STRUTTING IT IN MY STYLE

Posted on June 16, 2019 by hafong

Saturday, my favourite day of the week. The sky and air are heavy, pressing their weight on me. It is difficult to feel at ease with the day. I am proceeding as best as I can. The time is appropriate to be reading Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You, A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. There are many places and things that scare me but I am learning to sit and stay with them. I am learning to be a warrior-bodhisattva though I am at times quivering in my seat.

I should really come here regularly, more often than I have of late. I should but haven’t. I am really doing the best I can most days. I should give up the shoulds and just accept myself as I am. The complete acceptance of ourselves as we are is called maitri. The 4 qualities of maitri that are cultivated when we meditate are: steadfastness, clear seeing, experiencing our emotional distress and attention to the present moment.

It’s Sunday morning. It has drizzled overnight. The sky is overcast but the sun is trying to show up. I am, too. I am glad to have an art challenge to do. When the going gets tough, it is helpful to have a ‘chore’ to do. I’m doing Daisy Yellow’s annual ICAD (index card a day). It gives me a start to the day when I’m in stuck mode. I’ve been feeling stuck for too long now. At the end of the day I’ve created one thing even if it is the only thing.

Today is such a day. I haven’t even gotten out of my pjs. I should have used the momentum from the paint session to propel myself forward onto another activity. I didn’t. But I did learned that once I put a splash of paint on the card, it painted itself. The paint and brush had a life of their own. They were guiding and soothing me. I was infused with this exquisite feeling inside. My judgement and criticisms of my work and style evaporated. I was happy just pushing the paint around the card. I felt delicious just being me, painting the way I do. Perhaps I’m not stuck but just staying with being myself.

SELF ANALYSIS

Posted on May 4, 2019 by hafong

It’s another Saturday. I’m still on my sabbatical from my Saturday morning swim. I’ve given in to my natural state of inertia. It’s nice to have a rest and enjoy the nothingness of a weekend morning. I was tempted to resist all physical efforts but the stiffness from yesterday’s tabata workout urged me to do my qigong routine. I was happy that I could overcome my resistance. I’m loosened and more relaxed for the rest of the day.

I want to get back into the swim next week or my inertia could go on forever. I am like that. A reminder that I have two big credit card bills coming due motivated me to settle them right after breakfast. It’s a wise move to do the hard things first. It lifts that burden so my mind is not preoccupied with it all day. I have learned some things in April. They’re working for me. I’m gaining small pockets of organization here and there. I am pleased. I have worked hard last month. It’s time to sit back a little and not be so uptight about everything.

But I know myself. I’m a bit anal. I am obsessive by nature. If something grabs my attention, it is difficult for me to do small doses at a time. So now that I’ve identified this trait in me, I’ll probably obsesse about correcting it. I guess it is not a bad thing but I will try to modify myself. I never run out of goals. I’m a self-improvement junkie. I think it is in my genes but at least it is not about drugs.

I’ve really enjoyed the free version of The Brain Change Summit presented by Sounds True. Brain health is another of my obsessions. I didn’t have time and energy to catch them all but was happy to catch the one on the Alzheimer’s Solution by Dr. Dean and Ayesha Sherzai. It was an excellent presentation with no magic cures/pills. The solution is more about prevention. I shall add their book to my list of readings. Enough muttering for now. Time for a little down time with Kinsey Millhone in O is for Outlaw.

LIFE, FORGIVENESS, LOVING

Posted on November 17, 2018 by hafong

November 16, 2018 8:00 am

I am an early bird nowadays. It helps to have an alarm clock named Sheba. She’s right on the money. She’s always goes off on time, being early sometimes but never late. I don’t mind. I appreciate her steadfastness. I’ve grown to love the early risings and the peace with the morning hours. I try not to squander this precious time away.

As I’ve said yesterday, I’m watching Caroline Myss’s Reflections video series on Initiation by Fire. I’ve watched the first one on forgiveness. I’ve started the one on love today. I love listening to Caroline. Her teachings are always so profound – to me anyways. It’s so strange that lately that the topics I picked are exactly what I’m needing most urgently. Her wisdom comes at a most opportune time.

