Author Archives: hafong

Unknown's avatar

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

ENOUGH CRAP SAID

Posted on by
5

When I show up late, it is difficult to find those first words. I flounder around, trying this and that. My mind is full of cobwebs. This afternoon I finally made a start clearing this very desk I’m sitting on. It was full of paper crap and dust. I was on hold to Sasktel and looking at it all. How long am I going to take before I attend to it? I started wiping a bit here and there. Got one area dusted before the Sasktel person got back to me. Another billing hitch worked out again.

It all goes to remind me how much of our lives are caught up in paper, whether it’s on hard copy or virtual. I have trouble dealing with either form. The truth is I don’t deal with it at all till absolutely necessary. It is THE reason why everything is so hard. I really want somebody else to take care of – EVERYTHING for me. Of course, that never happens nor is it possible. Everyone is responsible for their own shit and should take care of it themselves. Of course, we know that is not always the case. I decided I might as well get my head out of the sand and deal with the truth.

The truth is my shit includes some of others’. Acknowledging and accepting that will lift the emotional part of the burden. I have to look at it in an impersonal and impassionate way. I see it. That’s half the battle. Life is short and shorter when you’re in the retirement age bracket. I do not want to tap forever about my dust, paper crap and other angst. My plan for this month is to clear all the crap. It needs a deadline.

I’m not thinking too clearly now that I’ve had my glass of wine. But here’s the plan. Whatever I come across that doesn’t have a use and can’t be recycled will be tossed into the garbage. I have already tossed numerous post-it-note, memo and other pads into the recycle bin. How many pads or scrap paper do I need? How many lists do I make – none. There are several heavy outdated textbooks in the bin also. School is over. So is work. I’ve shredded a bundle of old bills and receipts. I have to let go of hanging onto every scrap of paper as security or proof of my worth. I have to hang on to my life instead.

Enough crap said. I’ve laid bare my soul. Tormorrow is another day.

 

MOVES AND GROOVES

Posted on by
2

Why are the things we need to do the most prove to be the most difficult? Is it mental or physical? Most likely it’s a combination of both. Nothing is clear cut however much we long for simplicity. My body was clearly crying out for relief this morning. My neck and other body parts were stiff and sore from sleeping crooked. My mind must have been, too. It wasn’t commanding enough to make the body get down on the floor for my stretching routine.

Instead, I did the qigong routine from the DVD QIQONG for beginners by Francesco Garripoli and Daisy Lee. I have done it often enough that I know the 18 exercises without the dvd. It’s a good standby when mind and body are tired and out of sync. The moves are stronger than their gentleness imply. Their glue is long lasting. After all this time, I still have the moves. I will let them ease the aches and pains. Let them coax me into some productivity today. When I can’t get down, I do standing up. There’s always an alternative. When you can’t do more, do a little less. Less is always more than none.

I haven’t been looking forward to walks with Sheba these days. We went anyways. It was sunny but chilly. The streets and alleys are still a nightmare. They’re icy and slippery with puddles of water in between. In the back alleys, it is like walking on glass shards in places. I was happy to have my walking stick with me. I’m delighted to be back sipping my cuppa tea and eating one of my sister’s Easter buns. I feel like another but I must restrain myself. Let the first one digest and fill my tummy. I have to learn how to make them myself now that I’ve mastered breadmaking. Expand my horizon, why don’t I?

I must finish my tea, fold some laundry and put them away. I’m catching on to the fad of dealing with things and not letting them pile up. It’s working quite well. After Easter supper with the family last night, we cleaned and put everything away. The table cloths got whipped off and laundered with the dishcloths. The table leaves taken out and put away along with the extra chairs. It’s best not to think too much and just do.

I’m tickled that I got enough muster to start my tapping. It’s the second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It was too much of a challenge yesterday to write. I was caught up in cooking the Easter turkey according to Chef John. I thought I should concentrate on making it a success seeing as 7 other people were coming for supper. I must confess that it turned out quite well. It helped that it was a Butterball turkey. Did you know that a Butterball turkey does not contain butter inside? It’s just a brand name. Perhaps it’s best not to google for too much information. Somewhere in my google, I came across info maybe their turkey is not ethically raised. So I must stop here and go fold the laundry.

