THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE

Posted on January 7, 2015 by hafong

I believe that when we are hit with an ‘aha’ moment we should give it due respect and pay attention.

The other day my mother phoned. Could I make a doctor’s appointment for her. My father had tried a couple of times but got a recording that says that you have to do it online. I found it peculiar since not everyone, especially seniors have computers or have the know hows. I phoned and the recording does say you have the option of making appointments online but if you press 0 or just hang on, you can speak to the receptionist.

I felt a bubble of irritation starting up at my father. How could he not understand that since he got the online part? In the same moment, I saw the flashing STOP sign in my head, telling me that this is how my father has been for many, many years. Though he came to Canada as a young man in his early 20’s, he does not know the English language well at all. He had made no provision for my mother to learn.

Sometimes I think he knows more than he lets on. But he rather have somebody else do all these things so he doesn’t. I have been the interpreter, making and taking them to appointments since I was about 9 years old. It has made me feel responsible for their health, happiness and total being. No one can be responsible for somebody else’s all. I have felt guilt and anger.

What are the chances that he would change now at 83? None. So why waste my energy getting angry and then feel like a very bad person/daughter? I squashed that ugly bubble and made the appointment. I told my mother how they can get through to the receptionist the next time. I’m feeling grateful that he is still able to drive and be independent otherwise. I am grateful that there are Chinese physicians here so that they can see their doctor on their own most of the time. I am grateful that I can help my parents to be as independent as they are able to.

I am fortunate that I finally recognize that there are the things I can’t change. I can now stop fretting, stressing, fuming, insisting that yes, things can change. Some things cannot. I can stop getting, being and staying in anger. Having seen the light/stop sign, I can ease up, let go a bit and move on. There will be, of course, days when I will fall back on old ways. I will get righteous and indignant, insisting that other person change and behave the way I want. I hope those occasions will come less and less. Let there be patience and love.

WHAT IS

Posted on January 6, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 6th day of the new year. Can I say I am weary and Sheba is getting on my one nerve that is left? She is the neediest dog ever, wanting to be stroked, cuddled and held 24/7, always nudging, cajoling. Come on, come on!

Enough already, Sheba! I’m trying to write. Her hair is everywhere – stairs, living room, kitchen, on my keyboard. What we put up with for our critters. I hope my Roomba comes this week. The severe weather has delayed its delivery. I am seriously disappointed that it didn’t come today.

But life goes on and so does the cold. It is still just January. I better readjust my attitude and hold on. There is still a lot more to come. At least there’s sunshine and I have a warm home. The fireplace is working. The larder is full and the wine is fermenting. What more can I ask for?

Okay, a cold wind is blowing but Mr. sun is still shining and the snow ever so white and clean. The garden isn’t blooming but all the beauty and the potential is there. Soon it will be time to order the seeds for planting. For now just sit back, relax and appreciate what is.

BEGIN THE BEGUILE

Posted on January 4, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 4th day of 2015 and it is bitterly cold. I am depleted of energy, ambition and creativity. The cold has sapped me of all, though Sheba and I went around the neighbourhood in – 36 degrees C. Perhaps I overdid it yesterday with the swimming and then a long trek in the dog park. It wasn’t as cold then, but my phone and camera both died simultaneously.

I’m trying to find some oomph. I thought I could bake myself out of this slump. I bought out my baking sheets. Then I put them back. I’m sitting here at the keyboard. My fingers are stiff and achy with the weather. I’m pushing myself. Just begin! I scold myself. Type one word, any word and the rest will come. Does that sound familiar to you? It does work, once you start and make a commitment. Funny how that works.

I went to Nova Scotia once to meet a group of email friends I met on the internet. We were from various locations in Canada and the United States. It started out as a whim, just wishful thinking. I ~~was not~~ am not adventuresome nor brave especially in the travel alone department. But somehow I went alone to meet these people. I had a car rented. I don’t drive well direction-wise either. With a car rented, I couldn’t just sit at the airport for a week, could I? I had to begin.

