Tag Archives: the Ultimate Blog Challenge

DAY 27 UBC – BE INSPIRED

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Be Inspired

I’m counting the days, 4 more days after today till the end of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I don’t sound very inspiring, do I? It is the time of day. I’m tired. I sound like a lot of my nursing colleagues doing the count down to their retirement. I never did that. I enjoyed working. Now that I’m retired, I don’t miss working at all. I guess it’s my motto. Enjoy whatever you are doing. Enjoy wherever in the world or whatever stage of life you’re in. Change whatever you are not having a good time at. If you don’t, don’t tell me about it.

Somehow I was inspired to go for an early swim this morning. I set my alarm for 6:15 am. I woke on my own at 5:45 and made it to the pool at 6:30. I had contemplated a cuppa tea before hand but talked myself out of it. It’s one of my procrastination ploys. A cuppa could lead me to comfort and nesting. Before I would know it, I would push that cancel button on the app. So I picked up my packed swim bag and headed out in the dark of the morning. I was surprised to see that it was still dark going to my car after my swim.

The parking lot looked so pretty with the spruce trees and street lamps. It looked almost holy and Christmassy. I almost want to break out in song. I felt fist pumping good. I was glad to make the early bird effort. The pool was busy and I met a couple of new ladies. They were inspiring. They were fast, swimming around me. One announced that she got her 30 lengths in shortly after I got there. I went WOW! She swims every day and looked older than me. I was super impressed.

In this Covid time, it is good to keep fit physically and mentally. Everyone has to weigh the risks and benefits of going to the gym or pool. I feel very safe at our YWCA. It has a weight room, gym and a pool. I trust the staff and the clientele. We take care to keep ourselves and each other safe. For those who are not comfortable to attend in person, there’s virtual classes. Then there’s always the great outdoors. Just put your shoes on and go for a walk.

DAY 25 UBC – HOW DOES ONE REST AND HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER DO WE NEED?

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How Much Toilet Paper Do We Need?

Sunday, a day of rest. It’s what I hope for. But how does a person actually rest? In my younger days, I used to sleep in, sometimes after 10 am. When I’m up, I linger over my toast and tea, listening to CBC radio. In the afternoon, there’s Oprah and soaps. In the evening there’s Law and Order, Criminal Minds, etc. I seem to thrive on crime shows and books. Somehow they relax me and chase away the blues if they’re visiting.

Now if I awake after 7, I consider it late. Lately, not having Sheba as an alarm clock and my blackout curtains, I’ve been sleeping in till 7. It feels late and wasteful. I still linger over my first cup of tea but I do not know how to sit with nothing after breakfast. I was still fussing about the non-existence of toilet paper of any brand at Costco the other day. Are we into scarcity and hoarding again? I was really irked, especially at myself for not thinking and planning ahead.

We’ve had a pretty good summer, Covid and otherwise. We weathered the first part of if well, too. So why are we doing this again? It’s like an avalanche. I can see and understand how it can happen. One or two people starts. Then another and another. Well, I better stock up or there won’t be any left. It’s the stuff of the not-good-kind of herd mentality. And I’ve caught the bug, too. I needed something to do after breakfast. I went to the Costco’s online site. There’s still some toilet paper and paper towels available. It’s good that they set a limit of one per customer. So I ordered one kind of toilet paper for ourselves and a different kind for my parents. To offset the delivery I added paper towels and maple syrup to my order.

I am paying a little more than in person shopping. It’s worth it not having to trudge from one place to another to see who has toilet paper. And it’s delivery right to the door. No need of huffing and puffing, lugging awkward large packages into the car, then out of the car into the house. Now that I got that out of my system, maybe I can figure out how to rest.

DAY 19 UBC – COME TO THE TABLE

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Come to the Table

There are indeed so many things to do, some that are needed and some that I want to do. There is really no time to be maudlin. I have to remind myself that the next time I get the blues. I know that right in the moment of those feelings, it is difficult to rise above it. Then I have to remind myself it’s okay. I’m just being human. I can have a rainy day to rest from the sun. Not all days are equal. We need the sun and we need the rain equally.

