Tag Archives: Ultimate Blog Challenge

DAY 13 UBC – WHAT IF I JUST SIT

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What if I Just Sit

The bread is in the oven. They will be done in 30 minutes. I have a bit of a breather. Even when you think you got it together, it’s still an all day affair. There’s just no way around it . I’ve been doing this same recipe for almost 9 years. I know it by heart and the knead of it. I’ve learned to give myself over to this bake bread day. I do savour the breaks in the process.

Usually I like to sit and sip my tea and scroll or read. This morning none of that was appealing. I thought why don’t I just sit. Why don’t I? It was easier said than done. I think my brain has been slowly eroded and reprogrammed by all our technology. It felt peculiar to just sit and stare into space. I felt my impatient self talking. Now what? I can’t just sit. I felt my brain doing a scan. I don’t want to read anything. I don’t want to scroll on my iPhone. What is it that I want to do?

My head is talking to itself. I have only 30 minutes before I have to tend to the dough. Think fast. What can I do? My Jesus cross stitch flashed through my mind. But how much can I do? Now I have less than 30 minutes. Then I hear my mother’s voice talking about a bucket filling with one drop at a time. So I translated that into a stitch at a time. I dug out my Jesus kit. Once upon a few years ago, I said I would have it done by Christmas. I can make it this Christmas. I have two and a half months. It’s never too late until it is.

I get about 8 cross stitches done and my timer went off. I was just getting back into the hang of it. But I had to tend to the dough. I didn’t quite hop up right away. It was a bright sunny morning and the sunroom was warm and such a delight. I didn’t tarry long but when I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by an over eager and over festive dough. Eeeek!

I haven’t sat much after that till now. But it’s all water under the bridge. The loaves are baked and cooling their heels on my new racks. All the clean up is done. Why don’t I just sit for a little bit longer, eh? I feel a bit done.

DAY 12 UBC – E IS FOR EFFORT

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E is for Effort

The ham is in the oven. It is Thanksgiving Monday. I am a little tired. I had trouble laying down to sleep last night. It’s that time of year of allergies and dry air. Time to get the humidifier out soon. But I’m none the worse for wear. I’m keeping on top of my goal for October. I’m still looking for the gold in everything. It’s day 12 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m almost halfway through.

Some days it is more of a struggle with everything. That’s just life. That’s how it is. So you just have to give it a little more effort. I miss my daily walks with Sheba. They have been part of my every day for almost 14 years. The guy misses them, too. So this morning we walked each other to the park, along Sheba’s route. We passed her sitter, Carol’s house. Carol doesn’t live their anymore. But we still think of it as hers.

It’s a bit of sad affair. The yard is full of weeds and overgrown shrubs. We saw a chair lift, something recently added, by the front door. We knew that the man’s wife has MS. We’ve never seen her in the 2-3 years they’ve lived there. We’ve only seen the dogs in the backyard that was full of their poop. The man was seldom seen. The lift is a reminder to us that we know nothing of their circumstances or challenges. Keeping up the yard is probably very low on their priority list. Let us not be their judges.

On this Thanksgiving Day, I’m reminded how much I have to be grateful for. Being healthy and physically independent is huge. So I am tired. I can rest. I didn’t sleep well last night. I will sleep better tonight having had a morning walk and raking the front yard. So ends another day and effort. It’s not fancy. And it is not great or profound. I showed up. Mary Oliver sums it up nicely in her poem, Praying.

It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.”

DAY 10 UBC – DEDICATED TO THE ONE I LOVE

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Dedicated to the One I Love

It’s Saturday, the day my fur baby left for doggy heaven. We miss her but life goes on as the saying goes. It is true. It does. For everything that happens, the world still spins on its axis as it rotates around the sun. And we are all going along with it. Saturday is still my favourite day even though she is no longer here with me physically. My memories of her are warm and sweet.