I did get lost once or twice. Most likely it was more often. But I managed to meet up with my friends and spent a few days of good times in Halifax and thereabouts. Then I went on solo to Prince Edward Island, the home of Anne of Green Gables. I was so thrilled driving over the Confederation Bridge, all alone, by myself – the woman who still gets lost in her home city of Saskatoon! And there I was – in Charlottetown. I had someone snap this picture just to prove to myself that I was there.

Had I not made a start back in 2002, had I just dismissed the idea that I couldn’t – act on a whim, I would not have met all the wonderful people who are still my friends today. We have lost two of these friends. I would not have all these warm memories and pictures to rouse me out of my malaise to begin anything on this cold winter day.

STILLNESS

Posted on January 3, 2015 by hafong

I see life in words and pictures. And if I was to choose a word for 2015, it would be STILLNESS. I see the beauty of it right before my eyes – so brilliant and still. It awaits me, telling me I can do it. It is within reach if I wish. All I have to do is nothing.

I have not been good at stillness, at doing nothing. Even at rest, my hands betray me with their tapping, their fluttering. My thoughts run away every chance they get. My mind is not a restful place.

With no more STATS or Code Blues to run to, no call bells to answer, no one’s call of nature to take care of except my own, is it any wonder that I’ve been a little more quirky and unsettled the past year? I have been like a runaway train on a roller coaster, careening out of control. There is no one to save except myself.

STILLNESS is a good word for me. It stills the flutter in my heart, quiets the voice in my head. You are not so powerful, it whispers. You can’t fix everything. I glide smoothly into the warmth of the water and it is totally silent. I’m blowing bubbles through my nose and mouth. I have no room for thoughts as I lift my arm up and roll my face out of the water to breathe. I roll my face back, blowing bubbles and lift my other arm. I follow the black line at the bottom of the pool. Lift, roll, breathe, roll, lift over and over the length of the pool.

I am suspended from thoughts, held in the moment, breathing and living in stillness. It is stillness and silence that I want for 2015. Let me just be for then, perhaps I can see clearly and hear the call of my heart. I have time to be still. There is no fire, no one to rescue. There is just me for now.

SILENCE, SPACE, SURRENDER

Posted on January 2, 2015 by hafong

I am finding the truth about truisms. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Knowing that, I have no resolutions for the new year. No point in adding another failure onto the New Year’s Resolutions list. Instead, I am working through Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead. I am trying some of her magic.

The last couple of days, I had been on working on the question of what was my favourite moment, day or occasion of 2014. It took some time before I knew the answer. I felt knowing what nourishes me was important. Other times, if I couldn’t find the answer at a snap of my fingers or the time to hit the ENTER key, I would have given up. I wonder how many of you are like me.

My favourite occasion in 2014 is the time we spent in Arizona. What I love about the desert is the silence, the sky and the open spaces where cacti and sage grew and the desert flowers bloomed.

In the arid barrenness, the thorns and messiness of every day life fell away. There was room to breathe. There was space to grow and expand. There was time. In the desert, I let go of what was not me. We were in a foreign land where God was the only one I knew. I surrendered, dropping my mask and defences – if only to myself.

I was free to wander through the landscape of the unknown and untried. I did not know I could cycle up and down the hilly streets of Lake Havasu and live to tell about it. I shifted gears, huffed and puffed, pedalling up the steep hills. I heard the air whistled in my ears as I coasted down the other side, hanging on to the handlebars for dear life. I felt petrified and exhilarated.

I baked bread in the desert, listened to the birds in the morning and swam in the afternoon. The sunsets were glorious and picture book perfect. The moon and stars looked down on me in the evening as I sat by the fire. Peace and silence echoed all around me. In the desert I surrendered and bloomed. At last I felt a sense of me.

