Isn’t it funny how time slips away? And isn’t it funny how memories can bring tears to your eyes? So not to let memories fill me with sadness and tears, I’ve made another run at my day. I don’t want my precious time to just slip away. What better way to bring myself back to the here and now than to step out of the house. I’m greeted with morning sunshine and blue skies. Hello Saturday! It’s nice to see you.
Then it is into the greenhouse. It is still green and lush with growth. I can’t complain of it being barren and empty. I might even get a bitter melon or two afterall. Aphids destroyed most of my plants early in the season. So I’m crossing all my fingers and toes.
It is amazing how time slips away when I am not paying attention. I had intentions of writing this post this morning but look. It is afternoon. I also had intentions of attacking the weeds in the yard this morning, too. I don’t know what happened. Grocery shopping took longer than I anticipated. I hadn’t done it for a long time. I gave that up to the guy after he complained I took too long and bought too much. He’s away sailing. It is our grocery day and it is Seniors Day. I had to take on the shopping challenge.
What I have learned is everything takes longer than anticipated. Everything is harder/easier than I thought. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I fail. I’m learning to look at all outcomes as learning experiences. Mistakes are great teachers. They teach me to try different things and different ways. Now I look at them as great adventures. Wayne Dyer was right when he wrote Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life.
I’ve read that book and I know that it is true. But there’s different levels of knowing. Now, in this moment, I really know it. It is that AHA moment. Just Like great ideas, if you don’t write it down, it will disappear again. That’s why I write and participating in these Ultimate Blog Challenges. And I do love words and how they can flow into pictures and stories. It pays to take the time to sit and work at it when I’m blocked. There’s value for my time instead of letting it slip away scrolling through things that don’t matter a damn.
It’s almost the end of the afternoon. It is not all lost. I got a wee bit of weeding done. Being overwhelmed by those creeping bellflowers, I thinned some of the carrots instead. It is very hard work, bending over the raised bed, assessing and pulling. I muttered quite a bit. It’s no wonder some people do not garden. It is much easier to get the vegetables from the store. It’s not just growing and harvesting. There’s storing them, too. We still have carrots harvested last autumn. Though I muttered a lot, I know I will get over the hard stuff and keep doing it till I can’t. I guess that’s passion.
I’m feeling my fragility this morning. I’m afraid to go there, not even knowing where ‘there’ is. It’s well known it’s not good to watch the news before bedtime. It applies to reading news posts on social media with my morning tea, too. I’m greatly disturbed by 2 articles this morning. The first one on Mads Mikklesen, a Norweigan tourist being blocked from entering the U.S. The 2nd story involves an unprovoked attack on an Afghan toddler in Moscow airport.
I really don’t have the time or energy for this but it’s hard to avoid or resist bad news. My human nature of curiosity gets the best of me and I investigate further into the story of John Hunt even though it added to my distress and worsen my mental health. If I am to live in this world, I have to be awake to it all. Let me be a big girl, grow up and develop a strong backbone. I can do it.
It’s taking me time to write this post. There’s so much to do. I’m so weighed down with all my feelings. The only thing to do is push, push and push through despite everything. So I’ve paid this month’s bills and swept the sunroom floor. Though I was sagging with emotions and the humidity from our weird thunder and rain storms, I’ve repotted 4 of my mother’s house plants. It felt good to seem the plants perk up after. In between raindrops, I planted a row of coneflowers and a few marigolds in mom’s/dad’s frontyard flowerbed.
It didn’t feel so hard after everything was said and done. I was tired and sweaty but happy. I loaded the wheelchair and got my father into the car and off we went to the mall for a leisurely stroll and coffee.
Thursday, April 17. Day 17 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I took a rest day yesterday. I was busy and did not feel the need of ‘I must.’ I took a rest from my 100 days of teacups and April Love as well. Now I must jump back on the bandwagon. No easy task.
A rest sometimes leads to more and more rest. Pretty soon, it’s “Oh, what the heck. Do I really need this?” So I am curbing that urge and getting on with things. I’ve already mopped the kitchen floor and washed the breakfast dishes. It’s my way of breaking the ice in the morning. Now, I’m on my second cup of tea. Lunch will be a salad, garlic ribs and rice. The hard decision made for the day.
I have an urge to work on changing the theme for this website. I will resist the urge, remembering my goal of keeping things easy and simple for April. Messing around will no doubt waste a lot of energy and time. I need that time for the garden, coffee with my father, clearing some of my mother’s things and filing my income tax. That tax thing always sits heavy on my mind every year. I should just get over it. 13 days left till the deadline. Yikes!
