STARTING – Day 76 in a year of…

Posted on October 6, 2016 by hafong

Day 76, October 2, 2016 @9:18 am

I am here with my tea, surrounded by the whiteness of the snow. I feel my morning malaise, feeling lost and without purpose. I must bolster myself, sit straighter in my chair, put a smile on my lips and tap as if I have a purpose and something to say. You know the saying, fake it till you make it.

Moving with purpose, dressing for success, all those inane sayings work. I like Start, and the rest will follow. Start has so much potential. Inertia is lethal. So for goodness sake, get off your duff. Start! Wherever you’re and whatever you want to do. Look, I have half a sweater! This was a very old unfinished project which I unravelled and restarted. We can reinvent sweaters and maybe even ourselves. It is worth the effort. What do you think?

Now that I have started my day, I must move along. I will go and see if my parents need their driveway and walk shovelled. If they don’t, I will have a visit and a cup of tea. Have you started your day?

WHO I AM – Day 75 in a year of…

Posted on October 5, 2016 by hafong

Day 75, October 5, 2016 @1:14 pm

Lunch is over. The dishes not quite put away. I always feel overcome after lunch, unable to think or do anything. So I come here to my space with my cup of tea to muse and tap on the keyboard. I feel comforted and not so melancholy, surrounded by light from windows.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not unhappy or sad. I am not in any dire straits. I am a muse. I am by nature whimsical, sometimes melancholic. I sigh, heave my chest, sip and tap. That is how I am. I poke along at a snail’s pace. By chance I am reading a book about Patricia Highsmith who raises snails. She takes them in her purse with some lettuce to events. The book, The Crime Writer, is a novel. But Highsmith and snippets about her and her life are real.

Highsmith loved cats, and she bred about three hundred snails in her garden at home in Suffolk, England.^[17] Highsmith once attended a London cocktail party with a “gigantic handbag” that “contained a head of lettuce and a hundred snails” which she said were her “companions for the evening”.^{[17] – from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patricia_Highsmith}

I hope I’m not like Highsmith, though I have been called eccentric. But I am meandering, straying. Blame it on the weather. Blame it on the snow. It is only October the 5th. It is snowing and still snowing. I am prepared if not quite ready for it. I am not fighting it. It is a good day to sip tea, have a cookie or two, muse, read about snails……

What are you doing today? Is it snowing where you are?

A DIFFERENT STORY – Day 74 in a year of…

Posted on October 4, 2016 by hafong

Day 74, October 4, 2016 @10:00 am

Mornings are still dark at 7 am. I’m slow at rising. I’m slow at putting on my morning face and coming to the keyboard. I diddle and daddle. Finally I put on makeup, earrings. I put on a pink sweater I haven’t worn in a coon’s age and some reasonable pants. Why do I wear the same ratty old clothes day in and day out when my closet is brimming with stuff? Why don’t I wear a smile more often? The answers could be as simple as habit and laziness. It takes more energy to make choices than to go on auto pilot. My habit has been to grab and don.

Habits and feelings have a habit of seeping back. This morning I am quite aware of it. I’m squirming with the discomfort of it all. I pace, picking up a Kleenex and a napkin left here and there. I gather some laundry to take downstairs to do. Remembering I haven’t checked the clutter in the basement for a few day, I cleared and discarded a few items. When I can’t do big, I do little has become my mantra.

I’m finally here though, tapping on my keyboard. The click, click beneath my fingertips are rhythmic and soothing. Thoughts come and feelings come. I’m pushing through the gloom and the mundane of this morning. I see my glass/day full instead of empty. I’m romancing myself with each tap, tap of the keyboard. I’m creating new thoughts, new habits and new views. I’m telling a different story. What stories are you telling?

ROMANCING MYSELF – Day 73 in the year of…

Posted on October 3, 2016 by hafong

Day 73, October 3, 2016 @7:53 am

Here I am, showing up for another day. It’s almost two and a half months into my yearly challenge of doing different. But who’s counting, eh? The good thing about me is that I am easily motivated. Give me a suggestion and I’m off. You don’t have to fire that gun at the starting line. The trouble with me is – I’m easily bored. I don’t have staying power. I fall off that proverbial wagon constantly. Hence, I have many unfinished projects – sweaters, cross-stitches, petite points, want-to-be books, wanna ambitions….

