Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
Just like that, overnight, the blistering heat of 30℃ dropped. It’s a cool cloudy windy 18℃ at 10:30 in the morning. There’s smoke in the air. These are not inviting conditions for me to wander out for my walk in the garden. I’m not overly keen on weeding either. However, I have made a short trek to the greenhouse to see if there are cucumber and bittermelon blossoms to pollinate. I’ve found and pollinate one of each.
This is what our summer is like this year, constant change. It’s the 3rd of July but it feels like fall today. A few days ago it was hot, hot with thunderstorms and thankfully rain. So despite this weird extreme pattern, the garden is doing well. Surprisingly, weather sensitive me, is too. After half a life time of complaining about the weather, I realized that it doesn’t help one little bit. I can’t change the weather, but I can learn to change how it affects me.
So today is not a great day for me to be outdoors. But I can finally open the blinds in the sunroom. They’ve been closed 24/7 because of the sun and heat. It’s a relief to have natural light and to be able to look out the windows. I’m not weeding in the garden but at last I’m ‘weeding’ a wee bit inside, doing some necessary dusting and picking up a few scattered odds and ends. It’s not as much fun but if I do it often enough, it will become a habit. The results – a clean, neat house where most things can be found can lead to a new found joy.
Now that I have delt with the why of this challenge, I like to talk about how I’m going to succeed. For that to happen I need to put in the time and effort. In other words, I have to work. It wouldn’t hurt to be more thoughtful about goals and planning. Besides the love of words and writing, what do I hope to gain from this exercise? Having a daily practice gives me structure. It channels my energy into something useful and sometimes beautiful. My daily morning weeding has resulted in such. I hope my daily July writing will do the same.
This year I have been gardening since March. I started off first with starting seeds for the greenhouse. I had no written plans. They were all in my head based on the previous year’s experience. Perhaps if I had kept a written garden journal, I would have much more success. I did make a start, jotting down what seeds, dates of seeding and germination. But as the season got busier, it all got left by the wayside. The thing is, I started. I have some written records. I have not failed. I can pick it up again now that I’m writing about it. I can make notes of what is doing well and what is not. I can make notes of where the sweet spots are for certain veggies. The celery certainly are doing well in the raised beds. I’m having my first real success with the cabbages and broccoli by having them planted early, early in the spring.
It takes time to see the fruits of your labour. Having a vision of my goal gives me directions of where to go and how to get there. Patience is a great teacher. My garden and yard is a wonderful laboratory to experiment, learn and work in. There are no mistakes. Some things work better than others. It is always evolving like our lives. The page can be another growing space. Words and sentences are my garden tools here. But I have to put in the time and effort. I have to show up daily.
Another new month, another new day, another new beginning. It’s July, Canada Day and the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve been participating in this challenge for quite a few years now. I enjoy challenges, words, pictures and writing. I love the nuance of words, how they roll around my tongue or beneath my fingertips as I tap, tap on the keyboard. I love daily practices because they give me a springboard to start the day. For the month of July, I will try to show up every day with a post to share on the UBC Facebook page. I do not think I will participate in the daily thread. Showing up with a post every day is enough of a challenge. However, I will read others’ posts if life permits.
That is the why of doing the challenge. As to the what, it is to be discovered daily when I sit down with my keyboard. I have no business to promote but I do have a lot of interests and hobbies. One of which is gardening. I have many growing spaces – a small passive solar greenhouse, 6 raised beds, a conventional garden and a community garden plot. They’re all tended by me this summer. I’m still learning so much about everything in life through my gardening efforts. My efforts and results have brought me so much joy. It’s such a delight to do my morning walk through these spaces. So be prepared to hear a bunch of garden talks.
My main goal is to show up each day with my best effort. I will aim for quality and not word count. Some days my post may be just a picture. I hear that a single picture can be worth a thousand words.
I’m having one of those sleepy days. It’s torture just getting the lunch dishes done. I’m glad that since retirement, I’ve morphed from a night owl into a lark. I’m up early, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I like to get stuff done and out of the way. That way, if I crash later, like today, the whole day is not wasted. So, this morning I’ve washed and frozen the picked haskaps and strawberries. I’ve also filled the 3 raised garden beds in the front yard with water from our rain catchment. While they were getting filled, I delt with some of those aggressive creeping blue bells. The end of them is within sight. It might take another year or 2 to rid half the front yard of them. I’m learning a different kind of patience.
