December 13. 8:30 am. -13℃ and dropping as the day progresses to a low of -21℃. It is as dark as can be. I am feeling amazingly well. I do generally feel better in the morning and my energy and spirit drop as the day progresses, much like today’s temperature. Anxiety starts to creep in between 4 and 5 o’clock. I’m taking advantage of this morning’s good fortune. So here I am, tapping away.
As you may have noticed, I am somewhat partial to Labrador Retrievers. They are beyond adorable. I’ve been saving their photos from Instagram, especially the puppies. This morning I got an itch to draw. Since I’ve signed up for a drawing class in January, I thought I would start practicing and do one every day. Here’s the first cutie pie.
Last week I found my sketch book of 100 day drawing challange. I don’t know why I stop drawing and doing blind contours. They look like so much fun and I thought they were pretty good. Here’s a sampling from the collection.
Now it is 10:20 am. Looks like the sun is a no show today. It’s still -13℃ and snowing. I’m sure the city set ski track in our neighbourhood park are covered. I will not venture out for my exercise. I will do my stretches, hula hoop and a few weights. I am very versatile. I’ve already gone up and down the stairs a few times this morning changing and laundering the bed linen. I’m killing 2 birds with one stone. Hopefully I’ve whittled my waistline a little and killed an ounce or two. A pound would be preferable.
December 12. How time flies away on me. I am late getting to the page. It is harder to get the conversation started. As usual I haven’t tended to all the clutter on dining room table or my desk. My problem is now like an ingrown toenail. It’s a hard fix. I will break the record and not say I will get to it tomorrow like I do every night.
Sometimes I can’t win for trying. In the last day or so, I’ve chipped my chip-resistant earthenware Mason Cash mixing bowl and broke a glass. I did the laundry today. I thought I had gone through all the pockets but apparently not. When I opened the washing machine and pulled out the first item, it was all spotted with little white tuffs. Then I found the messy wet kleenex inside the rubber rim along with a whole pile of yuck. After cleaning it out, I put the laundry through a speed cycle and then the dryer. That did the trick. Only a few white tuffs.
Sometimes life is like that. It is heavy. I try not to take it personally or seriously. Let’s get serious and real. Sometimes there are no shortcuts. Not everything can be done virtually. Somethings are physical, hard and takes time. Like this post. I get ideas and thoughts. Unfortunately, they don’t write themselves. I have to park my butt and tap it out, word by word. It would be better if I had a daily set time. Life and my moods get in the way. I do my best and come to the page whenever I can. Sometimes I don’t make it.
This December has been more difficult than others. This year I am more cluttered than others. I am even having difficulty sweeping everything off the dining room table into a box. Now I have 2 boxes added to the mix. How can that be! Well, life can be like that. I shan’t fret about it. I’m on top of the other stuff. I got my car serviced Friday. The laundry is done today. I baked 6 loaves of bread yesterday. Meals are cooked and dishes done. I shovelled snow for my parents today. I exercised every day. Went skiing Saturday and Sunday and to exercise class this morning. That’s a whole pile of stuff. I will try to sweep everything into boxes tomorrow.
December 9. It is 11:30 am and we’re at a balmy -6℃. I’m sipping a black decaf., hoping to curb my addiction to cream and sugar. I would like to drop a few pounds and an extra chin. I tend to sip quite a few cups of tea and coffee in a day. They’re like the cigarette I gave up a long time ago.
Every day is a new day. I like to start each one with new energy and a new out look. Not everything has to be hard, bad and sad. I can curve my droopy lips up into a smile. No one has to know it is fake. Fake it till you make it. It does make me feel more cheery. It is ok, too, if I can’t do it. There’s nothing more annoying to me than fake smiling lips pasted on someone’s face 24/7. Maybe we can be that cheerful all that time but it looks so unnatural to me.
My chili is warming up on the stove. The salads are made. Waiting for the mister to come home from his boat building garage. I hear his footsteps. Time to heat up some rice.
December 10. Intentions don’t mean beans when I don’t follow up with action. I had intentions of coming back to the page yesterday. I didn’t. Now it is another day. Almost supper time – 5:30 in the afternoon. It is -13℃. It’s been mostly sunny today. I chart the weather conditions so that I can analyze my moods and energy level to see if there is a link between the two. Knowing that, maybe I can offset or side step some of the dangers and hazards that may befall me.
