Tag Archives: clouds

Clouds

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Clouds got in my way for a few days. I’m struggling to find my way back. It’s difficult. I’ve lost my momentum and rhythm. Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now is one of my favourite songs. It speaks so true about how clouds are for me. I’ve been very much feeling them the last few days. It helps to know that I’m not the only one. For a long time, I’ve felt somewhat defective, an odd ball, a failure being this way. It’s hard to believe that we are all the same. We are. We are all human.

The clouds have at last delivered. It rained. I should say showered. It lasted only a few minutes. The sun is trying to come through. I should be grateful. And I am.

  1. I am grateful for any rain that fell.
  2. I am grateful that there are no smoke in the air.
  3. I am grateful that some of the clouds are lifting.
  4. I am grateful that I am still here, tapping a few words on my keyboard.
  5. I am grateful for Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.
  6. I am grateful I can still feel gratitude.

Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
And you leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know love
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say, “I love you, ” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends, they’re acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I’ve changed
Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

It’s life’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know life
I really don’t know life at all

Looking for Happy

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A cloudy afternoon. It’s not very uplifting. I’m drowsy, wanting to shut my eyes to the world. I don’t. I sip my coffee, I tap a few words and I sip some more. I think chocolate cake might be good now. The trouble is we ate the last of it yesterday. I have to think of something else to lift me up. I wonder why I’m such a sad sack, always searching for happiness.

Why is it so elusive? Am I searching in all the wrong places? Do I even know what it is? How will I know when I find it? I’m sure they are age-old questions with no answers. Still, it is good to voice them even if it is just to trick my brain into work. I finish my coffee. I get up and sweep the kitchen floor. So much dust and food crumbs every day! Too bad there’s no such thing as self-sweeping floors. Then what will we do with ourselves?

I pick myself up and dust myself off. Time to go and see my father. He is alone and lonely without my mother. I zipped onto his driveway and let myself into the house. I announced that we are going to Market Mall. I have a few things to pick up at Freshco. I load the wheelchair in the trunk, helped him with the seat belt and off we went. We cruise the aisles of the grocery store. My father bought 2 tomatoes. I bought a couple of snack food. We cruised the mall, my father pushing the wheelchair for support. We finished with coffee. The vendor was a bit annoyed that I use a credit card for $2.50. It’s easy. No fumbling around for change.

On the way back, I stopped in our back alley to show him my live in’s boat. Dad surprised us by climbing up with a bit of help to check out everything. He was impressed with the cabin, that it had everything in it. I was worried about how he was going to get down. He surprised me again by doing it. He will be 94 in July. He did say that it was his first and last time on the boat. He said his legs were shaking so badly. But he was laughing, looking excited and happy. I am, too, seeing him thus.

STAYING WELL, STAYING HAPPY

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January 23. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I’ve taken 3 days off from the challenge. It was time for a break/rest. Now let me see if I can hop back on again. We’ve had a long, long stretch of grey and foggy weather. Though it had created some beautiful photographic opportunties, it was wearing on me. Then on Friday the sun returned in all its glory. It was welcomed but it was rather abrupt and bright. My physical body did not like it at all but we limped through it. I felt better the next day and got to enjoy sunny morning ski.

The sun disappeared again after the two days. I think that’s how things will be in our new normal – change, fluctuation and uncertainty. I’m being more mindful so that I can live my best possibel life. It helps if I can identify what makes me feel bad and what makes me feel good. I used to take many things for granted. I never planned much. I never thought much about what I want and didn’t want. I allow things to just happen. Life seemed more stable and secure back then. It was always an illusion. It was comforting.

Now, I can no longer believe in the illusion. Nor do I want to. It would make me more vulnerable and unable to handle life’s little and big problems. I want to develop strength and resilience. I want a life that is meaningful even if it is difficult. Perhaps dealing with all the difficulties gives life meaning. Even though the clouds have returned, I’m finding the silver lining. My mantra borrowed from Regina Brett – No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up – still works for me.

And so that is what I do. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up and do the best I can. Today I got up, dress up and went to my exercise class even though I did not feel like it. I left the class feeling more energetic and alive than when I arrived. I felt content this afternoon cooking up my pumpkins to make puree. Their orange-ness made me feel good. I was totally engaged reading John Grisham’s The Client. My whole being was in the book. I took no notice of the greyness outside. I think I can make my own endorphins.

I think it is what I need to do to stay well and happy. There’s always something that I can do to make things a little better. When I was feeling tough on Friday, I was still able to go to my drawing class. I was able to forget how I was feeling for two hours. I even had fun. It was like playing and I felt well. Play is a valuable tool and it comes in many forms. It’s up to me to discover what they are and have fun at it.

I CAN JUST SCREAM

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Photo by mohamed abdelghaffar on Pexels.com

January 16. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I think I’m apt to scream soon. Another heavily foggy day with no end in sight. No, that’s not correct. There’s a bit of sun forecasted for Friday. Though I am out and about, the grey is making me restless and antsy. I wonder how it is affecting others. Perhaps I should have made 2 rounds on the ski trail this afternoon. It would have tired me to calmness. Tomorrow is another day – of more clouds. I will have plenty of practice dealing with greyness and restlessness. I can save the screaming, too, for another day. At least I am not depressed.

