Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

TURNING ON A DIME

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January 18, 2019  2:01 pm

When I bought my Honda CRV, one of the sales pitch used was that it can turn on a dime. Apparently it, or some other pitch worked. The truth is it was the hatch back and large cargo area with its rubber liner that sold me. It was perfect for Sheba. See what I mean? She has plenty of room to stand up or lay down and windows to look out of on all sides. It was her bedroom in summer when we went camping.

I haven’t thought of the dime feature for a long time. It’s just popped into my head the other day. Funny how thoughts happen. It was thoughts that triggered the memory. If you know me, you would know I’m a gatherer of information on how to do anything/be/live better. I collect but haven’t used much of what I’ve gathered. You can call me a hoarder. That is changing – I think. It HAS – really. Already, I’ve changed the header image and font of this blog. It’s looking sleeker, don’t you think?

Ok, back to the dime turning thought. I was feeling sick and tired of my thoughts, feelings, my whole f’ing life. Perhaps it’s the January blues, a new year after the old year thing. It’s not how I want to feel. I felt sorely disappointed in myself. I remembered all the things I’ve done, all the books I’ve read. To what avail? I ask myself. I’m sick of my attitude, too.

I have to change my thoughts or I’m going to be unhappy forever. Those words  popped into my head. Thank you Wayne Dyer for Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life. Yes, my thinking changed just like that – on a dime. But let me tell you, it can change back just as quick. I have to keep turning them around. In my mind I’m tossing coins. Sometimes I’m tossing flapjacks. It works. It shakes up my thought patterns. I can’t keep driving ahead. I’m going to end up in the ditch. I have to change directions, left or right? Any change is right to get out of the rut. I can change again when I’m out.

A CALL TO ACTION

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January 17, 2019  5:03 pm

I finally heard my call to action this morning. Repotting my plants has been on my to do list for many a days. It finally got crossed off. There never seems to be enough time to fit that in. I’ve never made time, as if one could manufacture it. It’s something I would like to do and hold that precious thing in my hands. Precious as it is, I’ve let it slither through my fingers like a sieve. Here today, gone tomorrow.

It’s been said a few times that I have a very green thumb. Even so, my plants have been crying for attention to deaf ears. Some were beyond help, like the dead potted rose on my desk. The leaves and blooms were clinging desperately to the dried branches. Likewise the little magnolia I grew from seed. It was long past its best due date. They’re in the compost now. But I managed to revamp the Spider Plant, trimming some of the wilty leaves and baby spiders. It needed a haircut. One baby spider is in its own little pot. Will it thrive? We will see.

It took most of the morning to care for these neglected plants. Maybe that was why I couldn’t get my ass off the couch. Besides, I know it was going to get messy. Life is messy, too. I hate cleanups, don’t you? It’s no reason to avoid everything because of a little dirt. It all sweeps up. I rolled up my sleeves and ditched a few more pots. Really, how many Peace Lilies do I need? They grow pretty fast. By summer I am sure it will be big enough to be divided again.

 

I resuscitated some of the geranium cuttings from fall. Some were done, dried up or rotted.  The once ever blooming African Violet is in a pot of new dirt. Maybe it needs a bit of fertilizer to bloom. The Cyclamen found a home in a mug.  The succulent will do better in  a smaller pot. They’re all now sitting prettily under the grow light. It’s time well spent. I wonder why I thought it was so hard. I should put hands on more often. It’s tender loving care not only for my plants but for myself.

MY SECRET WEAPONS

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I’ve come to look at negative emotions in a different light. Instead of working so damn hard not to have them, I’m taking them in stride and using them to my benefit. How can that be? you ask. Well let me tell you. First and most important of all, I’ve been a total failure at squishing myself to keep all those bad feelings inside. Inevitably, they leak out. Worse, they sometimes explode, causing irreparable damage. People will not say much. They will just have THAT look. All the judgements and blame are there. I know IT.

What do I do now? I have tried to be cool as a cucumber many times. You know that NEVER works for me. I’m more like a chili pepper. I am a Hot Head. If you’re really my friend, you would know that. You would be a little forgiving. You would know that I’m a little forgiving of your mishaps also. If we’re friends I would tell you my newly acquired secret weapons, what I do when the devil tries to make me do/say stuff that I wouldn’t say/do when I’m in my right mind. The thing that works the least is trying to keep my lips sealed. I’m a talker, just like my dog, Sheba. Our bark is worse than our bite. We don’t bite – much.

The thing that works the best is putting all that fire into action. I like to WORK IT, whatever is at hand. Just now, I put it into washing the bathroom floor. I can’t stand scrubbing that little patch of linoleum. I put all my mire and muscle into it. Take this! Pow! And that! Another pow. Amazing how fast I can when I’m feeling pissed, blue or both. Sometimes I feel pissed at feeling blue. Now both moods are cleaned/scrubbed out. No danger of an explosion. I get to tell you about it. But if you were my friend, I wouldn’t have to tell you. You would know.