I love what she says about initiation and forgiveness. In order for it to happen, we/I have to change/transform ourselves/myself. I will have to chip away at myself until something gives and shifts within me. My heart does feel like a giant boulder, unyielding and ungiving. But already I’ve felt a sliver chipped away. I am recognizing some of my triggers, some of my faults. It is along these fault lines that I will place my chisel and hammer away.

November 17, 2018 2:08 pm

Saturday afternoon. I’m sipping tea. I said I would not waste time scrolling my life away. BUT I have. Checking this and that. Looking up stuff that probably doesn’t matter a damn. It’s a habit hard to kick. I sit back, take another sip and heave another big sigh. I close my eyes and try to empty my mind of all useless nagging things. The tylenol helps.

I’ve had a busy morning. I was a little tardy heading to the pool but I got my almost 20 lengths in. 18 is close enough. Then it was off to my embroidery class at the Sewing Machine Store. Oh, the traffic coming and going! The cars are still whizzing by in my head. If you are not in the right lane for turning, you end up in a shopping mall with more cars whizzing around and around. My head was already throbbing with info on threads, needles, stabilizers and whatnot. Then I had to navigate my way out and back on the street.

Driving out of SuperStore’s parkade with my barbecue chicken for lunch, I said no to the Saskatoon Weavers and Spinners Guild’s annual sale. It would have been interesting to see their creatives and demonstrations of weaving and spinning. But I am maxed out. So here I sit tapping out my fatigue. I think I need another cup of tea and ponder life a little. It’s a worthwhile consideration.

Yesterday, an ambulane followed me into the parking lot of a shopping mall. I came out of Shoppers Drug Mart to the flashing lights of a police car and firetruck. Paramedics were doing CPR on a man on the stretcher by the ambulance. I could see that he was not elderly and had reddish brown hair. His skin was quite pink beneath the pumping of the paramedics arms. They were doing a good job of perfusion or was it just the cold on bare skin? I do not know the outcome. Life is like that – precarious and unsettling.

Yes, I shall have that second cup and watch Session 2, Loving on Initiation by Fire with Caroline Myss.

D is for DISCIPLINE

Posted on March 4, 2018 by hafong

Saturday

The snow storm came this morning. I was happy it came later rather than sooner. I made it to the embroidery seminar before the blowing snow gave me thought for pause. Being that there was 3 of us made it easier to get chummy and chatty. One of us was already very skilled. I had no experience. She was very generous in offering her help. It’s handy she lives in my area. I will probably call her up sometimes.

Sunday

It was a brief conversation yesterday. I was short on time and energy. But I am back. I’m working on the discipline thing. It would be easy to while the morning away reading Sue Grafton’s Y is for Yesterday. I should not have read the reviews before I read the book. It colours how I am finding it. I am agreeing that it is long and a bit tedious, confusing, and repetitous. Would I feel the same if I had not read the reviews? I will never find out now. Still, it is worth the read because it is Sue Grafton. She must have written it while battling cancer. I have a lot of respect for her.

Yes, these mornings I am digging deep to find my discipline bone, to lay aside the book after awhile. I need to get on with other things. It’s a difficult task even if I like doing the other stuff. My body’s natural inclination is to stay in the same old, same old. My brain’s had enough practice now to step in. Put the book down! Paint your 365 Somethings 2018 index card. I heard its voice in my head. I sigh and put the book down. The index card is painted. Projects keep me moving somehow or another. At the end of the year I will have 365 little postcard watercolour paintings. I hope my paintings will be better and better.

The bedding is in the wash AGAIN. For some reason they still smelled of Sheba. We love her but not her stink. She is also laundered two days ago. Now her fluff is floating around. The work never ends. It’s a good thing because if it does, what would it mean? I’m pepping myself up with a cup of decaf. It still has the caffeine taste. That’s good enough for me. I best go and check on the laundrey. They’re probably ready for the dryer now. Then it will be time for lunch. Best not to be late. We have tickets to see Gabriel Dumont’s Wild West Show at 2 pm.