For sure this morning’s ski gave me a boost in every department. I really wasn’t super keen in going to the Wildwood ski trail at the golf course. I ended last season feeling confident and pumped but it’s been over 9 months. Confidence has waned and doubts crawling in. The easier outside track is 2.2 km around with hills and valleys. Memories of struggling up one hill and falling down another invaded my thoughts. My stomach did little flip-flops enroute. It goes to show how strong our thoughts are and how they can affect our physiology.
To make a long story short, my apprehension was unwarranted. I scaled all the hills and fell down none. I had to work hard getting up one. If I had used the herringbone technique, it would have been a snap. Next time. At any rate, I’m developing strong arm muscles. I really had to dig in. I was determined not to slide down backwards and fall on my tootsie. It helped that I was the only one on the trail. I relaxed, took my time and a few photos. It was really ecstasy – the crisp morning air and the rising sun. I’ll let the photos paint the scene.
I’m wrapping it up here. I have no more words and thoughts except to say faking it through the darkness of December works for me. I’m taking it easier on myself, remembering that this is the slumber month. I can be a little bear like and crawl into my quilt for a few minutes or an hour. I can fake it till I make it.
December 6. Good evening. It is almost time to say good night. It’s still early enough. I have time to tap a few thoughts. Getting started is a bit tricky. We’ve just finished watching Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin in It’s Complicated, a romantic comedy. It’s very funny, entertaining and worth watching. An added bonus is Steve Martin. The night before, we watched him and John Candy in Planes, Trains and Automobiles – another comedy! That’s a record for me, 2 comedies back to back. They’re good for my mental health. I think that’s what I must do for this darkest month of the year.
Taking these 2 days off from my usual grind of exercise class, walks and skis have been good for me. It’s extremely cold today. The low was -37℃, the high -22℃. It’s a good day to stay home and huddle. I think I will take this whole week off. It can be a vacation, a retreat and a home spa. Who says you need to physically travel distances for it to be exciting and rewarding?
When it gets this cold, it is usually sunny. And so it was. The sunroom was so warm and beautiful in the morning, I couldn’t leave it. I just lounged and read. At times I felt I was wasting time. I endured it. The feeling passed and I started to feel like I was ‘getting back to normal’, that sense of normal when I wasn’t caught up in all the technology, of pushing ENTER and getting an immediate result. I felt I had time. I had time to think, observe and really feel all the things happening around me. I don’t want to push a button to get an immediate result. I want to do the work, one step at a time. It was a good feeling, not feeling squished, pushed for time.
December 8. It’s almost the supper hour, if the roast would cook faster. In the space of 2 days, our temperature has risen to -12℃ from -37℃. I wonder how our bodies process the rapid rise and fall of temperatures and barometric pressures. I know I am not a happy camper with the ups and downs. With the climate change we’re experiencing, I guess I can look forward to lots of ups and downs with my physical and mental well being this winter. My radar is on red alert. I am taking care and taking it easy on myself. No need to beat myself up. The weather is doing that for me. I don’t sleep as well some nights. I can feel my bones and joints hurting more. Then there’s my mood. It can turn on a dime. There’s nothing I can do about the weather but I can change myself. Now that I am so well acquainted with myself and the weather I am in control. Here’s what I do to stay sane and alive.
get fresh air and sunshine out of doors most days -walks/ski.
read.
write.
play the piano.
listen to music.
cook and bake.
do whatever makes me feel good.
There! I think that’s a pretty good list. I hope I am making sense. I find life extremely hard. I get a little wonky and down in the mouth sometimes. Depression is just a very small part of who I am. I am also made of anxiety, worry, joy, contentment, excitement….I am a kaleidscope of emotions. We all are. It’s all a matter of how to handle each and every one – and to accept them all and have no shame.
December 5. Good afternoon. It is another new and yet not so new day. I had a wonderful sleep last night. It was cold this morning at -27℃ but it is sunny and has warmed up to -23℃ at 2 pm. I have declared today for rest and relaxation. Therefore, I cancelled my exercise class upon getting out of bed. I’m foregoing my daily ski, too. I guess I am having a rant and a tantrum – a solo strike against myself. I’ve been thinking, a dangerous thing, you might say. But yes, I’m thinking that for all my efforts of trying and striving, I haven’t advanced a squat. Now it’s time to do different. I’m not ready to totally stop everything- forever. I am doing it for a day. I’m giving it a rest and giving my self a break. I’m going to pamper myself a little.
