About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

AM I HAVING FUN YET?

Posted on November 23, 2021 by hafong

Day 23 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and day 3 of my daily ski and day 2 of my daily cleaning and decluttering. Am I having fun yet? Yes and no. When words come easily off the tips of my fingers, it is fun. Not so much when I have to struggle for every thought and sentence. I don’t care much for proofreading and editing. I force myself because sometimes I can think faster than I can tap. Yesterday I caught a few omissions and errors. Good thing my patience and discipline are improving. Sometimes good enough is not good enough.

Am I having fun yet? I had a wee rest after lunch. I worked steady and early this morning, wasting no time. I stirred my scrap apple vinegar fermenting on the dining room table. It’s my second batch. I quite like it as a substitute for regular vinegar. Mostly I use it for cleaning. I put a bit in a spray bottle with water. I spritz it on my mop to damp mop my hardwood floors. I also use it on my dust cloth for dusting furniture, etc. It leaves everything shiny and with a pleasant scent. Then I fed Oscar, my sourdough starter. I like to get the daily things done and out of the way. When I procrastinate, sometimes they don’t get done at all. It’s no fun falling behind and having catching up.

After breakfast I did a quick dusting in our bedroom followed by damp mopping of the floors. Then we hit the ski trail at the park. I did 3 laps around the park, working up a sweat. Was I having fun yet? Not quite but almost. Not sure if I got my ski legs back yet. I am slow as a tortoise. No kick and glide yet. Have to review techniques on YouTube again. At least I haven’t regressed. I could do double poling. No falling down today. My boots got on and off the skis like a damn. No struggle like last year. I won’t win any races soon but I’m burning calories.

The sun has disappeared. I will have to set out to put the greenhouse to bed soon. Without the heater, the low in there today was -1.8℃ this morning at 8:30. The high 8.6℃ at 3pm. All the greens are doing well. I cover them with row covers for the night and uncover in the morning when sun comes up and temp. above freezing. We’ll see what happens when the temps dip toward 20 and below at night. This is our first winter. I don’t think it will be fun covering and uncovering in the depth of December and January. I might take a break from it till February or March.

MOOD SWINGS

Posted on November 22, 2021 by hafong

Day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. 8 more days. I can do it. It has become a habit again. These days my mood can turn on a dime. It’s better to pound on the keyboard than on someone. Not that anyone has given me any reason, but you know how it is. It is the question of which comes first – the chicken or the egg. In the case of moods, is it the mood or is it the stimulus. You are on the edge. Then along comes the straw that broke the camel’s back. Kapow!**

I’ve been wary and vigilant though. In these moments I try to keep calm and not behave like my usual old self. I try to use the not-so-good vibes toward decluttering and cleaning. It’s a good tool and choice of activity for me. It’s what our mothers used to do to de-stress. It’s what I used to do, too, but somehow have lost the habit. Cleanliness no longer was next to godliness. They both got tossed aside for sometimes meaningless scrolling through social media and the Internet. Regardless of how I got here, I’m turning back to more hands-on living.

It’s not easy to change back, let me tell you. In the middle of my cleaning this morning, I got more depressed and wasted. There’s so much clutter and so much dust. I felt pale and drained just thinking about it and seeing what laid before me. I had to console myself. I tell myself that if I just sort out one small box, it will be enough. That did the trick. I dug in, cleared some dust and a box. What I learn today is:

baskets and boxes are hazards for hanging onto things forever.
I have trouble throwing out pens.
I can clean and declutter faster than I think I can.
cleaning and decluttering can be enjoyable.
I can control which way I swing.
I can be a clear bug as well as a cluttered one.

I shall dedicate the rest of the month to doing more cleaning and clearing daily. 8 days are do-able. Then I shall set a new schedule. Baby steps doesn’t work for me. And I hate that phrase. Not enough time left for baby steps. I have to take giant leaps forward. Onward ho!

