MONDAY – ANTIDOTES FOR A CLOUDY DAY

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The day feels wintry without the sun. I am glad that I had my online class on Mussolini to focus on this morning. It is a cloudy day and the world is full of troubles. It would be easy to fall into the rabbit hole but I think it is already occupied. It seems like we have a resident rabbit in the yard. We’ve seen numerous tracks in the snow over the winter. We had 2 sightings of it yesterday, dashing across the garden in the morning. In the afternoon it was sitting by the pile of woodchips, perfectly still and pretty as you please.

It came to attention when I was taking its picture. The ears perked up and the head turned towards me. I thought it was rather plump so must have had a good winter. Then someone pointed out it could be a she and pregnant. If so, I wonder where the babies would be. On googling I find that rabbits make shallow holes under the ground to make a nest for birthing. I shall have to keep an eye out for bunnies in the yard.

A cool cloudy day calls for comfort food. A stew from a left over beef roast is the perfect answer. A few celery stick, carrots and potatoes thrown in the Instant Pot during the class break and dinner was ready before noon. The sun did make a showing as the day pass. It took awhile for the greenhouse to heat up. It was 4.7℃ there at 7:19 am. Outside it was -4℃. Now it is 4:30 in the afternoon. The sun is still out and it is 7℃. The greenhouse is 25℃. I did not open any vents today. wanting to keep the heat in for the night. I took pleasure standing in its heat and light to brighten my day. Today I needed a little extra help. The Buddhas are sitting on guard outside, waiting patiently for the first showing of garlic.

A KRISTOFFERSON MORNING

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It’s Sunday morning coming down again. Sundays always remind me of Kris Kristofferson’s song and days of my youth. I’ve never had those kind of mornings, not that I could remember anyways. Wait, there was a time way back in my first year of university. It was on my roommate’s birthday. We decided to celebrate everyone’s birthday. She got hold of a 26 of something and we caught the bus downtown to see the movie, The Best House in London. It really didn’t take too much to put me in a whooze. I don’t remember a thing about the movie. We had to leave as I was feeling sick. We caught the bus back to our boarding house. By then I was feeling better but my roommate had passed out. The bus driver and a guy from my history class carried her off and set her under a tree in front.

A sunnywindy and cooler morning. It was -1℃ when I got up at 6:30. It was about 6.8℃ in the greenhouse. It has warmed to 0 and 9.5℃ respectively. It is a little after 10 am. I won’t uncover things yet. I’m hoping that I haven’t overwatered my seedings yesterday. They might rot instead of sprout. That’s what happens when you watched or read too much about how to seed. I get mixed up. When things are working well enough, leave them alone.

I’ve been paying attention to my talk/tap, my gripe on my chaos and disorganization. I’ve talked about all that forever and a day but have I done anything about it? I have a bit here and there. Then I fall off the wagon and seldom get back on. I did climb back this morning. Now, I have to climb back as soon as I fall off. Failures like everything else can get addictive. I am an addictive person. I have to pay attention that I don’t get hooked. Too much of a good/bad thing is not good for me.

SATURDAY CHAOS

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I seem in live in such chaos though I try so hard for order. Maybe it is only so in my head. I was in such a fluster this morning when I couldn’t find my cheque book. Now if I would only get my shit together and take the time and trouble to get organized, I could be more tranquil. Easier said than done though, right? Not really. I recognize my problem, moan and groan about it but I don’t make a physical move to rectify it. But I did find my cheque book, made it out and mailed it. I could learn how to use E-Transfer in the future and dispense with the cheques altogether.

It is afternoon, 4:50 pm to be exact. Not the best time of the day for me. I have prioritize and got the important things done first. Morning walk with the mister to the mall up the street. I got the said cheque mailed, bought soy sauce, yogurt, vitamins and sunblock. I was tired by the time we got home. Walking seemed to use a different set of leg muscles than skiing. I was unpacking my bag and looking forward to my second cup of tea when I noticed I was missing the sunblock. Phoning the store, I learned that I had dropped it near the cashier when I was packing it. Darn!