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It’s taking me a long time to come back to finish this post I started on the 17th. Now June is almost over. July and the Ultimate Blog Challenge is only 3 sleeps away. My metamorphosis has been hindered and halted by procrastination. Finding time and energy for thoughts and words is not easy during gardening season. When thoughts, words and such are tough, I head out to weed, water and plant. There’s an endless supply of weeds. I never run out. Weeding is in a way, mindless though my mind is always full of thoughts. Though I have had a few illuminating thoughts while weeding, they’ve never turn into words and sentences. Perhaps I should jot them down as they hit me.
I’m not disappointed in June nor myself though. I’ve hit some peaks as well as some valleys. My garden spaces all have done well. The greenhouse had slowed but now it is soaring again. I have a few cucumbers and bittermelons fruiting. They and the Sweet One Million Tomato are supporting and holding each other up. It would be nice if we human beings could do the same. Seeing how productive this symbiotic relationship is, I try a littel harder to be supportive rather than contrary.
Though the weather has been erratic and unsettling, the yard and garden spaces have never looked so beautiful. I am proud of my efforts and hard work.
I’m almost out of words and thoughts. Though I’ve only shown up for these almost a handful of times, June has been a successful month of metamorphosis. I have somehow changed a little for the better. And I am still evolving. More to come in July.
My finest hours are the early first ones in the morning. After I have my morning tea, I like to wander out into the yard, stretch my mind and body. I can call it my working garden meditation. This morning I wanted to check our haskaps. Sometimes the birds find their way in under the netting. So far they haven’t gotten tangled in it but I could hear them flapping, trying to get out. No birds this morning. I got a 1 gram honey container full of purple fruit. I have another container full from the other day. I shall clean and freeze them till I figure out what to do with them. Sometimes I wait too long to do things and they end up spoiling and wasted. So learning to move along timely is part of my June metamorphosis journey.
Harvesting, cleaning and storing our produce are important. Equally important is using them. I’ve been harvesting our rhubarb, washing, chopping and freezing them in their prime. I’ve done so in the past, but they sat in the freezer and ended up in the compost after a couple of years. This winter, someone will be making rhubarb wine. I might have to nag a little. I’m waiting till I get enough strawberries from our patch to make a rhubarb strawberry cobbler. I’m learning to plan a little instead of always flying by the seat of my pants.
I’m enjoying my second cup of tea. I hope I don’t fall back into my old habits of too much again. Me thinks I worry too much sometimes. It’s good to let go, pamper and treat oneself once in awhile. The other evening, I took the birthday boy out for supper. It is not an easy thing for me to celebrate anything or go to an unaccustomed restaurant. I sucked it up bit back my uncomfortable feelings and proceeded full speed ahead. It’s a curious thing but I used to get intimidated by hairdressers and waiters/waitresses in fancy places. They seemed sophisticated and me so country bumpkinish. But I decided I had enough of that and let it all go. Afterall I’ve been breathing and walking this earth a few years now. I’m feeling pretty sophisticated myself. I let go and had a blast. Even though it was not my birthday, I celebrated it as my own birth out of the cocoon.
You just know that it’s going to be a high priced ticket when a hostess escorts you to a table, followed by a waitress, each with a long welcoming speeches. I understood the game. It was quite enjoyable even before we had any wine. We had 4 free tasters so that we could choose the one we love. Somehow instead of having just a glass each, I got talked into ordering a bottle. I was gamed. I think that was already on my mind as we first stepped into the restaurant. You know when there are so many layers of servers, a big tip is expected. It reminded me of the how many people does it take to turn on the light bulb joke. The waitress took our orders but she did not bring the tasters nor the food. She bought the bottle of wine and dessert and a different person bought the tasters and food. It was all very good fun. We wined and dined. I broke out of my serious mold, if only for one evening. I figured if we’re incapable of driving home, we could rent a room upstairs. It was in a hotel. But we were good to go. Needless to say, I gave a good tip.