CHALLENGES and the PANDEMIC

Posted on November 21, 2021 by hafong

November 21, day 21 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m writing for day 20 as well. I’ve missed a day. Instead of struggling to make up, I am doing two in one. It is good enough. It’s my version of the Persian flaw. A Persian flaw is an expression to mean ‘a deliberate mistake’. Apparently originating from this ancient tale that Persian rug makers used to intentionally weave a flaw into each of their carpets because only a god’s creation is supposed to be perfect. I do struggle with a bit of perfectionism. Don’t we all?

There are no greater challenges facing us today than the pandemic and climate change. Yes, we’ve heard all this kind of stuff before. We seem to be slow learners. We can’t seem to take it in or seriously until we are hit over the head with it. Do we take it seriously now? Apparently not for some. There’s still the pandemic deniers and conspiracy theorists. For some, our ‘freedom’ is much more important than our lives. I live close to that someone. He has been hospitalized with Covid and is one of those transported to a hospital down east. There is no news of his outcome. We walk by his house regularly enroute to the park. The blinds are always drawn. The house looks lifeless and forlorn.

Still, his followers and supporters are not voicing any change of hearts or minds. It is very puzzling for me to understand. Why would governments, scientists and the medical community world wide make up all this. What would they gain? Why do people believe Facebook posts, etc. more than legitimate sources? And are there any real information or is everything fake news? It is too much for me to grapple with so I try not to spend too much energy trying to understand or sway anyone. It is not that I am indifferent. It is that I know I am helpless and ineffectual in this arena.

My experience has taught me that I am not good at looking at things from all sides. I see mostly from my own eyes and my own thinking. That has been my big challenge. But I am slowly beginning to change, how to see and think outside my head – to be that fly on the wall. It is difficult to be objective and not take things personally. There’s too much of everything – social media, misinformation, choices and STUFF. My challenge is to quiet down, do less and accomplish more, less criticism and judgement, etc. etc. etc.

My most immediate challenges are getting my plants in from the greenhouse. And then there’s finding places for them all. Much as I like gardening and playing with dirt, I can’t say it was fun. BUT the 3 bougainvilleas are pruned and squished into 1 pot. ‘Cause honestly, where would I find room for 3 big pots? They don’t have to thrive, just stay alive till spring. They and the pots of rosemary, lavender and geraniums are huddled besides me along with my other junk. The ‘junk’ is another challenge for me. Life is just full of them.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Posted on November 20, 2021 by hafong

It’s day 19 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am not sure I’m up to it. Life is heavy. So many weighty things. On the Covid front, the death of a 36 year old woman from Yorkton at home. The whole family tested positive – 41 year old husband and 6 kids. How could that be that they didn’t know they could go to the hospital? A strange and troubling story. The state of emergency caused by flooding in British Columbia. No climate change, eh? Then to top it off, I read the story of Kyle Rittenhouse’s not guilty verdict. This is the world we’re living in today. Is there hope? What can I do?

I can not give in to despair. I can not add to the negativity. What I did was taking time out. I did not finish this post yesterday. I left and emptied my head and mind of more news and thoughts. Sometimes I have to do that for self preservation. The movie Downton Abbey, while it wasn’t as good as the series, was a good distraction. I had thoughts of returning to this space after the movie but decided it was not a good idea. Sometimes space is the best remedy.

Now, I’m back to pick up the words. I have no favourite blogs that I follow except Suddenly Mad . It’s Minna Packer’s journey through early onset Alzheimer’s disease. She’s an artist and had taught art in a New York university. We haven’t met but communicated through her blog. I stumbled upon her blog in her later stages of the disease. We both wished we had known each other sooner. Her posts became fewer and further apart. Her last one being on May 22, 2021. I still check her site regularly to see if… I do not know what to hope for her. I’m selfish. I do want to read another post. I’ve learned much from her writing.