S IS FOR STUDENT AND SATURDAY

Posted on February 24, 2018 by hafong

It’s Saturday, my favourite day of the week. It is sunny and warm , -1 Celsius at the moment. Maybe now the warmer temperatures will prevail. 2018 is the most difficult February I have experienced in a long while. Even being sunny and warm, I feels at odds with the day. I nixed swimming this morning, choosing not to doubt my lack of well being. Sheba is feeling the same. She is behaving out of character, choosing to lay out in the snow by herself for long periods. It could be that she’s miffed at me for cleaning her ears. Or else she’s got spring fever.

It was worrisome that I couldn’t entice her in with a treat. But she looked relaxed. She is smart. She knows how to get back in. It’s nice to have some quiet time without her barking and fussing for attention. I can watch and listen to Caroline Myss. It has been difficult to find the time and the quiet. Today I’m watching the workshop on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices recorded in Sedonia, Arizona last February. She is such a good teacher. How serendipitous that she is coming out of a bad cold then as many of us here, including myself (though not so bad) are now.

I feel at times embarrassed that I am so enthused of her teachings.They resonate with me. I have been listening to her for a long time. Today, I really understood the meaning of archetypes and their animation. I love learning – especially about life. I can’t help being a student. That archetype is in and alive in me. I can’t stop myself from listening to spiritual teachers. It is the same with the artist archetype in me. I’ve been talking about it for many, many years but have done nothing about it until now . The artist have finally came alive in the past year or so. Sometimes I can’t believe it myself. The paintings just came out of me – on their own it seems. Who am I to argue with them? They wanted to come out. It is their time.

This is a powerful workshop and long consisting of 10 videos, each averaging an hour long. I’ve finished number 3. Now it is almost 6 pm. Time to close for the day. I’m glad that I’ve developed the habit of getting up and showing up – here to tap out my words, feelings, learning and taking Sheba out for her daily walk. ~~Sometimes~~ Often I don’t want to but the established habit/routine enables me to carry through. Today I’ve learned of habits of the heart/soul, Habitus Maximus. They’re the ones that will help me to a congruent person. There’s so much to learn. It is exciting.

TRYING – day 199 in a year of…

Posted on February 11, 2017 by hafong

Day 199, February 11, 2017 @3:56 pm

I love trying, making efforts to have a better day, to be kinder and more compassionate, to talk less and listen more, to be more active and less sedentary. I love trying to be just a little better at everything than before. So easy to maintain status quo, dust my hands off and say good enough. I feel a bit of a hipocrate because that’s what I often say. But I am trying in this year of doing different.

There’s so many lessons in our everyday little things, little nuggets of wisdom. I see and hear them when I stop my chattering and fretting. I can hear the voice talking to me. Then I know what it is that I need to do – divine guidance. I take a moment to register it. It makes me feel good. It makes me smile.

That was the way it was this morning. It really is not easy to head out in the dark for a morning swim. The thought is nauseating but I also remember how good it feels after. So I head out. The fitness centre parking lot is pretty empty. The receptionist is just opening her desk. We give each other good mornings. I enter the empty locker room.

I was greeted by the life guard. The water was so still and blue, 3 ropes marking the empty lanes. I was elated as I waded into the warm water. A lane all to myself. No dodging another body. Nobody to grab my toes for going too slow. My solitary swim lasted 20 minutes but I had the lane to myself for 40 minutes. It was good enough. My back stroke is improving. Another Saturday morning swim. Will try again next week.

Swimming is fun. Life is good.

AN EXTRA CUP OF TEA – Day 71 in a year of…

Posted on October 1, 2016 by hafong

Day 71, October 1, 2016 @9:56

What is it about tea and me? What is it about that cup of brew that brings so much pleasure and comfort? Is it the pause it offers me – the time to put the kettle on and wait for it to whistle? When it does, then pouring the hot water over the teabag, fishing out the bag, spooning in honey and powdered milk. Little pregnant pauses – full of deliciousness of time suspended.