It seemed like a wasted morning walk but I drove to retrieve it. It was so quick and easy. I could see why people/me opted for the easy solution. Heck with walking. I’ll just drive everywhere. Seriously, I was just tired. Walking is good. It’s never wasted. Driving back, I saw a not so young woman carrying 2 bags of groceries and walking home. That shamed and corrected my thinking. Life is hard. It’s good to see people doing the right things.

It’s another beautiful sunny day. The greenhouse was 9.5℃ at 6 am. I think it was 4℃ outside. No need to cover the plants but I don’t trust the weather yet. I seeded a few more things today – Big Beef Tomato, Roma Tomato, some purple sweet pepper and brokali. Seems like I have so many things to sow. I hope I get to reap what I sow. Now It is after 5pm. I better go and cover and close up the greenhouse. Better early rather than late.

FRIDAY – SO FAR AWAY

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I just came back from our morning walk. We miss our skis in the park dearly. I miss the snow and cold air. They’re all so invigorating. I don’t feel as well physically, therefore also emotionally in hot weather. I will try not to moan too much. But have you noticed how warm this March is? Yesterday the forecast was 8℃ for a high. It went up to 14℃. This morning I woke up to 4℃ outside and 9℃ in the greenhouse at 6 am. Holy cats! No climate change, eh?

It’s not that I’m unhappy spring is here. It could be a slower transition so my body can adjust. It’s such a jolt. One week I’m skiing, the next I feel like it’s bathing suit season. However, it is good for our greenhouse. Already now at 11:30 am the temperature inside is 25℃. I’ve opened up 3 vents to the 2nd notch and the temperature still rose. I can see that we will have some greens for a salad soon. And the possibility of tomatoes in June a reality.

It is after supper now. My afternoon disappeared. I’m returning to close up the conversation. What is there to say? I spent the time away doing a little sewing a quilt square and sowing more seeds. I gave myself a break and a lazy soak in the bath and listening to the podcast White Coat, Black Art. It was on Bill C -7 to expand access to medical assistance in dying. As soon as I stepped out of the tub, I got a message from the 5th uncle in NYC. My third uncle has just passed away. He was 93. Could I tell my mother. He couldn’t get through on the phone.

I feel so sad. We are so far away. It reminded me of when my grandmother died so many years ago. My parents and my brother and sister were living in New York at the time. It was just me alone here in Saskatoon, going to the University of Saskatchewan. I went there for Christmas. It was my 3rd uncle who met me at the airport. He said to me in the car, Your grandmother has passed. I fought back the tears and the lump in my throat. I hate displaying emotions. I was a little angry nobody told me before then. They did not want it to interfere with my studies. The funeral was already done.

THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS

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March 18th, 2021. I woke at 6 am to 0℃ outside and 4℃ in the greenhouse. Funny how the temperatures dip around 8 to -1℃ and 3.4℃ before going up again. Now they are 2℃ and 5.4℃. I’m still being a weatherman. I find if I don’t record things, they are easily forgotten. I should really do a gardening journal. Maybe soon. Famous last words, eh?

I’ve done a bit of sewing this morning. A little will do me. I find that if I make a start on something, even a teeny one, I have more success of completing it. I do get overwhelmed with the big of everthing. Breaking the big into bits and pieces work. I’ve got most of my flowers seeded yesterday. I had laid out the seed packs the day before. Sometimes I just can’t get to things. Appointments, dates with friends and fatigue interfere. They are important but it is also important to return to the task at hand.

I finally threw out the last of Sheba’s kibbles yesterday. It was still sitting in the pail in the kitchen. It’s 10 months since my fur baby went to dog heaven. Time to let some of this stuff go but I can’t help tearing and choking up a bit. It’s the memories, lost and the realization you can’t hold on forever. Our lives are finite. It is the natural order of things.We each will have our turn. We learn, accept and let go. I had 14 wonderful years with her.

