Tag Archives: complaining

No Walk in the Park

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Sometimes I wish that the earth would stop spinning so I can step off and get a rest. Life is no walk in the park. I’m complaining again. I’m weary, wishing for a camp, the kind they have for children where I would be entertained and all my cares taken care of. Some smart aleck quipped that it’s called a nursing home. I do not wish for such wherein we lined up, sitting silent and vacant in our wheelchairs. I guess I better stop complaining and keep moving my ass.

I’ve thought of a few changes that I could make to reboot myself. I could lose a few pounds. According to my BMI, I am overweight. I need to lose 17 pounds. Sounds formidable to me. When I was thinking about losing weight the other day, I thought now is not a good time. We are in autumn and my hibernation response is triggered. I want to eat and sleep like a bear. It’s not good thinking. I am making excuses. I need to pull up my socks. I will try even though it is harder. I will cut back the cream and sugar in my coffee and tea. I will move a little more.

Making changes is never a walk in the park. I feel like crying just thinking about it. How many times have I already fallen back into those well worn ruts? Too many to count! There’s no point in shaming myself. It doesn’t work. I will try to visualize what I my successes will be like – as if I’ve achieved them already. Perhaps that is what is meant a vision board. Right now my two wants are to lose 17 pounds and clear my clutter. I am going to create 2 vision boards, one for each want. Wish me luck.

Ups and Downs

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I wonder when the sun will come out again. Will it rain again? Our earth is very dry and thirsty. It’s hard to be hopeful in today’s climate. I envy the toddlers toddling about, laughing and jabbering, impervious to the clouds and the cool. When did we lose this ability? Can we get it back? And how do we go about it, if we can?

I am not holding my breath, waiting for answers. I’m feeling a little stuck again. I don’t want to stay there. I do the dishes. I warm up our lunch. We eat. I do the dishes again. I hang up the laundry. I potted up the snowpeas I’ve germinated for the community garden – all 100 of them. While they continue their germination journey in the potting soil, I will gather my strength and plan how to plant our plot for its best and possible last year there. It’s time to do a little downsizing for our advancing years.

Downsizing is no small thing. It’s a big challenge. When I was young, the house and yard were never too big even though there was only one of me. Now that there are 2 of us, it’s enough. I am older and not craving more of everything. We could do with less. It would mean less space to clean and less space to collect stuff we don’t need. We have what we have in space but we don’t have to keep all the stuff.

Ridding what we don’t need is not an easy thing. It is a slow process for me but I did start today with some of my mother’s stuff. The thing to do is not to handle, examine too much. Bag them up quickly with no hesitation. Otherwise, memories and attachment form. I almost hung on to 2 pairs of mom’s shoes by trying them on. They fit and look almost new. Then I remember I already have too many shoes. I quickly put them back in the box and into the bag with her 2 purses.

It’s another day or what is left of it. I feel as if I’ve lost and squandered most of today. I did not meditate nor journal this morning. Instead I was scrolling through the many shared Jan Arden’s video on Alberta’s want to separate from Canada. The many comments slamming Jan was not good for my spirit. It coloured my day and did not help my already tired body and soul.

I am afraid I was a sad sack though I try not to show or dwell on it. I pushed through it with physical activity. Now I’m trying to be kind to myself. Chocolate cake does help. I remind myself that I am just a human being, flawed and complaining all the while. It’s hard to suffer in silence.

S is for SURLY

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Spring is not always what it’s cracked up to be – full of sunshine, joy and green things pushing up from the ground. Today was tough, the temperature in the minus double digits. My back trouble nagged me through the night into the morning and well into the afternoon. I was feeling surly and well nigh miserable. I hate to complain but why shouldn’t I? Why can’t I ventilate and ease some of my miseries? That’s what ‘they’ tell you to do. Let it out. But when you do, ‘they’ label you a complainer. So I let off steam here. It’s coming out both ears.

Thank goodness for Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. A good thriller takes my mind off my various discomforts. I’ve read A is for Alibi in one day. It’s that good. Now I’m feeling at a loss but at least my back is better. It’s not spasming and making me scream out anymore. I feel less grumpy and hostile. But I’m not feeling nice. I still feel somewhat like hell. I have another Sue Grafton on hand – D is for Deadbeat. That describes me at the moment. I better save that for tomorrow in case I have a repeat of today. Besides, it is almost supper time.