DIGGING DEEP – FITS AND STARTS

Posted on January 1, 2015 by hafong

It’s December 31, the last day of the year. I am still working on Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead. I’m doing it in fits and starts. I’m unsettled and restless. It’s difficult to unravel the past year, to take inventory, to face the numbers.

Was it a good year? Did the good outweight the bad?
Was I happy?
Did I make any progress?

The hardest question to answer was this one:

Describe your favourite day, moment or occasion of 2014 in words and pictures. What did it taste like? Smell like? Sound like? Who was (or wasn’t) there? Where were you? What were you doing? What was awesome about it? And most importantly, how did you FEEL?

It’s not easy to answer when you don’t know yourself at all. I’ve spent most of my life being for other people. It’s not anyone else’s fault except for my own unconsciousness. Do you know that it is much easier to be there for others than for yourself? I had not known this till this very minute as the words fall from my fingertips. It’s a funny thing, right? Why? Who knows. Maybe it is that vulnerability thing that Brene Brown talks about.

I never saw myself. It’s no wonder that it’s difficult to know my favourite moment or occasion of 2014. I had to put aside my lazy bone and dig deep and do the work. Nothing came for a day or two. But today, I’m remembering and feeling. Lake Havasu in February was pretty damn nice. The arid landscape and desert air proved to be wonderful for body and spirit.

*****

It’s January 1, 2015. Looking within myself is hard work as you can tell. I had abandoned my post yesterday, interrupted by New Year’s Eve. It was hard to dig underneath the surface to unearth the layers beneath. What was it that I loved about Arizona? Perhaps I should leave it for another day.

In the meantime, I realize last night is another favourite and last moment of 2014. I am so happy that I made the effort to make it happen. What better way to bring in the new year than with champaign from France and with people you love? The pop of the cork. the lovely bubbles tumbling from bottle into glasses, filled me with memories of love and families.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL

UNRAVELLING BACKWARDS

Posted on December 29, 2014 by hafong

I’m writing on a prompt from Kelly Letky aka Mrs Mediocrity. It is from #reverb13. Kelly writes:

Forward is the only direction.
The mirror never lies, but everything in it is backwards.
Look at what you see in the mirror. How does it change if you view yourself with eyes that can only look forward?

It’s 4 days after Christmas and 3 days before the new year. It’s a good time to look ahead and also good to look back to where I have been this past year. I spent some good time this afternoon unravelling 2014 with Susannah Convoy’s Unravelling the Year Ahead.

Yup, I got brave and looked in the mirror. I dared to see myself as I am today. Then I looked behind me, at all the backwardness and awkwardness of my past self. I tell you, it was not easy but I am glad that I did it.

So long I have lived in my head, dancing to old tunes and singing old songs. I did not know that they were no longer in vogue. I did not know I was dancing and singing alone, out of step, out of tune. I was like a marionette without a puppeteer. I was a dangling conversation without a theme. I was out of control.

On this cold winter’s day/night, it is good to sit in the warmth of my home. It is good to sit and reflect. It is not all about doing. Sometimes we have to stop and take an inventory of the past year.

What did I have in abundance?
What did I lack?
Where was I going?
Did I get there?
How did I get there?

Those were some of the questions I answered. It was accounting for where I had put my energy in 2014. I ~~discovered~~ uncovered aspects of myself I had not known or acknowledged. It was a time of tallying the debits and credits to balance the books. How else can I plan for a successful 2015 if I don’t come clean?

The night is getting on. It is time to close the books. Tomorrow is another day for more accounting.

BEGINNING & ENDING WITH CERTAINTY

Posted on December 22, 2014 by hafong

For Reverb14 – Day 21

What can I say with certainty today? It is the shortest day with the longest night of the year. It is winter solstice.

That was yesterday. This morning we are still in complete darkness. I was insistently nudged out of bed by Sheba’s wet nose. Just as well. I was ~~wool~~ weed gathering in bed, not sleeping nor tending my garden anyways. I was having a little bit of the moody blues and the simmering of a low grade depression.

