Tag Archives: start

I FOUGHT MYSELF AND I WON

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January 4, 2019  4:41 pm

I have heard that I’m my own worse enemy. It could be true. I’m always wrestling with myself, getting myself all knotty over nothing alot of the time. Life shouldn’t have to be that difficult or complex. It does not need micro managing. A little chaos now and again keeps it fresh and interesting. I need to loosen up, have a little fun and just do the best I can. Nobody is judging me except myself.

How am I going about doing it? Well here is the plan. It’s not well-laid but it’s a start. Movement/action is the most important thing. Otherwise I’ll be crouched and frozen at the starting line till I fall over.

  •  Stop judging and comparing myself. It is probably the most difficult thing.
  • Try not to fall off the plan. If I do, I need to get back on or adjust if it’s not a good one.
  • the 3 musts – sleep, diet, exercise
  • Do Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages and Artist Dates.
  • Tend to things as they arise. Do not leave them for the morrow.
  • Read The Four Agreements again.

These are some of the things in my plan. They are enough for now. More can be too much and overwhelming. These grey wintry days are hard for me and my moody personalities. I can’t see my evil twins. They come from the inside out, erupting from within. I am without warning. But I am a little more cognizant now but often I forget till after the damage is done.

My moody sisters can stall me, leaving me open mouthed and stammering. What the hell? It takes a little while before things click and I take back control.  But sometimes they do steamroll over me. I’m flattened and down without recognizing their handiwork. It is those times I fall off the wagon and lack the will/strength to climb back on. What is the use, was my mantra.

I try not to say that or other negatives any more. Words are powerful and what I tell myself and others matter. I have to change and sing a different tune.

 

 

MY CLAIM TO SUCCESS

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This winter never will never end. It snowed again this morning. I see fine flakes floating around. I wonder if spring will come this year. The snow, the melt, the ice and water is wearing me down. They are all the things that I have no control. I better buckle up, give my buttercup self and pep talk and march on.

I’m marching one letter, then another across this page. I’m stringing them into words, sentences and thoughts. It gives me comfort to bend and tap my fingers on the keyboard. I am being proactive. I’m brainstorming and problem solving. I am not sitting inert in my gloom and misery. I am not stuck in myself. I’m sitting in my therapy chair, the therapist and patient, all in one. It’s very cost and otherwise effective. I don’t have very far to go and I’m not boring some stranger with my whining.

Since I have no one to impress but myself, I tend to stay with the facts. It cuts down the feeling sorry for myself blues. I have been paying attention to my conversations with other people. I find no satisfaction in reiterating past events and past wrongs. Rather, the opposite happens. It leaves me feeling worse. The best course of action for me is to leave it here on the page. I can censor, edit, add and delete here. In the physical world, once the cat is out of the bag, you can’t get it back in. Sometimes I would suffer the claw wounds if that was possible. It isn’t – POSSIBLE.

I’m just back from my afternoon walk with Sheba. Had thoughts of skipping today as it looked HARD with more wet snow. I had a talk with myself and buckled up my resolve. Don’t think. Put the leash on Sheba, shoes on me and GO. It worked and was easier than yesterday. Another difficult task done. I find so many things difficult. I am such a whiner. I whine but I do them. I almost said, let’s go out for lunch, too. The thought of bringing out and banging the pans around felt HARD. I was groaning inside. But once I started chopping the onions, the rest was history. The secret of any success is the START. It really isn’t such a secret but it feels good to claim the discovery of it.

 

START – Day 24 in a year of…

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Day 24, August 15, 2016 @3:10

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.   -Viktor E. Frankl

IMG_7227I struggle every day in the short or long of that space.  Do I bend and pick up the dropped object or do the natural inclination of walking around it?  Sometimes, even that is too much.  I just want to sleep.

I am fighting back against inclination and old habits of giving in.  I am here another day to make new grooves of – showing up, of starting and doing of intentions.  What good are words without actions?

IMG_7235I have learned from experience it’s more effective to strike while the iron is hot.  And these dog days of summer are hot.  You wouldn’t think it is a good time to knit a sweater – a mohair one at that.  But why not and when would it be a good time?  I could find no answer to the why or when.  I have started.  The pattern is chosen.  The stitches cast.  Knit one, purl one.  One row is done. The next STARTED.  I’m on my way towards a sweater.  By December or January, I might have a new sweater to wear. How about that? Have you started something today?

Till tomorrow.

Day 6 in a year of…

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Day 6, July 28, 2016 @3:43.

IMG_6738Summer afternoons are delicious for drinking beer and taking naps.  I’ve had my little nap but I better wait till I’ve tapped out some words before I crack a can.  Otherwise, I might fall over my keyboard.  Asian women cannot hold their liquor.  At least not this one.  It isn’t fair.  So many things in life aren’t.  But at least, I’m getting better at doing selfies.  Oh, no, not another! You say.  Sorry but yes, another.  It’s never too much to say, I love you to myself.  I’ve waited all these years to start.  I’m not stopping now – or ever.  I will stop the selfie one day when I really feel love and acceptance residing in my core.

These days of getting up, making up and showing up have given me structure.  When I am not feeling my best, I’m looking my best.  I take note, sit/stand a little taller.  I don’t feel as if I had fallen off a vegetable truck – even if I feel it. When I look in the mirror, I’m surprised and delighted.  I can push on to another day in the year of choosing something different.

I’m glad I took up this project.  There’s really no right or wrong time to do anything. When an idea captures your imagination, you have to act on it.  Otherwise, nothing will happen. Nothing.  There is so much dead air in that word.  Nothing.  Say it again.  It has the sound of a heavy metal door closing.  Nobody has the key.  You are trapped in that nothingness.IMG_6736

That is not where I want to be.  I want to move ahead.  I’ve crossed off two items on my list today.  Working on another and maybe another.  I will add to it each day, too.  There’s movement.  There’s trying and doing.  There’s life.  

Now I will crack open that beer and grab a plate of snacks. Want to tour my front yard and see what is new?  My petunias are still in full bloom.  I have planted a honey suckle and clematis by the water tank.  I hope they will thrive and grow and climb up its sides to add aesthetics to it.  In the raised beds, the hot chilli peppers are numerous, carrots  in various stage of growth, green and bulb onions, Romaine lettuce, kale, and cucumber.  Not a bad yield at all.  How is your garden doing