I’m sitting here, late in the day again, tapping out another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have no idea of what to write until I come to the table and begin. That is my biggest tool in life – to come to the table and start. I have to show up and make a move, however small it is. I think I outdid myself. It’s one of my best days in a long time. The Challenge is working, helping me change the way I talk. I’m finding positives instead of griping about the negatives all the time.

D0 you know that birds change their tunes? Apparently the male Savannah sparrows are changing their songs to attract ‘the ladies’. They are singing different songs than their ancestors did 30 years ago. If they can change their tunes, so can I. It’s not going to happen overnight. It will take some doing. I will take it one day at a time. I stumbled already today. I felt terrible over my misstep and berated myself. I gave myself a talk and forgave me for being human. That’s how it’s going to be.

This morning I had no idea of what to make for lunch. It’s such a headache sometimes especially when the larder is scant. Then I remembered we have some ham with a bone left. Why don’t I make soup? There’s some limp celery in the fridge. The ham triggered thoughts of pork and beans. I can taste it with the thought. We have Swedish beans, carrots and onions we grew ourselves. Then the guy harvested some of our Jerusalem artichokes. Well, guess what? I had a whole Instant Pot full of good stuff. It made a delicious soup served over rice noodles.

All this reminds me that when we think we are scraping the bottom of the barrel, it is not true. We have a lot of stuff in us to take us where we want to go. I’m almost scraping the bottom now. I’ve done lots besides making soup. I planted the garlic and mulched them. Hope it’s not too late. Then there are the perennial beds that needed to be put to bed. Our daytime temperatures are now in the minuses. Now it is time to say good night and God bless.

Day 2 Ultimate Blog Challenge – The Pleasure of Showing up

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Oct 2/2020

The Pleasure of Showing Up

So here it is, the 2nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m eager to start my day. I’m ready to put the pedal to the metal and wham! I’m faced with an obstacle, a huge stumbling block. WordPress has changed – with no instructions. Egad! Life is like that. This is art imitating life. I best just get on with it and tap. I’m here. Let me enjoy the experience of trial and error. It’s what I’m good at – tapping without instructions.

I’m a little disconcerted at the moment. It might take me a little to get this post together. I’m faced with a big blank page without all those gizzmo. There are no sidebars. It’s like swimming in the ocean. No edge of the pool to hang on to in case of drowning. But I’ve uploaded a cover photo. I like it. I can write on it. I can move it to left, right or middle. So far I haven’t figured out how to resize it. No matter. It looks good. I can go like this for the whole month. And sometimes the things you need just pop out at you in the moment. I’ve just found where the word count is clicking on the i with a circle around it. Life can be fun and informative if you show up.

I have this motto: No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. I borrowed it from Regina Brett. It’s a pretty good one and she is a pretty neat lady. Wow, I found how to add a link on this new WordPress thing-a-ma-jig! Now if I can figure out how to add tags, everything else would be a bonus. But carrying on, showing up is a big thing. Many times I’ve been present in body but not mind. I’m sure I’ve missed many moments but I’m not going to cry over spilt milk. Let me start from this moment, to be in the moment and appreciate what I have.

I love my early morning moments when the rest of the world is still asleep. I see my world through a clearer lens. The other morning I saw and felt the pleasure of my surroundings. I saw the sunlight playing on the wall and floor. I could see from my place in the sunroom – the dining room and all the way to the livingroom. I was fully present in the moment. It felt magical.

I think I have had enough fun for now. It is very cool, this new WordPress. I’ve discovered how to resize photos and where to add tags. I better quit while I’m ahead. I’ll be back for more fun tomorrow.

SUCCESSES AND FAILURES

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I’ve never given much thought to the meaning of the dog days of summer. Given to the context of how I hear it used and how it sounded, they meant summer time when you can see the heat sizzling from the pavement. The phrase always summon up images and memories of that summer in New York City. I can still see the steaming sidewalks, hear the rat-tat-tat of jackhammers, sirens, the crowded streets of  Canal and Mott Streets. I can still feel the loneliness of summer in the city.

