SIT AND STAY

Posted on February 5, 2015 by hafong

I’m into the second week of an eight week formal meditation practice in Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Full Catastrophe Living. So far so good but it is not easy. It should be no surprise to me. It is easy to tell Sheba to sit but she doesn’t stay. I haven’t really insisted upon it either. I give up too easily, so as soon as my back is turned, she is up and away. Like mistress, like dog.

Being the mistress, I’m having more success with staying – at least my body is. My mind darts here, there and everywhere. My body wants to bolt, too. I stay. My pulse races. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I breathe and let go, remembering to accept what is at the moment. I see the poster in front of me. “Live Each Day to the Fullest”. The words soothe me and I breathe again. I feel my heart calming, the beats slower. I read the line “Live Each Day to the Fullest” again. That is what I want.

I had not known that it is so difficult to stay in the body. My mind wants to be somewhere else all the time. I give thanks to whatever that has led me to this process of discovery. The power lies within my body and spirit. It is not out there in Somewhere Else.

LIVING THE WHOLE DANG CATASTROPHE

Posted on January 22, 2015 by hafong

There is always something to be grateful for – even in anxiety and sleepless nights. You suffer in both, sometimes unbearably. Never a stoic, someone who can keep a stiff upper lip, I seek for relief relentlessly. It is no surprise that I have a whole library of self-help books. By now, I could write my own. I should start making notes. What I know for sure is, there is no permanent fix. But you can learn from each episode and make it easier for your next time. It’s still about doing your best and then letting go. Perhaps, you might find me too direct, up front and revealing. But what/who does that hurt – admitting that I am human and flawed? I am with you all in the ~~milieu~~ catastrophe of life.

In the middle of a sleepless angst, I rose from my bed one night and migrated to the kitchen. I made a cup of ginger tea and cuddled up under my Hudson’s Bay blanket with an old friend – Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living. I’ve read it a time or two and have practiced some of the exercises in it. You know how we human beings are. When the going gets tough, we are so serious and dedicated. Once the crisis is over, we stray and then abandon the practice altogether – till the next time.

This is my next time. I’m doing the practice again – of sitting and watching my breath for 15 minutes. The first time was not too bad, being the first. I was full of resolve. I can do anything in that state. I felt some discomfort the 2nd time. My thoughts strayed. I wanted to water the plants. I wanted to make soup. I wanted to get out of my skin! I breathed and felt the rise and fall of my belly. The 15 minutes passed.

Today is my 3rd day. The 15 minutes are easier. The mind wanders. I accept it. It is what it is. I have 4 more days to complete the week. Then it is 7 more weeks, working up to 45 minutes of formal meditation, of watching my breath. Can I do it? Yes! Yes! Yes! It is worth the effort to come out from under the thumb of my misfiring mind. If I don’t try, it won’t happen. I can always do my best, whatever it is on any given day.

Miraculously I am myself again. It is as if someone has put the patches on my chest and defibrillated me. I am at ease. It is as if it never happened. It’s like a bad dream, a nightmare. I shake my head and wonder what the hell had happened. It matters not. I pick myself up, dust myself off and truck on down the road. Life goes on. So do I – not quite an EverReady battery.

IN THE MEANTIME

Posted on April 9, 2014 by hafong

I knew as soon as I woke up today could be one of those achy, breaky days. It was grey and gloomy. The wind was blowing fierce. I did not want to get out of bed! But I knew that was no solution. It would take me back into the doldrums and I didn’t want to go.

What should a girl do? I have to get up, dress up and show up. From there, the day would take on a life of its own. That’s what I have learned from experience. The hardest part is the getting up. Why is that? Don’t you just sit up and swing your feet out and put them on the floor? It’s the same thing with hanging up your coat, putting away things and picking up things you drop. Sometimes I feel such inertia and I CAN’T or WON’T do it.

It is a good thing I AM committed to challenging myself this month. I will not fail on the 9th day in. That will be so embarrassing. That will be so, so. My words will mean nothing if I give up. The show must go on.

While I am waiting for the sun to show and the wind to subside, I will go on and do the best I can. I am running out of bread. It’s perfect weather for baking. The mixing and stirring is soothing. And while the dough is rising, I put on a pot of water and threw some soup bones in to make bone broth. It will build me up!

My spirit is lifting, my head is more clear. I think about my goals. What is it that I want? How is it and what is it to be happy? I have been trying to make a regular practice of meditation but it hasn’t happened. I haven’t been successful at sitting and being alert and doing nothing. Maybe I need another way – a ‘doing’ meditation of being in the moment.

