FOCUS AND COURAGE

Posted on January 2, 2022 by hafong

January 2, second day of the new year, second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and first day of the 30-Day Positivity Challenge. My word for this year is FOCUS but already I’m feeling iffy, wishy-washy and a bit cranky this morning. I could blame it on the weather. I woke up to -20℃ instead of -35℃. It should be a cause for celebration instead of a case of grouchiness and moodiness. But it is what it is. I will just have to focus and move on with the day and this post.

It’s a good thing I have this writing space and challenges to work on. I’ve had this space since 2012 when blogging was new and a rage. I started out on Blogger in 2005. It was a struggle getting things to work but I managed to get some photos and a few words up. It did not have too much of a public presence. I then moved on to WordPress. I found it much easier to work with. It took a year or two before anyone noticed me. It didn’t really matter because I had no business to promote. Writing is pleasure and therapy for me. I love the rhythm of tapping on the keyboard and seeing the letters march across the screen.

It is not so at this moment. There is a stickiness and lack of rhythm. There is no flow. I have to work getting the words out. I’ve done the Positivity activity of the day. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I love you” a few times already. I don’t feel it. Rather, I feel irked. I don’t feel love but I said it anyways. I hope to reap the benefits eventually. Nothing happens that fast, right? I have to make being positive a habit first.

I’m considering the next 2 questions in my Unravel My Year workbook. 1) When did fear hold you back in 2021? 2) Where did you practice courage in 2021? I can’t say that anything held me back last year. When there was no fear, courage wasn’t called upon. Now if we were talking about 2020, there was alot of anxiety and challenges. Covid-19 came into our lives in early 2020. My 90 year old mother came down with shingles February 2020 right in the midst of lockdowns. I was busy taking her to appointments and worried about her pain, eyes and medications, I had no time for fear. That period lasted almost 4 months. Then I lost my fur baby Sheba. We were still in lockdown and I could not be with her at her time of passing. That was hard.

Sitting where I am now, life is pretty good. I may be feeling a little tired and moody, but it is still all good. I hear so many people say that Covid has made everything so hard. It is true but life have always been hard. If it is not one thing, it is another.

LIMPING TOWARDS BLISS

Posted on July 7, 2018 by hafong

I have to admit I am wilting in the heat of the weather and the stress of life. I pull no punches, pretending I live in La La Land. I have a pot of tumeric tea brewing, the fan oscillating in my writing space and counting my blessings. I’m grateful for seeing my mother this morning. She is feeling well and independent in her own home. She made soup for me. She also shared with me her gifted sticky rice. I am happy that she has such friends. They know she has limitations and is looking out for her. I have tears of happiness for her bounty of caring friends.

I wish the same for myself. I have alot to learn yet. I have not seen enough of the world or life. One thing I know for sure is, I can’t fight the heat. I can only limp along with however much strength it allows me. And it was tough last night. Sheba and I limped along well after the supper hour. It was very slow going in the heat and humidity of the evening. But we DID make it to the Dairy Queen. My furbaby behaved like a proper queen, behaving, not barking up a storm or jumping. We shared a hot fudge sundae, taking care she gets none of the chocolate. Next time I have to ask for an extra spoon for her. It was kind of messy using my finger.

What else can I say on another hot day in July? Life is not perfect. It is not a bowl of cherries. I have a fan. I have AC. I have Sheba. I have myself. My garden is doing fantastic. There’s a bird nesting in the grapevines. It’s still there. I’ve just scared it out of its nest with my curiosity. I still have all those bills yet to be paid. But I have a few days of grace yet. Oh yes. I like to attend Mass this afternoon. I hope I’m brave enough. It’s been a long while and it’s difficult to return. I feel like the prodigal daughter.

My path

To help me along, I could get dressed and be ready. If I make it or not, I have set out the intention. What I have learned is that there is no forcing. You can’t force yourself or anyone else in doing what is not felt right. I will just have to limp along towards the promised land. That is also progress.

ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

Posted on May 5, 2018 by hafong

Sometimes ill winds blow even on sunny days. There is nothing I can do. I have learned over time to stand/sit tall and let them blow over me. I try to emulate Patience and Fortitude, the lions in front of the New York Public Library. I must with patience and fortitude retain the core of myself through all kinds of weather – sunshine or rain. Whatever comes my way, I’m ready. Bring it on! Amazing the power of words and self-talk! I love Mary Sarton’s words, her self talk.

“Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.”

It is hard for me to let go. I tend to hang on with tooth and nail. My grip is loosening with age. The truth is I’ve worn my nails to the quick. Sometimes there is no choice but to let go. I have to confess I have lost some parts of myself on this life journey. I’m walking my own Camino Road to retrieve them. I’m much like Dorothy and her companions going down the Yellow Brick Road. The Scarecrow searching for a brain, the Tin Man a heart and the Lion courage. I’m searching for all three. There is happy ending for Dorothy and her friends. I believe there is one for me, too, though I wouldn’t call it ‘ending’.

I much prefer beginnings. I like the idea of waking every morning to a new day and another crack at things. I get to re-program myself. I would delete the stuff that didn’t work and try something new and different. Who wants to wake up to the same old, same old like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? No one but I have been without knowing it. I’m grateful to my ‘bad’ days. They tell me that I’m not having such a good time and things are not ticking along. My ducks are all out of alignment. It’s time to take a different path or pull over and take a rest.

Maybe, just maybe, I have all the stuff I’m looking for. Maybe I should search within myself. I could have been barking up the wrong tree, going down the wrong garden path all this time. Gee whiz, why don’t I watch where I am going?

COURAGE AND FEAR – Day 160 in the year of…

Posted on January 2, 2017 by hafong

Day 160, January 2, 2016 @5:30 pm

I am finally reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic after buying it a year ago. I’m making progress reading just a few pages each day. The profound thing for me is her description of courage. Having courage does not mean you are fearless. Fearless people are sometimes rash and reckless. Courage is when you carry on despite the fear. I like the idea of not fighting it but to make space for it. Let it be a companion but not to let fear drive you. I feel its presence but it’s not running me.

I’m making slow magic, bit by bit, stroke by brush stroke each day. They build on each other. There’s a timidity in them but one day, my courage is going to be BIG and I will let my brushes have their way. They will whoosh across the canvas in brave broad strokes and in bold colours. It will happen. Meanwhile I’m learning my craft, experimenting with the magic, building my confidence, making peace with my fear.

My angels are around me on this 160th day in my year of doing different, on this 2nd day of 2017. I hear the whisper of their wings as they hover near. Peace be with everyone.

WITH THIS CUP – day 117 in a year of….

Posted on November 19, 2016 by hafong

Day 117, November 19, 2016 @2:01 pm

I’m fortifying myself with a cup of rose hip tea before descending into the depths of the basement. I am a chicken shit, scared of jacks in the boxes and things that go bump in the night. I’m hoping this sweet amber elixir will infuse me with courage. I gathered the hips at the lake at the end of summer. The tea is very subtle and delicious. I can taste the sunshine, spruce pine and the fresh breeze on my tongue. I’m feeling the softening of anxiety in the drop of my shoulders, the smoothing of the crease between my brows. I will be A ok.

I did small, small this morning. I rid one small box. It is not easy on a grey November day to stare into the debris of your life. It is never easy but it has to be done. Those scary Jacks in the box do not go away. They never go away on their own. I have to chase them out with a broom. My goal is to clear them for the New Year. It is Chinese custom to sweep the house clean for the coming year. You do it before, never on. It’s bad luck. You might sweep out the good with the bad.

My tea is finished. I am ready.

COURAGE – Day 40 in a year of …..

Posted on August 31, 2016 by hafong

Day 40, August 31, 2016 @8:36 pm

Sometimes I feel I’ve been in denial and fear most of my life. This is my brave moment – the awaking and seeing clearly and acknowledging. It is a great moment. At last, maybe I can let go of the frivolous, little petty things and be free to live the authentic life. That’s what I’m thinking, sitting before the fire, listening to the flames crackle, telling their stories to me.

What stories are you telling on this beautiful evening. I know. My stories are getting shorter. Maybe tomorrow I will have more to say.

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

Posted on November 26, 2015 by hafong

It’s Thursday. I had a day of rest yesterday from writing but I’m back today with Friday Fictioneers. We make up stories of 100 words or so to a photo prompt. As you must know by now, we are hosted by the gracious Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. Here’s my 100 words. I hope they are worthy of your attention.

PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook

She was at crossroads. She surveyed the situation. She had tried. Even read Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. It was a steep climb and a slippery slope. If she fell….

