Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

MY CAMINO ROAD

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Beginnings of anythings are hard. Mornings are the best for me. It’s that time before trivia creeps in and fills all the recesses of my mind. They block the flow of oxygen and ideas to my being. But it is so tempting to linger over that cup of tea/coffee and scroll one more page and read another article, then another post. Before I know it, an hour or two have passed. The good/bright ideas/intentions have disappeared. All I’m left is lethargy and annoyance with myself.

I have to be stern with my lagging, sagging self. Nip it in the bud or it could run rampant, like an infection. So here I am, showing up before I get feverish and succumb to another lazy day. Movement begats more movement and energy. I go back to things that work for me, working in small blocks. If I get stuck, I stop and do something else. I’m learning not to sabotage myself. It’s been a long journey of many slow steps. But I am seeing more clearly as I am walking this, my very own Camino Road of enlightenment. No need to go to Spain. I have Sheba to keep me company here on the road.

Now it is 3:30 in the afternoon. I’m pecking/tapping away at my day. An index card painted for 365 Somethings 2018, a photo for April Love , Sheba’s afternoon walk done – these are the sign posts that guide me. They add order and rhythm to my day. In between these projects, the bedding plants are placed onto the deck, getting some natural light, readying for permanent residence out of doors. The deck chairs are rid of their dust and grime. Corners of the deck cleared of last year’s dirt. Screens wiped. Not all finished but a good start. That’s all that is needed. A start and the rest will follow. Repeat this every day.

 

PROCESSING AND REROUTING

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I’m torn between doing and being. It’s never difficult for me to just be. There are many things calling out to be done.  Much as I believe FlyLady’s motto, You are not behind, this tug of war today have caused me to be behind. It has drained some of my energy. I feel somewhat irked. I’ll listen to the FlyLady’s advice and jump in where I am. I had subscribed to their emails to help organize and get out of chaos. It didn’t work for me.  I  read the emails but I didn’t do the stuff. After awhile I stopped even reading the emails. I have to find my own way. What I really want to do right now is read a little more of I is for Innocent with my coffee. So, I’ll be back later.

So later is another day. I ran out of steam, desire and time yesterday. I’m still suffering from the first two reasons. I’m still in my pjs but the lunch dishes are done. I’m letting the Roomba have its way in the kitchen. That’s what I do to miminize the getting behind stuff. I’ve become wily when I’m lazy with no energy. That’s why the good Lord gave us a brain. You know what they say. A rest is as good as a change. I’m processing – letting me rest a bit and letting things perk on their own. I’m listening to my GPS. Reroute! Reroute! I’ve finally heard.

I’ve just read another post from Julie Yip William’s blog called Love. It is a letter to her husband. Julie has passed away in March from colon cancer. I have no adequate words to describe it. You will have to read for yourself. Her words and insights are as profound as Paul Kalanithi’s When Breath Becomes Air.  Perhaps it’s their subject, death. Perhaps it’s their Asian background. I first learned of Paul from an article in Stanford Medicine’s journal called Before I Go. Yet another wonderful blog from an Asian writer living in Finland, is A Leaf in Springtime. I came across it a few years ago. She is a survivor of breast cancer.

I feel grateful stumbling across these writers. Grateful for their generosity of sharing their journeys. Words and stories are transformative. They are part of my GPS system. There is no reason to wander, lost in the wilderness when there are the words of those who went before us and those are here to lend us a guiding hand. To them, I say a big thank you.

 

 

 

PING! GOES MY HEAD

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I’m feeling somewhat euphoric. I’ve double checked my tax return and pushed the SEND button and made my payment electronically. I made a new folder (Taxes) on my Mac desktop, downloaded a copy of the return and dropped it into the folder. PING! I’m finally getting the hang of letting go, emptying and organizing. I was so excited that I did more cleanup of my Mac desktop. It’s still needs some work, but I’ve organized items into folders. I hope it will be easier to find things now. At least it looks neater and not so cluttered. Enough for now. Time to take a break and take Sheba for her walk.

It’s another windy day in Saskatoon. Good to see the city crew doing street cleaning, ridding some of the dust. I cleaned the yard of Sheba’s poop after our walk. Now I am pooped. I had to resusatate myself with a decaf and half a toasted baguette. I’m practicing restraint, hoping to look svelte for summer. I won’t be aiming for bikini thin, but something short of that is okay at this stage in my life. I think I’m starting to talk like Kinsey Millhone, a character in Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. I was indulging myself with a few pages of I is for Innocent with my decaf and baguette. Now I’m sleepy as all get out.