What I follow more are YouTube Channels for sustainability living, gardening, permaculture – everything that can improve and help us live better lives. My favourite channel has to be Kirsten Dirksen. Her videos have shown me that there are so many gifted people out there doing amazing things. We have the talent and the know how. Now if we can get a collective desire. One of my favourite is about a homeless man by choice. But perhaps this one I watched this morning is more applicable in showing how we can change our thinking.

NOT SO HARD AFTER ALL

Posted on November 18, 2021 by hafong

Day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am suffering a little winter and what-have-you fatigue. The only music in my head today is “the day the music died“. It’s a line from Don McLean’s song Miss American Pie. The song is about the day Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and J. P. Richardson died in a plane crash on Feb. 3, 1959. It’s an interesting story and a fascinating song. I still have the LP American Pie. On this November day, it reminded me of the day JFK was assassinated. We will never know the truths of the assassination or the song.

I’m not exactly a cheerful bunny today, am I? It’s probably a hangover from yesterdays’s grumpiness not helped with the bad world news creeping in. Today I recognized it as a seasonal-affective-disorder sign and that I should take it easy. Every little thing could be that straw that broke the camel’s back and blast me into outer space. It’s taken me this long to wisen up. When the guy said he was going skiing this morning, I said I’m not. Even though I got all new ski equipment and snow pants, my mind and body wasn’t all that excited. It’s good to have some slow and alone time.

Days like this are so taxing. I’m very very slow today. I must need it and so I listened to my body and mind. I read a romance novel this morning and heated a frozen pizza for lunch. Makes doing dishes easy – 2 plates, 2 forks and knives into the dishwasher. Just a pizza pan to wash by hand. Easy is good once in awhile. I don’t have to be Wonder Woman every day. Not to lose the whole day to idleness, I coaxed myself downstairs to finish shortening my snow pants. It was agonizing at first but once started, I had to finish, right? It is finished and now I can say, it wasn’t so hard after all. And my butt will be warm once I do get out skiing.

WHAT’S FUN, WHAT’S NOT

Posted on November 17, 2021 by hafong

It’s Day 17 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m here to talk about having fun. I’m not sure what kind of conversation we will have. I’m a serious type and not into fun at all, at least not the type most people think of. On top of that, I’m as cranky as can be at the moment. But if we were to have ‘coffee’ together, it would help. That’s the kind of fun I like to have. I’m not into gregarinous, belly laughing, cheer leading type of fun. I don’t like participating in team sports. I hate pickle ball. I could go for bowling but not the competitive team kind of thing. See, I’m no fun at all.

I enjoy solitary pursuits, competing only with myself. What do I mean? Well, I took up swimming at a late age. It was on a list of things I want to do along with riding a bike. I have no natural skills for either. I took Red Cross swimming lessons as a very matured adult. It took me a whole summer to learn to float. I have mastered it, then the front crawl, then swimming one pool length along the edge so that I can grab on at any moment. Now I can swim 20 lengths in an hour. Learning a skill is ‘fun’ to me. Mastering the bicycle was no easy task either. I’m still not at home in the saddle but I’ve ridden up and down some steep streets in Lake Havasu the year we spent a winter month in Arizona. I huffed and puffed on the way up and screamed all the way down. I was proud of myself none the less. I would ride more if there was less traffic. Traffic in my hood is no fun.

I’m feeling more mellow now. The coffee and tapping are helping. Writing agrees with me. It is fun. I love putting words and pictures together. I don’t know which comes first. Maybe both at once. They’re competing with each other. It works for me. Obviously I love having ‘coffee’ and this time together. And I dislike everything about Covid, especially not being together physically for our coffee. I miss my Saturday morning swims and breakfast at A&W afterwards. Everything changes. The good times will come again.

