A BEGINNING

Posted on June 19, 2014 by hafong

So many evenings when I am brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I see so many things that I ~~needed~~ wanted to do and hadn’t. I would vow to myself that I would do them tomorrow. Of course tomorrow never comes. I realize NOW is my tomorrow and it is time to do all those things.

It is not easy of course. Somehow, something ALWAYS come up and you want to say, maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. But after awhile you hear this echo. You have to stop and listen and ask yourself, How many times have I said that?

You hang your head in shame. Life is difficult. Life is messy. You are between a rock and a hard place. None of your options are palatable. You tremble in the unfairness of life. You wonder why God is testing you in this way.

I know for sure there is a reason why HE put me in this place. Because I have trust and faith in the unknown, I am able to breathe into the Universe and draw back strength to take a step forward. I am beginning a new journey.

RAINY DAY LAZIES

Posted on June 18, 2014 by hafong

It’s been raining on and off all day. It’s coming down hard as I speak, the rain spattering and running down the window. But it is one of those easeful, lazy kind of day. It is the kind that spells REST.

Sheba and I did go for our walk this morning. We both got dressed in our black rain gear and splashed our way through the puddles at leisure. What’s a little rain? The traffic around the neighbourhood was something else. With so many road detour blockage, our normally quiet side streets were abuzz with cars going every which way. Then a cyclist rode up behind us and rang his bell. Sheba did not like that! It was NOT relaxing.

I was not completely lazy. I managed a thing or two. I dusted my rock and seashell collection that I had brought back from Ghana. I listened to the music of Loreena McKennitt. I drank tea. Reading someone’s blog post on discovering your purpose and your calling, I discovered in that moment I didn’t want a purpose or a calling. I wanted just to live my life for myself. Would you call that selfish?

Selfish or not, I am elated that I have definite feelings about something. I’m not willy nilly after all. How wonderful that I’m not another sailor lost at sea. I have a sense of direction. Maybe that is what purpose is.

I did some filing and clearing of the desk, but somehow no matter how many pieces of paper I move, things didn’t look any better. But I remembered what Anne Lamott said about messes and clutter.

“But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived. Clutter is wonderfully fertile ground – you can still discover new treasures under all those piles, clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip. Tidiness suggests that something is as good as it’s going to get. Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breathe and move.”

And she is right! I am happily tapping away in my clutter, finding little nuggets in my piles.

LET MY SECRETS SET ME FREE

Posted on June 16, 2014 by hafong

The day is heavy with clouds. They press down on my shoulders with their weight much like the secrets in my heart. I inhale and exhale, shrugging my shoulders, throwing off unwanted burdens. Clouds, clouds, go away. Come back another day.

I had not known they were there – the secrets, till I felt their presence knotting up my heart. They demanded to be heard, to be reckoned with. I had no choice but to bring them out into the light of my consciousness.

I’m digging in my garden. With each weed that comes out, the knot is looser, the weight coming off little by little. I can breathe easier and I can see what I would not before. Life and gardens are like that. You can’t see the truth for all the weeds. You have to weed them out, however painful it is.

In the end, hard work will pay off and you will be awed by the fruits of your labour, however small they may be. God is always paying attention.

HOW DOES MY WRITING GROW

Posted on June 14, 2014 by hafong

Saturday is my favourite day of the week, even if it is raining. There is just something about a Saturday that can make me misty eyed on a day like this. And if is sunny, I want to jump for joy.

What better way to spend today than at a memoir writing workshop. I learned so much from Yvette Nolan on writing and why we write. Contrary to my belief that I would not be able to write a single word amidst a bunch of people, I found that it was easier. Maybe it was the camaraderie of our group and the skill of our facilitator.

I wrote like the dickens. I was secretly pumped. Feelings and secrets rose from their deep dark corners into my consciousness. I felt shame washing through me as I wrote. I did not want people to know my shame and secrets. I did not even want to know my own secret. It is SUCH a secret.

It is this washing out- the revealing of truths, that is so healing in memoir writing. I will have to be a little braver each day, develop my voice and allow it to speak its truth. I have to allow myself to be healed.

THE DENTIST – Friday Fictioneers

Posted on June 13, 2014 by hafong

It’s Friday and time for fiction of 100 words, hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

PHOTO PROMPT Copyright-Ted Strutz

She looked at the instruments lined up on the tray. They glistened in the light. How sharp their ends look! She quivered in the chair. Her mouth was dry. There was no need for paper apron around her neck.

She saw the wire mesh on the window. Beyond her boardinghouse the ferry sat. It will leave without her. She choked back a sob. The tears trickled down her face. She wiped them with the apron. She needed it after all.

