I, ME, MYSELF – BEING BEST FRIENDS

Posted on June 9, 2018 by hafong

My cold and cough are still with me. They do not make for good company in summer – or any other time of year. Like all bad company, they’re hanging on. My coughing fits woke me a few times in the night. In the end I had to get up and sleep on the couch as before. But at least I did sleep.

Life is very difficult with a nasty summer cold and no sleep. But it still has to go on somehow. I still have to get up, dress up and show up. It’s not an easy task even on an ‘ordinary’ day. Being susceptible to the ‘blues’, I’m being watchful, taking care not to let this take me down the path of depression. I’m alerted to the dangers of the brain not working properly. Anybody can be victims as we’ve seen in recent days with the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Being a celebrity chef and a fashion designer are not free tickets to life happily ever after.

There’s no shame in depression. There’s no shame in failing to thrive at all times. I just feel bad and annoyed at myself sometimes for the depression. Because really, it is very inconvenient. There’s things I have/want to do. It gets in the way. I’m learning to accept my ‘down’ times. I think my body and brain are telling me they need a rest. I think I better listen. They know me best. If I, me and myself don’t take care of each other, no one will. We are our best friends.

SUNDAY, BEFORE THE RAINS COME

Posted on April 15, 2018 by hafong

It is after lunch. Lethargy seeps into every part of me, body and mind. I want to vegetate forever and forever. If I was to allow it, the food, pots and dishes would sit there till mold grows. I wonder how I ever held down a job. The wonder of it was that I was in a high stress, 12-hour-shifts nursing profession for over 30 years. I thought I did well but looking back now, maybe not. I attended to the job but not to my life. My still-full laundry basket of laundered clothes still sits from 4 years ago when I was still working. Clearly, I haven’t missed those items. Maybe, too, I don’t want to dig into that basket of memories. BUT, I will tend to it today.

I have been missing in action here for a few days. I was tending to my body and soul. Sometimes I have to take a rest into the quiet, still my thoughts, silence my words and not let them march onto the page. Silence is golden. Some things I need to keep for myself. Otherwise, I will have nothing of my own. I will be emptied out.

It is hard to resume the conversation though. It is like the after lunch dishes. If left too long, things get stale and crusty. It would require more energy to get going. I had to get up and fetch a cuppa. My eyes were droopy. It would be so easy just to curl up and have a nap. But I’m stuttering on, letting my fingers find the rhythm and the letters. The clouds are gathering, the wind picking up. I hear a train whistle. I better not tarry. There’s Sheba to be walked – hopefully before the rains come.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

Posted on February 17, 2018 by hafong

I’m sitting in front of my keyboard trying for letters and words. Sheba is misbehaving and barky. We’ve been to the park. We did our two rounds. There were many dogs there since it’s Saturday. Sheba was happy just to sniff and amble at a leisurely pace. No chasing and messing much with other dogs. I guess she knew they were too fast for her. I can’t really blame her. I feel the same. I was tired before we got there. Two rounds were more than enough. Two old girls. At least we’re out and still trying.

I’ve been feeling very tough this week. We might have to cut back our outings to the park. Walking on uneven terrain and packed snow is tiring me out. It might be good to cut back on other things as well. I need to carve out some empty times for resting the body and mind. My days are filled with doing. I feel like a dentist. His assistant prepares and set up the patients. He goes down the line, one after another, like an assembly line. I do the same, doing one thing after another. I’m lacking time to process. I must get off this treadmill.

Too much of a good thing can be hazardous. The challenge now is how and what to cut back. I enjoy everything I’m doing – my art, writing, reading, knitting, needlework, learning my new sewing maching, my exercise classes…. My enjoyments are addictive. I guess I need to schedule ‘nothing’ periods in.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY

Posted on February 13, 2018 by hafong

I have to say I’m as tired as could be. Not that it was that full a day but it’s an accumulation of days. Though it is difficult to have the clarity of mind, I am here none the less. Sometimes just showing up can rejuvenate. I’m a wilting Lily getting a little water. Give me a few moments to perk up.

Maybe it would be wise for me to get some rest. I can still show up but I don’t have to run my battery at full throttle. It is not a must do or die thing. There’s no demand for my services really. I have no bosses to answer to, no job to show up for. It is just my own obsessions. So sit back, have a cup of tea or sip that glass of wine. Tomorrow is another day.

SUCCESS – Day 269 in the year of…

Posted on April 23, 2017 by hafong

Day 269, April 23, 2017 pm

One way of guaranteeing success is showing up and doing. Here I am. I will dispense with the fancy words and fancy pictures. But if they do pop up, I will use them.What is new for me today? David Whyte’s piece on Rest. It’s what I am trying to attain. He says it so well. So here it is:

I’ve been striving too hard to obtain whatever. Now I want to live into that essance of giving and receiving. It is the breathing in and the breathing out. That is what I have to remember, to come back to over and over when I have wandered into the exhausted, in wanting and striving for it all. I have forgotten about the pause and empty spaces. They are beautiful notes that pull everything together. I am remembering them today.

REST – Day 16 in a year of….