I will have none of the bitter sweet stuff. I am careful of my thoughts and what I feed my brain. Loss and the end of things can be/are painful but it is the natural order of things. There is a beginning, middle and an ending to all living things. The challenge lies within our finiteness. We don’t have forever. Time is precious like water. I don’t want it to drain/waste away. This is one of those AHA moments I’ve encountered in this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’m learning when to turn off the tap. There’s no point in bashing my head against the wall on things I can’t change. I’ve only hurt myself. It is insanity to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Things are not complicated but we make it so. I am having fun and learning as well in this round of the Challenge. Sometimes it is challenging, trying finding the time to write every day and read others and comment as well. But I also find it motivating. I just do the best I can. We are all different. I admire those who does it so well. I try to return visits when I can.

As you can see, I AM finding my way around this new WordPress thing. In the end it turns out the same. I was stuck on the classic version. I hung on with tooth and nail – till they took it away. I was forced into changing. The change is good for my brain’s neuroplasticity. I was hanging onto Sheba hard, too. I couldn’t hang on forever. I have my sweet memories without the bitter part. She was the most pretty and happy girl. I love her.

DAY 9 UBC – HAPPY AT LAST

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Happy At Last

It’s a cool overcast morning. It’s the kind of day I want to curl up with my quilt and while away the moments. Instead, I’m sitting here tapping and eating left over pizza. It tastes mighty fine. I think I shall have more. I have to give in to these urges now and then. I have to give myself a break or two. I wanted to cancel my exercise class this morning. I meditated and talked myself out of it. Then the exercise cancelled me! A water main problem. No water at the facility.

The universe does listen to us and give us what we need. I’m more attentive now. I try to respond instead of blindly react. I’ve had some very full days and in need of a rest. I’m happy nature is giving it to me. I don’t have to feel guilty about being out and making hay while the sun shines. It’s taking time out, too. There is a reason and season for everything.

This is the season of seeing and understanding for me. My fellow bloggers in this UBC seemed to be writing for me, about things that I specifically need to see right now. How wonderful of them! And the things are not really new to me. It is that I’m seeing and understanding in a different light. It makes me think, Well, how stupid was I! It makes me give my head a shake and a slap to my face. Most of all, I’m singing to myself. I’m happy. At last I’m happy.

And what might those things be, you wonder. They are really simple. I’ve probably written about them myself many many times before. But until they hit, electrofied and lit me up like a LED bulb, I never truly understood the concepts. I think we each have to figure out for ourselves what adds and what takes away from our lives.

DAY 6 UBC DAYS OFF AND GREY’S ANATOMY

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Days Off and Grey’s Anatomy

This morning I was happy to languish a little and sip on my second cup of tea. It felt like a day off. There’s no swimming or aerobics class to dash off to. Of course every day is a day off now that I am retired from the rat race. Back in the days when I was still slinging bedpans, wiping butts and saving lives, our opening line to each other was: Are you on days off? Did you sleep? Our lives were as insular within hospital walls as those portrayed on Grey’s Anatomy.

When you are right in the middle of it, you don’t see what’s coming. You just live it. You think you will sort it all out – later. I knew enough though not to live it via the small screen, too, while I was still working. Once was enough. So now it is later. It’s a real pleasure to live it again through Netflix. I had forgotten the reason why I had only watched a few beginning episodes. I already had too much real life drama. No need for more. Time/days off was to get away from it all.

Now I see it. Now I see and understand how work had impacted on me. It’s taken 9 seasons of Greys Anatomy for me to see it. I am a slow learner. Hindsight is better than no clue. I can still learn from it. It’s still useful in my present time off. I can see how much alike and different Cristina Yang and I are. We are the yin and the yang. Maybe it’s because we are Asian sisters. We don’t like hugs and being mushy, I can identify with Meredith Grey, too, in that I’m a running commentary. Like Cristina and Meredith, I have my person. And that’s the best thing.

It’s nice to have days off even though I don’t punch a clock any more. It’s when I give myself permission to slack off a bit, sip my cuppa a little slower and just enjoy and not take myself so seriously.

P.s. We watch Grey’s most evenings with ice cream.

A NEW CHALLENGE

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September 29/20

It’s a little after 10 am. I’m trying for a productive day without ruts and moods. But you know what they say. Life never runs smooth. Don’t you just hate these sayings? I do. I’m going to turn over a new leaf and NOT try to remake myself into what I am not. Why fight nature. I should just go with the flow for a change.