 

 

 

TUMBLING DOWN ALL MY PILE UPS

Posted on by
1

It was a struggle, but the lunch dishes are done. The stovetop is wiped off. There’s nothing that aggravates my unease more than dirty dishes and greasy stovetop. Today is not what I call a great day though I am trying in my usual way. I’m not quite as efficient or productive. I’m feeling the malaise caused by the flare up of my Lichen planus. I’m chilling but maybe it’s too much. I need to move just a little more.

I cuddled up too long this morning with Sue Grafton’s D is for Deadbeat. But I did tear myself away and worked at organizing a work station for tranplanting my seedlings. It’s easier if I have everything close at hand. Then I don’t have to trip over things and rummage around to find all the necessary stuff. I’m trying to understand why I couldn’t take the time to do this before. I’m concentrating hard on untangling all my mess. Maybe in the process I will find the answers. It would be good if I didn’t have to struggle so much with everything.

It’s come to me as I’m tapping here that my struggles could be a result of avoiding and dreading unpleasant things. Avoidance tend to cause alot of pile ups. It’s never a solution for anything but I did it.  Maybe avoidance eroded my immune system and caused the lichen planus. I’m swearing off it now. I’ve been sweating facing up to everything but I’m standing up to it all – one issue at a time. Now I have to face up to taking Sheba out for her walk. I don’t feel like it, but I’ll do it anyways.

It’s sunny out but it’s dang unpleasant. It’s cold with a nasty biting wind. We’re glad the walk is over and we’re home, warm and snug. I’m brewing some dandelion tea. I hope it will give me a pick up. Meanwhile I’m thinking of starting a mood blanket. I got the idea from Instagram. There was a bunch of creative people knitting and crocheting temperature blankets. Curious, I asked. The blankets are made of colours according to the temperature of each day. Each colour represents a range of temperature. I thought it would be interesting to assign moods to colours. A Granny square a day would not be too much. It would keep my mind on creating instead of my discomfort. What colour would you give to tire?

 

A DROP IN THE BUCKET

Posted on by
2

It’s so easy to sink into the doldrums once it gets its hook into me. I can still feel the residue of yesterday’s surliness. I’m in a bad mood already. I don’t want to stay there. I remember Henry Miller’s 11 Commandments on writing, #5 specifically.

  1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
  2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to ‘Black Spring.’
  3. Don’t be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
  4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
  5. When you can’t create you can work.
  6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
  7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
  8. Don’t be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
  9. Discard the Program when youfeel like it—but go back to it next day.
  10.  Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.Forget the books you want to write.
  11. Think only of the book you are writing.

I can apply all the commandments to everyday living. Some days things don’t go easily or smoothly. These days I will have to work at it till the flow comes back. Now that my acute hip and back pain are gone, I’m not quite as eager to do the stretches. I do them anyways. Those little twinges remind me but I still have to push myself. I try to find pleasure in my efforts. Sheba comes to the rescue, licking my face and crowding close, trying to find room on my mat.

I can’t say that I feel a whole lot better having done the stretches. I’m looking at #4 – Work according to program and not to mood. I keep the stretching short and sweet. There’s less chance of my abandoning my efforts that way. I’m building on my successes on a small scale. I like this quote from Lisa Wimberger:

“You fill a bucket drop by drop. You clear your mind thought by thought. You heal yourself moment by moment. Today I make one drop, clear one thought, and get present to one moment. And then I do it again.”

There’s so much wisdom in that. Every drop (of effort/success) counts. They eventually fill the bucket. I know. It takes time and maybe a very long time. But what are you going to do in the meantime – nothing? In my meantime, I have painted my picture for 365Somethings 2018, stretched, transplanted some seedlings, taken Sheba to the dog park, picked up my prescription and flowers, vaccum, visited my parents, write this post. Sounds like I’ve done alot! I haven’t done the lunch dishes yet. It’s next.

S is for SURLY

Posted on by
Reply

Spring is not always what it’s cracked up to be – full of sunshine, joy and green things pushing up from the ground. Today was tough, the temperature in the minus double digits. My back trouble nagged me through the night into the morning and well into the afternoon. I was feeling surly and well nigh miserable. I hate to complain but why shouldn’t I? Why can’t I ventilate and ease some of my miseries? That’s what ‘they’ tell you to do. Let it out. But when you do, ‘they’ label you a complainer. So I let off steam here. It’s coming out both ears.

