THE BEST AND THE WORSE DAYS OF 2021

Posted on January 4, 2022 by hafong

January 4th, Day 4 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, Day 3 of the Positivity Challenge. It has been a challenging day. My positivity assignment was a date watching the sunrise or sunset. No phones. No devices. Just me and mother nature. The sunrise was rather bland as no sun came up. All I saw was the grey of the sky lightened by the white of snow everywhere. I thought I could kill 2 birds with one stone shovelling snow while watching. I was out in nature. Would you call a shovel a device?

The questions from the Unravelling My Year are:

What was the best day in 2021? What happened?
What was the most difficult day in 2021? What happened?

The questions are hard to answer. My 2021 was peaceful and tranquil. That is my thought at this moment. Of course I’m sitting here with a glass of red wine. What I know for sure is there were difficult moments but after they have passed, the difficult part is forgotten. What else I know for sure is I have grown stronger and more resilient with the years. I am a fighter. I do not dwell in darkness. I always fight my way into the light. I have always love winter, the cold and the snow. I love the darkness, too. It is a part of me. Sometimes the worse of times is my best of times. It drives me to create.

The Worse of Times

Doubt often creeps in
On fatigue’s uncertain feet,
Filling me with fear.
And I would have to reach
Deep into Faith’s pocket for trust,
And remember that often,
My worst of times are
The best of times.

Unbound Joy

Unbound joy, a girl and her dog,
Walking and running on the river,
Each lost in thought and dream,
Content, just being with the Universe.

God’s Land

Frozen expanse under blue skies,
My footprints in the snow.
Overhead a plane soars
On its way to Elsewhere.
I hear God’s voice calming me,
Shhhhhhhh!
All is bright, all will be right,
In God’s land we abide.

Free Spirits

Jumping for joy
on the river of life,
Naked in our happiness,
baring our souls.
Leaping and laughing,
free spirits in the wind.

WHAT SURPRISED ME IN 2021

Posted on January 3, 2022 by hafong

It’s day 3 of the new year and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m feeling tired and not the least bit eager, wanting to show up here. I’m doing it anyways. In the same manner, I did #2 assignment for the 30-Day Positivity Challenge. It helps to have a plan and goals for the day/month. It’s my to-do list for difficult to navigate times. I’m up and down with the fluctuating temperatures. I’m temperamental and over sensitive to noise and clutter. Everything sounds loud and like fingernails on chalk board. Everything looks messy.

Perhaps it is a good day to do some clearing – of things and thoughts. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I do not have to do super feats. I can do/write in what Anne Lamott calls ‘bird by bird‘ or in one minute picture frames. I like to use the log cabin quilt square as a reference. I built it log by log. It’s not intimidating at all when you look at it that way. Now I just have to put the 100 squares I built together, block by block to make a quilt. I am a person who cannot see/do the whole picture at once. If I try, I get overwhelmed and discouraged to make even a start.

I now have picked up and rid a few things off the dining room table. I have found homes for them. Next – to work on a question or two in Unravel My Year workbook. They are not easy. The answers don’t jump out of me. What surprised me in 2021? Hmmm, let me see. Nothing obvious at first, but I suppose the fact that I could plant tomatoes, scarlet runner beans and cucumbers in the greenhouse in early March was a feat. Some died but most lived to give us an abundance of food. I had a large harvest of pumpkins in the fall. I was surprised that I love them as a vegetable to stir fry, stew, curry and soup with, besides making them in pies, muffins and cookies. Trying new things bring the best surprises. I am surprised, too, that I am enjoying these cold months relaxing, not thinking of gardening at all.

Some surprises are subtle and startling at the same time. They are like blows because they come out of nowhere and yet they’ve been there all the time. It’s just me, not seeing how I don’t value myself in so many small and big ways. That is till one day I woke up and saw how I was abusing myself and therefore, allowing others to do the same. I never set any boundaries or made any demands of others how I want to be treated. I forfeited myself to please others. My waking up was the biggest surprise of 2021. I’m still reeling and sitting with it, digesting and feeling into how I will change with the knowledge.