I still struggle with the dog days of summer. I still struggle with life. There’s no easy way about it. Everything takes effort. I like to think that effort makes it worthwhile. But I’m simply justifying, explaining and maybe apologizing for my lack of skills and successess. I do feel like such a failure sometimes. What do I really have to show for these years of hard effort? Ok, I have:

  • A nursing career. Nothing spectular but 30 years of rotating shift work. No nurse of the year award but have caused no harm.
  • No husband. No children. A companion of 10 years.
  • No wealth. A good pension. Nice house with garage and yard. No debts.
  • Not the most popular gal in town. Have a few good friends. I can count them all on one hand. One bad neighbour.
  • Experienced unconditional love for almost 14 years. I’m talking about my fur baby, Sheba. She’s in heaven now.
  • Ignited a couple of old passions – my paints and sewing machine.

Perhaps I am not doing as bad as I thought. I have a few good things. When those dog days come, all I can see and feel are my dark side and failures. It helps to make a list of : successes and failures, pros and cons, places I’ve been, things done, etc. Then tally up the score to see the results. I had meant to show up every day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge but the dog days got the better of me. Total counting today, I’ve shown up for 17 days. It’s a little more than 50%. But I did complete the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I painted 62 index cards for June and July – one extra.

Did I reach the goal I set for this challenge? I think I have. Right in the moment I’m not exactly jumping up and down with glee and excitement. I feel somewhat sedate and at ease. I’m satisfied in the now. I have no wants. I am at peace – even with my badassed neighbour. Perhaps she is getting help with her mental health. Perhaps there is hope. I’m not all about struggles. I’m not all about depression. I have those treasured moments of seeing dust motes in sunbeams. I have the ability to see beauty and feel joy.

So ends another Ultimate Blog Challenge. Hope to show up more next time around.

LIFE CAN GET BETTER THAN THIS

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Someone once said, Life doesn’t get any better than this. Now, in this very minute, I’m saying it, too. It’s summer time and the living is easy. I’m sitting in front of the herb spiral, sipping tea, eating cherries and tapping on the keyboard. Soon the sun will chase me into another shady spot. Let me see if I can set up my old patio umbrella. It’s been mostly sitting in the garage gathering dust all these years. I’ve only used it to give Sheba some shade in her dog run when she was a puppy, the run she’s hardly used. It’s been converted into the guy’s bicycle shed long since.

It didn’t take long to find the umbrella and the base. Took a bit of sweat to set up. I filled the base with water to give it some weight. It didn’t work. It needed to be in the center of a table to prevent it from tipping over. My table does not have a hole anywhere. What and how to do? I lugged the set up behind the bench. It tipped and leaned against the bench. Perfect! Except I didn’t expect it to tip sideways. Good thing I wasn’t sitting underneath it at the time. So much for my effort. Just dust and sweat but nothing ventured, nothing gained. I will have to wait till the sailor gets home to figure something out.

I’m chased indoors. The sun kept playing peekaboo. It was too exasperating.

Afternoons are not my best. Everything goes south. I am tired and disorganized. It’s when the cluttering happens. I’m incapable of putting things away. I throw and toss things in where they fit. I pay for it eventually – like last evening. The ice cream was calling me earlier than usual. A good thing because the fridge freezer was covered in hoar frost. I had my ice cream first before I could tackle the icy mess. It had occurred to me that I could be creating disaster for myself by my mindless tossing things in, cramming when necessary.

No harm done except loss of time and energy. I have learned from it. Mornings are my best times when my mind is more quiet and I can think clearer. Best to use it to plan, prioritize and make lists of what and when to do them. So today is the first day of the rest of my life. It’s morning again. I’m sitting in the morning shade, in front of my little monk again. There’s a lovely breeze blowing. There’s children’s laughter from the daycare. There’s the sound of traffic.