I have a few other secret weapons but they’re the real ones, the ones I don’t tell. If we get to be real friends, maybe you can work my lips loose. I really don’t want to spill out because then their effectiveness will be lost.

TO HEAR MYSELF

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January 15, 2019  7:01 pm

January can be such a hard month. I probably can say that of every month. I am sure that I have. How else can you open a conversation? One needs a handle and that’s as good as any. That will teach me to wait till evening to do it. I walk around all day with so many ideas and thoughts in my head. They slowly disappear one by one. They’re all gone now.

If we’re sitting together around the fireplace, what would we talk about? It depends on who you are, of course. If we are good friends, very good friends, what would you tell me? How would we spend our time together? Would you just tell me what you think I want to hear? Would I do the same? No, if we’re very, very good friends, we would not have to worry. The conversation would just flow. We would not have to try. We would speak as one heart. We have that much trust in one another. There’ll be no worry.

I’m sitting alone here, sipping on my glass of wine. There is no fire. And so, I’m having this conversation with myself. I’m not talking to please myself. I’m talking so that I can hear myself. Sometimes it is hard. No, it is impossible to hear that one hand clapping. I tap to hear myself. Do you do that sometimes?

I hope that someday we could sit around the fire and have that conversation. I will not wait with bated breath though. I do not believe in fairy tales nor daydreams. Besides, I have to breathe and live in the real world. I will continue to do my tap dance on the keyboard.

Good night on this 15th night of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

BRAINS, THOUGHTS, WORDS

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It’s very strange. I’ve accidentally stumbled onto Suddenly Mad someone’s blog/journey through early-onset alzheimer’s. Her writing and artwork is phenomenal. It’s punctuated with many photographs. You would not know she has the disease except for the fact that’s what she talks about and how it has affected her. It took a little while for me to recognize that my writing is similar. I’m documenting my days and feelings. I’m trying to find solutions through writing. I also like to use a lot of photographs. I identified with her feelings of anxiety. And I wondered if I…

Today I read another woman’s blog, Which me am I today. She also has early-onset alzheimer’s. She has a book published. She was interviewed on CBC Listen. You would not know from her writing that she has alzheimers except that’s what she writes about – coherently and intelligently. Her relationship with typing sounds very much like mine. Her fingers can talk quite well. She also finds taking photos comforting. These give me another reason for pause.  Do I have the big A?

“When I type it’s a one way process; thoughts to fingers – often no noise, not having to be questioned and then type an answer…..just my fingers translating my thoughts into words.”

I could just laugh all this off BUT it sees so many people have some kind of dementia now. It’s enough incentive for me to be extra viligant and proactive about my brain health. The Cleveland Clinic Six Pillars of Brain Health looks like a good resource to check out. I’m sure there are many others. It is a start. I am ok in the physical and medical health department. Pretty good with  food and nutrition. I’m doing better with sleep and relaxation. I need to work on my mental fitness and social interaction.

 

GETTING IT ALL OUT

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It’s wise men who say don’t watch the news before bedtime. All the world’s tragedies flashed before your eyes in a matter of minutes. The gas explosion in a bakery in Paris, killing 3 people, the bus crash in Ottawa, killing 3, injurying 23. The story on where our plastic waste ends up (in Malaysia) sent me into despair and depression. I felt the ridiculous efforts of our recycling. I threw in my innocent and laughable hopes and went to bed.

All this is still with me this morning. No such luck as to sleeping it off. I feel depressed, down but not out – yet. I’ve fallen off  doing Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages. I’ve come here instead. Who says you have to write it out longhand with pen and paper? Tapping on the keyboard is an effective tool for me. Adding photos and videos satisfies some of that creative need in me. Doing all that defuses some of my negative feelings.

Talking about negative emotions, are they so bad? Is it shameful to admit we get depressed, disappointed and unhappy? Must we feel elated all the time? What about when bad things happen? It’s only normal that we feel ‘bad’. There are times when anger/whatever is the only logical and healthy reaction to have. I feel so confused when people put on a polite front. I feel such a failure in their presence.

At the same time I’m so sick of  hearing about wounds and healing. Are we all walking around ripped open and bleeding? I don’t mean to be insensitive. I am was/still is in woundology (Caroline Myss’s terminology) myself. Sometimes I DO hear myself (now). It’s time to change my tune.

I’ve gone on long enough. Talked and revealed too much. Time to shut up and say good night on day 13 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m feeling challenged.

