It’s Sunday and sunny. The sun is still shining. Sheba and I had a good sleep last night. We are ourselves and happy again. I’m sitting here in my space with my tea. I am content but I have this sense in me – a little discomfort, a feeling of putting off something. For now, I can handle putting off of whatever it is. I am happy just to be still and not investigate. Being aware of its presence is enough. I need this time just to sit. I am enjoying the sun dancing off the snow on the spruce trees, the buddhas in conversations beneath.
I have problems with letting things be. Maybe its my years of being a nurse. When a call bell goes off, I answer it right away. You never know what is at the end of it. It could be someone needing to go to the bathroom, someone falling and needing help, someone in dire distress. Even four years after all that, I’m still like Pavlov’s dog. I’m conditioned not to salivate, but to help, alleviate, rescue. I have the Rescuer archetype in the shadow form according to Caroline Myss. I am not empowered. I don’t withdraw once the mission is over. I am always on duty. It is not my job just to listen to problems but also to fix them for everyone. I’m not sure if anyone wanted/needed or even asked for my help. That thought has just occurred to me rescently. Nobody’s asked. I assumed.
Having that knowledge, I’m now untraining myself of all that. Not all at once, though. It took me years to learn. It will take me years to unlearn. My first step was awareness. The next thing is for me NOT to assume – that I need to do anything, even listening. But I can start by listening and keeping quiet. There’s no need for me to offer any opinions or ideas. There’s no need for me to have any feelings for or against. I can listen. Maybe then I will be able to hear what is truly said.
It is a big task. I know that already. I have all those years of being a nurse in a hospital. It is hard to catch a doctor to listen to your requests. Their minutes are busy and precious. They’re on the move. I always feel standing on the edge, waiting to get in a word, a request, a need. When I see a pause, I pounce. I am on the edge waiting, not really listening to their conversation. Just waiting. Then pouncing before they move on. Then you would have to page them. But now, I am not standing on anybody’s edge. I don’t have a job/duty to do. I don’t have those questions/requests to make. I can LISTEN and not do anything else except to tend to my own needs.