Thank goodness for Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. A good thriller takes my mind off my various discomforts. I’ve read A is for Alibi in one day. It’s that good. Now I’m feeling at a loss but at least my back is better. It’s not spasming and making me scream out anymore. I feel less grumpy and hostile. But I’m not feeling nice. I still feel somewhat like hell. I have another Sue Grafton on hand – D is for Deadbeat. That describes me at the moment. I better save that for tomorrow in case I have a repeat of today. Besides, it is almost supper time.

You and I know that some days are better than others. Today is definitely not a better day. But it is what it is. I have to deal with it as best as I can and not to make it worse. Obviously my body is telling me to rest. I should accept it as a gift. I can lull around, mope, drink tea, read, get grumpy, eat chocolate…without feeling guilty. It is okay not to feel on top of the world. I don’t have to smile. I can scowl if I feel like it. So there! Take that any way you like. Tomorrow is another day.

 

 

TIRED BY IT ALL

Posted on by
4

I forget how taxing appointments are. I am pooped after spending the morning at the Vet College with Sheba. Her checkup was very thorough, first by the student. Then it was followed by the clinician. Both were very pleasant, informative, respectful and not pushy. She got a clean bill of health though she had a few worn teeth and stiff joints. We said no to bloodwork and a dental consult. I’m sure at almost 12, she would have a few iffy findings. The trouble would be what would I do about them? Best to leave good enough alone until there is trouble.

We had met the student before when Sheba had a nutrition consult at the insistence of a different clinician. The student had fallen in love with Sheba at that meeting. She asked to have Sheba today. So the lucky dog got lots of TLC today.  The clinician from 2 years ago was quite hyper and pushy. She felt Sheba was grossly overweight and needed to be on special diet. We did go along but it was a total failure. Sheba got very constipated and gassy on the special high fiber diet and refused to eat. She did lose weight from that so can I say it was a failure?

Anyhow, in the end we returned the refundable special diet. We cut back her treats and slowly introduced her to Orijen for senior dogs. That clinician did not approve of it because it was too rich, too many calories. I had read so many good reviews about it. I wanted to give it a try. I would give her less volume but equal calories to her old dog food. It was a slow process of switching over but it was a success. She is healthy and vibrant. Her coat is shiny and her weight has come down. Two years later, she’s a svelte 27.9 kg. BUT googling now on how to spell Orijen, I came across articles on a lawsuit against Champion Pet Food, maker of Orijen and Acana. What to think? I guess I shouldn’t think too much or believe everything I read. There is a lawsuit but no recall. Sheba is healthy. No need to worry yet.

I have to get up and stretch now. My lower back feels stiffer today. Funny how a little wrong move can cause so much trouble. It wears on my energy, too. The sun has clouded over. Snow is drifting outside the window. I am glad we went to the park after our appointment. I can just relax, not having to think about going out again. Sheba is tired by her excitement this morning, too. She’s fallen asleep and forgotten about her supper. Or have I fed her but forgotten?

 

MY MAGIC CARPET

Posted on by
2

I’m trying to get my ass in gear but it’s feeling mighty heavy today. It doesn’t help that I pulled or twisted something in my lower back this morning. I was simply moving my sewing table into a better spot. The table had wheels so it wasn’t even heavy nor the move strenuous. But my back went an oh-oh. It passed fairly quickly but remains a dull ache. Life is never pain free. Now, I have to google for stretches for the lower back.

It’s snowing again, just when our solar panels are cleared and making electricity. This late March snow is wearing on my one nerve that is left. Sheba and I have just come back from our walk. Yesterday’s slush have frozen into hard crusty bumpy ice. I did not enjoy an inch of the walk. And we did inched along, my footsteps heavy as lead. Nothing fun about nature today. Am I complaining? You bettcha. Having a bad mood day but I’m not throwing it around. I’m keeping it here on the page.

I had time this morning to watch a small segment of Caroline Myss’ video on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices. I agree with her that words are magic carpets. They are transformative. That is why I return here, to my space, to tap out the words, to dig out the magic/solutions. It’s one way for me to be in the present moment, to sit here with my mind focused to this moment. It creates space for silence and rest for my busy wandering mind. I let go of the daily chatter. I hear the tap, tap of the keys. It is soothing. I feel my shoulders relaxing and dropping. The ache in my lower back is easing. My forehead unfurls. I am emptied of my striving and fussing.