Do you know what my handicap is? My moral compass is too high. I always want to do the right thing. I have a hard time doing it though, especially when I feel I have been wronged. It is very difficult if not impossible for me to forgive if I’m not met halfway.

October 1/20

September got away from me. I showed up here only 5 times. I wonder what happened to my motto of no matter how you feel get up, dress up and show up. I could blame it on the Covid. I could blame losing Sheba. I could blame it on a lot of things but I won’t. I fell off the wagon. I lost focus. I lost interest. I lost purpose of showing up. So now I’m starting again. That’s the way of everything, isn’t it? We fall. We get up and start again.

So this is the first day of the October Ultimate Blog Challenge. The goal is to show up each day, write a great post and connect with other bloggers. I’ve been doing the Challenge since April 2014. I showed up every day that first time. Let’s see if I can repeat the performance. Let’s see if I can keep things fresh and not regress into going into the past and mulling over spilt milk.

Lately, I’ve been taking note of what’s giving me pleasure and what irks me. I think I will make that the theme for this month. It’s still just my mumblings about the ordinariness of my daily life. I am retired. I have no business to publicize or push. I am not naturally bent that way anyways. Good luck to everyone. Hope to see/read you each day.

MY TRUE SELF

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July 6th, the 6th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m a day behind. I should stop talking about catching up. I’ll just keep going from where I am. I don’t know why I am so busy. I live such a boring mundane life. I hardly go anywhere. I go shopping only when I have to. It’s an ordeal when I do. I’m exhausted when I get home, more so in these Covid-19 times.

I’m feeling that way now, exhausted. I’m sweating and sipping dandelion tea. Beer would be more cooling. I’m pecking away at my keyboard, hoping for a steady flow of words and thoughts. So far, so good. Some days I struggle and stutter. I really do not want to struggle so much. I do not want to allow the woman next door make me feel as if I’ve just come through a great illness. That’s how her energy affects me. I’ve found Dr. Les Carter’s little short videos helpful in steering me in the right direction.

I’m working on disengaging from her energy. She loves to tantalize and get me worked up. She is quite clever at this. I have to give her that. She must spend time studying my habits and routines and my responses. Of course she’s had 12 years to do it. I, on the other hand haven’t been smart or observant. I fall into her traps frequently. The only thing I know for sure is she won’t/can’t change. But I can.

I know I am not a mean person. I don’t go out of my away to cause a neighbour harm or annoyance. But after years of harassment sometimes I do feel maybe it is my fault. But when I come down to it, I wonder what and why is it my fault. I don’t do anything to her. I don’t trespass on her property. I don’t engage with her except when provoked. She, on the other hand, has trespassed on my property many times, sprayed pesticide in my garden, had her friend cart off stuff she thinks is junk on our property, pushed and scraped away all the mulch around our cedar trees, pulled out our fencing to hold the mulch around our cedars, throw my landscape rocks at me. I could write a book about her.

Maybe I will one day when I’m feeling better. Now, I am working on not letting just the sight of her get me riled up. This morning I watched in silence as she skipped across the street and back with coffee from her man buddy, Al’s. I’m working on less conversation about her. More will be poison. Obviously I have to talk about her here. I know I cannot eliminate it altogether. I am, alas, too human. I am like Sheba with a bone. I will do the best I can. I know I am a good person. I do not work at causing somebody misery for no reason. I know my true self.

 

MY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

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Day 2 of this writing challenge. It is a challenge, too. Maybe I should have started in the morning when I was fresh and had no time to be depressed yet. Now in mid afternoon, I am tired and stuck on my treadmill of thinking and thinking. I’m reminded of Portia Nelson’s poem, There’s a Hole in the Street. There’s a hole in the street and I’m in it.

It’s not that I’m just sitting and thinking. I’m tapping on my keyboard and sipping peppermint and ginger tea. I think I will take a tylenol to rid this overthinking headache. I’m not crying, Oh poor me! Really I’m not but poor me anyways. This is not where I want to be in life right now. But it is where I am. I better just suck it up.

I love Pema Chodron. I love her book When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I love her quotes.