So how do I stay motivated and get to the Promised Land? The destination is still far off beyond the horizon. How not to live half-assed? How do I romance myself? It’s the core of this yearly challenge. I have to leave it here and finish my tea. How are you romancing yourself?

PURPOSE – Day 72 in a year of…

Posted on October 2, 2016 by hafong

Day 72, October 2, 2016 @9:44 am

Inertia and gravity are difficult to overcome. I use every excuse I can think of to avoid doing – the weather, I’m tired, I’m this, I’m that. It’s hard to understand the why of this feeling of reluctance. It’s more than being lazy. It has an element of insipid dread. I have long given up (is it really true?) trying to understand the impossible. I used guilt to pull me up and out yesterday. It was difficult but am happy that I rose above the dread. I might as well put the bad stuff to good use, eh?

I’m here without my tea this morning but I’m having trouble sitting still. I don’t have to rise above everything in life. It is not a bad thing to pause and reset. I will get up, stretch, put the kettle on. Be back in awhile with my cup of tea. Everyone breathe.

~~~~~~~~~

I’m back. I feel so much better, having a cup beside me to take a sip when it gets tough. I see I can’t go cold turkey. It’s a good thing I’m not an alcoholic. I’ll be falling off that proverbial wagon all the time. Perhaps I should not be so hard on myself, setting up all these challenges. I can’t seem to help myself though. I am challenged by challenges. The call to better myself is hard to resist. It makes my life purposeful. What gives you purpose?

AN EXTRA CUP OF TEA – Day 71 in a year of…

Posted on October 1, 2016 by hafong

Day 71, October 1, 2016 @9:56

What is it about tea and me? What is it about that cup of brew that brings so much pleasure and comfort? Is it the pause it offers me – the time to put the kettle on and wait for it to whistle? When it does, then pouring the hot water over the teabag, fishing out the bag, spooning in honey and powdered milk. Little pregnant pauses – full of deliciousness of time suspended.

Perhaps my next doing different could be learning/developing my own tea ceremony. After all, I am Asian. I came from the land of tea. I have a kimono. I have a teapot. I have tea. My cupboard is filled packs of loose tea leaves from Sri Lanka – gifts from a friend. I have been too lazy and too impatient to do the process. My friend has discovered my laziness. Now she gives me teabags from Sri Lanka.

My extra cup is finished. I meander but it is Saturday. It is October 1. It is another new month, another new beginning. It is reason enough to celebrate. It still feels like a special day off, a suspension from the cares of the week. I shall relish it. How are you spending this Saturday?

BE THE CHANGE – Day 69 in a year of…

Posted on September 29, 2016 by hafong

Day 69, September 29, 2016 @9:17

Some mornings are harder than others. This is one of them. I’m here. I’m prepared to sit and stay. I’ve made my cup of tea before hand. I will not have that excuse to flee. I can sit, stay and sip through the discomforts. I’m beginning to understand this phenomenon of procrastination – at least for me. My brain is lazy. It wants to do the same old, same old. It’s easier to stay in well travelled ruts. It does not want new pathways. It does not want a new circuitry. I DO. I’m fighting my brain right now to stay awake. Sleepiness is another way for it to flee.

The sun just came out to lend me a hand. Thank you, Mr. Sun! I need a little help today. My tea is done but I’m not finished here. What do I have to say? What do I want to say? The going is tough. I feel like a gerbil on a treadmill. I’m moving but not advancing. My great deduction today is that if I want changes, I must be the change. I must be the instrument. I must DO. I must make goals and lists. Writing them down is concrete. I cannot rely on goals and lists in my head. It makes it easier to forget and disregard.

I made a move yesterday to reward myself $1 for showing up each day. It’s tangible. It’s working. I will have $2 in my teapot today. I am working on making my basement a nice living space. I will clean/clear a small area each day. I threw out 2 old humidifiers and a CD rack yesterday. I worked a little on the sweater I started this summer. The secret I believe is starting and working small but steady. Do not lose heart.

What is your goal today?

