THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD – day 119 in a year of…

Posted on November 21, 2016 by hafong

Day 119, November 21, 2016 @1:48 pm

Life is hard. The road stretches long, hard and cold before me. It is full of ruts and holes. If I’m not careful, I could sprain an ankle and/or fall down. It has happened before. Now I’m more alert and aware of where I’m going. In these short/long 119 days, I have at least learned not to waste my energy asking unanswerable questions. I will not be discouraged and disheartened by no answers. Wisdom comes in slow drops in the bucket. The bucket will fill eventually – if there are no leaks.

I cannot afford to leak out energy. So I must always nourish myself first regardless. Then I can tend to what’s out there. That is the law. That is my nature. If I am empty, I have nothing to give. Right now I’m slaking my thirst with a cup of tea, generously sweetened with honey. Sometimes I need a little extra. The world is filled with confusion and darkness. I see shadows and the malevolent everywhere. They waiting for me to trip and fall. I feel their presence but I am not afraid. I find solace in the words of the Divine.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

MY MAGIC BULLET – Day 118 in a year of…

Posted on November 20, 2016 by hafong

Day 118, November 20, 2016 @2:19 pm

I am sure that Sheba is the most photographed dog in the world. I can’t help capturing her multiple times in a day. She is my fur baby and she is pretty. She is darn smart, too. Those things have saved her from going to the dog pound. She was not an easy puppy. I was not a trained owner. We had a very rocky beginning.

She was destined to be mine so no amount of difficulty could separate us. We were stuck like glue. She could sit so pretty and look at me with those expressive eyes. She could shake a paw, then the other one. She could roll over, do the crawl. She could even pick up her leash and carry it over the doorway. She would do anything for food.

As a puppy she was full of zest, too much zest and so full of opinions. She was like the Lone Ranger thundering up and down the hills at the dog park. She was a bunny hopping in and out of the snow. She is still full of it. She could still thunder but only a short distance. But she is as vocal as ever. She’s gotten us into trouble numerous, numerous times being a black exuberant energetic dog who likes to jump and bark.

After ten years, she is somewhat obedient. I’m somewhat trained. We are still together after ten years. She is my magic bullet, keeping me safe and spirited. She gets me up and out even when I don’t want to. I have raised her from a 2 month puppy – a complete job. She is loved and exercised religiously. Though not obedient in some ways, she is perfect in others. She does not go on furniture or destroy them. She is exuberant and lavish in her loving. And she is barking now: Time to go to the park!

WITH THIS CUP – day 117 in a year of….

Posted on November 19, 2016 by hafong

Day 117, November 19, 2016 @2:01 pm

I’m fortifying myself with a cup of rose hip tea before descending into the depths of the basement. I am a chicken shit, scared of jacks in the boxes and things that go bump in the night. I’m hoping this sweet amber elixir will infuse me with courage. I gathered the hips at the lake at the end of summer. The tea is very subtle and delicious. I can taste the sunshine, spruce pine and the fresh breeze on my tongue. I’m feeling the softening of anxiety in the drop of my shoulders, the smoothing of the crease between my brows. I will be A ok.

I did small, small this morning. I rid one small box. It is not easy on a grey November day to stare into the debris of your life. It is never easy but it has to be done. Those scary Jacks in the box do not go away. They never go away on their own. I have to chase them out with a broom. My goal is to clear them for the New Year. It is Chinese custom to sweep the house clean for the coming year. You do it before, never on. It’s bad luck. You might sweep out the good with the bad.

My tea is finished. I am ready.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS – Day 116 in a year of…

Posted on November 18, 2016 by hafong

Day 116, November 18, 2016 @1:49 pm

I come to this space today in better mood and spirits. It helps that it is early afternoon and the sun lighting up the room. I’m encouraged that I’m almost a third through my journey. But then, this journey does not have an ending. I will still be on the road till I have reached my mortal end. Till then, I am obliged to struggle on. I am not daunted by it. I love journeys more than the destination for when I get there, I find that it’s not there.

On this 116th day, I find so many things have shifted for me since yesterday. I’m back to being the novice of learning. I’m listening and observing with an opened heart and mind. There is much wisdom in Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. I need to review them. They offer the possibility of personal freedom from suffering.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD. Speak only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.

~from the FOUR AGREEMENTS

LEARNING TO LIVE – day 114 and 115 in a year of…

Posted on November 17, 2016 by hafong

Day 114 and 115, November 17, 2016 @7:25 pm

As the day ebbs into afternoon and evening, I feel my energy and my spirit go likewise. I remind myself that’s the nature of my body and mind sometimes. The day is getting shorter. The night casting longer shadows. I tell myself not to lose heart and do not beat myself up. I can fake it till I make it. It works to act and behave in a desirable manner. I have a choice of how to behave for a desired outcome.

I’m sitting here with my keyboard to tap out a few words. It’s not what l’m liking to do now, but it is my choice. It would be so easy to just curl up and pull the blanket over my head. I feel a bit of the early Christmas blues coming on. Are you feeling it – the what to do’s, the what to give and to whom, the how to celebrate and who with? These are all squirming beneath the surface. But now I’ve brought them up on top.