There’s a lot of truth in sayings. Everything does pass. If we can hang on, ride it out, things have a way of working out on its own. So that is what I did. I’ve passed those dangerous times of dark times and dark moods. I won’t say it’s smooth sailing from now on. But I am at ease and have regained some energy. I look forward to the mornings though I know I will wake in the dark. I can handle it. It is ok because in my mind’s eye, I can see and feel those sunny mornings. And if I can’t I can snuggle and luxuriate in the warmth of the bed.
I am enjoying the autumn, of slowly putting the garden and yard spaces to rest. I’m going with the tide, slowing down and resting my body and mind. There is no need to struggle. I have time to cook and simmer and fill the house with wonderful aromas. Somehow they have the power of lighting up my inner world. And while I’m prepping the garden for sleep, I am also preparing for the spring. I’m gathering seeds, drying and storing them. Come February, the waking process starts.
There is many things to do and enjoy. There’s time to do and enjoy. But I know dark times and dark moods can come again. Today I’m reminded of the prayer of St. Teresa of Avila. It is very comforting when comfort is needed.
Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you, All things are passing away: God never changes. Patience obtains all things Whoever has God lacks nothing; God alone suffices.
I haven’t made too much progress with life. I am still mired up to my eyeballs with things to do. August is a month of bounty. Our gardens are in full production. A casual stroll through the home garden and greenhouse can yield a bucket of tomatoes, cucumbers, bitter melons and peppers. A trip to our city allotment could bring back pails of beans. Thankful that the peas are done and processed. I’m happy that the snow peas at our community garden plot are also done. I still have a batch in the fridge to process.
I’m really not complaining. Having this much produce is a good problem. But I am feeling a little squished for energy. I don’t have much time to sit and contemplate my navel. There’s not much time for reading . It is all very good. I do have purpose. The house is a mess. The dining room table is full odds and ends and tomatoes waiting to be sauced or eaten. It’s nothing to feel stressed and bad about. I do the things with deadlines. I stop worrying about the rest. I don’t have time to be bored or depressed. If I do, there’s always tomatoes and beans to be processed. And of course, there’s always tomorrow.
It is well into the evening and time for bed. But it is good for my mental health to make a little time to capture some thoughts and feelings. It is a little rest and time to inhale, exhale and say good night. Sweet dreams.
November 29. Good morning. It’s another new day. I’m irked, dissatisfied, restless and a bit anxious. I don’t want it to spill onto my nice blank page. Instead, let me begin with my gratitudes.
I am grateful that the sun is shining over my right shoulder just now.
I am grateful that I got turkey soup cooking in the Instant Pot. I am taking in its nourishing aroma.
I am grateful for my encounter with my mother’s neighbour yesterday while I was there shovelling. We had a nice little conversation about our families. It made me feel that it is possible to have neighbours who are kind and courteous, that we can share a conversation without a shouting match.
I am grateful that I have this page to unload my emotions, good and bad upon. It loosens up all the thoughts whirling in my head. I can then empty the toxic ones so that I can move on with my day.
I am not very skill or agile with moving on. I stutter, stumble and repeat my errors like a broken record player playing the same track over and over. I am trying hard to push and hurdle over those stuck places. If I am persistent, try hard and often enough, one day I will succeed and just leap over the obstacles. I am experiencing that phenomenon with practicing scales on the piano. What was so difficult at first became a little easier each time I practice. Then all of a sudden it seems, my fingers knew instinctively where to go. Of course it was not all of a sudden. It took many hours of practice.
November 30. Good afternoon. It is another day and my page is not so blank. How quickly time and the day gets away on me when I am not centered and without a plan. I am easily distracted with stuff even though I have no need. And more time is wasted on being distressed by my weakness. I have to let it go. I cannot get the time already spent back. I am having trouble pushing through my hurdles. Do I need to lower the bar a bit or leap a little higher? Which way should I go? I’ve been in this race for a long time. I’m not getting any younger. I cannot afford baby steps. I hate that term – baby steps, don’t you? I am not a baby. I need to stop whining and treading water. If I can’t make a giant step forward, I can break it down to bold steady steps onward. Stop the crying and excuses. Let’s go!
It’s almost a month since I’ve been here. It feels like a very long time. I’ve lost that sense of hominess for this space. That’s what happens when you get lost on your way home. I guess I will have to work my way back. Life feels so busy at this end of the toilet roll. Time speeds away on me. There’s never enough of it and there’s never a good time for a visit here. There’s always that ‘oh, maybe tomorrow.’
I’m finally sick of that refrain. I decided right this minute, I must find the words and rhythm again. I must find the way back to myself again. So here I am, laptop on my lap and feet up on the stool. I’m tired having baked 6 loaves of bread and done the cleaning. The loaves are cooling on the rack. I’ve ate 2 slices for sustenence and energy. It is that time in August when I start to feel a bit of autumn melancholy. The sun doesn’t show up at 5 or even at 6 am. I miss the early light but at least on most days, the sun shines at 7.