That was what I thought – until I read Anne Lamott’s post. Then I realized I was just crazy and normal like everyone else at this time of year. No need to talk to the therapist about it. I read another post and it gave me a little hope that there is good in the world. I’ve been thinking about Christmas and gifting. How can I not? I’m not caught up with the masses and yet I am – in finding the perfect meaningful gift. I’ve found it in the last paragraph of Anne’s post.

“Emily Dickinson said that hope causes the Good to reveal itself. So bring it on. When I bring people hope–cups of tea, poetry and art supplies–then I’m holding hope in my hands, but I can only receive it by giving it away, to you, and to me; to us. Here, have some; it’s on me. Just don’t give up before you get the miracle.”

What I know for sure today, as in all days, is that I always have hope. I remember saying in therapy a long time ago that I am never without hope according to the questionnaire I had to fill. I was wondering why I was there. Did I wandered into the wrong place?

I am finding myself in the same place again. What I know for sure is, it is good to have hope. And it is good to have help, a little guidance, small nudges in the right direction when I have wandered off the path. I am gifting myself for the coming year. I’m preparing myself so that I will be opened to receive more of life. I want to feel more joy and less anger. I want more clarity to the yes(s) and no(s) I will be uttering. I want to be saying in December 2015, It was a very good year. I did the best I could.

SIGNS, SYMBOLS, SPACE

Posted on December 21, 2014 by hafong

Reverb14 – Day 20

Today’s prompt comes from the phenomenal Jen Lee. Jen writes:

One thing I learned in 2014 was how to make space for joy and levity, even in the midst of challenging circumstances or sad times.

How could you make space for joy in the year to come? How could you protect it?

****

I hate to say I’m coming from behind, but that is what I am doing. I appreciate the opportunity here on Kat’s Reverb14, to reflect on my past journey and to contemplate where I want to go in the new year. Thank you for this space to reverb.

I’m trying hard, maybe too hard to find my words this morning. I have laid them aside, neglected them too long and too often lately. They are pouting and reluctant to come out. I will have to be patient but it is not easy – not with Sheba begging for attention. She is throwing her rubber ducky onto my lap. Play! Play! The squealing purple duck is driving me insane. What was I thinking when I bought it? There is nothing else to do except acknowledge her and squeal the rubber ducky to her delight. Afterall, she is my joy.

A little peace and quiet is restored, but my head is dazed and abuzzed with a swarm of bees. My words have retreated even further into the recesses of my mind. I rise to retrieve some laundry. It is soothing to sort and fold and put them in their rightful drawer. If one thing doesn’t work, I can do another. I am creating space for the words to come out later. It’s better than wasting time and moaning about my upset applecart.

So here I am now at my keyboard. My words are coming out one by one. They are not perfect. They not my best words but at least they are dressed and showing up. What more can I ask from them? They bring me clarity and meaning. You need both to feel joy. How else would I know when it comes?

Reverb14 – Day 19 Prompt from Kat McNally

Sometimes I feel like an intrepid explorer through the lush, terrifying, vibrant jungle that is daily life. When I am open, I start to notice clues everywhere; clues which guide me to questions that, in turn, lead to answers. I sense the very real possibility that I am not navigating my way on my own

Recently I realised that I had been gravitating to hot pink. This realisation led me to a photo which, in turn, brought back some memories which then led me to understand something about a burden I’d been carrying for a long time. And in that discovery, I was freed.

Today, I invite you to consider: what sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?

*******

December can be a magical month, if you let it be, if you are not caught up in the ‘shoulds’ of Christmas frenzy. I’m not saying to abandon the celebration of the birth of Christ. I’m saying, pause and give a thought about how you really want to spend the season. Do you have to be swept up with the crowd – in the malls and elsewhere, doing what THEY think you should do?

