ABANDONMENT

Posted on November 16, 2014 by hafong

It is morning, another day. I have rounded that corner. Hope has come with the morning light and sun beams. I bask once more in its warmth coming through the windows. Sheba will have to wait a little for her walk.

These weeks have felt like an eternity. Yet it is still November. There is still time. Time to write those stories, time to chronicle my time on this earth. I can start where I have left off. I can start with this very moment. There is no better time than this. I am not behind. I am not crazy. I am not perfect but I am not deficient.

*****

I could not resist the pull of nature after all. The sunshine and the great outdoors drew me out. I abandoned my words and took off to the park with my furry baby. I was too serious and melancholy still. I got sick listening to myself, to my words. There was a falseness to them. They did not ring true. I left them in mid air, unfinished, incomplete.

It is not a bad thing. There is a time and a season for everything under heaven. Or so the song goes. I do believe that if I could cuss up a blue streak, like in days of yore, it would give me great relief. But I am bereft of anger. Therefore I have no energy to bring forth the *#!. I can only tap out a few symbols. It is a sad state of affairs, I know. The volcano has died. The tiger lady has lost her growl. I am still striving to do my best, of course. The tiger is alive and lurking underneath it all.

My best today was the dog park with Sheba, followed by a nap and watching two movies in the afternoon. There is nothing wrong with pausing awhile. After all, today is Sunday, a day of rest. Did you rest?

EVERY DOG AND WORD

Posted on July 31, 2014 by hafong

These summer evenings have been just perfect for leisurely strolls. The heat of the day is gone, but it is still warm. The air is calm, with just enough of a breeze. Oh, these lazy, hazy eves of summer!

You can literally say that everyone and their dogs are out. I keep a tight rein on Sheba. She’s an excited girl. Tonight she’s preoccupied sniffing every telephone pole and sign post. We are not moving along fast. It’s a step, step, then sniff, sniff. It is a bit annoying. We are not getting an aerobic workout by any stretch of the imagination. I have to remind myself that every dog needs its day. I let her sniff to her content. It’s her time.

It is the last day of July. I should be at my keyboard tapping out something profound. But the evening calls and we follow, past the church, its door lit like a beacon in the night. We come by the playground with the big pencil pointing upward. I know. I still have my writing to do. I will get to it when we get home.

I am here, trying to find those magical words. I’ve left it too late. They, too, have their time. I have to give them more respect and not take them for granted. Till tomorrow then, dear readers. Tomorrow. Good night.

WANTS, WISHES AND DEEDS

Posted on July 12, 2014 by hafong

It’s Saturday and the weather is oh, so fine. The floor is finally vacuumed and washed. I am sitting here, empty of words. I am flexing my fingers and wiggling my toes. I am trying, giving it a go.

I always go to bed full of resolve – of doing this, doing that. But in the morning, I am deflated, not feeling up to par. So then, I feel guilty. I give myself a silent talk, trying to drum up some energy.

I took Sheba out right after breakfast. We did a little fast walking/slow jogging. The sun was shining, the air fragrant with blossoms. The streets were silent, devoid of traffic and people. It was the weekend. People were away or sleeping in, I guess. I shouldn’t feel bad about being laxidaisydo (my made up word for my lazy condition). I scolded myself for this obsession of wanting – wanting to do so much, but not doing it at all.

I wonder how many of us have this modern affliction/obsession of wanting and doing. Can I/we not be satisfied with being – being still, being in the moment, doing one thing at a time? I probably would be able to accomplish more goals – turning my wants to deeds instead of wishes. I bet I would be more peaceful and happy, too.

I’ve found a few words after all. Not great gems but they have some value. Maybe they’re greater than I think.

THE ‘HOOD

Posted on May 23, 2014 by hafong

It is morning again, already! The sun is shining right in my eyes. I am tired. My fingers are stiff, the knuckles swollen and sore. Too much work in the garden yesterday.

I have lost my words for a few days. Once lost, it takes some work to coax them back. So I am limbering up these tired old fingers. I’m pecking away on the keyboard, one word at a time, one slow thought at a time.

Our raised beds are all built, lined and filled with topsoil – all four of them. Two of them are planted. Two more to go. They are looking quite handsome but I am sure some irate neighbour will find some fault even though it is on our property. Such is my neighbourhood. I am so envious of hearing others talk about their neighbours and a sense of community.

Not that my neighbours are such terrible people. But I have not felt a sense of community amid them for a long time. I hear their sad stories about their troubled teens, ugly husbands, messy divorces. I tolerate their shouting matches and loud music. They complain about my dog. Sometimes they make more noise than Sheba.

But I feel a change in the air. The ‘hood is changing. Or maybe it is I who is changing.

THE SHORT AND THE LONG OF IT

Posted on May 17, 2014 by hafong

I started this blog with a goal of writing a thousand words a day. ~~Most days~~ all days, I fall quite short of that. I am a short and snappy gal. I would probably have more success in writing for Hallmark Cards. Now, I’m upgrading my goal to writing a thousand posts, one a day. How long would that take? Do I have time?

Life comes to me in photos and snatches of words. They come to me like live streaming. There’s no skill or ability involved. I am just wired like that. Curious, isn’t it?

