Day 113, November 15, 2016 @6:54 pm
The morning was bright and shiny, though a bit frosty. It’s when I feel the best. Hard to explain but my body is the happiest on bright sunny cold days. I was happy to sloth the morning away in the toasty warmth of my sunroom. Some days I can do more by doing less. November is the month I claim for my own to lay down the striving and the judgement. It is my month of letting go and rest in the quiet. It is so restful. Can you hear it?
Day 112, November 14, 2016 @5:10 pm
I feel lost in space after spending these many days digging within, sorting and purging the not real, not necessary and not desired. I have more room in my head and all around. I am unfamiliar to this spaciousness. I am not comfortable in the less. Give me back my tumultuous thoughts! Let me cling to my well- worn baggage. They have been my travelling companions for a long time.
Yes, I crave for the familiar though dysfunctional. I am an addict to what feels good yet harmful. I must go through my delirium tremens. I have been in training all these months to strengthen my physical core – the squats, jumping jacks, and the toughest of all, the burpee and the plank. When I’m burping, I’m not sure I can get up. Yet I do each time. I fear each time when I get up, the room will spin out of control. It never happens. I am building a strong core.
I will observe this lost in space feeling. I will let my body feel its sensations. It is like doing a burpee. I get up and I am standing tall.
Day 111, November 13, 2016 @5:09 pm
Words come easy. Words come hard. They come different on different days, caught up in the nuance of where I’ve been. I have been lost in thoughts and not in real time today. The words are tumbling in my mind/head like clothes in the dryer barrel. Now sorting and excavating them is challenging. But I’ve always loved challenges.
NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month of writing a novel of 50,000 words is too much for me though. That is why I’m here pecking out my few words daily. I have no fairy tales to tell. This is an exercise in purging what is not true or desirable. It’s difficult and painful though it may not be visible to the reader. I struggle coming to the keyboard every day.
Some days I don’t make it. That’s how it is. That’s how we are. I’m learning and understanding about our human nature. I don’t feel as guilty for my short comings. I don’t punish myself as much. I try again and again to come back to what is true. Our stories, our struggles are important to tell. They are gifts to be shared. We see that we are all the same. We all struggle. We all suffer. We all have ‘the soft animal of your body’ in Mary Oliver ‘s poem, Wild Geese. We can connect in our vulnerability.
Day 110, November 12, 2-16 @ 5:18 pm
When I come to this space or anywhere, I speak for myself, of myself only. It’s all about me. Sometimes I even have trouble knowing my true self, so how can I speak for or of anyone else? In the same vein, I can only change myself. I can only change the things I do not like about myself. I can’t do a darn thing about what I don’t like about other people, things and events. But changing myself can cause a chain of other changes. My aha moment of the moment.
The world was too much with/for me today. There wasn’t a thing I could do about it. I couldn’t change the brilliance of the sun. I couldn’t make people be quiet. I couldn’t….I couldn’t. So I went within myself, quieted my thoughts, slowed down my breathing and let go of the world. I listened to the voice of Jon Kabat-Zinn as he guided me through the body scan.
Day 109, November 11, 2016 @6:18 pm
Another gorgeous sunny November day after all the grey days in October. I have to be grateful. I am. I am just a little irritable and at loose ends. That’s what happens when you have a late evening and missing a few hours of early sleep. It’s a sign that I’m not a young pup any more. My body is not quite as flexible and forgiving. But the company and conversations were worth it.
I languished on my love seat, soaking up the sun. In the afternoon, I packed up Sheba and headed off to the dog park. Everybody and their dog did the same thing. Cars lined up and out. Dogs and their people galore. It was not a peaceful, joyous outing for me. I tried my best but packs of dogs and people make for trouble. I got the heck out of there after one loop around .
I was not brave today. I did not tackle another Pandora’s Box. I rested my nerves, gathering up odd balls of yarn I found yesterday. Why don’t I knit them up into a blanket? A voice in my head said. Knit one, purl one. The sound and rhythm of knitting needles would soothe and smooth me. All the odd balls would be knitted into one funky multi coloured blanket. Why had I not thought of it before? Let’s do it. Let’s knit life’s loose ends into a rainbow.
Day 108, November 10, 2016 @1007 pm
Another sunny morning. The sun rose again. I sit and observe, feeling all there is, not trying to understand or fix anything. Life is as it is. I am still in this spaciousness of now. I am grateful for this gift. I am grateful for this life.