It has started to blow and snow outside – a bit of winter wonderland when you’re not out in it. I am glad we had our ski this morning. That is another surprise. I am not at all athletic but I love the activity so much. Who would have thought? So even if you don’t think you like something and don’t feel like trying it out, do it anyways. You might get a very nice surprise.

FOCUS AND COURAGE

Posted on January 2, 2022 by hafong

January 2, second day of the new year, second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and first day of the 30-Day Positivity Challenge. My word for this year is FOCUS but already I’m feeling iffy, wishy-washy and a bit cranky this morning. I could blame it on the weather. I woke up to -20℃ instead of -35℃. It should be a cause for celebration instead of a case of grouchiness and moodiness. But it is what it is. I will just have to focus and move on with the day and this post.

It’s a good thing I have this writing space and challenges to work on. I’ve had this space since 2012 when blogging was new and a rage. I started out on Blogger in 2005. It was a struggle getting things to work but I managed to get some photos and a few words up. It did not have too much of a public presence. I then moved on to WordPress. I found it much easier to work with. It took a year or two before anyone noticed me. It didn’t really matter because I had no business to promote. Writing is pleasure and therapy for me. I love the rhythm of tapping on the keyboard and seeing the letters march across the screen.

It is not so at this moment. There is a stickiness and lack of rhythm. There is no flow. I have to work getting the words out. I’ve done the Positivity activity of the day. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I love you” a few times already. I don’t feel it. Rather, I feel irked. I don’t feel love but I said it anyways. I hope to reap the benefits eventually. Nothing happens that fast, right? I have to make being positive a habit first.

I’m considering the next 2 questions in my Unravel My Year workbook. 1) When did fear hold you back in 2021? 2) Where did you practice courage in 2021? I can’t say that anything held me back last year. When there was no fear, courage wasn’t called upon. Now if we were talking about 2020, there was alot of anxiety and challenges. Covid-19 came into our lives in early 2020. My 90 year old mother came down with shingles February 2020 right in the midst of lockdowns. I was busy taking her to appointments and worried about her pain, eyes and medications, I had no time for fear. That period lasted almost 4 months. Then I lost my fur baby Sheba. We were still in lockdown and I could not be with her at her time of passing. That was hard.

Sitting where I am now, life is pretty good. I may be feeling a little tired and moody, but it is still all good. I hear so many people say that Covid has made everything so hard. It is true but life have always been hard. If it is not one thing, it is another.

UNRAVEL MY YEAR

Posted on January 1, 2022 by hafong

Happy New Year! January 1, 2022 and day 1 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We are having bitterly cold temperatures. It’s conducive to be here in my sunroom, sipping a hot one and tapping on the keyboard. My goal is to show up every day with a post for the month of January. Each year I download Susannah Conway’s workbook, Unravel Your Year, but I’ve seldom finish it. I thought it might be a good project for the January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be killing two birds with one stone.

It has always been rather easy for me to relapse, to fall back into what was. If I am not careful and if I am not in the moment, I could dwell there for a long time. I have more focus now. I’ve relapsed only momentarily, maybe it was a day or two. I’ve climbed out, not savouring living the old, used and not useful. I saw the draw and the harm of it all. I decided that it was not for me any more. I don’t have to stay in the what was. I can make a new beginning. I can start, have a middle and an end.

I’m setting up for my beginning, the first day of the rest of my life. Did I say it’s cold? It is – minus 35℃. It’s good to cuddle up in a warm sweater and with a cup of Ovaltine. It is a good to just sit with it all and watch it like a movie as it plays across the screen of my mind. It’s coming out blank though, with white noise. I cannot remember anything. I will have to access my recorded photographs and watch them as a slide show. Perhaps I can put on Jim Croce’s Photographs and Memories as background music. I will wait for my mind’s eye to warm up.