I’m probably a little overwhelmed by my progress. Such a great feeling! Everything working out. I feel like singing, At last, at last. Life is indeed like a song, Miss Etta.

 

IF YOU BELIEVE ME, COPY AND PASTE

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It’s very easy to get derailed and fall off the track. I’m taking care not to linger and languish as it is my weakness. I could have curled up all morning with Sue Grafton’s I is for Innocent. I found it last week while I was sorting and dusting my bookshelves. I didn’t even know I owned one of her books. That’s the wonder of just collecting and not inspecting what I have. I get to oooh and aaah over new found treasures like a kid.

I could have lingered all morning, but I didn’t. It wasn’t easy but I got off my duff. I did my qigong routine. I tried to put my awareness on my movements but that darned mind kept wandering off. I had to rein it in time and time again. In my mind’s eye, I was emptying all the unnecessary stuff out of me with each outbreath. It was relaxing. I felt lighter as I breathe out all the crap.

Practice does make for better. Guess what? I’ve finished reading Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself! Now to put into practice what I have learned. I tend to gather information and stop there. Having the information doesn’t accomplish much except that I have the knowledge. Without use, it is useless. It is much like Facebook’s copy and paste. Have you thought about what that does? It’s just copying and pasting. You haven’t done a damn thing. That’s my way of thinking but I’m opened to hear a good argument to the contrary.

What have I done with my morning?

  • Qigong as mentioned.
  • Deboned 2 chicken (both partially eaten) for souping in the Instant Pot.
  • Making list for shopping at Costco this afternoon.
  • Vacuumed the kitchen and dining area.
  • Writing this post.

It’s a lot for me, the Languishing Queen. I’m happy with my results. I’m enjoying travelling in the slow steady lane, going as far as I can see what is in front of me. Maybe I can slowly increase my speed as I get the hang of things.

 

THOUGHTS, WORDS, MOODS

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I ate all the leftovers brought home last night from the Mandarin Restaurant. Zero waste with one plate and a fork to wash. I enjoyed it but it did not pass my mother’s taste buds. Not enough ingredients. Ingredients not good quality. Not very much meat. These were her pronouncements. I have to admit that I am not very discerning. Like Sheba, I like anything edible. She was right about the meat part – small and covered up with a lot of veggies. It was perfect for me. I’m not over sated from a few chicken pieces and a pile of bok choy.

I’m enjoying my second cup of Orange Pekoe tea for the day. I can feel myself wanting another cup. I will refrain. I will tap a few more words, rise and clear up the few dishes. Then I better get started with the bread. It will interrupt my Orange Pekoe craving and keep the flow of the day going. I’ve discovered that I could get a lot done by spending a little bit of time doing this and that. It also breaks up bouts of grumpiness, surliness and depression.

I don’t want to mislead anyone about my moods. I am certainly grumpy alot of the time, especially when I was working. But I wouldn’t call myself that now. The same goes for the depression. I am one who feels things deeply. I have been told that I have high standards and I hold everyone to them. I still have the same high standards. I’ve let go of the hold though. What anyone else does is no concern of mine. It took awhile for me to see it. Seeing it now, I feel so foolish. Such a busy body I am, judging others. Most of all, such a waste of energy! It took me away from caring for myself.

You see – I can learn. I can talk a new talk and do a new walk. I don’t have to keep going down the same garden path. The dough is poofing in the oven and I’m sitting with my decaf. I am a little pooped from standing, mixing and kneading. I’m happy to sit till the timer calls me to punch the dough down, shape it into loaves and poof again. It was some wonderful quiet time kneading and slapping the dough into a ball. It was like a love affair of some sort. Needless to say, it was very satisfying. Even Sheba was cooperating, not barking her fool head off.

I WILL TARRY NO MORE

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I love lunches that require no dishwashing. Who wouldn’t? I’m still in my lazy, relaxed mode but I’m moving as required. Stagnacy gathers dust and mold. Let me rest and tap here for a bit. Then I will descend the stairs and wash another window and another set of blinds. I said I will seed more kohlrabi and I will. After that, it’ll be time to walk the dog. I’ve discovered that things do not take as much time when I am “in the flow”.