You and I know that some days are better than others. Today is definitely not a better day. But it is what it is. I have to deal with it as best as I can and not to make it worse. Obviously my body is telling me to rest. I should accept it as a gift. I can lull around, mope, drink tea, read, get grumpy, eat chocolate…without feeling guilty. It is okay not to feel on top of the world. I don’t have to smile. I can scowl if I feel like it. So there! Take that any way you like. Tomorrow is another day.

 

 

MY MAGIC CARPET

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I’m trying to get my ass in gear but it’s feeling mighty heavy today. It doesn’t help that I pulled or twisted something in my lower back this morning. I was simply moving my sewing table into a better spot. The table had wheels so it wasn’t even heavy nor the move strenuous. But my back went an oh-oh. It passed fairly quickly but remains a dull ache. Life is never pain free. Now, I have to google for stretches for the lower back.

It’s snowing again, just when our solar panels are cleared and making electricity. This late March snow is wearing on my one nerve that is left. Sheba and I have just come back from our walk. Yesterday’s slush have frozen into hard crusty bumpy ice. I did not enjoy an inch of the walk. And we did inched along, my footsteps heavy as lead. Nothing fun about nature today. Am I complaining? You bettcha. Having a bad mood day but I’m not throwing it around. I’m keeping it here on the page.

I had time this morning to watch a small segment of Caroline Myss’ video on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices. I agree with her that words are magic carpets. They are transformative. That is why I return here, to my space, to tap out the words, to dig out the magic/solutions. It’s one way for me to be in the present moment, to sit here with my mind focused to this moment. It creates space for silence and rest for my busy wandering mind. I let go of the daily chatter. I hear the tap, tap of the keys. It is soothing. I feel my shoulders relaxing and dropping. The ache in my lower back is easing. My forehead unfurls. I am emptied of my striving and fussing.

Another cup of tea and some toast and jam and I will feel replenished and ready for moving and doing again.

 

PUTTING OFF WHATEVER I CAN

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Can you believe it? I’m experiencing the same feeling as yesterday, the day before and the day before that. I want to put off – practically everything:

  • Taking my car in. It has another recall. I do hate deciding when and phoning for an appointment.
  • Clearing my desk and the piles in the basement. I grow instantly tired and sleepy with the thought. I have nightmares thinking about Income Tax time and rounding up all the paper stuff.
  • Writing but here I am, out of habit, tap, tapping out my anguish.
  • Updating my will even though I am getting older by the minute.
  • My life – what do I want to do with the rest of it?

That’s just the tip of the iceberg as they say. Right this moment I want to close my eyes and make everything disappear. Since I don’t know any magic, I’ll just tap and sip my tea. Maybe that will be magic enough. I wouldn’t mind some toast and jam later. I’ve worked off my lunch walking and talking with God at the park. It’s a windy afternoon, but I had my Linda Lundstrom parka on. The hood blocked the wind well. I was snug as a bug. The fur baby and I did 3 laps around the park. We had good company, too, the two legged and four-legged kind.

Well, I guess this is enough putting off. I best get at the toast and jam. Otherwise it’ll be supper time. I did set up an appointment for Tuesday morning to get some pointers on my new Bernina sewing machine. It has alot of gizmo on it. I should learn how to operate it properly and not by gosh and darn.

 

 

 

JUST DO IT – Day 176 in a year of…

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Day 176, January 18, 2017 @5:21 pm

January is moving slowly for me. It’s been a harsh month of fluctuating temperatures. Can you believe that it was -45 degrees C with the windchill just a week or two ago. Today, the high is 7 degrees C. Right now it is still a balmy 6 degrees. It is melting. No point in complaining because someone is sure to tell me that nothing makes me happy.

They would be right! This weather is draining my energy. My legs feel like giant heavy logs. My feet like I’m wearing weighty steel-toed shoes as I drag through the slush with Sheba in toe. Every day in January it seems I’m moaning and groaning about something. I can’t talk, meditate or kick myself out of it. I bitch and complain but life still has to be lived. So I just do it. Sheba and I have to walk. We just do it.

We are back from our walk. I take the garbage bin to the front curb. It is garbage day tomorrow. The snow is melting. The backyard is a mess with Sheba’s poop littered here and there. I sigh a great big sigh. I feel exhausted, disgusted and not at all inclined to do it. BUT it does not pick itself. Sheba is not trained to pick up after herself. It’s NOT going away. I might as well JUST DO IT! Okay. It’s DONE – two bags of it! Ugh!