Last year I did not have to word to guide me. No wonder I have no immediate recollections. I chose FOCUS to help me with 2022. With focus life will be easier. It will help me to find the heart to carry on and finish what I start. Looking back through my photographs and what memories I have of the year past, I spent the winter learning how to cross country ski. We were out almost every day. I slipped, stumbled and fell – uphill, downhill and on flat terrain. I learned that for some things, I don’t give up easily. It was like that for swimming and riding a bicycle. I guess I yearn for physical agility and ability.

The spring, summer and fall were spent in the greenhouse, gardens and yard. I was out of doors alot. I had my physical checkup in May. My doctor phoned and told me my serum vitamin D was almost at the top recommended level. At one time, it was almost at 0. He recommended that I cut back my supplement, at least for the summer. In 2021, I discovered that I really loved the great outdoors and that dust and pollen did not bother me as much. I also discovered that I hang on to things and maladies far too long, way beyond the best past due date. I am happy to let some of it go.

I do not regret hanging onto my love and memories of Sheba. I miss her soft animal body, how she circles and lays down with a grunt near me. I miss the sound of her kibbles falling in her bowl in the morning when the guy feeds her. I miss finding her laid across the bathroom door whenever I come out. Some things you never get over – love. And I don’t want to. I want to hang on to love and affection. They warm the cockles of my heart.

THE END

Posted on November 30, 2021 by hafong

Day 30 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The end is here and I am happy to write the finishing post to this enjoyable and productive challenge in November. I was able to retain my purpose of a personal breathing space and yet let in new people and ideas. I was somewhat successful in changing my voice and maybe a story or two. I can’t turn over a new page over night. A little change is better than no change.

I enjoyed the camaraderie, the sharing of stories, coffees, tips, photos, cheering each other on. There’s a diverse amount of knowledge among us. I’ve learned a thing or two. As I had mentioned yesterday I’m more motivated towards decluttering. I’m remembering to restart even if I’ve had stopped. And Florence’s writes on dyslexia helps my wandering mind and concentration. I have to bring it back again and again. Then there’s Tamara’s enthusiasm. She brings light and joy from Switzerland. It rubs off on me. There’s multitudes of gifts from all of you. It would take too long to name everyone. Maybe there was a hassle or two. Those were easily side stepped and forgotten. After all, I choose to show up or not.

Yes, I would do the challenge again in January. But I wonder if our digital maestro have forgotten that he changed it to February last year. Happy birthday, Paul Taubman. Don’t eat too much cake. Thanks for the month.

THE NEXT 90 DAYS

Posted on November 29, 2021 by hafong

Day 29 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Tomorrow is the last day. I’ve had a full day baking bread and doing laundry. Baking bread always seems like a simple thing when I start out in the morning. You add, mix, let it sit, knead, yada yada. The steps and stages add up before you can get the loaves in the oven. By the time I’m finished everything, I felt like I’ve washed everything twice over. The loaves are chilling on the rack. I have yet to bag them and take them down to the freezer. I am feeling a little fatigued. Do I have it in me to talk about what where I’m heading after this challenge?

Since I don’t have a business to promote, I will take a rest from my daily tapping. I’ve had a good run this November. I’ve missed 2 or 3 days. It’s good to be flexible and not to be obsessive. When the going gets tough, it is ok to step off. There is no point in forcing. This is not a race. I am learning a bunch of stuff this month and that is one of them. We have a wealth of knowledge among the group. Mary Elizabeth O’Tool’s posts on minimalism gave me a push to get started. Florence Callender’s posts on dyslexia are a great help and encouragement. I’m working better at slowing down and concentrating. So I will probably be back on my keyboard in January.

