Tag Archives: life

Old Habits Die Hard

Posted on by
Reply

A cool, breezy but sunny September morning but it is warming up nicely. I am, too. My body is reluctant getting out of bed in the dark. It wasn’t till after 7 till I could face the day. Now it is an hour before noon. I have a pot of sour cherry syrup in the making on the stove. It’s one thing to have all the wonderful harvest of food. It’s another to make use of them. I still have last year’s haskaps, strawberries and raspberries gathering frost in the freezer. I still have last year’s apple and grape juice in the cooler. Thank goodness no apples and few grapes to juice this year.

I am a gatherer of everything but not much of a user of anything. I seem to run out of energy doing the first and nothing left to do the second. I hope to work to correct this aspect of myself this year. I ran out of energy after the first paragraph yesterday. It is hard to break out of myself. Perhaps I need to reread Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. Old habits die hard but I will persevere.

Today is cool, windy, grey and drizzling. Autumn is definitely in the air. However, the forecast continues to be favourable for the next week. I will leave the garden for awhile yet. No need to hurry with the clean up. Meanwhile, I am enjoying this cool windy day. It feels delicious to sip my tea and tap away on my keyboard. I’m defrosting a jar of soup for lunch in the microwave. I am making use of what I have. And I have returned to finish this post I started yesterday.

Stepping it up

Posted on by
Reply

When I think about it, life is very hard. It always has been. Once you get off the treadmill, it’s hard to get back on. It’s hard but you just got to, somehow. What I’ve been trying lately is taking a run at it, at least once a day. Then I can say I haven’t given up. I’m still trying. What I’ve noticed is that the second time, the run is not quite as hard. My feet are lighter though not yet fleet. What I hope for next is endurance, a longer run and less whining. Everyone knows life is hard. I better can it. It’s getting tiresome.

So what I have to do it is remember my motto from Regina Brett’s God Never Blinks, “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up“. The important thing is showing up. Whether I feel like it or not does not matter. Nobody else has to know how I feel. Sometimes it is better to keep that to myself and put on a cheerful face and put my best foot forward. The rest will follow. It is a surprise but this I know from past experience. This keeps me on stepping it up every day. Some days are better than others. I’m ok with that.

Reminiscing

Posted on by
Reply

A beautiful cool sunny September morning. I am a little more peppy though I’m not ready to do the jig yet. I’ve taken my vitamins and made a tour of the garden and greenhouse. I’ve turned on the dehydrator on the deck. There’s 8 trays of Roma tomatoes drying, sending off their aroma into the air. The day has started and I am ready for it.

It’s 11 months since I’ve witnessed my mother taking her last breath. I’ve wondered and dreaded the moment since she was diagnosed with her heart condition in September 2001. It was a time hard to forget. She had her first CT scan on September 11, the day of the 911 attacks. I woke up listening to the news on the radio. I thought of our relatives in New York. Then we watched the news unfold in the waiting room at St. Paul Hospital.

Now it is 24 years later. I’m sitting here, sipping my tea and tapping on my keyboard. My mother is not here. She’s had a good 23 years without surgical intervention. There were ups and downs but she had done well till age caught up with her. 93 is a good age. She was alert and independent right till the last moment.We couldn’t ask for more, could we?

Though I am no stranger to death, it was traumatic. She was my mother. I was joined to her umbilically in her womb for all those months. Then we had all the years after. She was like the pebble in the sea, sending out waves near and far. And now there are no more waves. The world has changed for me without those waves. It reminds me of how powerful each of us can be and how the world changes when we depart.

Different Shades

Posted on by
Reply
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

A sunny September morning. I’m dragging my ass around. I wonder when and if this malaise will leave me. Until things or I change, I will keep on dragging, one foot in front of the other. I wonder how many fellow draggers are out there. Surely I can’t be the only one. I’m not full of cheer but I am not filled with gloom either. Can I be just neutral or are there different shades? I’ve never been bubbly or gregarious but neither am I silent and reclusive. Sometimes I talk too much. I feel somewhat defective and lacking.

I find the world and life very heavy and challenging. I am grateful that I don’t have to go out there having to work at a ‘job’ to earn a living. I guess I’ve done my time and paid my dues. But there’s no sitting back, relaxing and enjoying it all. Now comes the hard stuff, the stuff I’ve swept under the carpet to be delt with later, the later which is now. It is true that you can run but you can’t hide. Things never go away. They catch up with you.

I find everything hard because I let them be. They are hard because I don’t deal with them in a timely fashion. I spend too much time to look for reasons and explanations of the whys of everything. Sometimes there are no rhyme or reason. If only I can just get on with things. So many if onlys. I need to stop thinking and saying that, too. Just decide. Just move. Just do it.

September Days

Posted on by
Reply

The sun rises later each morning as do I. I cocoon deeper into the warmth of the quilt and darkness though I do know it is morning. I have to coax my limbs to move, to swing myself out of bed and into life. It is a very cloudy and misty morning. The colours of autumn light up the world. The world is a bit dark now. I have to focus on the light that surrounds me. I won’t let the darkness rule me.

I do not wonder about the darkness that is in our world today. How could it be otherwise? I have the right words but sometimes I cannot live up to them. I’ve been struggling for days to come out of the mist of my mind. I have not succeeded. Every morning I say to myself later. Every evening, I say tomorrow. So here I am, still mired in the cobwebs of my mind. I am still working my way through the passing of my mother. It will be a year in a month. Then there’s the tending of my aged father. He is also working through his way without my mother.