The sun is filling me up with light and optimism. I am strong enough to enter the messiness of my life. I am able to feel all the ‘uglies’ I’ve been unwilling to face. I can sit and stay with the nausea, the revulsion rising up, the tremors, the chills and sweats of my body. They are sensations. Like everything else, they pass. I have chosen to do different. I accept the consequences. Doing the same had made me ill. Now I am healing myself.
I am opening one Pandora’s Box at a time. No scary Jack jumped out at me. I breathe a sigh of relief. What I found instead was the soft child in me. I rescued that child and held her once more in my heart space. I am my own mother.
Day 107, November 9, 2016 @5:00 pm
It’s the day after THE election. I am sure I am not alone in asking: How could this happen? I found comfort and guidance in the words of Marianne Williamson and Barack Obama. No matter what happens, the sun will rise tomorrow. It’s another new dawn, another new beginning. It’s a truth to hang on to for me.
I have been a reactor since I’ve been born. I am sure I came out of my mother’s womb screaming like a banshee. Life has been hard as such. I take everything personally. It has been all about me until recently. But slowly I’ve been shedding the me, I and mine. I no longer am so surprised or shocked by anything and everything. I don’t try to figure out and fix everything. I am not THAT powerful. I accept what is.
I find such peace and serenity in the acceptance. Life is. The world is. I hold that space close to my heart. I am part of the universe along with everything. The boundaries, borders and skin colours fade. We all are. We all belong here – wherever here is.
Day 106, November 8, 2016 @10:49 am
The morning is grey. I bring myself back to this space to dispel it. I’m returning to my journey of making changes in a conscious way. If I don’t, they will happen to me willy, nilly. Better to go into them with eyes wide open.
I sat with Timothea Goddard’s session of the Mindfulness Summit 2015 to review the 3 insights from practicing mindfulness and cultivating kindness.
In short you can sum the insights up as life sucks, everything changes and don’t take anything personally. If I can really accept the first two and learn to live the third, life could be a lot easier. And it is. I have been practicing. Sometimes I have become distracted and wandered off. I’m learning to come back and come back more readily and often. I’m less inclined to throw up my hands and say, I CAN’T do it!
This morning I’ve returned to the task of clearing my work table in the basement. It was not hard. It was not easy. It felt unpleasant. I stood and felt my avoidance/nausea for a moment, not knowing where to start. Then I just plunged in, opening an envelope, a shoebox, taking out papers, shredding them, bagging them. I let the feelings be. I did not try to chase them away. Then an understanding of what they are/why they are came. It was okay. I was okay. It was like what Oprah calls peeling an onion. I’ve peeled the first layer, the beginning of an opening. It is enough. I will return tomorrow.
What box have you opened today?
Day 105, November 7, 2016 @6:10 pm
The days are marching by, one by one. There’s sunshine. The flight of birds in the sky and the rustling of leaves in the breeze. Autumn in its finest. I must not tarry – lost in dreams. I must march along. The beat goes on. And so do I on this November day.
I have been distracted and wandered off. But I’ve come back. I am learning that it is our nature to be distracted, thinking a million thoughts at once. I’m learning to bring myself and my wandering mind back again and again. It will always be this way. And what an interesting and exciting way it is.
This morning as most every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, we were off to Val’s exercise class at the YWCA. I credit this class for clearing my brain fog and easing my anxiety. They are pretty good motives for me to return again and again. Val and the class are other reasons. They are so full of enthusiasm, energy and camaraderie. Today was a tabata workout. If you don’t know what it is, here’s a YouTube video. I believe our class is much harder workout!
The day is getting on. Supper is almost ready. I’m getting restless and distracted again. My writing is a bit sloppy and disjointed. I’m out of practice and concentration. I will end it here and come back tomorrow. The beat will go on. I have much to write about.
Days 102 – 104, November 6, 2016 @5:59 pm
The days are rolling by. I’m falling behind in my writing and analyzing of my changes. The words and pictures are in me but the habit of putting off till later is still strong in me. Stronger than my will at present. I’m past my 100 days. I’m getting a clearer picture of how to proceed with my year. I’m claiming November as my own, to slow into sync with the season. It is time to get out of my head and live in real time.
I want November to rest and be with the physical, to feel the wind, rain and the ground beneath my feet. November is the month to nourish my body and mind for the winter. And so these last few days I have gone back to sit with a few of the mindfulness teachers from the Mindfulness Summit of October 2015. I’m learning and understanding my brain is nature’s brain. It is not my fault how it works but understanding its ways and being mindful can help me steer it in different directions.
Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is beautiful but it can get ugly. It is brittle and it is soft. However it comes, I will greet it as a welcomed guest. Hello life.
onethousandandtwo 