RESTLESSNESS

Posted on February 23, 2013 by hafong

I am restless on this 11th day into Lent. Maybe I should not have drank half a pot of coffee this afternoon. But that’s what shift workers do…coffee to keep us awake, coffee to perk us up. Then our hearts pound and we cannot rest nor sleep. And the circle goes round and round.

I am willing to pay the price. I am paying it. But it is not too bad, for here I am tapping out my words in the quiet of the night. How restful it is! The noise of the day is gone. The TV is silent. Sheba is sleeping in her bed with her comfort toy.

I am thinking too much on things I cannot change, on things not of my own. I sigh, I fidget and sigh again. Sometimes there’s no helping it. There’s nothing one can do. Things get into my head and take residence. I am not fighting it. I am letting things be. Tomorrow is another day.

SHIFTING THROUGH LENT

Posted on February 22, 2013 by hafong

I’ve lost track of how many days we are into Lent. I haven’t read my daily messages from A Course in Miracles. I feel I have lost so much time shifting through my nights at work. I’m feeling as if I am in my own separate bubble, divorced from the whole wide world. My cries echo silently in my tiny bubble.

All I feel is my physical discomfort – the thousand aches in my body, my breathlessness, the heaviness of my fatigue. I would like to be inert forever, but that is also a discomfort unto its own. So, with effort and the help of Sheba’s insistent barking, I rise out of bed in the morning. We do the breakfast habit and somehow find ourselves at the park and on the trail between the trees.

Sheba runs this way and that way, happy to be free out in the world again. I trudge along, my steps easing and lengthening as we went along. I take a breath in and breathe out through the opening in my heart and felt my aches melting with each breath. Oh, sweet relief!

Life is a struggle sometimes. But where would we be without those struggles? There would be no need to find solutions to problems, no experimenting, no puzzles to solve. Through these days in Lent, I have abandoned my pursuit of happiness and perfection. I think we have been sold a false set of goods by the media of what a good life is – the perfect house, the car, the money, the job, the stuff…..

Instead, through my time in the desert, I will learn to live, in this moment as I am. I will be impeccable with my works. I will not take anything personally. I will make no assumptions. I may fail and fall down, but I will get up and try again. I will do my best. That is all that anyone can do, their best.

THE PARK AND THE OTHER THING

Posted on February 8, 2013 by hafong

I have always love Richard Harris’ rendition of MacArthur’s Park even though he is really not a singer and the lyrics are sappy. I guess it’s a love song. Can it be a love song if it’s about a breakup of a love affair? Just listen to the chorus.

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again, oh no

Sometimes I feel like I’m the cake in the rain, my icing melting in the dark. Sometimes I don’t think I can put myself back together again. Recipes are hard to come by, you know. You always think you are the only one, but experience has taught me that I don’t have exclusive claims to all the misery. I have plenty of company. A lot of us are in the park with our dogs, melting in the rain, or freezing our buns in the cold. We provide good company for each other.

I’ve been done with misery for quite awhile now. I still get my blues now and then and you all know I can get real cranky like a little Chihuahua. But I have met people there with real misery. They look very ordinary, just like you and me. Most of them are full of energy and joy. They have to keep up with their dogs, right? Then you hear their stories.

One woman lost her husband to suicide. He hung himself. They were going through a divorce. Another told me she just got diagnosed with cancer. A fair number of us just got plain old depression, Winston’s Churchill’s black dog.

So it’s not bad company. We walk and talk. Sometimes we fall down, tripping over our dogs playing too close. But we get up, dust ourselves off and continue on. That’s how you live…fall down and get up. Richard Harris sings it better.

There will be another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be another dream for me
Someone will bring it
I will drink the wine while it is warm
And never let you catch me looking at the sun
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life, you’ll still be the one

THINKING WARM, THINKING CLEAR

Posted on January 30, 2013 by hafong

So it was -32 C this morning – pretty cold by any standard! But I did not feel it. In my mind I was sitting out on the deck of ‘our’ chalet at Escape3Points by the ocean in Ghana. I can hear the ocean and feel the balmy warmth of the morning. I watched the birds looking for crumbs from our breakfast. And not long after, the puppies came to visit.