He walked in, gloved and masked, and sat in front of her. She grabbed his hand.

“Will you hurt me?”

FERTILE GROUND

Posted on June 12, 2014 by hafong

The day is in glorious warmth and sunshine. A fresh breeze is coming in from my window. The air is alive with children’s voices and laughter from the daycare one house removed.

We are back from our morning bike ride, the three of us – the man on his recumbent trike, me on my upright trike and Sheba on foot. I have a couple of shots of us before we headed out.

It was a little harder managing my iPhone, bike and dog while in motion. It was a little tricky as you can tell by these shots. One handed Annie was not good with her aim!

We are back and I am tapping away on my keyboard in the midst of my usual clutter and mess. I have been reading Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird. I like what she says of clutter.

“But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived. Clutter is wonderfully fertile ground – you can still discover new treasures under all those piles, clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip. Tidiness suggests that something is as good as it’s going to get. Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breathe and move.”

Yesterday I had looked under some of my piles, cleaned a few things up. I found a couple of treasures. I held them in my hands and could not edit them out – yet. I filed them for the time being. It’s hard to erase myself.

I’m fixing things bit by bit. I am getting a grip. My feet are firmly on the ground, though my mind wanders from time to time. There’s always things to work on – piles to clear, words to write, stitches to ply, love to be had, God to thank…

TENDING MY GARDEN

Posted on June 10, 2014 by hafong

The rain is done, but the clouds and wind are still making their presence felt. I’m edgy with unease. Sheba is bugging the hell out of me with her demand to play. She’s a barker and quite vocal about her needs. Grrrr! Good thing someone has taken her outside.

I dispelled some of my distress this morning on my perennial beds. I dug, weeded, thinned and mulched. I still have a long way to go. But now, they at least have a definite shape and not just a jungle of greens.

The rains had made the ground soft and easier to work with. I guess God is looking after me in his infinitely wise ways. He smiled just now, beaming sunshine as I’m tapping away here.

The wind is still here. I like to think that it is God, breathing, sighing and whispering as he looks over his creation. I hope he is pleased with what I have accomplished. My raised beds are doing remarkably well for their first year. The kohlrabi and peas have grown with the rain. The onions, radishes, lettuce and kale are thriving. Then there are my tomatoes and peppers.

The main garden is coming along, too. Now we need some steady sun and serious heat for everything to come to their full potential.

RAINING IN SASKATOON

Posted on June 9, 2014 by hafong

It’s raining again. I am sitting here watching the rain and listening to its beat on the deck roof. And wherever I go, Sheba has to go, of course. She is happily listening along with me.

Two doors down, I can hear the children of the daycare blissfully playing in the rain. Their laughter and chatter fill the air. It is as it should be – spring, rain, the greening of the earth and the laughter of children.

Thunder rumbles. The children are gone. The rain stops and the sun comes out amid the clouds. How strange and wondrous nature and the weather have been. And equally, so is life. Nothing can be taken for granted.

EVERY DAY HAS ITS CLOUD

Posted on June 8, 2014 by hafong

The clouds can get to me. Their shifting shadows feel ominous, giving me a sense of impending doom. It feels as if someone is walking on my grave. I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. It never has.

I’ve learned to live with this holding my breath, waiting for the shoe to drop – waiting to wake up from my free fall through space and hitting the ground. I never have. And so, I’m braver now. I have wings and I can almost fly. No heavy landing for me, thank you very much.

Still, the clouds can make my heart skip a beat at times. But that is okay. I flutter my wings a bit to calm it and carry on. There’s early bike rides with Sheba trotting by my side. She needs someone ahead to chase after or else she digs her heels in and say, No! We ride when the sun shines or not. I feel like a postman.

The sun is shining now. It has been playing hide and seek with the clouds all day. I am playing along with both of them. Whatever works! The rain has made the ground nice and soft to dig. It is a good opportunity to clean up my much neglected and overgrown perennial beds.

I’m hoping they will look better in a month or two. Digging and clearing is good therapy. I’m cleaning my inner space along with my outer space.

FLICKERING LIGHT – Friday Fictioneers

Posted on June 6, 2014 by hafong

She lifted her gaze from the screen to the candles and sighed. She found him this time. He showed himself when it mattered. The candles flickered. She felt his pain and remorse.

“I am sorry”

The whisper traveled through the years and distance. It hung in the night air. Then it was gone. The candles went out. She was in the dark except for the glow from the computer screen.

She sat silent, motionless, stunned. Then she put her head and arms on the desk and wept. Relief and sadness swept through her. She was free at last.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Monthly Archives: June 2014