Tag Archives: change

GERBIL ON A WHEEL

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Some days I feel like a gerbil on a wheel, going around and around, not getting anywhere. The more I try to change, the more I stay the same. Or so it seems. Now, I’m looking at the drama that my neighbour creates as opportunity to change. Sure, it brings distress,  but the disruption gives me a pause to examine myself and my life. I ask myself:

  1. What is it that is here before me?
  2. How and what led up to it?
  3. What can I do about it? What has helped? What hasn’t?
  4. Who owns this property?
  5. Who owns me?
  6. What is important to me? What isn’t? What are my core values?
  7. What are my goals for this month of writing for the Ultimate Blog Challenge?

I find it necessary to revisit and review my goals and purposes, if not daily then weekly. My biggy is to fall madly in love with life again. To do that I have to work out and disengage my feelings from my narcissistic/psychopathic neighbour. She has wormed under my skin and seeped into my soul. I have become as obsessive of her as she is with me. I’m a bit of a drama queen, but only with words. They are a fair discription. I am more articulate with the written word. Verbally, I sound defensive and blaming. That’s not who I am. But I am guilty of being a self blamer.

Assessing how I’ve done this past week, I think I am doing ok. My storm within has chilled. I can look at my video of our drama together without the cloud of emotion. I can see that she had set me up again. I’m still that gerbil on a wheel. She was prepared for the camera, set for the game -apologizing, apologizing. What she didn’t say on camera was that she had been chucking my landscaping rocks at me the previous time. And she never apologized.

Some of people not knowing our history would see that I was the provoker. She was, after all, apologizing over and over and in her yard. What the video doesn’t show was she was ‘weeding’ around stuff I had just planted a few days ago. When I came out (I think she baited me), she high tailed into her flowerbed. She started calling me names and such. That’s when I turned the camera on. What matters though is I have captured her trespassing. The police does know the history.

She is right that the fence line is 6 inches from her driveway. My surveyor’s certificate has my fence sitting 2 inches inside my property. She already has the extra 2 inches in the back where the fence stopped at the front of my house. So why would she not give permission for me to access her property so the fence guys can extend the fence to the street? Then there would be no dispute and she can have her 6 inches. And she is the one who tells me she has the right to have a 2 foot access into my yard.  Of course she doesn’t talk this way with the police liason officer last fall. She also didn’t tell him that she knows alot of people at city hall and the police department. That’s what she tells me.

I am getting a little disturbed and distress recounting this. I will stop now but it was necessary for me to see with more clarity. She is very clever and good at this. I am not and I don’t want to be. I continue to find little gems of wisdom from this man. Hopefully I can get off the wheel at the end of this Ultimate Blog Challenge. Wish me luck.

MY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

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Day 2 of this writing challenge. It is a challenge, too. Maybe I should have started in the morning when I was fresh and had no time to be depressed yet. Now in mid afternoon, I am tired and stuck on my treadmill of thinking and thinking. I’m reminded of Portia Nelson’s poem, There’s a Hole in the Street. There’s a hole in the street and I’m in it.

It’s not that I’m just sitting and thinking. I’m tapping on my keyboard and sipping peppermint and ginger tea. I think I will take a tylenol to rid this overthinking headache. I’m not crying, Oh poor me! Really I’m not but poor me anyways. This is not where I want to be in life right now. But it is where I am. I better just suck it up.

I love Pema Chodron. I love her book When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I love her quotes.

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not squeamish about taking a good look.”

“Our whole world falls apart, and we’ve been give this great opportunity.  However, we don’t trust our basic wisdom mind enough to let it stay like that.  Our habitual reaction is to want to get ourselves back—even our anger, resentment, fear, or bewilderment.  So we re-create our solid, immovable personality as if we were Michelangelo chiseling ourselves out of marble.”

“We don’t set out to save the world; we set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people’s hearts.”