December is a good month to slow the pace and hunker down. I am looking forward to joining in Susannah Conways’s December Reflection on Instagram. It’s right up my alley, posting a photo/day to a word prompt. It’s how a see things – words and pictures. It’s a wonderful way of easing into the holidays. It’s probably not a popular thing to say but I don’t do Christmas. It doesn’t work for me anymore. Not that it did before but now I’ve dropped the facade. I don’t miss the rushing around looking for perfect gifts Christmas Eve. And I am not so sure about the meaning and spirit of Christmas. Shouldn’t it be like that all year long – the kindness, generosity, celebrations, family time, friendships, goodwill to all men..?

In January I’m taking an in person watercolour art class. That will give me something to write about. I hope I won’t get too frustrated listening to directions and taking steps on how to’s. Mostly I’ve been winging it. Sometimes I don’t even use a palette. I took a quilt class a long time ago. The instructor was very fussy. You had to cut, sew and iron precisely. I found it quite stressful and had to do some yoga before I went. But I did end up with a beautiful sampler quilt. I’m hoping I’ll paint some beautiful watercolours. I think the class goes into February. By then the days will be getting longer. The greenhouse will be warming up. I’ll be starting seedlings and maybe planting. I won’t be lacking for things to do. I’m also hoping for lots of snow so we can cross country ski all winter long into March.

ADVICE TO MY 16 YEAR OLD SELF

Posted on November 28, 2021 by hafong

Day 28 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The end is near and what is it that I’ve learned from this challenge?

that I still love words and pictures and the things they tell me
that I still tell some stories over and over and that I need to tell myself new ones
that I am fulfilling my goal of having this writing space – tracing and understanding the archeology of my time on earth.

I don’t know why that it is that I hold on to the negative narratives more than the positives. Why it is that I admire others so much and think so little of myself? Does not having a physical father present in my early years make a difference? And how about being a minority from age 6 to adulthood? I have had a double sense of being invisible and very visible at the same time. I have had the sense of being very small and standing out like a huge sore thumb. I’m using the past tense – have had – because I don’t feel like that anymore. But I am sure that child/young adult still resides in me.

It’s really too late to change my history, my paths through time. But it is not too late to accept and take comfort in that I did the best I could. I can accept that maybe it is the rites of passage. I don’t have to cast blame in any direction, inward or outward. If I could go back in time, I would tell my 16 year old self that being imperfect is part of the human journey. We can’t grow from a perfect end place. Don’t worry too much about making a wrong decision. Life is not black and white. It’s not about right and wrong. Some things/decisions are better than others. Wisdom is learning to make detours and corrections as we go along. Most of all, I would tell my 16 year old self to love herself unconditionally, to think more of herself and less of others. Let go of things that doesn’t serve her. Time and energy are finite.

TRIPS AND MEMORY LANE

Posted on November 27, 2021 by hafong

Day 27 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed a day or two but I’ll just start where I am. Our digital maestro suggested that we write about where we would like to travel. To tell you the truth, right now I have no desire to go anywhere. I’m a bit of a stick-in the-mud. It all stems from how I grew up – an immigrant child in a small town. We were just struggling to earn a living. We had a roof over our head. We never went hungry. We never did anything or went anywhere unless it was to the dentist or optometrist. Then we had to travel to the next big city which is North Battleford. It was where my paternal grandfather and his brother had a laundry business.

Thinking back now, it’s not true that I never went anywhere. And I’m far from a stick-in-the-mud. I’ve had an extraordinary life as I’m sure we all have. I’ve been globe trotting since I was six years old. From my little village to Canton and onward to Hong Kong. I lived there for 2 years, had grade 2 in Chinese. I lost all the Chinese characters living Maidstone, Saskatchewan, Canada for 11-12 years. After I finished high school, my father sold his half of the cafe to his cousin. Our family, except me, moved to New York to be with my mother’s side of the family.

I returned to Saskatoon after a summer in New York to attend university. My uncles could not convince to stay. In hind sight, I wished they had tried harder. Isn’t that how it always is, wishing for what isn’t? But that is water under the bridge. In the end we all ended back here in Canada. We’ve gone back to visit a few times. I liked New York better each time. I wished, too, that we could have taken mom back more often to see her siblings. But it is what it is. We did the best we could.