September comes with many losses. Long days with sunshine are replaced with longer darkness. The leaves are turning gold and orange and falling to the ground. The heat of summer are cooling. A dear friend have left this earth. I am sad with all these changes. I am sad but I am ok. I am sad and yet I am fascinated with my new world. There’s so much yet to see and to learn.

Some Days

Posted on by
Reply

I hate the responsibility part of being an adult. Though I live by number 46 of Regina Brett’s 50 Life Lessons of No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up, I hate it, too. Some days I rather not get up, dress up or show up. Some days I would like to hibernate in a log like a bear and wait until it is over. Have you had those days?

Some days being an adult feels like such a heavy burden. I can manage getting up, dressing up and even brushing my teeth. Showing up is the difficult part. But being the adult, the top rung of the ladder, I feel the heavy load. There’s no option of not showing up, taking responsibility, making decisions and such.

It’s been a few days since I’ve started this conversation. Some days conversations are difficult to sustain. It is damn hard to pick it up again but I am trying. It is a rainy September morning. The leaves are starting to turn colour. Autumn is on its way. The garden is still thriving. My greenhouse is finally lush with growth and harvest. I have much to do but there’s no rush. Everything will and can keep. There is a time and season for everything.

September sloth

Posted on by
Reply
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’m slothing through these days of September. I’m not happy about it but I try not to give myself too much grief. Though the official date for autumn is September 21/22, the days have been steadily getting shorter. It was still dark at 6 this morning. The furnace was turned on to take the chill off. I could not will myself out of bed till after 7. I am learning to accept that my battery power is less in these days of dwindling daylight. It is ok to move slower, do less and gain a pound or two. It is wise not to fight nature. I will just do the best I can.

I am happy to learn that there was no frost last night. The garden is safe. We will be busy the next week or 2 harvesting and putting the garden to sleep for the coming winter. There’s always something to do. Right now I have a pot of tomatoes simmering on the stove. I’m saucing a quart of tomatoes a day. My goal is 12 quarts so 8 more quarts to go. The bread is out of the oven and cooling on the rack. The dishes are done. There’s just the loaf pans to wash. I better get to them.

Finishing, cleaning and putting things away are just as hard as starting something. The tomato sauce is in the jar. The bread is still cooling. All the pots and pans are washed and dried, almost put away. Congrats to myself for jobs done. Now I can relax and resume slothing.

Writing Makes Everything Better

Posted on by
Reply
Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio on Pexels.com

Four days in, September has not been warm and fuzzy, the kind of autumn days we dream of. It’s cool and windy. Strains of Nat King Cole’s Chestnuts roasting on an open fire are playing in my mind. I am feeling slow and sluggish, wondering how to get myself back in motion. I stopped going to the gym awhile back. I didn’t realize that routine of getting out of the house bright and early was so motivating and energizing. Starting over is hard to do. Even though I’ve started back, my heart isn’t in it. I have to work at it.

I guess the lesson is not to completely stop the good things. Instead I can scale back, take a short rest and hop back on again. When the desire and inspiration are not there, I will have to do the hard work. And it is hard. Giving in to languishing and curling up with a blanket looks very attractive right now. But I know that will not get me out of this ‘everything is hard’ hole. I will buckle up and suck it up.

It helps to have this writing space. It helps to lay everything out on the page. I can then see the wherefores and whys of some of the things. I think that is why I love crossword puzzles and Wordle. Writing helps me solve problems. It stop thoughts whirling endlessly in my head. It stops me from berating myself and making myself feel bad. Writing is my therapist without a hefty fee. And I don’t have to wait for an appointment. I have to love all that.

Hello September

Posted on by
Reply

Just like that, the sun and heat of August disappeared. September came with cooler air, clouds and smoke. What a disappointment! Disappointments, no matter how small, are so hard to swallow. My throat is tight and constricted. I feel an ache all the way down to my heart. A little melodramatic, I know. It is the way I feel. I don’t like it or the way I am. I am disappointed with the weather. I’m disappointed with myself. I will try to change how to deal with it better.

The first thing to do is to acknowledge how I feel. The second is not to take disappointments so seriously. Life, after all, is not full of guarantees. The weather is unpredictable and not in our control. Things happen, people screw up, I screw up and accidents happen. The waitress could forget you’re there. The coffee refill could be slow coming. Your order could be forgotten. And when it does arrive, it could be a bit burnt. All these things could and did happen. The streets are full of road blocks and detours. People get lost. People will be late. For sure there will be alot of fuming and swearing. But it is not serious. It is not life threatening.

The third thing to do is chill and not do anything rash. Let it all sit then do some deep breathing to dissipate the woe is me victim feeling. Then do TLC like making myself a nice breakfast to counteract the sting of disappointment. I chose not to sit with disappointment. Instead, I harvested 2 of my mad hatter peppers, sliced and diced and fried them to accompany my omelette and toast.

Disappointments do not always disappeared. They can linger on in our memory. That’s how they and we are. I choose to learn from them and not to let them sour me. I am sour enough.

August Was

Posted on by
Reply

August was fleeting. It came and now it’s on the way out. I do not remember much of it except that it was hot and dry for the last half. It made a loud exit yesterday with two big and quick thunder showers leaving a stream of water flowing down the back alley. It was all welcomed by me.The air was quickly cooled and the garden quenched.

Funky as this spring and summer has been, August brought a bountiful harvest. I have been harvesting buckets of tomatoes. I’ve been blanching and freezing peas and beans. Our city allotment garden has been very productive with beets, potatoes, corn and squash. Yesterday I harvested 15 kohlrabi, 4 cabbages and a handful of goji berries. We shall have a full larder for the winter. I am grateful.