Today, there are no photos and few words. But I present to you the amazing Miss Keirha and Miss Sheba, right from our living room. I hope you will enjoy.

NO TIME FOR WORDS

Posted on May 4, 2014 by hafong

Today feels like one of those days that I have no time for words. I’m feeling squished and breathless. My body is tensed, my mind closed. No ease is flowing through me.

I close my eyes and take a slow deep breath. I see the blue sky of yesterday in my mind. The white clouds drift pass me, taking my frown away. I feel soothed, smoothed, cuddled and fluffed. Ahhh! It feels good. I’m human again.

The day is still here in the twilight. I am finding the words. They are coming one by one as I am tap, tapping on my keyboard. There is no need to rush. There is no need to worry. There is time. Everything comes in good time when we are ready.

WORDS INTO ACTION

Posted on April 4, 2014 by hafong

Now that I have committed myself on paper, it is time to turn the words into action.

I rose and shone this morning, stretched and moved. It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t pretty about it. Nonetheless, I did it.

Nothing has to be perfect. And life certainly isn’t. I love Regina Brett’s phrase, Get up, dress up, and show up. That is big – showing up. You are the star of your life. If you don’t show up, well there is no show.

I have learned from past failures on what not to do if I want to make progress. I can’t keep doing the same things if I want to get different results. Change is necessary for change. I can’t take giant leaps ahead before I have the muscles. Otherwise I will probably stumble and fall. My head has finally stopped throbbing from its crack on the ice. Do I want more unnecessary pain? Absolutely not.

Baby steps are okay, but at some point you have to let go. You have to take a chance and stride forward into action – first one step, then another. Now I’m doing a slow jog down life’s lane – a few steps at a time. Then I slow down and let Sheba dawdle and sniff the grass. I let the sun shine on my face and breathe in the fresh air. Enough sniffing! Time to jog again.

I’m learning to be more fluid and flexible. It is okay to let go a little, relax and have fun. You can’t go at it hard. It’s not about all or nothing. There’s in betweens, greys and even paler shades of white. “It’s all about balance”, is not just an inane phrase. It is the truth.

I’m losing my doldrums already. It feels good to have something to strive for. My endorphins are rising in me. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! I better stop here. Tomorrow is another day. Yes Scarlett, there is tomorrow.

30 DAYS IN THE DESERT

Posted on February 6, 2014 by hafong

Though it is a month before Lent, it is no surprise nor an accident that I find myself in the desert. I am once again lost in the wilderness, wandering up the lonesome road, trying to find my way, looking for my words.

I have lost my words these last while. They have disappeared from my fingertips. It is a struggle to recover and grasp them again. It is not a bad thing to feel the silence and the stillness. It is not a bad thing to sit, wait and to listen to the quiet.

There is time. No need to rush. No need to despair. I have 30 days in the desert. There is time to breathe, exhale, count my heartbeats and march to my own drum. There is time to live, love and gather the sacred sage.

POSTCRIPT FROM THE LEDGE

Posted on November 21, 2013 by hafong

You’ve made it to retirement and if you think you can just fall back into life again, guess again!

It’s not that easy. The life you once knew is no more. For one thing, you’ve grown up. No, you’ve grown old – pensionable and pensioned. You can no longer fit into a size 5, 7, or 9. Even a 10 is stretching it. Now you are breathless just bending over to tie up your boot laces. What the hell happened here?

What happened to all my plans that I saved up for ‘when I retire’? Not that I am bored with nothing to do. I have too much to do but don’t know how to do it. The world I knew has changed and I am hanging from the ledge.

Deep breath now. Relax. Remember that you are probably not alone. You have the tools. You have the words. You can write your own script. This life is but a dream and you are the dreamer. So dream the life that is meant for you. Be brave. Be daring. You are already on the ledge. Be vulnerable. Be true. Be you.

NO WORDS TODAY

Posted on November 8, 2013 by hafong

Everyone needs a day off. Today was one of those days for me. My desk was as messy as ever. The how-to manual close by. My writing jacket was on the back of my chair. I had no words. They would not come.

I have to honor and respect them. I will wait till they are ready to come back. In the meantime, I am researching and studying plots, characters, timelines, conflict, etc. There are so many parts that goes into writing a book besides the writing. I have just discovered this in the process.

Things happen in mysterious ways. It is wonderful but strange that I am writing a book at this time. How opportune that I picked up a how-to book by Janet Evanovich. She is one of my favorite mystery writers. I love her character Stephanie Plum. Her how-to is very helpful and as much fun to read as her novels!

At the same time I came across a novel by a Chinese writer. The novel is based in Shanghai, a city I have visited and where the author was born. The main character lost his ability to speak Chinese due to a head injury. But he is able to speak English.

The first page of the book is very riveting. It grabbed me right away. I thought: Wow, what a good translation! I was wrong. It was written in English. The author left Shanghai at age 10 and graduated from Brown University. She has lost her written and spoken Chinese – much like myself.

I am learning much about the written word to bring events, pictures, emotions and actions alive in the mind. The way someone uses words tells much about the culture we come from. It is interesting how and what we identify with different writers. The book is called The Lost and Forgotten Languages of Shanghai by Ruiyan Xu.

As you can see, my words are not coming easily. But I am still having fun.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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