Things almost feel normal again but would I want that normal back? I don’t think so, even if it is possible. I’m learning to be peaceful with things as they evolve and as they are. Though I still shed tears over Sheba, I am at peace with her passing. I am comfortable with her physical absence. She is with me in my heart. As for the woman next door, I am learning to disengage from her energy. She has a disorder, I don’t. It isn’t about me.

So ends another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t shown up every day though I try. I try not to be rigid and fixated on being perfect. That’s something I learned from the woman next door – her fixation on a weedless yard and perfectly clean driveway. Yesterday she was out with her leaf blower, blowing whatever she has on her driveway, sidewalk and even the sidewalk of the next house. There were some workmen tearing down the old siding. She even blew under their truck parked on their driveway. What I felt was sadness for her.

AFTER A BEER

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I was riding the giddy ride of a beer a short while ago. Alas, it was a short ride. One pee and it was gone. I’m back to my normal self. It was nice while it lasted. I felt so loose and relaxed, all tension gone from my body. I felt smooth and fluid. All my movements easy and unfelt. I painted 2 index cards for the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. Now I’m only 6 days behind.

I wish that I could be this carefree more often. For this short time, I had let go of my most serious angst. I let go of other people’s stuff and responsibilities. I wonder if I could do so more without the aid of alcohol. I will savour the feeling, tasting it with all my being. I will remember the sensation for the next time that I’m impinged with guilt and bad feelings. I will tell it to fuck off. Talking big, aren’t I? I call it talking proper. I’ve beaten myself down too much in the past. Time to kick ass.

It’s good to assume some bravado. I’m so sick of saying ‘excuse me’, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘that was ok, wasn’t it?’ I worry so much about saying a hurtful thing, breaking the law. Really I feel guilty, like a criminal. My neighbour can read me like a book. She knows exactly how to get to me, quoting bylaws, telling me she knows alot of people at city hall and the police department. That’s why she has been so successful at getting under my skin.

Hmmm. I’m getting too serious again. I’m getting obsessed with her again. Not to worry. I will be having a glass of wine soon. Don’t worry. I won’t turn into an alcoholic. One glass can do me in. So ends another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

CRAZY

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What I know for sure is thoughts can drive you crazy. I have been a bit crazed these last couple of days. Round and round they go like in a mix master. They are well blended now – all in a gooey mess. I’ve been driven slightly mad with it all. That’s why I come to this place to tap out the letters, words, thoughts. It soothes me, slows down the mad rush of emotions swirling within. Maybe I can sort them out one by one. Maybe I can make sense of everything and save my sanity.

The police liason officer have met with me and the woman next door. This is our second such meeting. The first time was last fall. At the time the officer knew that he would have to come back again. It’s too bad that he’s away on leave. But the second officer was equally capable and sometimes it’s good to have a different set of eyes. He got back to me yesterday after his meeting with the neighbour. He sounded surprised that she seemed quite mentally disturbed. I felt a bit ‘amused’ for lack of a better word. Perhaps, after 12 years of experiencing her, I’m finding her disturbness ‘normal’ but she’s just difficult.

At the time of our conversation, I had somewhat recovered my composure. His visit the day before had stirred up alot of unpleasant emotions, of anger and helplessness. And that was what I expressed – my anger, frustrations and feelings of helplessness. Because in the end, all this is about nothing. He understood. He agrees it was nothing, that he spent 15 minutes talking to her. She showed him weeds where there were none. She showed him her messy driveway from our one pine needle on it. He was shocked by the things that bothered her. She took him to her backyard to show our mess between the fence and garage. He didn’t see any mess.

But in the end, as I already knew, there’s really nothing to be done. They could arrest and charge her for throwing rocks at me and tearing my signs down. But it would not be appropriate or fair because she has mental health issues. I agree. I don’t want her jailed either, but it is also not fair to me to have this person harassing me all the time. He also agrees and emphasized how strange she is and how very fixated she is on my yard. I already knew that. She is also very fixated on me.