I do feel as if I’ve fallen in that hole. I’ve been going down that same damn street forever. Now I don’t even have Sheba to keep me company. Yes, I do feel that my world has fallen apart. Nothing stays the same forever. I shall use this window of opportunity to find a new street to walk.

 

 

 

HERE’S TALKING AT MYSELF

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Morning has broken again, just like the first morning. The least I can do is get up, dress up and show up. And I have. To do anything, to get anywhere, to change anything, one has to move. That is the law. I have limbered and warmed up to the day by pushing my damp mop over the floors. There is no good reason for me to be despondent and be like a wet noodle. Regardless of what is happening in the world, I am alive and breathing. I still have to get up, brush my teeth and eat. Sheba greets me each and every morning. She still sheds her hair everywhere.

I haven’t gotten the world by the tail but I have made a stab at the day. I’m having a little celebration with a second cuppa. I haven’t cleaned my winter footwear nor filed my income tax yesterday. I did get the humidifier cleaned and put away. Some things are easier to do than others. I try to work with that. No use in fighting against myself. I have a ‘bad’ neighbour for fighting, though I’m brainstorming on how not to let her ‘undo’ me. It is hard. When I see how she is still ‘interfering’ into our yard, I feel anger starting up inside. I know it’s not proper to hate, but I truly hate her and her ‘boyfriend’ from across the street. I take a deep breath in and let it out. I will discard and disregard those few inches of my yard. She can scrape and scratch around our trees if it makes her happy. I will call the police liason again if she goes any further.

I do not want to dwell in the valley of negativity. I am just preparing myself for the coming summer, to foresee possible problems and solutions. I have not always been wise in my actions, words and judgement. I put too much trust in reason and doing the ‘right thing’. I forget not everyone thinks like me and see through my eyes. What I need to remember is boundaries and to respond instead of reacting.

Now it is afternoon. I HAVE cleaned my winter and summer footwear. They’re drying on the deck. I’m thinking how nice it would be to slip my feet into clean shoes. A pat on the back for me! I have to own the day by grabbing it in the morning. It means a little work and will power. What’s life without some work and effort. Nirvana is overrated. It leaves me without a compass. A little stress of the right kind makes for a happier, fulfilled life.

 

INVITATION TO CHANGE

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I’m suffering somewhat with this locked/shut down. Sometimes I feel as if I’m suffocating and can’t catch my breath. These times come with some tiny memories that drift in uninvited and unannouced of times before, of people lost and forever gone. They’re like mini panic attacks. I know now what it is meant by grasping at straws. Those times and people are gone and irretrievable. I feel such a loss, a hollow which cannot be filled. How callous I have been!

So here I have sat for the last while. I don’t know how many days. Immobilized, devoid of ambition, desires. I have not hula hooped, done my qigong, sew or painted. I cannot use being busy and no time for an excuse.  If not for Sheba, I would not have gone for any walks. My shame and guilt have been overpowered by lethargy. I’ve been caught up reading murder mysteries to quell my anxieties of uncertainty. After a long while, I’m nauseated and disappointed in myself enough to make a change.

What if I could just do one hard thing a day? It would be a start to rise up and out of this self-induced coma. There’s a whole slew of things that I need/could do.

  • Filing my income tax. It’s due June 1 this year because of the Covid-19.
  • Cleaning and putting away winter boots and clothes.
  • Cleaning and putting away the humidifier.
  • Showing up here again as a daily practice. It was keeping me sane and functional. I must keep what works for me.

This is enough to wake me up a bit and get me on my feet. I must not let this opportunity go for naught. I came across Mary Oliver’s Invitation yesterday. Her simple words have stirred me to thought and hopefully action.

Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy

and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles

for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air

as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude –
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing

just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in the broken world.
I beg of you,

do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
You must change your life.

 

WHAT AND WHERE TO NEXT?