Another cup of tea and some toast and jam and I will feel replenished and ready for moving and doing again.

 

WOMAN AT WORK

Posted on by
Reply

It’s another day and I will have a few less items clogging up the basement. I have hauled them up and by the door, ready to load in the car for disposal tomorrow. They are heavy – both for the body and psyche. I am pooped but feeling lighter already. It was a chore going through the computer and deleting and clearing as best as I could. I stopped reading the emails after the first few. Otherwise it would take forever, which it already has – since 2005.

There’s another PC waiting in the wings but I will hang on to it just a little bit longer. It has alot more data than the first one. It is really an arduous task for me just thinking about getting rid of the stuff that I no longer use. I understand why I have left it for so long. The mental part is as difficult the physical. But it MUST be done. The rubble in the basement and in the head do not go away by themselves. I must have reached the maximum tolerance and now I AM ready to do the hard work. I am done in by today’s small progress but I am satisfied. I am calling it a day.

Tomorrow is another day. It is an ongoing process. Maintenance work – a little dab daily will do it.

NO SHAME AND BLAME

Posted on by
Reply

I feel very tired and cross after my second day of excavating the rubble in the basement. I am making progress but it is always a bigger job than I envision. It always is. And I would abandon the project time and time again. I should have been listening to Benjamin Franklin when he said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” I haven’t done any maintenance work in the basement for two years. I take things down but nothing comes up – not even dust. Now I’m paying the price. I’ll probably be a few pounds heavier after I’m done. It’s hard and stressful. I’m snacking.

I’m trying to be more efficient and tough with the stuff – recycle or throw out. No saving in case of it might come in handy later. Some things are difficult to recycle because frankly people rather get new stuff. I hate cluttering up the landfill with my stuff, so for now the rowing machine, exercise bike, mini stepper and slant board are in the garage. Maybe in summer I will bring them out as free grabs. Then what do you do with all those cutesy baskets and containers? I blame them for my accumulation of stuff. Then there’s my very old computer. How do you get all the data off the hard drive – smash it? And how do you get the hard drive out of the tower? I suppose I should ask at a computer store.

I’m feeling better, not so cross or tired. I just ate a bowl of chips. They help rid the dust in my throat. Yes, it is a little dusty down there with a few cobwebs. I should be ashamed of myself but what good would that do? I’m feeling bogged down as it is. Shame would add to the load. So no thanks to shame or blame. Life happens as they say. Tomorrow I will do a little more and a little better.

RETHINKING EVERYTHING

Posted on by
Reply

Chicken strips again! It’s easy and it’s good. Pop them in the oven and voila! 20 minutes later you have food. It does get tiresome after awhile, never mind the electric bill escalating with daily use. But what do you do when you have those gift cards from M&M? After this week is dealt with, I will have to rethink lunches and EVERYTHING else.

It’s mostly with how I deal/not deal with stuff. I often catch myself wondering why I avoid/dread doing things that’s not difficult. Why can’t I bend over and pick up that book or whatever that fell on the floor? Why can’t I wipe the dust when I’m looking at it? Why do I dread appointments of every kind? Clearly I need to change my feelings toward tasks. If I delete the words dread and procrastinate from my vocabulary, would I delete those feelings from my psyche and body. It’s worth a try. They deplete too much energy from me.

It’s a miserable windy and snowy day. See, I’m paying attention. I’m changing the way I talk. I’m deleting negative feeling words from my speech. I’m enjoying my cup of tea. Sheba’s next to me on her bed. She’s not at all objecting on missing her afternoon walk. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break. It’s good to take a load off our feet. I’m tapping out the kinks in my head, neck and shoulders. It’s helpful to unload onto the page. Less wear and tear on me.

I did good this morning, doing all the hard, yucky, don’t-want-to-do stuff. Ooops! I slipped, letting the negatives in again. Clearly it is the way I talk that contributes to my malfunctions. I enjoy all my hobbies – gardening, sewing, baking, painting…They all involve steps. Some steps are more enjoyable than others but they are all necessary. I have to accept the whole package. I have to re-think and re-think them in a pleasant way.