The weather and the world are chaotic. Still there are many things to be grateful for. I would be in a better space to name them all but I am at the end of the day. I’ve bagged the bread. They are now in the freezer. The garden is watered, whatever needs to be watered. I’m ready for supper and that glass of wine. And tomorrow if I time things right, I can return with my list of gratitude. I hear the call to the table.
Here we are on day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m set to write the ultimate post on all about me. It’s a few years since I wrote the ABOUT and ABOUT ME pages for this blog in 2012. It’s time for an update.
I like to think I haven’t changed much but time has a way of showing up. I have a few more bags under my eyes and chin. My hair is still pretty dark. There’s but a few strands of white. It’s finer and much softer, the things I wished for in younger years. Now I wish I had the then coarseness and thickness. There’s no pleasing me. Then suddenly this year the crepey skin appeared. No amount of moisturizing could fix it. I guess I can join the club of women echoing that I’ve earned every line and wrinkle. I accept it but I can’t realy feel proud. I rather be wrinkle-free. Perhaps I am vain.
My goals/purpose for this space are still the same. I am still excavating, peeling back the layers, discovering and getting to know myself. I have had long periods when I am stuck, my archeology pickaxe dull and ineffectual. The layers refused to budge. I was stagnant, unable to go forth and grow. Looking back now I have a clearer vistage of my life journey and how I came to be. I can almost say, Ah, I see how it is! It is rather an exciting moment.
This November Ultimate Blog Challenge feels akin to a beginning of a school year. I have always loved school. I was never one wishing for summer holidays. I was that way about working also. There were some very hard stressful days, months and years. But I always found something exciting, meaningful and fulfilling in my work. I never counted down the days and hours to retirement. And here I am, retired for 8 years. I had a little difficulty deciding on the date and suffered PTSD (self-diagnosed) for 3 years in retirement. I suppose this blog gave me space to ventilate. It’s my Sit Spot. I come here to observe and tap. Tapping on the keyboards and seeing the letters march across the screen was comforting and gave me solace somehow.
I have lost some of that magic over the last year or so. You would think that the pandemic would be a catalyst for more writing. But not. It was the same with retirement. I had so many stories from work. I had time to write about them. When retirement came, all the stories, memories and desire to tell went. Maybe, no, definitely the stress of things wore and eroded my zest for learning and life. I had been feeling no pleasure and meaning in the things that used to please me. But I am feeling a spark again. I will be working this month to fan the spark. I want to bring more joy and meaning back to my days. I hope I can share them with you.
Can I tell you something? It is difficult to write and work on being stuck when you are! Sometimes I feel so disgusted with myself. I try not to stay there. Yesterday I talked about how much time we spend on scrolling. I know that I haven’t always done so. I was a very late comer to the computer and smart phone. I was the smart one then. I’m not so now. It’s really not my fault. I fell into the same trap as many other people. Now I am determined to get out.
Instead of wasting time fighting my urges, I gave in and let my fingers wandered over the buttons, the mouse and keyboard. My brain still has some control over where they go. It can still say, enough now! I found this video this morning on clutter. It was a bit long, an hour. But since that’s what I am working on, it was well worth my time. I made my breakfast while I listened to it. I got some value from it.
I agree that the 3 things to work on are my emotions, time and stuff. And to work slow and prioritize, of course. I am not what you would call a hoarder. My house is not jam packed with stuff. I am a clutterer from way back, getting worse with each day. I tend to drop things wherever they happen to land. They never seem to be able to find a home. My worse traps are the dining room table and my desk.
The best time to work on anything is the present moment. That cuts the procrastination. I took her hint, got a box and cleared off my dining room table into it. That is, whatever could fit. Other times, I used a shoebox. I have a few of them around, waiting to be sorted and emptied. Next, I whipped off the tablecloths and threw them, along with a few other items into the washer. What a relief! I’ve been wanting to do that for quite a few days, but unable to, being paralyzed by emotions of I don’t know how. I know it sounds silly and lame. It is what it is.
I know my laundry is done by now. Time to hang it/put in dryer. I’ve done some dreaded dusting in the bedroom. The drapes are taken down and in the washer. It’s the blackout ones I made and hung last year. I’m sure they would appreciate a wash. Now that I’ve done that, I am not sure why it was so hard. I guess the hard part is if you don’t move, it’s hard to get it done. By taking ClutterClarity’s advice on going slow, I did kinda enjoy the process. It is nice to have a cleared table again. The next stop is my desk.
onethousandandtwo 