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Easter Sunday. Sunny. Still cool, – 8 Celsius. I am at least calm if not altogether collected. The world has stopped, so they say. There was plenty of traffic on Preston Avenue yesterday afternoon. I wonder where everyone is going when everything is closed. We are a restless tribe. Of course, Sheba and I were out, too, on our walk. We were getting some physical exercise.

Now that we are forever changed, I wonder how those changes will affect how we will live our lives from now on. The one thing I will not do is to take another cruise after reading how irresponsible the cruise industry is. Imagine 6,000 passengers are remain at sea amid despite the Coronavirus pandemic. I shall not miss it if the industry goes under. The pandemic gives me more pauses to think of how our actions impact on the planet. Cruises  are very bad all around. I’ve been on 4 and have enjoyed them, not knowing better.

I’m floundering and stumbling a bit today, not making good use of my time and energy. I have fallen into my old habit of more self-help. I signed up for a free online course on well-being. It’s probably trying for more accumulation of knowledge I already have. Doing the same old, same old. Time to change habits, pick myself up, dust myself off and use the knowledge I have. No use sitting on them. It’s like money not used but just sitting in the sock draw or the bank.

Listless is what I feel. It’s like being all dressed up with nowhere to go. I’m feeling lucky I’m not one of the passengers on those cruise ships. I know how small those lower class cabins can be. Here, I have a whole house to wander around in. I am counting my blessings. Sheba and I have just came back from our walk. It’s a cold breezy April afternoon. Not too many people out afoot.

So much for my listless mumblings. Not too much of anything at all. At least I’m not full of gloom, doom and the boogy man. I’m staying afloat. Keeping life simple.

 

 

CHANGE MY THOUGHTS, CHANGE MY LIFE

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I’m late coming to the keyboard. It’s an exercise day. Sometimes it feels like going to work because it is a must commitment. Today we had Fred instead of our regular instructor. He is always a welcomed and good change, introducing us to a different workout. His warmup focuses on the four joints at the shoulders and hips. It is surprising and amazing how good it feels after. They didn’t seem like such deal deal exercises.

It reminds me to change my train of thoughts. No big deals can bring big results. Change your thoughts, change your life. I think I have that book by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I haven’t read it but I will now. I will get it up from the basement so I won’t forget. I can read a few pages a day. I’m the train that can, remember?

I know I’ve got quite a few things on my plate now. I’m not sweating it. I’m mindfully trying not to rush or multi task. I’m trying not to have catastrophic thoughts of can’t do, no time, etc. I’m doing one thing at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. I think, there is time. I can do it.

I’m moving through my day. Sat with Mark Williams on YouTube for 20 minutes of sitting meditation in the morning. Then I spent 10 minutes free writing for Write Your Journey before heading off to my exercise class. Sheba and I made 2 rounds at the dog park this afternoon. In between things I managed to make 3 jars of kimchi. And now I’m rounding up this post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s not Pulitzer writing but it’s a serious effort to stay on track.

FEEDING OSCAR

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What strange times we are in. So many things we cannot count on – the weather, people, peace and equanimity. This is the summer that wasn’t. Already it feels like October. The furnace kicked in on a couple of cool mornings. The thunder and rains came early in the morning before we rose. All day the clouds reined. The rains came again at supper time. Sheba and I were lucky. We had our walk and had time to harvest a few beans, strawberries and tomatoes from the garden.

I’m feeling fortunate that I am not feeling ‘under’ with the weather. I’m feeling quite on top of things, filled with a wee bit of vim and vigour. Knock on wood. It’s not just luck. I’ve been working on myself, doing my own reconstruction workshop. I hate feeling poorly, don’t you? I’ve been chipping away parts of myself that I do not like. It’s not easy. Old habits die hard. Mostly it is about old habits. It’s so much easier to go the well rutted way than to find different routes. It’s taken me these many days and ways to do it.