SNOW FALLING ON CEDARS

Posted on November 16, 2021 by hafong

Day 16 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The sky is grey and snow is coming down. I’ve forgotten how grey and dreary November can be. The snow is welcome. It will brighten up the landscape. I am remembering another scene – of snow falling on the cedars. They were really spruce trees but they’re close enough. The phrase had caught and stuck in my head after seeing the movie. The cedars/spruce are gone. I’m missing them today. It’s nostalgia for those trees and what has past.

The trees are gone and Sheba also. I’m remembering and missing her today. She loved nosing and messing around and under the spruce trees winter or summer. She didn’t mind the snow or cold. We were out almost every day in all kinds of weather. We were as regular and dependable as the mailman.

The snow is still falling but not on the cedars. It is a good day for tapping out the memories. It is a good day for eating spicy pumpkin chili, drinking hot chocolate and curling up with a good book. Maybe later I can coax myself downstairs and finish shortening my new snow pants. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day for cross-country skiing.

ON ADVERSITY

Posted on November 15, 2021 by hafong

It’s day 15th, the half way mark, of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It feels like forever. I’m counting again. Today we are talking about adversity. It’s a topic that I’m sure all of us are familiar with. It’s the running mate of stress. We encounter it as soon as we step out the door. It is defined as:

“Adversity is a state of hardship, difficulty, or misfortune that one deals with in life. There are six types of adversity that one can face, and facing adversities in life can break or make a person. It may lead one person to improve their life by finding ways around their challenges, or it may lead another person to turn to drugs or alcohol to lessen the psychological toll that their hardships cause.”

The 6 types are physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual and financial. I’m sure I’ve gone through the whole lot. I would like to think adversity made me instead of broken me. Breaking may be the first step in mending and healing. And who is to say we aren’t the stronger for it. I met physical adversity very young, at age 2. I suffered severe burn to my left arm up to the elbow. It took a long time to heal ending in a huge scar. I remember my memory of the incident and bicycle trips to the doctor. But I do not have memory of the physical pain. I have full function of my arm but suffered body image pain in my adolescence. I wore long sleeves even in the heat of summer. I got over it when I went into nursing.

I guess I can lump the mental, emotional and social aspects into one. I can see how all those things developed. I never ‘saw’ my father till I was 6. And I was a stranger in a strange land at age 8, having immigrated to Canada. There were only 2 other Chinese families in our town. Then my parents moved to NYC and I decided to stay and start university in Saskatoon. I felt a deep loneliness even though I had 3 roommates, 2 from my hometown. I don’t think adversities are all ‘bad’. It is just how life developed and was. They added textures to my life. They are giving me something to talk about for this post.

I did suffered depression in adulthood and sought medical and psychological help. Who haven’t? Life is f**ing hard. Nursing is a hard profession. We do eat our young. Women do not always make good managers then. At least not some I’ve encountered. They did not help nor have compassion. Rather they slice you open and cut you off at the knees. I’m only speaking of my own personal experience. I’m none the worse for wear though. I stayed in it for over 30 years. I know I loved my work. I would not have stayed otherwise, not for any amount of money.

Have I told you before that I almost flunked out of nursing training? Well, I almost did. I was going through a bad marriage, worried about money, had a part time job and was not cutting it on my clinical. I can’t remember what I had done wrong but on an evening shift my instructor told me I was flunking. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I told her I quit. I had to stay behind after the shift. We had a long talk. She had to give me a ride home that evening because my ride was long gone. She told me I still have time to pull up my socks but I had to quit my part time job. The school would help me get a loan. I pulled up my socks and graduated.

I’m proud to say that I don’t lack in spirituality. I’m tenacious. I’ve always had the faith in myself and the world. Adversity have fortified rather than broken me.

NOTHING VENTURED, NOTHING GAINED

Posted on November 14, 2021 by hafong

It is day 14 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m living up to my slogan of getting up, dressing up and showing up. I have no business to promote or products to sell. I’ve had my dreams of being an entrepreneur, have you? Let me tell you about them. You’ve heard the one about being a writer. I guess I am one since I’m here tapping out the words. It hasn’t earned any pennies except the ones in my heart. Way back in time, I did invest quite a few pennies trying to sell Mary Kay products. Someone threw me a hook and I bit. I learned the hard and expensive way that I’m not a salesman and I hate selling. I also learned that I’m easily inspired and I’m a good catch. I lost $1500 in the venture.