A lot of the snow is gone. The little monk sits exposed in sunshine. He’s been watching over the herb spiral all through the winter. He has done a good job. Most of the herbs have survived – the rosemary, thymes, moss, oregano and chocolate mint. I must also do my duty, walk my walk and live my best life.

SELF PEP TALK

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March 17th, Wednesday morning. It’s almost 9 am. The sun is weak like tepid tea. I am, too. No get up and go. I sit, sip and tap. There’s no need to rush off to anything. I used to like to sew my quilt blocks in the early morning. It was still in the winter dark. I would turn on my feel good bright lamp, the radio and the fireplace. It was cosy and comforting, stitching up, cutting and ironing. All the while I’m listening to what is happening in Saskatchewan.

Now that the sun is rising earlier I rather sit and bask in its bright or not so bright light. I’ve had my fill of listening to the radio, especially the news. It’s all about the Covid, the vaccines and side effects. Have you noticed that all conversations are about that? It is all so very heavy and fatiguing. And yet we can’t seem to talk about anything else. Our National news is the same. The whole hour mostly focused on that, night after night for a whole year now. Oh, Donald Trump and the U. S. election did break through. But what about the rest of the world, the rest of life?

I am getting rather comfortable in my little bubble. I am happy with sewing my quilt squares, starting seedlings and messing and checking up in the greenhouse. I am reluctant to venture out. A trip to Costco was a major deal in my head. I had to take the guy with me. When we got there, it was no big deal. He was handy in pushing the cart and unloading things into the car. I feel I always struggled with bulky and weighty packages. Even visits with my parents feels big and problematic. I would have to do some head and mind clearing first. What a sad sack I am, heh?

My first vaccine shot is about 2 weeks away. I think I will head back to the gym and pool a couple of weeks after that. I miss the challenge of physical activity. It is the best medicine for my physical and mental health. It’s a-get-out-of-the-house prod. Being dour by nature, I have to work very hard to be in a good mental space. It’s a good thing. I have something to do all the time. I could not very well stay in a puddle or down the rabbit hole. I’m a very slow learner. I’m slow at everything but like the tortoise I can win some races.

Here’s my autobiography by Portia Nelson:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
It isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am.
I get out immediately.
IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V.
I walk down a different street.

INSIDE AND OUTSIDE

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Tuesday, March 16th. There was a dip in temperature overnight. I slept in till 7:30. The ground and air looked frosty. It was -9℃. I checked the greenhouse temperature. It was .3℃. Then it dipped to .2℃ momentarily close to 8 am. Funny how it does that every morning before it rises again. Now it is 10:15 am. The greenhouse is 8℃ while the outside temperature is -6℃. Tomorrow’s forecast is for high of 5, then 9, 13, 11 for the following days. I hope that the temperature will stay stable without extreme dips and climbs. But that’s being hopeful. Still, I wish it.

I’m feeling somewhat like the weather. It is true what Caroline Myss says, “And as it happens on the outside world,  it impacts what happens in our inside world – because we’re part of these events. We’re the engine of these events.” I’ve been listening and reading her words and others for years now. I’ve taken a vacation away from all that during this Covid time. I needed the silence and time to listen to myself. Now perhaps I can venture back. I will find time to watch this episode of her new Reflections series.

MONDAY AFTERNOON TEA CHAT

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It’s Monday afternoon tea time. What I need is a cup of strong java. I’m as sleepy as can be. It was a job getting the lunch dishes done. I want to throw myself in bed and sleep the afternoon away. It’s not that I was up all night. It’s still that damn spring fatigue. I have to really work to stay awake, upright and moving. It’s totally ugly!

I can’t believe it’s +7℃ out right now. It’s March 15, technically still winter. It doesn’t end till March 20th. The snow is melting and disappearing fast. Cross country skiing seemed a lifetime ago, though I was still out just a few days ago. The greenhouse is heating up fast. It was in the pluses overnight, 7℃ at 6 am. We had to open 2 vents at noon when it went up to 29.5℃. The greens are popping up and the tomatoes are doing well.