It starts with recognizing how I don’t want to feel. And then seeing how I always react to those feelings. When I always react the same way, then I always get the same results. Simple math. Choosing to act different is not so simple. I had to swallow my pride and stubborness. They’re big lumps and hard to go down. I had to tell myself that it’s the right thing to do over and over. Practice does make for easier. It takes time for it to take hold and feel natural. I’m getting better and feeling better. That’s probably what’s giving me vim and vigor.

Having projects keeps me buoyed. I’m learning to make sourdough bread. I’m inspired by Zero-Waste Chef. The whole process looks very slow and complicated. It’s enough to discourage me but it hasn’t. I’m looking at it as a science experiment, taking one step at a time. It’s not like me at all. Mind you, I’m only 6 days in. I’m still excited. My starter came alive yesterday. I have to feed it every day now. I named it Oscar. I check on him numerous times a day to watch him at work, munching and making bubbles. I much rather use my energy and time to feed Oscar than all those negative emotions of depression, anger, envy, jealousy and what-have-you of the past. Maybe I will have a loaf of bread to share in the near future.

 

WORDS, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS

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I’m on a 7 hour countdown with WordPress. I’ve decided to end my personal plan and go back to the free one. Nothing much changes except I’m not paying now. My handle is still athousandandtwo with a .wordpress added after and before the .com. Of course my media storage space is cut back to 3GB from 6. I wasn’t using much of the extra space these 2 years that I’ve had the plan. So what’s the point?

I know, a picture is worth a thousand words and they do speak to me. There’s whole conversations in a photo. Not everyone can hear them though. Words can speak just as well if not louder. I’m making a choice now. I’m choosing the written word. It’s not as if I’m giving up the whole picture. I still have 3 GBs of them at my disposal. But perhaps now that I have chosen the word, I can work on getting one thousand of them. It’s a worthy goal.

I can see the benefits of reaching beyond myself. It will boost my self esteem to prove that I’m not just a one or two liner girl. I can write more than just Hallmark greeting cards. That’s nothing to sneeze at either, if I can sell them. Secondly, working on more words could help slow down and organize my attention deficit brain. Having the goal would give me purpose in coming to this space. I’ve been mostly sighing and whining about this and that. Who wants to listen to that? I tire and bore myself.

So now I’m down to 5 hours before I’m booted back to the not so professional version of WordPress. My words will stay the same. I still give them equal and careful thought before hitting the PUBLISH button. My proof reading is not superb. Having an attention deficit brain, my eyes run ahead before the words can register. My thoughts skip all over the place, too. I work on pulling eyes and attention back to this page, to this moment, to this purpose.

I’ve been sitting every morning in meditation with Mark Williams on Youtube. I’ve been doing it since July. Sometimes I hear myself thinking with his British accent ..”and if you should find yourself…” It works. When I do find myself wondering off, I bring myself back to the breath, to the moment. Deliberate practice does make for better. It’s enough to encourage me to continue my practice. My moods and thoughts are getting healthier. Whenever I find my thoughts veering off in the wrong direction, I try to picture them as clouds passing in the sky. I let go of the emotions they stir in me though I do feel the resistence. I tell myself it is the right thing to do.  I send them back into the clouds passing in the sky. I feel the turnaround, the resistence melting away, the letting go of bad thoughts and feelings.

Now, WordPress tells me I have 4 hours left. I can still renew by paying. No, I’m keeping it simple and free. Hopefully I will still be here, in this my special tapping space.

 

 

 

 

 

WALKING IN MY SHOES

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I am still here after all these years, since May 2012. I haven’t come a long ways though. I need to change my ways. Things happen for a reason. Time for me to wake and listen up. I need to change my goals along with the times. Writing a thousand words a day was not realistic for me. I have not reached it once. Maintaining my writing space here is do-able and helpful. I am sure a goal of 10 years is attainable. I’ve already done 7.