I was going for a walk but I think I will forgo it and soak in the tub. I don’t have any bubble bath to luxuriate in but I can substitute some epsom salt. I’m a practical girl at heart. But first a little culinary treat – ginseng coffee and a muffin and cheese to go with a few pages of John Grisham’s novel, Sooley. This book is different from his usual law and order. It is about basketball and Sudan. The pace is much slower. Therefore, I am slower too. I’m learning something new – basketall and Sudan. It’s all good. It’s getting me out of my usual rut.
I’ve been in the slow lane all day. It feels good enough to repeat tomorrow. I have nothing to rush to or about. Slow will help me get back to happiness. We all want that, don’t we? Instead of doing a gratitude list, I will do a Things I Did Today list instead. It is suggested by Esme Weijun Wang from her book, Rawness of Remembering: Journaling Through Difficult Times. I’m tempted to get the book but on second thought, aren’t I already doing it? So here goes my list.
Today I cancelled my morning exercise and it freed me from a set schedule.
Today I had a long soak in the tub with epsom salt and it relaxed and cleansed me.
Today I wrote this post. I’m keeping up with my commitment to write every day or almost every day.
Today I added more stuff to my pot of chili. Now I have prepared lunches for 4 days.
Dec. 4. Good evening. It’s another day. My happy feelings have disappeared, leaving me feeling like a hoax, a liar and a failure. However, I am here, showing up rain or shine, in good times and bad. I heard somewhere that feelings are not real but they sure can feel bad. I shall see if I can tap dance them away.
My weakness is that though I know better, I tread where I shouldn’t. I am a truth seeker. Being such it is hard to dance around the edges, hoping for the best and not wanting to know. Now that I know more, I am not feeling better for it. But so what? I’ll live and tomorrow will be a better day. There’s always consequences to any action we take.
It’s December. It’s the darkest month of the year. Christmas is 3 weeks away. People are shopping and decorating. I envy them their joy. Christmas has not worked for me for quite a few years now. I miss and grieve for the joy and reverence I once had. Moments like this, I miss Sheba the most. She was always next to me with her soft animal body.
I’m feeling a tad better now that I’ve cried onto the page. Feelings are deceptive sometimes. Maybe it is just my SAD (Season Affective Disorder) talking. Or maybe it is just the weather. We were having -30℃ weather a few days ago. Then today we had a balmy -3℃. If I can blame the weather or a disorder, I’ll take it. It’s better than blaming myself.
Life is just a little weird and wonky nowadays. I shouldn’t take everything so seriously. I should lighten up, relax and be a little wonky myself. I would probably feel better.
December 2. Good evening. It is another day. I am happy again. How it came about, I don’t know. I feel as if my heart got a gentle shower of energy and converted back into happiness rhythm. I am grateful. It pays not to give up and give in to my moods. I did not fight them but accepted them for whatever they are. I gave them their space for they are a part of me. Perhaps I need them to do better and be better than what I presently am. I can become static and dull with contentment.
My moods are my friends. Without them, I might not push myself outside for my daily ski. Movement and exercise calms my restlessness and irritability. They help me to sleep at night. No matter how cloudy or grey the day is, it is always brighter outside. Cross country skiing is just the ticket for me. It gets me out. Sheba used to do that before she went to dog heaven. I have many happy memories of us running and jumping for joy on the frozen river.
Now I have my ski in the park instead. I seem to thrive in the cold. l’m out most days. I was out today in – 25℃. It did not feel cold. Instead I felt pumped, breaking trail again through fresh fallen snow. I am challenged and excited learning a new physical skill. I’m getting better and stronger, making a straighter track. I went once around the park, twice around, then three. It was just me, the trees and the snow. It was quiet and serene. It was heaven.
November 29. Good morning. It’s another new day. I’m irked, dissatisfied, restless and a bit anxious. I don’t want it to spill onto my nice blank page. Instead, let me begin with my gratitudes.
I am grateful that the sun is shining over my right shoulder just now.
I am grateful that I got turkey soup cooking in the Instant Pot. I am taking in its nourishing aroma.
I am grateful for my encounter with my mother’s neighbour yesterday while I was there shovelling. We had a nice little conversation about our families. It made me feel that it is possible to have neighbours who are kind and courteous, that we can share a conversation without a shouting match.