Perhaps my next doing different could be learning/developing my own tea ceremony. After all, I am Asian. I came from the land of tea. I have a kimono. I have a teapot. I have tea. My cupboard is filled packs of loose tea leaves from Sri Lanka – gifts from a friend. I have been too lazy and too impatient to do the process. My friend has discovered my laziness. Now she gives me teabags from Sri Lanka.

My extra cup is finished. I meander but it is Saturday. It is October 1. It is another new month, another new beginning. It is reason enough to celebrate. It still feels like a special day off, a suspension from the cares of the week. I shall relish it. How are you spending this Saturday?

SATURDAY IN FRANCE

Posted on October 18, 2014 by hafong

It’s Saturday morning in La Celle-Sous-Chantermerle. The sun is shining brightly. I have been to the market with our hostess while Rod is out bicycling with the men.

I am tap, tapping on my iPhone, getting proficient, doing almost everything I can do on a laptop. I’m not attempting to insert any photos,just enjoying the beauty of words in black and white.

I am reading Anne Lamott who says good writing is about telling the truth. We all want to know and understand ourselves but the process is about as easy and pleasurable as washing a cat.

I always tell/write the truth – as much as I am aware of it. Sometimes I have to tap very hard to get it out. Other times the truth comes tumbling out from my finger tips. Life is like that.

What is my truth this morning? My body is still rebelling but slowly coming around. I’m slowly learning to take time and just be. There really is no need to react and respond to any stimuli like an amoebae.

~
It is now evening. We have just returned from Provis, a world heritage medieval town from the 11th, 12th and 13th Century. I have to tell you I know very little of France and have not heard of it before. I cannot tell you my impressions. I have to let things sit and settle. I will have to do some research when I get home. More importantly I need some French language lessons.

The truth now is my thoughts are disjointed and I’m rambling like Lewis Carroll. It had worked for him so I’m going to carry on thus. Not everything needs to make sense. Sometimes there’s a lot of wisdom in nonsense. It sounds good anyways.

COME SATURDAY

Posted on May 31, 2014 by hafong

Today is one of those perfect, perfect Saturdays. I hear the Sandpipers song, Come Saturday Morning in my head.

“Come Saturday morning
I’m going away with my friend
We’ll Saturday-spend to the end of the day
Just I and my friend
We’ll travel for miles in our Saturday smiles
And then we’ll move on
But we’ll remember long after Saturday’s gone”

The song brings a picture of a happy sunny spring morning. And I am feeling mellow and happy. There is a spring to my step as Sheba and I started out on our walk.

The sun was shining, the air fresh and warm. The birds were singing their own melodies. In the park the children had ball practice. Sheba and I watched awhile and then we went on our way home.

The day has flown by. My peas and beans are finally coming up as well as the carrots. The potatoes are pushing their way out of the soil. As much as I love the birds in the yard, I do not want to share my garden goods with them yet.

I heard that shiny objects deter them. I hung a couple of shiny red bags along the fence where the peas are and strung some ribbons on the obelisk for the scarlet runners.

It looks a bit like a party, doesn’t it? I hope the birds don’t think and come!

SATURDAY JOY

Posted on May 10, 2014 by hafong

Oh, today was so loverly! The sun was shining and the skies so blue. We sashayed into the park with our heads held high and tails wagging. What beauty and joy laid before us!

Let us not waste time sighing and worrying about tomorrow. Let us not drag our feet behind. We must greet the day and our lives with glee and joyful anticipation. We are here today. Who knows where we will be tomorrow. Let the journey begin!

The road is long and winding, full of twists and turns. You just don’t know what can be around the corner. Life is like that, too. And that is a wonder. It keeps everything alive and fresh. It keeps you on your toes. Oh, what do we see when we looked up? Why, it’s a bird’s nest!

We cross a bridge and a babbling brook. All else was quiet. We heard our own footsteps and the calls of the birds. It is so peaceful and serene. I will stay awhile and breathe in the calm. Call me when you are ready to leave.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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