JUNE – metamorphosis 3

My finest hours are the early first ones in the morning. After I have my morning tea, I like to wander out into the yard, stretch my mind and body. I can call it my working garden meditation. This morning I wanted to check our haskaps. Sometimes the birds find their way in under the netting. So far they haven’t gotten tangled in it but I could hear them flapping, trying to get out. No birds this morning. I got a 1 gram honey container full of purple fruit. I have another container full from the other day. I shall clean and freeze them till I figure out what to do with them. Sometimes I wait too long to do things and they end up spoiling and wasted. So learning to move along timely is part of my June metamorphosis journey.

Harvesting, cleaning and storing our produce are important. Equally important is using them. I’ve been harvesting our rhubarb, washing, chopping and freezing them in their prime. I’ve done so in the past, but they sat in the freezer and ended up in the compost after a couple of years. This winter, someone will be making rhubarb wine. I might have to nag a little. I’m waiting till I get enough strawberries from our patch to make a rhubarb strawberry cobbler. I’m learning to plan a little instead of always flying by the seat of my pants.

I’m enjoying my second cup of tea. I hope I don’t fall back into my old habits of too much again. Me thinks I worry too much sometimes. It’s good to let go, pamper and treat oneself once in awhile. The other evening, I took the birthday boy out for supper. It is not an easy thing for me to celebrate anything or go to an unaccustomed restaurant. I sucked it up bit back my uncomfortable feelings and proceeded full speed ahead. It’s a curious thing but I used to get intimidated by hairdressers and waiters/waitresses in fancy places. They seemed sophisticated and me so country bumpkinish. But I decided I had enough of that and let it all go. Afterall I’ve been breathing and walking this earth a few years now. I’m feeling pretty sophisticated myself. I let go and had a blast. Even though it was not my birthday, I celebrated it as my own birth out of the cocoon.

You just know that it’s going to be a high priced ticket when a hostess escorts you to a table, followed by a waitress, each with a long welcoming speeches. I understood the game. It was quite enjoyable even before we had any wine. We had 4 free tasters so that we could choose the one we love. Somehow instead of having just a glass each, I got talked into ordering a bottle. I was gamed. I think that was already on my mind as we first stepped into the restaurant. You know when there are so many layers of servers, a big tip is expected. It reminded me of the how many people does it take to turn on the light bulb joke. The waitress took our orders but she did not bring the tasters nor the food. She bought the bottle of wine and dessert and a different person bought the tasters and food. It was all very good fun. We wined and dined. I broke out of my serious mold, if only for one evening. I figured if we’re incapable of driving home, we could rent a room upstairs. It was in a hotel. But we were good to go. Needless to say, I gave a good tip.

JUNE – metamorphosis 2

typewriter

June has been hot with thunderstorms. My metamorphosis has been a very slow process. Rather turning into a beautiful butterfly, I feel more like a slug or snail. Neither one is very attractive but they are appealing to me today. I like their speed. Maybe their lack of is a better term. I prefer the snail because it can crawl into its shell to get away from it all. That’s what I like to and shall do today – crawl into my shell to get a good rest.

I’ve developed some skill now through my sitting meditations with Mark Williams to close my eyes and let the outer world and all the sights and sounds all away. I can let my thoughts and emotions dissolve into nothingness. I’ve only discovered this ability yesterday, sitting in the quiet late evening heat. The A/C is turned off. The windows are wide opened with a bit of breeze drifting in. The sweat is still seeping into my eyes. I sit and breathe, in and out. I feel my heartbeat slowing down, thoughts and feelings leaving and my body relaxing. I understood at that moment what is meant by a no mind, no body.


June has been hotter and harder than I had anticipated. I can’t remember how long ago I had written the above. Now, almost in the middle of June, I’ve come back to finish what I had started. I hope I can finish. Finishing anything is the hardest task for me. I feel much like a bear at the moment – slow and sluggish. I would rather hibernate through the summer and emerge in the fall. I wonder if there’s a cool log nearby that I can crawl into. There goes my dream of turning into a beautiful butterfly. I should not give up hope yet. Summer is long and a silken cocoon sounds like a cool soft bed to loll, dream and spin magic in.

One thing that has been easy and fun in June is the DYICAD – Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. It’s making tiny art on an index card daily. I have chosen the word prompt route and using pen and watercolour as my medium. It continues till July 31st. I will have 61 cards of art at the end. It does spark creativity besides fun. It’s good for my brain and heart. Here is a sampling of my favourites this year so far.