Yesterday the guy had a run in with our neighbour from Mars. She was busy digging a trench in our yard to run off rainwater from her driveway. When asked what she was doing, she went on a rampage again about how she has to clean up our messy, weedy yard all the time. What this meant for us is that she has had the Weedman spray pesticide onto our property along our raised vegetable beds. I put a stop to it by phoning the company each spring that this is not what we want and it is not legal. She has also had someone cart off boards and other objects we put aside by our garage on our side of the fence.

My list of things to complain about her is long. It started with her moving next door. Not only does she shovel her snow off her driveway onto my yard. She shovels it over the fence. She claims that it was the first time she lived in a house and didn’t know that wasn’t proper. She complains about my dog’s barking. They couldn’t hear the birds sing. Yet she and her partner at the time fought, yelled and slammed doors. My beans can’t climb over the fence. She cuts them off if they do. She complained about the mulch in our front yard. It’s a fire hazard. And so on and on.

I’ve lived beside her for over 10 years now. I’ve learned that to have peace, I had to ignore her totally. Not to look at her. Not to talk to her. I had to let her ‘own’ my little strip of space by her driveway to do as she please. Let her dig, plant little spruce seedlings, guard it 24/7 if she wants. I have better things to do. Once in awhile I would get caught by her ‘friendliness’ and engage somewhat. But then I would end up paying for it. That last time a few summers ago, I got so upset and angry. To find relief, I went for a ride on my tricycle. Maybe it was because of my distress that I lost control riding over a bumpy stretch. I ended up with the trike on top of me. I was in pain. It was heavy. I was lucky that my injuries were not severe. I was able to get up and ride home.

I have lived in equanimity beside her since, not responding to her at all. But the guy’s run in with her and the racist eposide in Richmond, B. C. caught on social media, brought back the memories and bad feelings. Though the neighbour has never slung any racist slurs at me, the hurt’s still feel the same. Though the woman in Richmond didn’t say those words to me, but to another Chinese woman, they hurt just the same. Her ‘Chinky, Chinky China Lady are the echo of ‘Chinky, Chinky China man from my childhood. The hurt I feel are from all the wounds from past hurts I could not understand.

It is good for me to keep this space to tap out my grievances, my sob stories. I can soothe and smooth myself. It is difficult and unfair to expect understanding from others. Only I can walk in my shoes. I can only expect change in myself – in what I do and what I say.

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

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And the winds continue to blow. I feel its howl in my bones. I’m caught back in the space of restless anxiety. Have you ever been there? It’s not a restful place. I’m here tapping on my keyboard on this 25th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I hope the rhymthic tapping can soothe and smooth me. If nothing else, I will have a blog post. I am a little displeased with myself for having fallen into this nervous trap – again. I feel like Alice plunging down the rabbit hole. But it is really not my fault. It is my brain and nervous system. I am built this way. I can’t help it.

I breathe and think loving kindness towards myself. May I be safe. May I be calm. May I be peaceful. May I be loved. I imagine the wind whispering all these to me. I picture a kind smile on its face. I feel the wind wrapping me in its warm embrace. I am stroked and loved. I am safe. I can let go of the tightness in my limbs. I can let go of my breath. I will not fall. I feel the sun coming out to smile down on me.

All is well. The world is as it should be. There is nothing I can/need to change except what is within me. When I change, everything changes also. I am that pebble thrown in the ocean. Gee, I have more power than I realize. What a Eureka moment! I am not immobilized by my fear. I am moving my fingers across the keyboard. The fear is a catalyst for opening my senses to new ways of seeing, feeling and thinking. I will survive this after all. Hallelujah, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

So now it is evening. I have survived another day. And none the worse for wear, I might add. I got lost again, led astray by Mrs. Google Maps. Lost is my usual state of being. I drove around and around. I was a  little frazzled and late for my appointment. People are kind. Women are not good with directions. I am not good with directions. Nobody was mad. We all had a chuckle. Life is mellow again.