I’m marveling at the power of my mind. It is not that these images in my mind help me ‘make it through’ the winter, for I truly love the season. I love the whiteness/brightness of the snow. I love the crispness of the cold winter air. I feel my best on those cold, cold still January days when the sun is shining so bright and I’m purring in the warmth of my sun room.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I get my share of cabin fever. A long stretch of gloomy winter days does me in. It makes me feel like I’m struggling, struggling and not getting anywhere. But maybe that is just another cycle of life. Wouldn’t it be boring if we’re happy and bubbly all the time? Wouldn’t we look like a commercial for Pepsodent toothpaste or Spearmint gum with our shiny toothy smiles? Oh, how bland!

There are difficult days in the heat of summer or on a tropical island, I am sure. But I don’t think anyone dare whisper any hint of it. Funny. So, of course, it has made me feel worse when I get those terrible blues in the summer, when all was so perfect and everyone so happy….school was out and everyone was on vacation. Hmmmm. I know better now. I see clearer now.

Now, I embrace whatever season that it is. Each has its beauty. Each has its faults. I embrace wherever I am in the moment. Like the seasons, each place has its own beauty and detractors. Beauty and value are in the eyes of the beholder. And drama exist everywhere, for we are the players. I embrace all the times I’ve been in, for it is from these times that I learn and grow and love and live.

KRHRYSTOS RAZDAYETSIA!

Posted on January 7, 2013 by hafong

Khrystos Razdayetsia! Slavite yoho! Xpbctic Bockpec! He is risen! Merry Ukrainian Christmas! It is January 7, 2013. Clearly the Season is still with us. Much, much too early to go back to my humbugness…even if I have been sick for the last three weeks. Too bad. Suck it up, Buttercup! Life goes on. The wheel still turns. Look, the sun heard me and is peeping over my right shoulder. Right on, Saigon!

In keeping with my agreement to follow the Four Agreements, I’m doing the best I can at each moment. I don’t have to feel great all the time. I’m not. I don’t have to be motivated all the time. I’m not. But the least I can do is my best in these moments. My best is easier with developing habits that can carry me when my energy is lagging, when my resolve is sagging, and when I feel like a petulant child. What I would like to do is pout and stomp my feet.

How smart would that be? How would that work for me? NOT! So instead, I pout a little and get on with my number one focus….keeping house clean of Sheba’s hair. I bring out the pork hide chew, brushes, and scissors. It works well. While she is busy chewing, I can brush away to my heart’s content….her tail, her butt, her underside. I am getting less and less hair every day, though she is still shedding alot. One day, one day. Our next project will be her nails! For that I will get her an extra long chew. It will be worth the effort.

Here she is looking pretty smart in her Christmas coat and booties from my mother. She glows in the dark. Yeah, we can go out at night!

So that is how life is….little moments, difficult moments, boring moments. But when you string them together, you can get some pretty good times. You can get a life.

DO ONE THING

Posted on December 26, 2012 by hafong

They say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. He, who coined that phrase is such a wise man. Everything begins with a single action.

It is Boxing Day. How did I get here? It has been a tough week, what with battling the flu and other mayhems. You could say that we hacked our way through everything. Even Sheba got sick….threw up four times yesterday. Yuck! Poor baby!

But, at long last, I think I’m going to make it….thanks to my leftover stash of drugs from my overseas trip last winter. Christmas morning at 3 am found me up, googling ciprofloxacin and doxycycline – which one to take. Now I know we’re not suppose to self medicate but I was distraught from coughing and worried about the funny noises coming from my chest.

I think I’ve turned the corner but life does not looking easy. Everything looks messier and dirtier. Sheba’s hair seem to be everywhere. What to do and where to start? And so that is where I am at. I tell myself: Just do one thing. At least it will be something done.

My one thing was chasing down Sheba and brushing her out, ridding at least some of her hair. And it is a reminder that there cannot be perfection here. There will be less hair. That is the way life is.