PAYING FOR CHANGE- Day 68 in a year of..

Posted on September 28, 2016 by hafong

Day 68, September 28, 2016 @9:08

The days are ticking off, ever so slowly when you are conscious and counting. Doing different is difficult. I am so wired in to my feelings and reactions. Moving out of my grooves and ruts takes more than minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. I have to be patient. I have to be innovative. I have to be kind to myself. No snapping of elastic band on my wrist. I have to be trained like Sheba – on a reward system. A Loonie(a dollar) into the teapot for each day completed with a blog post. I’m worth that.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling to commit, to put it in writing. I want to get up and make myself a cup of tea. But I won’t. I will sit and stay here with the discomfort. I will sit and finish even though my head is screaming for tea. At least I’m not screaming for a cigarette as in the past. That is proof that I can and have changed.

Another gorgeous day. I am sitting in my beautiful space surrounded by light. It’s the light I must follow though our shadows are ever present. I will choose the high ways whenever I am able to. But I must accept the dark places and not punish and blame myself or others for falling. I can always get up and dust myself off – again.

Have you fallen? Did you hurt yourself? Did you get up?

FILLUPS AND TURNAROUNDS – Day 66 and 67 in a year of….

Posted on September 27, 2016 by hafong

Day 66 and 67, September 27, 2016 @8:48 am

I’m attempting to do the great turnaround this morning – doing the ‘work’ of Byron Katie. I’m asking questions, seeking their validity and seeing if there is another way of seeing. I am not happy in this moment of seeing the world half empty. It is the morning after the great debate of last night between Hiliary Clinton and Donald Trump. The ~~world~~ I held my breath, waiting to hear how the Donald will speak. I am sad to see a world where such a person can become a presidential candidate.

I’m coming to this space a little earlier, to change and shake off this feeling. The world hasn’t changed that much overnight. It is the way I’m seeing/feeling. One affects the other. One invokes different visions of the glass half full or empty. Can I do a switch around? And which one is true? I’m having a problem with truths. I tend to be black and white, literal and no gives. But I see the literal/absolute way brings me no happiness. I’m swaying, changing like the autumn leaves. I’m dropping/letting go the things that don’t serve me. They’re dropping slowly like teardrops. Afterall, change does hurt. It’s not a shame to cry.

Have you cried today? Is your world half empty or full? I am going to fill up now.

LEARNING & NOVELTY – Day 62 in a year of…

Posted on September 22, 2016 by hafong

Day 62, September 22, 2016 @6:05 pm

Day 62 finds me here a little earlier but I am depleted. I am fortifying myself with a few chocolates. Hope they can give me a little boost. I am a bit of a wimp. A few chores can tire me out. I’m trying to learn to be more efficient with my energy. Making changes in habits and routines can be exhausting as well as exhiliaring. The yin and the yang applies to everything.

September is the month of kids returning to school and learning. I find the changing of weather and the turning of the leaves a signal for me to change and learn, too. Today, I’m trying to be more open and flexible to the novelty in life. It’s not too much out of my comfort zone to cook a little differently. I’m Chinese, right? We stir fry anything and everything.

I have a couple of not too fresh cucumbers from the garden. It’s a squash/melon of a different sort. So why can’t I stir fry them? I also have tomatoes on hand and oh, lots of hot chili peppers and abundant luscious green pepper leaves. How about a carrot to take on some of hotness of the chili pepper? Slice and dice and into the frying pan they went. I’m happy and alive to say it was a culinary success though my tongue is still a little tingling from the pepper.

It is just a little change in my cooking. A little novelty in my day. I don’t have to do big or exciting. I’m not one for parachuting or bugee jumping. I can be thrilled by learning that I can do a little different each day. By doing so today, I learn that I have been doing it most of my life. What a surprise for me!

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: a year of change