I focus on doing one thing at a time, not rushing. I feel the dough as I am kneading it, its softness and smoothness. I concentrate on not being so rigid about making the loaves so exactly in equal size. What does it matter if one is a little bigger than the others? Why have I been so neurotic about things like that when it really doesn’t matter? I try to ask myself that question every time I’m in a similar situation. WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

It does snap me out of it and I can move on. It is time I stop wasting precious energy on bad habits and bad emotions. It is time I start to really get into living. Even when the going is tough and slow, you can still do a lot in the meantime.

THE HARD AND ROCKY PATH

Posted on November 5, 2013 by hafong

The snow flakes are floating gently down as I sit here, tap, tapping on my keyboard. I have been tapping out the words this last hour on my novel. The words come but they do not fall off my fingertips with the ease that I desire.

Am I experiencing writer’s block or is this heart block? I am sorely vexed with bad and unkind feelings towards my neighbour. There she is already, shoveling the snow off her driveway and pushing it between the Junipers, into our yard, even after many requests for her not to do so. What neighbour would do that to another? What woman to another woman? Where is the respect?

I fingered my rosary, the one that Ollie gave me, breathing in and out as I touched each bead. I was so happy to run across Kay’s post yesterday on gratitude. She was using her singing bowl and rosary to meditate. That reminded me that I do have four rosaries gifted to me on my baptism. It was time to find them.

I was drawn towards the rosary with large, blue beads. I held it in my hand. I felt the coolness of the beads and then something else. It was Ollie’s presence, her goodness. I was quite sure of it. I knew then that I can breathe in this bad energy and not harm myself. And breathed out out what is good.

Compassion Road is such a hard and rocky way. The traveler needs roadside assistance every step of the way. I am glad to have read some of the Dalai Lama’s My Spiritual Journey. We are all human beings is his message. We all hurt. I do not want to be hurt. In the same way, the other person does not want to be hurt. Knowing this, I can do no harm unto another.

Compassion is a very, very hard road to travel. I clear my space with good energy. I hold the rosary close to my heart. I breathe in what is here. I breathe out white healing light to the universe.

CONTEMPLATION

Posted on May 21, 2013 by hafong

Sheba and I are spending time alone today. She is cuddled up with her toys and I am sitting before my keyboard, tapping out my thoughts and feelings.

It has been a good day. I am not only reading self-help books, but I am actually putting my gained knowledge into use….finally. Imagine that! I have spent a lifetime gathering information on mood disorders and how to be happy. But knowledge without action equals zilch. If we keep doing the same things over and over, we keep getting the same results. Who said that…Oprah, Dr. Phil or some other luminary? You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that, but sometimes a hammer on the head is necessary.

After reading Sitting Kills, Moving Heals by Joan Vernikos, I decided I better MOVE today. And so I did. Sheba and I went for an early morning walk after breakfast. The morning sunshine and kids going to school was energizing. I did my qigong routine after we got home. I breathed and moved, clearing my stagnant chi.

Having limbered and stretched, I got on my bike before I could procrastinate away the opportunity. I am learning to prioritize…get the important things done first. I rode to the park at the school, pedaling along the meandering paths, practicing gear shifts. I made it up the hill once. On my second time around, I couldn’t find the right gear and couldn’t make it up. I had to stop and turn the bike around. It was still a valiant effort.

I kept my natural restlessness in check by moving – doing my neglected daily living activities. I ironed my uniforms and damp mopped the floors in a steady leisurely pace. I tried to keep my attention focused on what I was doing. I was practicing the yoga of housekeeping. I felt a certain pleasure in doing my chores. Weird!

It sure sounds like I did a lot today. I did, compared to my usual slothful ways. Sheba and I even went to the park after lunch and then stopped at the library on the way home. The secret for me is tiny steps and small varied chores….a little of this and a little of that. They add up big.

I’m not saying it was easy, but I’m not saying it was hard either. Throughout the day, I felt moments of blueness, anxiety, fatigue. I took a break in those moments for a cup of tea, a handful of walnuts, an avocado. I laid on the floor and did some stretching and meditation. I’m not at all flexible. My mind wanders. So what?

PRACTICE MAKES BETTER.

And my mood waxes and wanes…the blueness and anxiety. They are fleeting, but I resist the need for conversation, company and comfort. Sometimes you need to spend time with yourself…to wrestle with your demons or to talk with the angels. You cannot share everything. You have to save something for yourself.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: meditation