June has been hot with thunderstorms. My metamorphosis has been a very slow process. Rather turning into a beautiful butterfly, I feel more like a slug or snail. Neither one is very attractive but they are appealing to me today. I like their speed. Maybe their lack of is a better term. I prefer the snail because it can crawl into its shell to get away from it all. That’s what I like to and shall do today – crawl into my shell to get a good rest.
I’ve developed some skill now through my sitting meditations with Mark Williams to close my eyes and let the outer world and all the sights and sounds all away. I can let my thoughts and emotions dissolve into nothingness. I’ve only discovered this ability yesterday, sitting in the quiet late evening heat. The A/C is turned off. The windows are wide opened with a bit of breeze drifting in. The sweat is still seeping into my eyes. I sit and breathe, in and out. I feel my heartbeat slowing down, thoughts and feelings leaving and my body relaxing. I understood at that moment what is meant by a no mind, no body.
June has been hotter and harder than I had anticipated. I can’t remember how long ago I had written the above. Now, almost in the middle of June, I’ve come back to finish what I had started. I hope I can finish. Finishing anything is the hardest task for me. I feel much like a bear at the moment – slow and sluggish. I would rather hibernate through the summer and emerge in the fall. I wonder if there’s a cool log nearby that I can crawl into. There goes my dream of turning into a beautiful butterfly. I should not give up hope yet. Summer is long and a silken cocoon sounds like a cool soft bed to loll, dream and spin magic in.
One thing that has been easy and fun in June is the DYICAD – Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. It’s making tiny art on an index card daily. I have chosen the word prompt route and using pen and watercolour as my medium. It continues till July 31st. I will have 61 cards of art at the end. It does spark creativity besides fun. It’s good for my brain and heart. Here is a sampling of my favourites this year so far.
When I think of June, the Monarch butterfly pops into my mind’s eye. I wonder if that’s when they get back to Canada from Mexico. Upon googling them, I learn that it takes 4 generations for them to get back. Meaning the ones that left are not the same ones that came back. Their life cycle and metamorphosis are fascinating.
I am considering using the month of June as a time to go through my own metamorphosis. I am not satisfied nor content with my present self. It make no sense in staying in an undesirable state. So slowly I have begun to observe all of myself and life critically without judgement. It’s not like me to be silent and non reactionary but I think it is necessary for me to be so in this process. It’s going to be very difficult, no doubt about that. I’m game though. Wish me lots of luck.
I’m at the chrysalis stage. I’ve been studying, gathering and preparing a long time. I have a lot of knowledge and tools, so far not put to use. So I’m still locked in my cocoon, waiting.
There’s not much of May left. I thought I better make time for some thoughts and reflections. My heart and mind are not co-operating. They are not peaceful or restful. Hurry up, hurry up is reverberating through my head. This heart of mine is on a fast beat. I feel restless and unsettled. I did the 18 movements of my Quigong routine to soothe it. Perhaps I should have drank chamomile instead of ginseng tea. Ginseng seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it would give me more energy and concentration and I do have a lot of ginseng.
No matter. I need to get on with the program. The rhythmic tapping of the keyboard seems to be helping. It’s like acupressure for my fingertips. Do whatever works is my motto. The simpler the better. And don’t overthink everything. I am good at thinking up solutions but it’s another to follow through. Isn’t that true for most of us? We know what we’re suppose to be doing for our own good and the good of others and the world. Knowing and doing are two different things. I’m working on bringing the two together.
It’s no easy task. And today it is especially difficult as my brain is all over the place. It is hard to focus, to pay attention to the now. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t try, put in an effort and get some results. It’s much like trying to rid of those troublesome bluebells that’s overtaken my front yard. Last summer I spent hard labour covering them over with newspaper and cardboard and mulching them with grass clippings and sawdust. After the recent rain, their roots have crept through any cracks and holes and my nicely mulched area is dotted with their green leaves. I felt very defeated and overwhelmed but not enough to let my hard work go to naught. I spent an hour peeling back the covers and pulling them out by the roots. That’s what I would have to do – be regular and persistent.