Today, I saw the ‘blues’ in our waiter at a restaurant. The normally energetic, bubbly young man was quiet and clearly not happy. He was subdued and polite, apologizing in whispers for our long wait. I felt so much for him. I wanted to ask if he was alright. I did not, respecting him. I wondered if I have absorbed his energy. I tend to do that. That is my nature.

I’m sitting, tapping and being aware of my nature. I’m talking with the Lord. It is comforting with each tap on a key. I’m learning from my spiritual teachers. I’m learning to sit and be still with my discomfort. I’m learning about choices – what is significant and what is not. I’m learning to live.

SLOTHING – day 113 in a year of…..

Posted on November 15, 2016 by hafong

Day 113, November 15, 2016 @6:54 pm

The morning was bright and shiny, though a bit frosty. It’s when I feel the best. Hard to explain but my body is the happiest on bright sunny cold days. I was happy to sloth the morning away in the toasty warmth of my sunroom. Some days I can do more by doing less. November is the month I claim for my own to lay down the striving and the judgement. It is my month of letting go and rest in the quiet. It is so restful. Can you hear it?

LOST IN SPACE – day 112 in a year of….

Posted on November 14, 2016 by hafong

Day 112, November 14, 2016 @5:10 pm

I feel lost in space after spending these many days digging within, sorting and purging the not real, not necessary and not desired. I have more room in my head and all around. I am unfamiliar to this spaciousness. I am not comfortable in the less. Give me back my tumultuous thoughts! Let me cling to my well- worn baggage. They have been my travelling companions for a long time.

Yes, I crave for the familiar though dysfunctional. I am an addict to what feels good yet harmful. I must go through my delirium tremens. I have been in training all these months to strengthen my physical core – the squats, jumping jacks, and the toughest of all, the burpee and the plank. When I’m burping, I’m not sure I can get up. Yet I do each time. I fear each time when I get up, the room will spin out of control. It never happens. I am building a strong core.

I will observe this lost in space feeling. I will let my body feel its sensations. It is like doing a burpee. I get up and I am standing tall.

ONCE UPON A TIME -day 111 in a year of…

Posted on November 13, 2016 by hafong

Day 111, November 13, 2016 @5:09 pm

Words come easy. Words come hard. They come different on different days, caught up in the nuance of where I’ve been. I have been lost in thoughts and not in real time today. The words are tumbling in my mind/head like clothes in the dryer barrel. Now sorting and excavating them is challenging. But I’ve always loved challenges.

NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month of writing a novel of 50,000 words is too much for me though. That is why I’m here pecking out my few words daily. I have no fairy tales to tell. This is an exercise in purging what is not true or desirable. It’s difficult and painful though it may not be visible to the reader. I struggle coming to the keyboard every day.

Some days I don’t make it. That’s how it is. That’s how we are. I’m learning and understanding about our human nature. I don’t feel as guilty for my short comings. I don’t punish myself as much. I try again and again to come back to what is true. Our stories, our struggles are important to tell. They are gifts to be shared. We see that we are all the same. We all struggle. We all suffer. We all have ‘the soft animal of your body’ in Mary Oliver ‘s poem, Wild Geese. We can connect in our vulnerability.

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME – Day 110 in a year of….

Posted on November 12, 2016 by hafong

Day 110, November 12, 2-16 @ 5:18 pm

When I come to this space or anywhere, I speak for myself, of myself only. It’s all about me. Sometimes I even have trouble knowing my true self, so how can I speak for or of anyone else? In the same vein, I can only change myself. I can only change the things I do not like about myself. I can’t do a darn thing about what I don’t like about other people, things and events. But changing myself can cause a chain of other changes. My aha moment of the moment.

The world was too much with/for me today. There wasn’t a thing I could do about it. I couldn’t change the brilliance of the sun. I couldn’t make people be quiet. I couldn’t….I couldn’t. So I went within myself, quieted my thoughts, slowed down my breathing and let go of the world. I listened to the voice of Jon Kabat-Zinn as he guided me through the body scan.

KNITTING UP LOOSE ENDS – day 109 in a year of…

Posted on November 11, 2016 by hafong

Day 109, November 11, 2016 @6:18 pm

Another gorgeous sunny November day after all the grey days in October. I have to be grateful. I am. I am just a little irritable and at loose ends. That’s what happens when you have a late evening and missing a few hours of early sleep. It’s a sign that I’m not a young pup any more. My body is not quite as flexible and forgiving. But the company and conversations were worth it.

I languished on my love seat, soaking up the sun. In the afternoon, I packed up Sheba and headed off to the dog park. Everybody and their dog did the same thing. Cars lined up and out. Dogs and their people galore. It was not a peaceful, joyous outing for me. I tried my best but packs of dogs and people make for trouble. I got the heck out of there after one loop around .

I was not brave today. I did not tackle another Pandora’s Box. I rested my nerves, gathering up odd balls of yarn I found yesterday. Why don’t I knit them up into a blanket? A voice in my head said. Knit one, purl one. The sound and rhythm of knitting needles would soothe and smooth me. All the odd balls would be knitted into one funky multi coloured blanket. Why had I not thought of it before? Let’s do it. Let’s knit life’s loose ends into a rainbow.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: a year of change