I am grateful that I have this page to unload my emotions, good and bad upon. It loosens up all the thoughts whirling in my head. I can then empty the toxic ones so that I can move on with my day.
I am not very skill or agile with moving on. I stutter, stumble and repeat my errors like a broken record player playing the same track over and over. I am trying hard to push and hurdle over those stuck places. If I am persistent, try hard and often enough, one day I will succeed and just leap over the obstacles. I am experiencing that phenomenon with practicing scales on the piano. What was so difficult at first became a little easier each time I practice. Then all of a sudden it seems, my fingers knew instinctively where to go. Of course it was not all of a sudden. It took many hours of practice.
November 30. Good afternoon. It is another day and my page is not so blank. How quickly time and the day gets away on me when I am not centered and without a plan. I am easily distracted with stuff even though I have no need. And more time is wasted on being distressed by my weakness. I have to let it go. I cannot get the time already spent back. I am having trouble pushing through my hurdles. Do I need to lower the bar a bit or leap a little higher? Which way should I go? I’ve been in this race for a long time. I’m not getting any younger. I cannot afford baby steps. I hate that term – baby steps, don’t you? I am not a baby. I need to stop whining and treading water. If I can’t make a giant step forward, I can break it down to bold steady steps onward. Stop the crying and excuses. Let’s go!
November 26. Another good morning. Another new day and blank page. The sun is smiling on me through the windows of my sunroom. I am surrounded by my clutter. That hasn’t changed. Perhaps I should not focus my thoughts on the clutter so much. More focus seem to have resulted in more chaos. It is a perplexing paradox. I shall set it aside for consideration in my spare idle moments.
I am not as gleeful as I want or could be. Perhaps I should do something about it. The sun is out. I should go for a walk and return some books to the library. Fresh air and exercise could resuscitate my drooping spirit. I am torn though between that and tapping out more words here. But the sun is winning. I shall walk while the sun shines. My words can wait. I might have to work to dig them out later. It is the price I can afford.
November 27. And so it is another new day. I never came back to the page after my walk yesterday. It was a longer walk than I had anticipated or remembered. It went on and on forever before I got to the library. My books felt heavier with every step. However, it was very worth it, being such a beautiful sunny day. I was mesmerized by the loveliness of trees in winter, their arms bared of summer leaves, twisting and reaching up to the sky.
I was so happy to discover the library was opened when I finally arrived. Other times they were not opened or did not open till noon on the weekend. They had provisions for returning books through a slot. I was not concerned about that though. I was in need of a sit down and rest before making my way back home. It was wonderful to rest in the sunny sitting room. Finding another John Grisham novel, Sooley was an added bonus.
Today I am not so fortunate. There is no sun but I am lucky that I have my own sitting room, much like the one in the library though smaller. I’m always surrounded by light. Some days are brighter than others and I am grateful for any and all the light I get. I have to count my blessings however small they are some days. Today I am:
grateful that my heart is open to receiving.
grateful for my sunroom.
grateful for being in the centre of 3 city libraries.
November 24. Good morning/afternoon. It’s another new day, another blank page. The day is not quite so new or clean any more. It is almost noon. I’m having my second cup of tea after my morning exercise class. I’m trying to reset and clear my mind of negative thoughts and feelings that have crept in. I wonder how that happened when nothing has happened at all. I wonder if I can dust and sweep them out. They are not strangers to me. I am not so frighten of them any more. I have accepted and made peace with them. They are all parts of me – the good, bad and ugly. Rumi’s poem, The Guest House says it well.
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Today I am working on Pages in my iCloud on iMac. I had lost it along with Numbers and Keynotes when I did an update of my IOS. It was very upsetting at the time but after much wasted energy and needless stress, I somehow got them on iCloud. Lesson learned – things don’t stay broken. When things break or fall apart, it forces me to change, to search for different/better ways of being/doing. I can look at it as the silver lining of a bad situation.
I’m reminded of Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. We are deep in those difficult times now. It should not be a surprise that I have some anxiety and other bad feelings. I have the book. I should read it. It does me no good sitting on the shelf. And on this note, I shall close up with my gratitude list.
I am grateful I have the love of words and books.
I am grateful I have rediscovered my love of music and spending time each day to listen to my library.
I am grateful to have found Jodie Picoult’s Sing You Home in the library. It’s about music therapy, hence leading me to my music collection.
onethousandandtwo 
