I knew as soon as I woke up today could be one of those achy, breaky days. It was grey and gloomy. The wind was blowing fierce. I did not want to get out of bed! But I knew that was no solution. It would take me back into the doldrums and I didn’t want to go.
What should a girl do? I have to get up, dress up and show up. From there, the day would take on a life of its own. That’s what I have learned from experience. The hardest part is the getting up. Why is that? Don’t you just sit up and swing your feet out and put them on the floor? It’s the same thing with hanging up your coat, putting away things and picking up things you drop. Sometimes I feel such inertia and I CAN’T or WON’T do it.
It is a good thing I AM committed to challenging myself this month. I will not fail on the 9th day in. That will be so embarrassing. That will be so, so. My words will mean nothing if I give up. The show must go on.
While I am waiting for the sun to show and the wind to subside, I will go on and do the best I can. I am running out of bread. It’s perfect weather for baking. The mixing and stirring is soothing. And while the dough is rising, I put on a pot of water and threw some soup bones in to make bone broth. It will build me up!
My spirit is lifting, my head is more clear. I think about my goals. What is it that I want? How is it and what is it to be happy? I have been trying to make a regular practice of meditation but it hasn’t happened. I haven’t been successful at sitting and being alert and doing nothing. Maybe I need another way – a ‘doing’ meditation of being in the moment.
I focus on doing one thing at a time, not rushing. I feel the dough as I am kneading it, its softness and smoothness. I concentrate on not being so rigid about making the loaves so exactly in equal size. What does it matter if one is a little bigger than the others? Why have I been so neurotic about things like that when it really doesn’t matter? I try to ask myself that question every time I’m in a similar situation. WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
It does snap me out of it and I can move on. It is time I stop wasting precious energy on bad habits and bad emotions. It is time I start to really get into living. Even when the going is tough and slow, you can still do a lot in the meantime.