 

HOW TO DO ANYTHING/NOTHING BETTER

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January 12, 2019  6:27 pm

These evening hours is really not a great time for me to come to the keyboard. My hands and fingers are tired and sore from the day’s work. My brain is grumpy and foggy. Have you ever tried to find your words  through a dense cloud of nothing? But I haven’t learned to do better yet. So here’s to another struggle on this January night.

I could give up. Who says I need to struggle – Malcolm Gladwell? Yup. He says that successful people spend thousands and thousands of hours honing their skill. Do I have that much time left in my life? I better not waste what I have left by complaining. I better keep tapping.

But really, I’m so frigging tired. I just want to do nothing. I could practice that for hours and hours!

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY

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January 11, 2019  6:45 pm

Life happens. Interruptions happen. Goals and intentions get redirected, altered or delayed. That’s how it always is. So why does it take me so long to see that? You know I like to dig to the root of things. But all I can find is a bunch of sayings about hindsight.

“It’s so difficult, isn’t it? To see what’s going on when you’re in the absolute middle of something? It’s only with hindsight we can see things for what they are.” 
― S.J. Watson

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, “I wish I had known this some time ago.”
― Roger Zelazny

“We go through the present blindfolded… Only later, when the blindfold is removed and we examine the past, do we realise what we’ve been through and understand what it means. ” 
― Milan Kundera

I guess the moral of the story is in Bob Marley’s word is, don’t worry, be happy. Everything is going to be alright.

It makes sense to me. I will not search for reasons any more tonight. Who knows what the morrow shall bring? I shall finish my glass of wine and be happy. Good night for this 11th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

MAKING AND TAKING TIME

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January 10, 2019  9:53 am

I’ve made very good time this morning. I set my timer to do my Morning Pages for 30 minutes and wrote long hand on whatever came into my mind. I got my 3 pages within that time. Problems and angsts are not a bad thing. They are fuel for thought and words on the page. The exercise is the DustBuster for my brain. It clears up all the nagging guilt, shoulds and coulds. Want to give it a try?

I have a chicken carcass souping in the Instant Pot. I’ve been feeling like hell in the mornings lately. Every inch of my body is stiff and hurting. I am taking time to resume my long abandoned qigong routine. Movement helps the aches. I’m just lazy and stupid not doing the practice. I have a couple of  Francesco Garripoli and Daisy Lee quigong DVDs. They’re beautifully done and easy to follow. 40 minutes is time well spent. Too bad they are no longer a couple.

6:37 pm

I’ve chipped away at my day. Doing in little blocks of time works best for me. The floors are vacuumed, the dishes done, the laundry washed and hung. I still feel hellish but if I give in to my aches and pain, the dog hairs will irk me and get into my head instead of staying on the floor. If the laundry is not done, someone will be missing their longjohns. It’s difficult and easy to throw them into the machine and push some buttons. I concentrate on the easy part. I think of how nice it is when we get home after our walk to a hot cuppa and a snack. And the walk was over and done. We got some exercise and alot of fresh air.

Now it’s time to say goodnight on this 10th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m not pleased with my writing but it’s the best I could do today. And I’m still here.

 

GOING TO EXERCISE AND NEVER BEFORE PLACES

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January 9, 2019  11:46 am

On this 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I am remembering my goal of change and renewal. Nine days into the new year and challenges, I’m feeling a bit sagging and tired. This morning I managed to write one page for my Morning Pages. I’m the better for doing them. I leave my angst on the pages. I don’t have to carry them, weighing me down the whole live long day.

I get good ideas while I’m pushing that pen across the page. But it does take up time. I’m feeling resentful about it. Rather than falling totally off my Morning Pages Wagon, I’ll set up the timer for 30 minutes to write them in the morning. I will stop when the timer goes off regardless of how many pages I wrote. I have to get out of the all or nothing mentality.

It’s a blistering cold day. The wind is wicked. Sheba and I braved it in our respective coats for out walk. I had my phone in my pocket, just in case. The other day, a rabbit ran in front of us. I had my phone. I had time. But I was frozen by surprise. Today I was frozen by the temperature and wind. I was covered by my hat and scarves. I could just see where I was going. Nothing jumped in front of me. I already have my video project done and up before venturing out. It will have to do. Have a look. I’m proud of my effort. It’s good to have a project and to work improving it daily.

10:58 pm

Egad! Look at the time. We had a supper invitation at a friend’s. He enjoys cooking and entertaining. We’ve been wined, dined and entertained. It was a fine evening complete with a little excitement of a passerby trying to rob our friend’s place while we were there. Now I’m trying to gather my wits to bring this post to a closure.

It has been a very fine day. We had an excellent exercise class this morning. The routine was completely new to us. It required more focus and concentration. We worked in increments of increasing difficulty. It was hard. It was challenging. I did what I thought I could not. It gave me confidence to try what I have not before. I want to close on that note. I want to have the courage to do new things, go new places, meet new place…till the end of my days.