Posted on August 7, 2016 by hafong

Day 16, August 7, 2016@6:19

I am running a little later today. My doing different today is listening to the whispers of my body. I am feeling the fatigue of the fast approaching autumn and shorter days. So used to doing, doing, doing it is hard to stop. But then it is equally difficult to keep going. So I stopped and napped, letting go of everything for that time.

Now, I’m here in this space, tap, tapping out my words for the day. The rice is cooked. I’m waiting for the beans to casserole. Everything always takes longer than they say. Ah, it’s okay. I got the wine, the keyboard and pesky Sheba to keep me company. I wish dogs could bark in English. It’s hard to decipher one bark from another. I suppose she wants her afternoon walk. Maybe a few ear rubs will suffice. Change is good for dogs, too.

It was serendipitous that this morning I sat on the mindfulness for depression episode of the Mindfulness Summit 2015. I paid heed as I am prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have been lucky these last few years that I have not felt the severe symptoms of the past. I thank Melli O’Brien and Ruby Wax for their contribution to the mindfulness movement.

My beans are calling me. I must do the easy and simple and go. Till tomorrow.

ABANDONMENT

Posted on November 16, 2014 by hafong

It is morning, another day. I have rounded that corner. Hope has come with the morning light and sun beams. I bask once more in its warmth coming through the windows. Sheba will have to wait a little for her walk.

These weeks have felt like an eternity. Yet it is still November. There is still time. Time to write those stories, time to chronicle my time on this earth. I can start where I have left off. I can start with this very moment. There is no better time than this. I am not behind. I am not crazy. I am not perfect but I am not deficient.

*****

I could not resist the pull of nature after all. The sunshine and the great outdoors drew me out. I abandoned my words and took off to the park with my furry baby. I was too serious and melancholy still. I got sick listening to myself, to my words. There was a falseness to them. They did not ring true. I left them in mid air, unfinished, incomplete.

It is not a bad thing. There is a time and a season for everything under heaven. Or so the song goes. I do believe that if I could cuss up a blue streak, like in days of yore, it would give me great relief. But I am bereft of anger. Therefore I have no energy to bring forth the *#!. I can only tap out a few symbols. It is a sad state of affairs, I know. The volcano has died. The tiger lady has lost her growl. I am still striving to do my best, of course. The tiger is alive and lurking underneath it all.

My best today was the dog park with Sheba, followed by a nap and watching two movies in the afternoon. There is nothing wrong with pausing awhile. After all, today is Sunday, a day of rest. Did you rest?

RAINY DAY LAZIES

Posted on June 18, 2014 by hafong

It’s been raining on and off all day. It’s coming down hard as I speak, the rain spattering and running down the window. But it is one of those easeful, lazy kind of day. It is the kind that spells REST.

Sheba and I did go for our walk this morning. We both got dressed in our black rain gear and splashed our way through the puddles at leisure. What’s a little rain? The traffic around the neighbourhood was something else. With so many road detour blockage, our normally quiet side streets were abuzz with cars going every which way. Then a cyclist rode up behind us and rang his bell. Sheba did not like that! It was NOT relaxing.

I was not completely lazy. I managed a thing or two. I dusted my rock and seashell collection that I had brought back from Ghana. I listened to the music of Loreena McKennitt. I drank tea. Reading someone’s blog post on discovering your purpose and your calling, I discovered in that moment I didn’t want a purpose or a calling. I wanted just to live my life for myself. Would you call that selfish?

Selfish or not, I am elated that I have definite feelings about something. I’m not willy nilly after all. How wonderful that I’m not another sailor lost at sea. I have a sense of direction. Maybe that is what purpose is.

I did some filing and clearing of the desk, but somehow no matter how many pieces of paper I move, things didn’t look any better. But I remembered what Anne Lamott said about messes and clutter.

“But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived. Clutter is wonderfully fertile ground – you can still discover new treasures under all those piles, clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip. Tidiness suggests that something is as good as it’s going to get. Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breathe and move.”

And she is right! I am happily tapping away in my clutter, finding little nuggets in my piles.

RESTING ON MY LAURELS

Posted on May 2, 2014 by hafong

Now that April and the Challenge is over, I am resting on my laurels for a little while. Some of the habits have taken root though, and no matter what, I am still getting up, dressing up and showing up. It’s a good thing. Good habits saves time and make life easier. The energy saved is channelled towards other challenges. And life flows like a river. I will be ready when the water gets turbulent.

The snow and rain has gone. The sun has come out to warm our hearts and souls. My winter apparel, the hats, scarves and mitts has finally been put away. Time to celebrate the season of new beginnings and growth.

Life is sweet. It is time to eat, drink and be merry. Let us begin.

REST

Posted on December 9, 2013 by hafong

I am still struggling with this cold of mine. It is tiresome now and getting on my nerve! I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and let it out. Frustration never works. It just hampers healing. Though I resist it, rest is what I need.

I close my eyes and travel back to trying times in the past. I remember when I struggle the hardest, in my stubborn non-yielding way, things got more difficult. It is when I finally learn to surrender and open myself to the universe, that life became wondrous and magical again.

Everything is a circle. What goes up will come down. There will times of sadness and happiness. There will be health and illness. There will be darkness and light. And this cold, too, shall pass, if I am willing.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: rest