I started some of the tomatoes in February. Some thought I was jumping the gun but I think I’m right on. I’ve been doing successive seeding but I need to get a move on with them. It’s the middle of the month already. I should have done the geraniums and petunias. I should have finished my seed orders in January or February. I didn’t but they’re in last night. I have enough seeds on hand for most things except for the sweet peppers. Well, I do have a greenhouse. They can be late.

I was timely getting online with booking my Covid-19 vaccine. My appointment is April 3. It was relatively easy and quick. I didn’t have to wait long. Now let’s hope there will be enough vaccine then. Lucky I was online and checking my emails. I had a reminder about my Monday online class on Mussolini, March 15th – May 3rd. It was starting in 20 minutes! So happy I didn’t miss it. It was very interesting. I didn’t have the same interest or understanding when I was younger. This was my first virtual class. I miss the social aspects of the in person classes of the past but this is better at holding my attention and interest. Plus, I don’t have to take the bus or park the car. That’s a real plus.

PANCAKE SUNDAY

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It’s 10 am Sunday. 5℃ outside, 9℃ in the greenhouse. It was 4.3℃ at 7:30 this morning. I can leave things uncovered at night. But it would be just my luck that the temperature would plunge if I did that. I will be patient and careful till April. It will be good exercise walking back and forth to the greenhouse now that my ski season is over. I will keep up with the routines to keep my head and heart healthy.

Sundays are for bacon, eggs and sourdough pancakes. For a moment I had thought today was Saturday but then I remembered our breakfast. Where would we be without these time reminders? And Saturdays used to be swim mornings and breakfast at A&W after once or twice a month. Saturdays used to be dusting chores when I was a child. I had to do some laundry, too. That was before we had a washing machine. I learned to use a washboard and to rub the cloth between my hands. My mother was preparing me for when she had to go to the hospital to have my little brother. Even though my grandmother came to stay during that time, I was expected to do the chores.

My mother prepped me well for life. I know how to keep house, mend and sew, pay bills and not live beyond my means. I never had to cook though. I guess I learned from observation and trial and error when out on my own. Her passion for us was education. She made sure we had time for homework and studies. She only had the opportunity of Grade 3 in China but she never stopped learning. I guess I got the bug from her. If something catches my interest, I’m off investigating and experimenting. That’s how I got into the sourdough. It was a year or two before the Covid-19. It started with just a bit of water and flour. Thank goodness for Google and the generosity of people who want to share their knowledge. The little bits of water and flour grew and tranformed into loaves and pancakes. It’s somewhat magical. You can learn anything if you have a mind to.

A SLOW BAKE SATURDAY

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It’s Saturday morning shining down. I woke to a plus 1.5℃ in the greenhouse. It is now 2.9℃ and -3℃ outside at 9 am. I’m sounding like a weather station, aren’t I? I’m recording history, not trusting my memory. I’m at that age now where I have to put my medications in a pill box organizer. I’m at that age when tying my shoe laces and clipping my toe mails are also a problem. I have to rely on my wits and not my physical agility. Too bad I can’t have both at the same time.

Saturday morning. I used to go swimming Saturday mornings not so long ago. It’s a has been. Then I took up the skis. Now it will be another has been until next winter or the next snowfall. I wonder if I can be as enthusiastic and dedicated on a bicycle. I’m not skilled, agile or at home on it at tall. I even fell off a tricycle once. I used to walk Sheba every day. Now I’m walking my fingers on the keyboard. I’m still exercising.

It is Saturday morning. I’m slow but not quite at a standstill. I couldn’t talk myself into tackling my sourdough tout suite upon wakening as I had planned the night before. But it is divided, folded, shaped into 2 loaves. They are dusted with cornstarch, wrapped and chilling in the fridge. They will be baked after my regular loaves this afternoon or evening. It is going to be a slow bake Saturday. Now for my second cup of tea.