JUNE – metamorphosis

Photo by Norja Vanderelst on Pexels.com

When I think of June, the Monarch butterfly pops into my mind’s eye. I wonder if that’s when they get back to Canada from Mexico. Upon googling them, I learn that it takes 4 generations for them to get back. Meaning the ones that left are not the same ones that came back. Their life cycle and metamorphosis are fascinating.

I am considering using the month of June as a time to go through my own metamorphosis. I am not satisfied nor content with my present self. It make no sense in staying in an undesirable state. So slowly I have begun to observe all of myself and life critically without judgement. It’s not like me to be silent and non reactionary but I think it is necessary for me to be so in this process. It’s going to be very difficult, no doubt about that. I’m game though. Wish me lots of luck.

I’m at the chrysalis stage. I’ve been studying, gathering and preparing a long time. I have a lot of knowledge and tools, so far not put to use. So I’m still locked in my cocoon, waiting.

The time has come like the Walrus said,

      To talk of many things:

Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax

      Of cabbages — and kings —

And why the sea is boiling hot —

      And whether pigs have wings.’

O IS FOR OPTIMISM

I’m a little late in getting up and dressing up today. I lingered a little longer over Sue Grafton’s G is for Gumshoe this morning. I had trouble putting it down. I love the book cover. I love the character, Kinsey Millhone. I fewl happy and secure in tagging along with her. I’m practicing discipline so I put it down. I went downstairs and hung up the laundry. Then I painted my index card for the 365 Something 2018 Challenge. I was in danger of abandoning it. I had given up on it for a little while. It’s that discipline thing. I completed day 179 this morning.

Then I had trouble wanting to fold up the dried linen. I stood there looking at it. There’s no use trying to understanding it. There’s no need in understanding it. I just have to do it and put it all away. And so I did. I know I am not the only person with such feelings. I can hear different conversations in my memory.

I don’t know why I don’t do it. I have the things for it. But I don’t do it. I don’t know why. I know I should do it but I don’t.” 

I can hear myself offering advice and suggestions of “Why don’t you try this? Why don’t you try that?”  I was never successful. Nobody ever took my advice/suggestions. I was left feeling pissed off most of the time. Now I’m seeing I’m as guilty as they are but I DO try. I have trouble with keeping it up.

collage

Yesterday, I talked about metamorphosis. It’s only later that I realize it is kind of retarded for me to talk about it at my age. Do I have time left to morph? I am no spring chicken as they say. I am on a pension for crying out loud. I must be somewhat retarded. My head is still stuck in youth. I’m still thinking about when I grow up. I guess it is not a bad thing. I still have optimism. I have hope. I am still looking forward.

Today I am not quite as sleepy. The sun is out. Most of my ‘must dos’ are done. The rest of the day is just gravy/groovy.

METAMORPHOSIS

I’ve gotten up, dressed up and here I am with my cup of tea. My fingers are not cooperating. They’re a little stiff. I open and close my hands. Not too bad. They’ve been worse. But I can see that there will be no magic today. It will be hard work. It was like that yesterday with my desk. I had to work at it to sort and clear. It’s not perfect but I have some space with no dust.  My cleared dining table from yesterday is still clear. A miracle.

I will take what magic that comes my way. Yesterday I was contemplating about the mystery of my body and chemistry. This morning, A Year of Inquiry showed up on my Facebook page. Talk about synchronicity! It’s based on the works of Byron Katie. I’m a self help junkie. If I don’t help myself, who will? I don’t wait to be rescued. I like to learn and do my own research. The live and online workshops are a little pricey for me at $2,000 – $3,000. Eeek! No doubt they will be worth it as it is a year long. But I think making my own inquiry is more valuable. I’ve been listening to other people on how to be for too long.

These 4 questions from The Works are good starting points. I will see how it goes.

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

It is intriguing to think about who I would/could be without all my possibly erroneous thoughts. I could be a whole new person. I could have a whole new life. Would I want that? What would it hurt. I have an inquiring mind. I am retired. It would give me a job. It would be a worthwhile effort. I can feel the excitement even through my sleepiness.

Yes, I still have it – sleepiness. I did get my 8 hours in. I’m still keen on fooling my body out of it. I did my ‘must do’ things in the morning. Now it is after lunch. The dishes are soaking. My eyes are drooping. I must get them out of the way. Soon it will be Sheba’s supper time and her walk. I’m glad we’ve had this time here. I’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, I will keep plugging away at my desk and other stuff. Maybe I will be rewarded with a bit of magic again.