WINE MAKING SUNDAY

Posted on October 28, 2012 by hafong

It is another Sunday, a week home from wine country. Today we can only dream of warmer temperatures and snow less grounds. It is windy and the sun has already left.

But this morning we made wine, one batch white, from B. C., the other one red. It was a soothing process, going through all the steps of scrubbing the tubs, sterilizing, rinsing, stirring, adding, more stirring, and sprinkling. Well to be honest, I was mostly an observant and the cleanup crew. But none the less, I enjoyed the process, the aromas and the rewards.

I have forgotten the pleasures of creating…the sense and feel of making something. My brain has been rewired for instant success, instant pleasure, instant everything by our electronic age. Perhaps I have been fooled that everything can be done stat by aiming the mouse and pressing enter. I have been fooled that life is getting everything done now, so that I will have TIME. I have been obsessed about time, having more of it, having huge chunk of it, hoarding it… till I will have enough. That never happens, of course. I am like a rat in a maze.

So that is my Oprah’s light bulb moment from making wine this morning…that everything in life is a process. You cannot have everything all at once. It’s in the steps that give us a sense of accomplishment and meaning. It’s really not all that earth shattering, but sometimes I am a little dim. I could not see it any sooner. I see it now. And as I am sipping my cup of coffee, I am blinking at the wonder of it all.

GETTING AWAY

Aside

So here I am, away from home, away from familiarity, away from routines and habits. So who or what am I without all my usual trappings?

So in this moment and space, I can be who or whatever I choose. Which facade do I want to discard? Which characteristics do I want to adopt?

Leaving home was not easy….even for a few days. Asking for the time off was not easy. Do I deserve it? Leaving Sheba in the care of others was not easy. I’ve worried and fret but I did the best I could in placing her in a good place

.
Being away, I’ve learned to let things I cannot do anything about go. Getting away can be difficult. I have felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails as we drove away from Saskatoon, but it has been healthy for my spirit and mind.
Getting away is getting easier.

BROKEN YOLKS

Posted on October 1, 2012 by hafong

I suppose by now everyone knows that life is hard. Nothing is easy. Nothing is free. Nothing is perfect. You can’t even count on perfect fried eggs every morning. Sometimes a yolk will break. It happens. Life happens. That’s the way it is.
And we really should appreciate what is, because that’s all we have. Right at this moment, I get it. I’m feeling the moment, the flow of it. I’m savoring the sweetness of the now. I know that this moment will evaporate soon enough and I will once again be restless with dissatisfaction and distress. That is also how it is sometimes. It is all right. That is how I can change.

Change is really difficult….even in the direction of my daily walk with Sheba. I always turn right at the end of our back alley. When I make a conscious effort to go left, I feel the resistance in my body. I feel discomfort. I feel torture. I feel PAIN! Weird, huh? I am such a creature of habit.

Today, I tidied up one shelf in the closet. I found three pairs of pants bought some years ago. Bought but never shortened nor worn. One still had tags on it. I’ve almost shortened two. I will have a nice pair to wear to see David Suzuki tomorrow night. Change can happen. I have changed…a little at a time.

THE SIMPLE AND THE PROFOUND

Posted on September 20, 2012 by hafong

So here I am, before my keyboard on this fine autumn day. The leaves are turning yellow, some drifting down in front of my window. Sheba is barking excitedly at some boys skateboarding by. She has not grown tired nor used to all is before her in her six years of life. That is her gift to me. She keeps me going when I’m in neutral, when I got the blahs and think: What is the point? On those days, we head off for the park. We run by the river.

The point is dogs don’t think and dwell on all the metaphysical wherefores and why-fores of life. They are just happy if you’re happy, if they’re fed, watered, have a soft bed to lay on and a few birds to chase. Sometimes it would be good if we could look at our landscape through different frames and lenses. We might get a different view. The simple may be profound.

And if we look beyond ourselves, we might see the divine.

And if we look at ourselves, we might find the child in ourselves and that pure joy that we’ve lost somewhere along the way. We might find our way home to our hearts.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: life