I do not like it one bit that it is still I, who has to do the accommodating because of her mental state. I suggested that she should get some counselling. He agreed and said maybe medications.  He would call her or pay her another visit. He also suggest that I ignore her and let her mess in those 6 inches along her driveway. I informed him that’s what I have done for 12 years and it hasn’t work. She pushes the envelope way beyond.  I suggest that when he sees her, to measure out the 6 inches with her. We both agreed that this is really not about boundaries. It’s about everything and nothing. I did not tell him that I think she’s playing up her mental health thing with him. She is very smart and clever in these ways. All the same, I wouldn’t say she got all her marbles.

There I have it. Something and nothing. It’s the something about nothing that drives me crazy. But I’ve dumped it all out on the page. I’ve inhaled and exhaled. I’ve done my best. I’m letting it go – again. I will let the drama play itself out. The case is closed until the next time. And I know there will be a next time. Oh, the drama on Preston Ave. is fodder for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I should be grateful, eh?

ROY ROGERS AND TRIGGER

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A beautiful Sunday morning. My mind is in a bit of a tizzy with a messy floating list of things to do. I did not take time for my meditation. I thought I would save time. I slept in a little later than my usual 6 am. I was rewatching Schindler’s List on Netflix last night. Each time I watch a movie about the Holocaust, I’m more horrified by the evil and cruelty we human beings are capable of. In Schindler’s List, both the evil and the good are shown. Oskar Schindler was a flawed man, but the war brought out the hero in him. I needed to see that it is possible.

I’m trying my best not to be triggered by the woman next door. It is damn hard. I’ve just looked up from my tapping and what do I see? Her man friend from across the street up her tree, the one who helps her with her nastiness. He wasn’t that way before he hooked up with her. He used to smile and wave at Sheba and me on our walks. So I take a deep breath, releasing my own bad energy. I need to focus on my own power, confidence and boundaries. I close my blinds.

Of course when you try to avoid something, it becomes all that much harder. I’ve been to the store and back, to my mother’s and back. I’m watering and weeding my raised beds in the front. I see that she has watered those little spruce trees she planted right next to my raised bed – 9 inches from her driveway. Who does that? I’m triggered again. I’m pissed. I gave them a few squirts of water myself. I hope that they will grow huge, over her precious driveway, scratching her car. I know that’s not the right way to feel or to think. But I am a flawed woman. I try to get the triggers out of my mind. Roy Rogers and his horse, Trigger came to mind. I will try to hold that in my mind’s eye when I encounter that woman. It is a much better picture. I can learn to be heroic like Oskar Schindler. Maybe just a little.

So ends day 4 for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Still a day behind. Heavy big sigh.

 

THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH

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Morning has broken. Another beautiful Saturday morning. No, I cannot go for my regular Saturday swim at the YWCA yet. Convid-19 still dictates on what we can and cannot do. But in a few minutes, I can do a yoga session on Zoom. I will let you know how it goes. And I do not have my Sheba at my feet any more. She is all around me. I am more at ease with her physical bodily absence. I still tear up at the thought. She is still my baby. It’s 7 weeks since she’s left. Yes, I’m still counting.

I am enjoying my sip of tea between key taps. I still show up because it is what I do. It is my mental health practice. Sometimes I am too tired, like yesterday. It has been exhausting experiencing the narcissistic, psychopathic woman next door. And it is very next. My kitchen window looks right onto backdoor and her driveway. I am often triggered just seeing her, especially when she is tripping back and forth across the street to the man who helps her interfering in our yard. I am dedicating this month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge to work my way out of losing my energy and power to her. I do not expect her to change, but I can. I found one helpful source this morning.

The power lies in me. I already know that. I want to stop explaining, explaining and trying to proof the truth of my words. In the end I can do more damage to myself. There’s much truth in the phrase, “The lady doth protes too much, methinks.”

The Zoom yoga class was a bust. It was my first one. I’m not familiar with the instructor and I’m as stiff as can be! I’m not in love with it. I’m better off with my qigong or Yoga with Adriene on YouTube. Nothing ventured nothing gain. Now I better move my butt and go for my bike ride. Get some sun and serotonin. Change my brain, change my life. Maybe I can come back later and catch up. I’m a day behind this Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m a over a week behind Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day. I have no time to be maudlin.