So this is just a bit of my journeys. I’m kind of stuck on China, Canada and New York. These are my important life travels. Maybe I will touch on my vacation trips in future posts. I’ve made my momentous first trip to A&W for breakfast this morning since Covid. Go ahead, you can laugh out loud. It is my favourite place for breakfast and easy conversation Saturday mornings after my swim at the YWCA. I didn’t swim this morning. I had given up my Y membership. I used the membership fee for new skis instead. I didn’t ski today either but made 3 loops around the park yesterday. I was thinking ahead and working off this morning’s calories. But I did dress up and made up for the occasion. Look – curls and earrings!

ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE

Posted on November 25, 2021 by hafong

Day 24 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m always happy to share another cup of coffee with the community. There’s something so warm and soothing sharing coffee and conversation with someone who’s truly with you in the moment. It’s like being wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. I’ve been a nurse for over 30 years before retiring. I’ve had more than a few cups of coffee, too many for my health. My mug was never empty. It was good while it was good. Now the coffee I do drink is decaf and I always love a cuppa. If you were here with me, what could we talk about today?

I could probably wear your ear off with my chatter. I can get excited about the most mundane things, those very, very ordinary moments of daily life. I am captivated by thoughts and dust mote in sunlight. And if we were sitting at my dining room table, I would tell you about tablecloth that was years in the making. It started out as block building out of my extensive stash of material collecting. I had no destination, no end product in mind. Everything just evolved. I found the material was excellent to paint and embroider on. The blocks were perfect for story telling. Some are sewn together for a rich tapestry. Others are stand alones, each with their own story.

Life is like that, one block building onto another. And then you have history and stories to tell. Coffee and conversation are wonderful, isn’t that so?

AM I HAVING FUN YET?

Posted on November 23, 2021 by hafong

Day 23 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and day 3 of my daily ski and day 2 of my daily cleaning and decluttering. Am I having fun yet? Yes and no. When words come easily off the tips of my fingers, it is fun. Not so much when I have to struggle for every thought and sentence. I don’t care much for proofreading and editing. I force myself because sometimes I can think faster than I can tap. Yesterday I caught a few omissions and errors. Good thing my patience and discipline are improving. Sometimes good enough is not good enough.

Am I having fun yet? I had a wee rest after lunch. I worked steady and early this morning, wasting no time. I stirred my scrap apple vinegar fermenting on the dining room table. It’s my second batch. I quite like it as a substitute for regular vinegar. Mostly I use it for cleaning. I put a bit in a spray bottle with water. I spritz it on my mop to damp mop my hardwood floors. I also use it on my dust cloth for dusting furniture, etc. It leaves everything shiny and with a pleasant scent. Then I fed Oscar, my sourdough starter. I like to get the daily things done and out of the way. When I procrastinate, sometimes they don’t get done at all. It’s no fun falling behind and having catching up.

After breakfast I did a quick dusting in our bedroom followed by damp mopping of the floors. Then we hit the ski trail at the park. I did 3 laps around the park, working up a sweat. Was I having fun yet? Not quite but almost. Not sure if I got my ski legs back yet. I am slow as a tortoise. No kick and glide yet. Have to review techniques on YouTube again. At least I haven’t regressed. I could do double poling. No falling down today. My boots got on and off the skis like a damn. No struggle like last year. I won’t win any races soon but I’m burning calories.

The sun has disappeared. I will have to set out to put the greenhouse to bed soon. Without the heater, the low in there today was -1.8℃ this morning at 8:30. The high 8.6℃ at 3pm. All the greens are doing well. I cover them with row covers for the night and uncover in the morning when sun comes up and temp. above freezing. We’ll see what happens when the temps dip toward 20 and below at night. This is our first winter. I don’t think it will be fun covering and uncovering in the depth of December and January. I might take a break from it till February or March.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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