Oh, the pain! She shuddered and shook her head. Not going there, she muttered under her breath. She paced. Back and forth. Back and forth. Yes! No! Yes again.

Did she have what it takes? Was she a coward, hiding behind her nonchalence? Why take risks? She could hurt herself. She could be humiliated.

Exhausted, she sat down. She had to do it. She had to write even if she fails.

from brenebrown.com

‘PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE’

Posted on March 17, 2015 by hafong

If wishes were horses, I would wish for more hours in a day. But what is the use? It is not possible. And the wise say it’s not the number of hours but what you do with them that matters.

Well, then I wish I have more patience and fortitude. What does it take to have those qualities? Googling, I find that PATIENCE is the quality or habit of enduring without complaint. FORTITUDE is: Strength of mind to meet or endure unfalteringly pain, adversity or peril; patient and constant courage.

Looking further, I find that they are the names of two lions flanking The New York Public Library. They are perfect personas of patience and fortitude – sitting, waiting and enduring through thick and thin. I remember my cousin Edmund taking me there once upon a time. I had taken out Herman Wouk’s Marjorie Morningstar. It is still one of my favourite books.

Can I hope for these qualities? My name certainly is not PATIENCE. I complain a lot – vocally and in print. I can feel my agitation stirring and neck veins bulging just thinking about it. I have to stop and take a breath, relaxing my shoulders, relaxing my face and smiling to ease the stress. My furry baby is better, BUT….In the evening, she starts her insistent whimpering and she is my own personal magnet. Yes, I need more patience – and discipline for Sheba.

I had an extra egg for breakfast this morning – more protein to build FORTITUDE. I am very good at rationalizing. I am grouchy. Protein is good for smoothing my edges. I am in month 4 of healthy eating and life style changes and week 7 of Dr. Jon -Kabat-Zinn’s stress reduction method. I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet but I am grouchy and complaining. I am not perfect but I have lost a few pounds and a bit off my midriff. I have fortitude.

Let life carry me forth. The sun is shining brightly. My Income Tax Return and filing are awaiting me. The delivery man have just come to the door with my seed order. Meanwhile, the petunias are crying for some attention. And of course, Sheba is waiting patiently for her walk.

Soon we will have green grass and flowers growing among my own Patience and Fortitude. They sit day in and day out, watching silently over me, giving me their patience and fortitude.

RUNNING

Posted on March 11, 2015 by hafong

It’s Wednesday and I’m ready for Friday Fictioneers. We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. This is my story of 100 words to the photo prompt. This story is for Sheba (my dog) and I. We are both trying to work through our fears, both seen and unseen. Together we will conquer.

She was so afraid. Perspiration blinded her as she ran. Her heart was thumping in her chest. It roared in her ears. Her breaths came in jagged rasps. She could see them in the frosty air. She wiped her hand across her eyes.

She was almost there. She quickened her pace. Dusk was coming. The sun was receding beyond the bridge. She must be on it before it gets dark.

Please, God! She pleaded. I won’t ask you for another thing.

She gathered her strength, pumped her arms and stretched her legs. She was flying. Her foot touched down. Safe!

BREATHING AND WRITING

Posted on February 26, 2015 by hafong

Life and writing are akin to me at times. I struggle to get a letter on the page and taking a deep breath is difficult at times. If I don’t try, the page remains blank, empty of the stories hidden within me. And if I don’t take that deep inhale, my breathing is shallow, my chest tight, holding all the doubts and fears within.

I take the big breath, inhaling up the side of the imaginery square in my head. Then comes the slow exhalation across the top, inhaling down the side of the square and exhaling across the bottom. I do this again, a little slower until I feel my self relaxing and expanding into the universe. I am saved again.

Sheba and I are trudging along to our own pace through the desert of our winter. There are so many ups and downs. There are many twists and turns. Life leaps and catches us unaware at the most inconvenient times. But then, when is it convenient? We have to buckle up, or is it buckle down – to grin and bear it. I can feel myself baring my teeth into a sneer. Best just to smile, nod and carry on.

We are both doing remarkably well considering. I have put both of us on a diet. It’s difficult to make this journey with heavy hips and thighs. A little less weight and a little more heart would be good. I have added some Omega-3 fatty acids to give us more courage. I hope it doesn’t make us burp and give us stinky breath. Wish us luck. We have a long way to go.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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