The day is overcast. I’m feeling the clouds and pessimism. I can’t help it and don’t fight it. Feelings are real and not real. I can still move and do no matter my emotion. I’m exhausted but not frozen in. I can still breathe. I’m not thinking very well at the moment but I’ve made a list of solutions for a problem. I’m craving for something sweet. It feels like an impossible task but I think I will hoist myself up and make some muffins.
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I survived yesterday. I was able to hoist myself upright and made those muffins. What felt impossible was possible when I decided to start – one step at a time until the task was done. I did not think the whole picture – how many steps and how much time was involved. I surprised myself with success – 17 pumpkin muffins and everything cleaned up after. I even made soya sauce chicken in the Instant Pot for supper. It felt good to overcome my mental and physical fatigue. I will store that feeling of success for future use.
It is 7:30 on a Sunday evening. The day has been mostly cloudy with short spurts of sun. I’m not quite as exhausted as yesterday. I had a good rest having succumbed to sleep before 10 pm. I should not doubt myself or feel so defective because I am so sensitive to the weather. It is a very real physical thing. It is ok not to be on top of the world all the time. Last night it felt so delicious to hit the bed, close my eyes and sleep.
Photo by Jesu00fas Esteban San Josu00e9 on Pexels.com
Finding peace in a restless world is like wishing for the moon. I’m like the wolf baying at the moon. But I’m learning that it’s a myth that wolves howl at the moon. The howling is not directed at the moon. It is used as a social rally call, a hail to hunt or as a territorial expression. They have different howls that can be heard by other wolves 6-7 mile away. A howl can help a lost wolf find its way home. I like that idea. I have to practice my howling. It might help get me home. I do feel lost in these times.
I never thought I would be in this spot. I’m sure there’s a lot of us here but all the same, it is a lonely place. I’m afraid to speak of it. I’m afraid to even think of it – that I might be coming unhinged. And so we sit, alone or together like stone statues gazing unseeingly into space. Howling feels like a better alternative. And so I am here again, at my keyboard. I’m letting my fingers do the baying. It’s a little less obtrusive and more soothing to my already irritated nerves.
Yesterday while I was picking up my prescription, I walked through the mall. I thought I should get re-acquainted with it and life in general after 3 years of Covid. I had deceived myself that the 3 years had not affected me much. After all, my life style was not that much different before Covid. Even so, life after feels greatly changed on the inside. That counts even more. I feel that in the energies of others strolling through/shopping in the mall. I feel the slowness/heaviness, the acceptance of our new reality.
It is a cool 10℃ morning after a blistering hot 31℃ day of yesterday. It is windy. The sky is more cleared of smoke from Alberta’s forest fires. But the air is still thick with the smell. It’s difficult to feel up and optimistic about our world. It’s on fire and it seems we’re still sleeping through it. I hope I’m wrong.
I’m not overly fond of summer heat. Not that it is summer yet. It’s only May 15th. The official date for summer is June 21, over a month away. But we have the heat. The house is warm. There’s beads of perspiration on my forehead and lips. And I feel like the shits. The day started out fine. I was mostly my normal self. I was getting up, dressing up and showing up and doing my stuff. Things haven’t been easy but I was handling it. Look – it isn’t even the 21st of May. The greenhouse is in full production, the 6 raised beds are planted and the home garden is mostly planted. I would call that handling it, wouldn’t you?
So what the hell happened? Did I finally lose it? All I know is I feel bad – sometimes after lunch. In the past, writing has been my tool of investigation and soothing. I could write through anything and everything. Now I’m not so sure. I’ve lost the rhythm. The words have lost their magic. It’s still worth a try to get it back. Not doing anything is not good for me. At least I’ll be moving. Fingers count. I’m tapping it out with no outside interference. No one knows my ‘bad’. They don’t know what it is like. I hate advice like: Did you remember to take your Prozac? Be happy. As if I wouldn’t if I could.
I’ve decided not to fight my feelings/moods too much. There must be a reason that they’re pestering me. All things do passed. That much I have learned. And there are things that we must accept and endure. It is also true that I can run but there’s no place to hide. I might as well stay and face the music. Knowing that also brings a bit of ease. A bit is all I need. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel.
onethousandandtwo 