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not squeamish about taking a good look.”

“Our whole world falls apart, and we’ve been give this great opportunity.  However, we don’t trust our basic wisdom mind enough to let it stay like that.  Our habitual reaction is to want to get ourselves back—even our anger, resentment, fear, or bewilderment.  So we re-create our solid, immovable personality as if we were Michelangelo chiseling ourselves out of marble.”

“We don’t set out to save the world; we set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people’s hearts.”

I do feel as if I’ve fallen in that hole. I’ve been going down that same damn street forever. Now I don’t even have Sheba to keep me company. Yes, I do feel that my world has fallen apart. Nothing stays the same forever. I shall use this window of opportunity to find a new street to walk.

 

 

 

CHINESE NEW YEAR IN APRIL

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April/Day 4/20 for the Ultimate Blog Challenge

These days of challenges keep coming at me, at everyone. We need to keep informed of how the world is but the numbers keep climbing. They get scarier and scarier. I’m trying to stay grounded and all but I worry. I worry about my mother’s upcoming appointment at the Eye Centre at the hospital next week. I worry about her vulnerability. At the same time I worry about her eyes not getting checked. I weigh the pros and cons. I will phone Monday to see what they say.

We are in a lockdown. They tell us to stay home. Life goes on though. Sometimes we must go out and sometimes we must let others in. When to go out and who to let in? We never gave it a thought before. Now everything is a dilemma. In the end we called and let the plumber in. A not well draining kitchen sink can be very stressing. Lucky or unlucky our kitchen sink upstairs is connected to the one downstairs. The plumber need not come up at all. Well draining pipes can make me diliriously happy. I’m happy to wash, clean and wipe things down.

It is still winter in April. Snow came down in buckets. It was enough for me to tell Sheba: No walk today. You can have a treat. She paced, gave me a few looks but plopped down on her pillow. She’s an old girl. She got her treats and was satisfied. I am just too tired today to fight the wind and snow today. Sometimes it is good to take a break and give myself a break and a rest.

How are you all doing out there? I will be alright in a minute or two. I’ve learned today that if I keep up with maintenance, life could be easier. I wouldn’t get so stressed in tricky times. But I am learning. I’ve cleaned out 3 under the sink cupboards. I got one more to go – the one in the basement kitchen. I’m cleaning house for Chinese New Year. It’s late this year but it’ll bring so much happiness now that there is room for it. That’s our tradition for New Year. Clean house before the new year. You don’t want to do any sweeping in the new year. You might sweep out good fortune. But we’re making a new tradition in these times. Happy Chinese New Year in April.

 

RETRIEVING OUR SOULS

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April 3/20 for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’m feeling a bit challenged now. Once you’ve known anxiety, it comes back to visit now and again. It shivers through my body. I sit with it, offering acceptance and friendship. We are well acquainted. There’s no need to be afraid. We can sip tea and chat together. We have the time. There is no frenzy, no hustle and bustle. No mad rushing off to anywhere. We are hunkered down here in this space and time. Perhaps we can learn how to retrieve our souls.

It is another bright sunny April day. Snow is still on the ground. Sheba and I walk around the neighbourhood and to the nearby park. There’s a couple of kids  in the back alley. They’re loading a toboggan in the back of a car. A young mother and her little boy walks by. We keep our distance. We come to the playground. Yellow ribbons hang from the swings. Signs posted it’s closed till further notice. All is quiet and sad under the April sun.

On our way home, we pass a few people walking, all observing social distancing. There is little conversation or greeting. There is little signs of joy.We see our neighbour unloading  groceries from her car as we neared our back alley. We waved and greeted each other. We had a loud conversation at a distance. Sheba had to join in, making it harder. My neighbour looked tired. I am sure she is. I am sure we all are. We need some soul work.

We are still in a state of emergency. We have this time and experience to rethink of what is essential, what is not and what adds quality to our lives. I’m doing the exercise of taking notes daily of how everything is affecting me during this time of the pandemic. What makes me feel good? What makes me feel bad, sad or frighten? Right now, I’m feeling a little nervous, a little sad. It’s the end of the day. I’m allowed. Maybe I will have a glass of wine.