I did gained in experience and knowledge about people and myself. I was valuable when I was being wooed into buying into the scheme. I had potential. A nurse had a good salary and lots of contacts. I can still see and hear the possibilities clicking in my area manager’s head – a second pink cadillac. But once in, the wooing abruptly stopped. They had little time to help me in establishing my business. They weren’t all like that. Another ‘consultant’ tried to take me under her wings. She was already a success as a Mary Kay consultant and fashion buyer for one of the department stores. Her husband had a small business in town. They were very generous in their help. I gave it a good try. I even took a Dale Carnegie Course to boost my confidence. But when selling tastes like taking medicine, I cut my losses and quit.

I could have tried returning the products but I didn’t. I should have only invested in $750 of inventory but the manager said you have to have the merchandise if you want to sell. That is true but not that much when I knew nothing about the business of selling. I ended up giving away what I could. I found out the people willing to accept them free had been reluctant in hosting parties to help me sell. I had a lot left – makeup for blondes, brunettes and black heads. They were a sore sight reminding me of my huge failure, I chuck them in the dumpster after quite a few years. I am a tenacious hanger on.

You think I would have learned my lesson. But I did tried another venture. It didn’t cost me much except in disappointment. I tried to have a plant sale. My bedding plants were beautiful, healthy and CHEAP. It was not that I failed miserably but that I was not supported. Only a few people came but not the ones who called me for their sales. Not the woman who had offered her husband to pick me up for her jewelry party. I had also spent $200 buying essential oils from her. The friends who valued my plants and friendship came and bought. They’re the ones that mattered. Now I only feel disappointed in my head but not my heart. I feel somewhat petty talking about it and that it still resides in me.

THE TELLING OF A STORY

Posted on November 13, 2021 by hafong

It’s November 13th, day 13 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s 3:13 in the afternoon. Not prime time for me to talk about inspiration or to get inspired. I am a little weary after making, consuming and doing lunch dishes. To top that off, I received a phone call from a neighbour. She was inquiring the name of my neighbour right next to me. She was going to file harassment charges against her. It brought back alot of bad memories and feelings. But at least I feel somewhat exonerated – that it was not I who was behaving badly. I’m not the only one who had trouble with her.

I am feeling better now that I’ve let that breath out. Words are powerful. They’ve always helped and inspired me. I’ve written many posts on my relationship with this woman. I am happy to have curtailed the need. I can sing a different song now. Perhaps we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves when we hang onto things/people/issues for seemingly too long. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time yet. Perhaps there’s a lesson we have to learn first. That is what I tell myself. There’s comfort in that.

Words and stories inspire me. My mother excels in story telling and is great inspiration to me. She doesn’t set out to tell a story but the stories come out just in our every day conversations. Here’s my words on her in a post from 2018:

If there’s anybody that I aspire to be, it would be my mother. She gives me inspiration on how to be, how to live. She teaches me through her story telling. That’s how I’ve learned everything Chinese, the culture, my ancestors, my very being. Don’t get me wrong. I find faults with her, too. Our mother/daughter relationship has had many difficulties like all such relationships. I’ve had my share of ‘I hate my mother’. Growing and maturing has enabled me to understand my mother and see from her point of view. Sometimes, especially in recent times, I feel as if I am my mother.

Words and pictures speak to me. I see pictures in words and I see stories in pictures. They give me inspiration to tell my stories with ink, paint and thread.

My energy tank is running low. Let me finish by acknowledging that the Ultimate Blog Challenge and Paul Taubman, our digital maestro, also give me inspiration and a platform to tell my stories.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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