I think I am uncomfortable with the emptiness of spaciousness. Hence all my clutter. It’s not that I am a hoarder. It’s not that my house is jammed full of stuff. I have pockets of stuff here and there. My desk, diningroom table, sewing table, coffee tables…There’s a common theme here. Tables! Things do not get thrown out or put away. I have an inability of finishing tasks. They are sitting out, waiting for me to come back. It is the same way with a trip. I love the tripping but I don’t want to get to the end. It’s when I get there, what will I do? That is the discomfort, the emptiness, the unknown. Then the unknown is forced upon me because a trip does end.

How silly is that fear and whence did it come? There are no answers to some questions so I shall not waste time mulling it over. I let the feeling come and work through it. Now when I start something, I try to finish it in a reasonable timeline. I work on it with simple tasks. When the dishes are done, I dry and put them away. I hang up the laundry after it is finished. When it is dried, I take them down, fold and put them away. I haven’t made great strides but I do feel a change. It took a lot of effort at first. The inclination to leave things for ‘later’ was so strong. It’s much easier than. There’s almost a pleasure in completing a job and doing it well.

I have the same aversion to ’empty time’, too. It is uncomfortable/strange to do nothing. I am always doing something, reading, writing, drawing, cooking…..It’s not that I can do nothing now. I just do fewer things. I do things slower. I make more time for slow walks, slow baths, sleeping in a bit. I’m getting back to more how I used to be. I used to be able to sit, sip tea and just listen to CBC radio and do nothing else. There was time for my brain to rest. There was time for me to feel the pleasure of just being. Now I am almost afraid of empty time and spaciousness. It is time for recovery and retrieval.

LOST IN SPACE – day 112 in a year of….

Day 112, November 14, 2016 @5:10 pm

I feel lost in space after spending these many days digging within, sorting and purging the not real, not necessary and not desired.  I have more room in my head and all around.  I am unfamiliar to this spaciousness.  I am not comfortable in the less.  Give me back my tumultuous thoughts!  Let me cling to my well- worn baggage.  They have been my travelling companions for a long time.

Yes, I crave for the familiar though dysfunctional.  I am an addict to what feels good yet harmful.  I must go through my delirium tremens.  I have been in training all these months to strengthen my physical core – the squats, jumping jacks, and the toughest of all, the burpee and the plank. When I’m burping, I’m not sure I can get up.  Yet I do each time.  I fear each time when I get up, the room will spin out of control.  It never happens.  I am building a strong core.

I will observe this lost in space feeling.  I will let my body feel its sensations.  It is like doing a burpee.  I get up and I am standing tall.