just a smear of butter and jam on my toast. I do things sparingly. It’s my natural tendency. Maybe it’s to compensate my lack of will. Will, resolve, determination – those words are so harsh for January. That’s why New Year Resolutions mostly fail. They should be allocated to a month that is more gentle and conducive to success.

 

I’m not completely spineless though I felt so this morning. It was so wind swept ( 50mph with gust 61mph) and dull. I gave into my feelings of lassitude. I experienced and luxuriated in all the sensations that came with it. There, I got it out of the way! Funny how my feelings can deceive me. Though I was moving at the speed of a wet noodle, I did not fall behind. I put in a new zipper in the guy’s jacket, saving him $40 if done professionally. And I used my new Bernina. First I had to google how to sew a zipper on a Bermina. Then I consulted my manual. I had forgotten how to turn it on. I am pretty damn pleased with the result. And I had lunch ready on the table at the regular time. Pretty amazing to me!

I have to say along with my virtual spiritual counsellor, Caroline Myss, that this is the happiness time of my life. That’s big considering I haven’t felt such a difficult January as this one. I’ve felt more bad and moody this last month than previously. The difference this time is that I have access to a pause button. In that pause I choose my reaction. Some pauses are longer than others. Sometimes I have to chew on things for awhile.

I am thriving in my now. I have the ability to choose. I love Wayne Dyer’s quote: If you change the way you look at things, the things you look change. It took me a long time to experience that change. The change has loosen me up to be more creative and objective. I am not as judgemental. I am excitingly experimenting with creative mediums – paints, words, fabrics, yarn, cooking, silence, habits. Good habits are great substitutes for will, resolve and determination. The worn path developed is not such a struggle to travel in the month of January.

 

GETTING SERIOUS AND TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

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It’s Monday and time to take care of business. I’m listening to the Guess Who’s version of Randy Bachman’s song. It’s a good one to start the week and the day off on the right foot. It gets the feet moving and the heart pumping, adding fuel to my resolves. I’m going to take myself seriously in what I do. Not that I’m a light hearted girl but I fizz and sizzle out. I lose resolve and sight of my whatever-I-want-to-do after awhile. Maybe I’ve never known or have that driving desire for something.

I’m going to change my lackadaisical attitude and energy. I start with whatever is at hand. Monday morning exercise class is my starting point. I set my intention to pump it up as best as I can. I can fake my enthusiasm. I can smile, step lively, pump up my arms and sweat. I get the same benefits even if I don’t enjoy. Today was perfect for the task. Our class was a workout on the Bosu ball. I sweated! I can call today the first day of the rest of my life. Here’s what it looks like.

It sure helps me to set my attitude and intention in the morning. I ask myself:

  • How do I want to conduct myself today?
  • What do I want to accomplish today?

And the rest will follow. That’s it. That’s all. Short and sweet. Hope you have a good day.

NOT PAVLOV’S DOG – UNTRAINING

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It’s Sunday and sunny. The sun is still shining. Sheba and I had a good sleep last night. We are ourselves and happy again. I’m sitting here in my space with my tea. I am content but I have this sense in me – a little discomfort, a feeling of putting off something. For now, I can handle putting off of whatever it is. I am happy just to be still and not investigate. Being aware of its presence is enough. I need this time just to sit. I am enjoying the sun dancing off the snow on the spruce trees, the buddhas in conversations beneath.

 

I have problems with letting things be. Maybe its my years of being a nurse. When a call bell goes off, I answer it right away. You never know what is at the end of it. It could be someone needing to go to the bathroom, someone falling and needing help, someone in dire distress. Even four years after all that, I’m still like Pavlov’s dog. I’m conditioned not to salivate, but to help, alleviate, rescue. I have the Rescuer archetype in the shadow form according to Caroline Myss. I am not empowered. I don’t withdraw once the mission is over. I am always on duty. It is not my job just to listen to problems but also to fix them for everyone. I’m not sure if anyone wanted/needed or even asked for my help. That thought has just occurred to me rescently. Nobody’s asked. I assumed.

Having that knowledge, I’m now untraining myself of all that. Not all at once, though. It took me years to learn. It will take me years to unlearn. My first step was awareness. The next thing is for me NOT to assume – that I need to do anything, even listening. But I can start by listening and keeping quiet. There’s no need for me to offer any opinions or ideas. There’s no need for me to have any feelings for or against. I can listen. Maybe then I will be able to hear what is truly said.

It is a big task. I know that already. I have all those years of being a nurse in a hospital. It is hard to catch a doctor to listen to your requests. Their minutes are busy and precious. They’re on the move. I always feel standing on the edge, waiting to get in a word, a request, a need. When I see a pause, I pounce. I am on the edge waiting, not really listening to their conversation. Just waiting. Then pouncing before they move on. Then you would have to page them. But now, I am not standing on anybody’s edge. I don’t have a job/duty to do. I don’t have those questions/requests to make. I can LISTEN and not do anything else except to tend to my own needs.

THEY’RE JUST LIKE US

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Egads! Having a fur baby is like having a real baby. When there is something wrong, they can’t articulate so that you can understand. They cry/bark and cry/bark. Nothing seems to help. Their distress is distressing. There’s no reasoning with a dog or a baby. This is my situation with Sheba at the moment. We came home after spending a couple of hours at the guy’s boat workshop. It was her mealtime and she was restless.

Saturday –

That was as far as I got yesterday. Things went from bad to worse. She ate her supper with relish as always. Instead of settling down after as usual, she was restless and pesky. She barked to be out. Then she barked to be in.  She sat on the deck and stared at me. I’m not coming in! Was her demeanor. I coaxed her in with a treat. We went through a few episodes of this. Finally I took her for another walk. Maybe she felt shortchanged on her last one. We went at a fast clip. She was happy to trot. But it did not solve the problem at all.

She remained restless and pesky all evening, barking to go out, to come in. It reminded me of another episode a couple of years ago when she was anxious. Then, it was quite clear that she had anxiety, crying, not sleeping and not eating unless we stood guard while she ate. It was quite an ordeal, lasting weeks. She was checked and no physical causes. I was thinking of medicating her when she ‘snapped’ out of it. I wasn’t sure if it was the Omega 3s that I started feeding her. She was having quite a bit of dandruff at the time, too. Omega 3s were supposed to be good for healthy coat and brain. It worked in both cases. The dandruff improved and so did the hair shedding. PLUS she started sleeping and her anxiety subsided.

Remembering all that, I was determined that this was not going to go on for weeks. I willed myself to feel confident and secured, hoping she will read that and feel safe. I was sure by evening that the anxiety was from being in the workshop. She did not like being in there. The first day she was fine and would lay on her blanket. But the second day she paced the two hours we were there. She had trouble laying down at home. She would bop right up again. She would sit with me massaging her back and ears. She could sit focused and engaged through popcorn feeding, one kernel at a time. She is a true Lab. But we could not do that forever.

When we went to bed, she still would not settle. She paced, whimpered and panted around the bed. It was worse when I kicked her out and shut the door. She started barking. Eventually I got out of bed and made myself a cup of tea. I sat at the diningroom table and painted my little index cards. In time, Sheba came and laid down near my feet and licked hers. She really went to town, panting and licking her paws. She was comforting herself. The floor was quite wet. But she did calm down. She allowed me to stay in bed and sleep. She laid in hers, at the foot of ours and slept also. By then it was after 3 am and I had painted 3 little index cards.

Today she is her normal sweet though sometimes barky self. I have a headache, my eyes are gritty. I guess that’s normal for 3 hours of sleep. But I am still standing though not tall.