I’m not here to be an Ebinizer Scrooge and bah humbug Christmas. But really a lot of the things for Christmas are commercial symbols of a religious celebration. Think about it. The candy canes, the Poinsettas. the tree and decorations, Santa and the reindeers – what do they have to do with Jesus being born? So why do so many of us feel compulsed to fit in with the general milieu? And feel guilty if we don’t?

I try not to, though I have, through different years. Afterall I like everyone else, want to fit in. I still do but I am tired. I have been for years. Do I have to fit in at this stage in my life? Not really. It’s time for me to stop. I’ve come to that crossroad. I am all grown up. I do not have to pretend, to do things just to fit in.

This has become my favourite sign. When life becomes hectic and my head gets abuzz with bees, I see the STOP in my mind’s eye. It stops and sooths me, clearing my head, mind and heart. What I think, see and feel are not always the truth. I can put a STOP to that steady stream of lies. And in that STOP, that pause, there is space for truth and joy to enter.

JOY TO THE WORLD. MAY PEACE AND LOVE FIND US ALL.

BAKING THE GREMLINS AWAY

Posted on December 18, 2014 by hafong

For Reverb14

It’s December 18th, a week before Christmas. It is a season of joy and sorrow. Life has no time boundaries and neither has death. You cannot have one without the other. It happens when it happens. I’m not behind and I’m not catching up. I’m writing in this moment on these two prompts – 2 in 1. What a bargain, heh?

Today’s prompt from Sophie Appleby aka Her Library Adventures. Sophie writes:

In the busyness of the everyday, taking time to nourish the soul doesn’t reach the top of the ‘to do’ list as often as it should. What nourishes your soul? How would you like to incorporate more of this into your life in 2015?

Day 15 prompt from Kat McNally:

I’ve learnt over the years that the only way to get anywhere in life is just to notice what other people are doing, hear the gremlins, feel the fear and do it anyway. It never gets any easier but to keep on doing it is the point. What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins? And what will you do anyway in 2015

*********

The gremlins are having their go at me the last few days. I feel them buzzing and biting at me with their little mouths. I am ignoring them. I’m not wasting energy swatting them off. I am letting them be. Long ago I have learned to let the shoe drop. I am not Humpty Dumpty. I will not fall and break.

It has been a week of dishwater coloured days. The mornings are black as night. I am full of lethargy. It is hard to get out of bed. But I do it anyways. I get up, dress up and show up, albeit slower and later. That’s what I do to respect and nurture my body and spirit. I listen to them instead of fighting and conquering.

I take special care at these vulnerable times. I do not have to be Wonder Woman and do it all. Let her rest awhile. No one needs rescuing at the moment. I don’t have to be the hero. I don’t need to have it all. I don’t even want it. I am happy in the smallness of my life. I am happy here, tap, tapping out my words to you, sipping my tea. Sheba is nearby. Voices and laughter come from children playing outside.

Perhaps this is not a good time to be reading Jodi Picoult’s The Storyteller. The story contains the horrors of the Holocaust but also about our humanity. It’s appropriate for our present time and the horrors we are still seeing. We can run but we can’t hide from the truth. I need to bear witness and to acknowledge all that is happening. It is paying honour to those who have died. They matter.

I’m reading on into the book, into Sage’s story and how baking becomes her therapy. It is also mine. You might call me a born again baker for I didn’t know how to until a couple of years ago. Now I’m happy when there’s flour flying in the kitchen. How can you not rejoice when you see it rise? It is so comforting to knead and punch down the dough. Take this! And this! My fist sinks into the soft mound. Then I’m forming it into separate loaves, to rise again and be ready for the oven.

The house is filled with the aroma of bread baking. It is a smell of home, welcome and nourishment. Come in and sit down. Won’t you have a cup of tea and a slice of fresh baked bread?

This is what I do to chase the gremlins and other demons and gobblins away. It also nourishes my soul. It works so I will continue on into the new year.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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