I take care not to linger too long with any one thing, place or mood. In other words, balance in all things. There are so many truths in those proverbs and adages:

  • A change is as good as a rest
  • A good beginning makes a good ending
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
  • Actions speak louder than words

These are a few of my favourite. If I practice them every day, I could go far. Perhaps it would be a good idea to pick a few each day and work on them. It would create some fun and maybe a new way of thinking and problem solving. It would be a change.

The wind is howling outside. It makes me think of W.O. Mitchell’s Who Has Seen the Wind. It’s about a boy growing up in Saskatchewan during the Great Depression. I have seen the movie but not read the book. I have to add it to my reading list. After all, Mitchell is Saskatchewan’s own. The book sold almost a million copies and was made into a movie. What other incentive would I need?

An interesting blog I’ve recently stumbled onto is Julie Yip Williams‘ cancer fighting journey. She lost her fight in March, 2018. Her writing is beautiful and honest. What drew me was her cancer journey and that she is Chinese. Well, all of her life is interesting and inspiring. She was born in Vietnam and immigrated to the U.S. It is the same interest I have in Amy Tan. In both I found the common denominator of a Chinese in America and our relationship to our parents. Julie writies of Filial Love in 2 parts. The link for part 1 will lead to part 2, if you are interested.

Now, I have to tarry here no more. There are other things calling and I have to abide.

CONSTANT CRAVING

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Strange times. I have to sit and chew on it for a bit. Sheba and I have just returned from our walk. It is WARM out there all of a sudden. Most of the snow are gone. I’m hot and sweaty, tapping a few words waiting for the water to boil for a cuppa of decaf. I’m cutting back on my tea consumption. Too much of a good thing was making my bladder crazy. I wonder why I have this addiction to Orange Pekoe tea. The more I drink, the more I crave it. Limiting myself to two cups a day seem to be helping – the bladder and the craving.

This feeling of craving is such a curious thing. The more I give in to it, the worse it gets. It’s a good thing that it’s only Orange Pekoe tea. Imagine the consequences if it is something else, like sugar. Maybe that was part of it, too. I like my tea sweetened with honey. So far, so good. I’ve kept to the 2-cup limit for a week now. No more craving. This principle probably applies to other things as well. It is wise to practice balance in all things. I will pay more attention from now on. I am sure I have the addict archetype in me.

It’s the next day, Saturday. My tap ran dry yesterday. I’m back to finish though today I’ve been taken over by sleepiness and idleness. I hope I can find a few interesting words and ideas. I could just do my usual mutterings. I am cured of the need ‘to do and accomplish’ for the time being. But it’s not good either to give in to languishing. I’m feeling as if I’ve grown roots into the loveseat. I’m still in my pjs though it is almost 3 pm. Soon I have to get dressed for a walk with Sheba. In the meantime let me enjoy my decaf and tap out a few more words.

It’s been a long while since I’ve felt this ease and peace within. Everything is working. I’m not fighting anyone or anything. I see all my ducks lined up in a row. How is it that life seems so easy in this moment? It could be that I took some care to clear, clean and organize my living surroundings. Cleanliness is next to holiness. It’s not that I can eat off the floors yet. But soon! And that what needs to be dealt with are, and not hidden beneath the piles. That never worked anyways. Things may be hidden from physical sight but they were just festering beneath the skin. So how could I have peace of mind when they were worming within?

Now that I have learned a few lessons, I hope I won’t slide back to my old ways of ‘later’. It’s much easier to JUST DO IT now. I’ll just sit back and breathe in this new feeling. It will help to keep me on track.

 

 

SILENCE BECOMES ME

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I have another secret. I’m enjoying the process of clearing and cleaning. I’ve held onto my stuff for too long. Even the dust was getting stale and taking up space. In my eagerness and ecstasy, I dropped a glass candle holder I was dusting this morning. It shattered into many splinters on the floor. I went Oh No! in my head. But as I was sweeping up the pieces, I realized that it just sits on top of the china cabinet, not doing anything. Maybe I lit a candle once in its whole life. Now there is one less dust collector and more space for me to breathe.

I’m enjoying my space and the silence of the afternoon. Sheba is content on her cushion. I’m sipping tea, relaxing my face, breathing in the peace. I’m settling my mind, quieting the swirling dust within and exhaling them out. Talk and conversation are not useful sometimes. He said. She said. You said. I said. THEY said. Harmful and poisonous words. I let them all go with my exhale. It is difficult to live congruently – talk the walk, walk the talk. So sometimes it is best not to talk at all. I’m not good at multitasking. Let me just do the walk for now. And the rest will come. That’s what THEY say anyways.

 

AN UNLOADER’S REGRET

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Sometimes I feel foolish being here, day after day. But it is the need of conversation and  a friend that I return. It is true that I am my own best friend. Who has walked in my shoes and see my exact point of view? I feel it is foolish to tell another, “I understand. I get it. I know where you are. Been there. Done that.” We each have our own unique experiences and way of seeing the world. We couldn’t possibly understand another’s. All I can do is accept another’s when they tell me. Believe and don’t try to change or contradict. That is my motto.

It is here that I get to talk without interruption or correction. No one will say, Who’s THEY?  No one will tell me I’m making assumptions. Before I go on and forget, I can tell you now who THEY are. They are our human tribe. I hope no one will demand who the THEY are from me any more. In my space, I can speak without judgement. No one will tell me that I say outloud what others would think only. It’s good I’ve unleashed my dark twin. I am getting a load off my mind.

Speaking of loads, it is quite difficult to rid them. Attachments have deep holds even though they serve no purpose. I felt so elated after doing my tax return this morning. It was a heavy load off my mind. In the process, I found that I’m not totally dizzy, ditzy and disorganized. I felt it was a good time to unload more of my outdated nursing texts and journals into the recycle bin. I gathered all the hard covered Nursing Skills manual. They were in excellent condition. I don’t think I’ve ever actually read one. Regret coursed through my body. I put them back on the shelf. Then I gathered them up again and ran outside. Into the bin they went. My logical self had asked: Of what purpose do they serve on the shelf for another 30 years?

My book shelves are getting thinned and dusted. I am sure I will experience more regret as I rid more of what is not needed anymore. It is not the books or objects that I am attached to. It is the memories they invoke. The regret over choices made, things not done, etc. There is only one path we can go down at any one time. Too bad we can’t straddle them all. Maybe hanging onto stuff is the straddle.  I’m afraid of letting go. It is really being stuck and unable to go forward.

The feelings of regret and pining over choices not made are human. They are short lived like the ones of a buyer’s regret. I remember I’ve said  “My God, what have I done!” over many purchases. All that evorporated with the enjoyment of the piano, house renovations, my Bernina sewing machine. I’m making real progress now, however slow it may be. An inch, a book, a square a day can add up to quite a bit in a year. I have alot of books but not 365 – I think.

 

 

SPEAKING FROM MY DARK SIDE

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I’ll tell you a secret. Maybe you know it already. It is no secret after all, except to me. Life never lets up. There’s always something or other coming at you. I’m on to it now. I might not be all caught up with everything but I am keeping pace. I am not behind. I can’t say that I’m any happier knowing this secret. Life is easier knowing it. I think I understand a little better that universal laws that govern all of us. They are not personal. That is how they are.

That is not to say that I don’t take things personally sometimes. That’s how I am. That’s how we all are. That is the law of gravity and being human. Sometimes we fall/fail. What goes up must come down. Being in this frame of mind now, I have a different view of Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. Possibly my shadow side has taken over my keyboard. But then it has always been my dominant self. I’ve been fighting it too much and too hard. Since this is my space, I should let it have a say once in awhile.

So what are the 4 agreements? They are four principles that Miguel Ruis came up with after a life changing experience. They are practices to help you to have a life of love and happiness.

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I am not a bad person but I really have a ton of trouble living up to these agreements. My ears perk up and I come to attention when I hear an inkling of gossip. I don’t thrive on malicious stuff but I do come alive with people news. Excuse me, but I do take many things personally, especially when they are directed at me. I do get wounded by unkind, thoughtless remarks and acts. I’m not into drama. I try not to assume but I know I do. I take things at face value. I’m judgemental. I’m disappointed when someone doesn’t practice what they preach.  I guess #4 saves me. I can at least say I’m doing the best I can.

My dark angel has spoken. She is not ashamed of the flawed self. I’m not either. I am not in search of love or happiness. I just need a reason to get up every morning. I am grateful that I have and that I am tenacious in getting up and showing up day after day. I am faulty but with purpose. Can you say the same?