So what can I do instead? I was going to do some tidying and putting away but I felt more restless and irritable just looking at my mess of things. I cancelled that idea. I’m really not in the mood to write a post but here I am, tapping away on the keyboard. I’m not soothed yet. Maybe I need to slow down so it’s more rhythmic. I think I need to dim the lights a bit. The brightness is stimulating me too much. I can feel my heart rate in my fingertips. I wonder if the weather can change our chemistry. It sure affects me.

I can make a list of things to do for tomorrow.

  • Phone SaskEnergy for an appointment for them to come and change the meter.
  • Deposit the cheque from the government.
  • Renew my driver’s license.
  • Meet the girls for breakfast.
  • Ski.

I feel a little calmer having made the list. Supper is soon. I will have a small glass of wine. Yes, I do feel better. No screaming necessary. I will let all that extra energy flow out through my fingertips.

RECYCLING 365 SOMETHINGS

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A little while ago, I was thinking that I’ve been feeling and doing quite well. I haven’t had my usual miseries of sinus problems, aches and pains and the blues for a long time. Be careful of what you think! Lo and behold, my said maladies paid me a visit. Maybe it’s not my thoughts that brought them forth. Rather, I was receiving advance warnings of their imminence. I like to think it was that.

It’s so cloudy today and oh my gosh, I’m so tired! Complaining again. It makes me feel better just to let it all out. It’s only here, in my own space. Who else would give a care? I’m sure they’re probably feeling the same. It serves me right taking 2 weeks off, sitting on duff – well, not entirely the whole time. Sheba and I still had our daily walks. Goes to show a daily walk with the dog is not much exercise even in freezing rain. It’s good we’ve gone and come. I’m warming up with my tea. She’s laid out on her bed quiet as can be. Shhh!

I’m trying to organize my thoughts. I didn’t think  a swim on Sunday and an hour of aerobics yesterday would cause me such fatigue. But it has. The clouds adds to it. But that is my life, like it or not. I’m trying to make it work better. How can I make my life smoother and more productive with my energy level? I’m listening to some of my own ideas. Re-scheduling activities to different time slots and see how that works. Someone wrote a post on recyling old content for a fresh and new article. I could use the idea for other things besides writing.

Day 7 – Feeling some purple and red and off colour anger. Unable to make a picture today

Daisy Yellow has pointers on the 365 Something Projects. I am on my Day 8 of the project. Doing something creative every day does lead to more creativity. Things get easier and flow starts. I will have to apply that ‘do something every day’ to organizing my desk, the dining table where I do my 365 Somethings Project, my painting studio, my sewing space – in other words, the whole house! Maybe I could chart my progress here. That would make me accountable. I shall do it! I am already trying to pick up and put away as I go along today. Does that get points for me?

 

CLOUDS AND SILVER LINING – Day 225 in a year of….

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Day 225, March 10, 2017 @10:33 am

A few days have lapsed since day 2002. My needs are still the same. I am still a clutterbug. The difference is I feel empowered. No longer quite as helpless. No longer a victim. I can help myself. I can work my way out of a wet paper bag if need to. I am learning and progressing in my year of doing different.

Sometimes you just have to stare fear right in the eye. It’s better than being trapped in helplessness, shaking like a leaf in the wind. Some things you cannot change or avoid. That’s all there is to it. You might as well face the music and do the things you most dread – taking/being responsible. You might find it the most freeing thing. The shackles open and fall off. You can move, think and have a plan of action. You find yourself smiling and feeling pliant, moving to your heart’s demands.

On days like these, the sun is always shining. Life is clear as crystal. You can see and feel through all sides of your life. You feel blessed and wondered why you have fought against all of this so hard. This moment is so peaceful. You see all the smiles and kindness bestowed without asking.

It is fleeting. You accept it, knowing it will come again and again. It is the nature of the universe. Our days on earth are short and breathtakingly beautiful as well as painful. Storm clouds gather at the horizon. But there’s always a silver lining. Look for it.

A LITTLE DAB WILL DO ME – Day 90-95 in a year of….

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Day 90-95, October 27, 2016 @9:27 am

img_8136The world did stop and I stepped off the grid for a few days.  Life was spinning too fast for me. I pressed the pause button for a breather.  We can do that, you know.  I am not/don’t want to be an EverReady battery, going on and on.  I get a headache when I see and hear the drummer boy toy soldier beating his drum. Rat-a-ta-ta!  I am happy to be a human being, flawed and stalled – for a little while.

Getting a recharge is wonderful – like a coffee/tea break.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been struggling through this last week of cloudy October days. I’ve kept a stiff upper lip and my chin up.  But enough is enough already!  God heard and gave us a sun shiny afternoon yesterday – a respite.

img_8234A little respite, a cup of tea is enough to put that tiger/growl back in my tank.  It can bring me back to my keyboard.  It is soothing to feel and hear the rhythm of the tap, tap beneath my fingertips.  It feels good to sit in the weak October sunlight.  A little dab will do me.  I will put on my makeup, put on some earrings and smile.

 

BRAGGING

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BirdsThe rains almost came, the sky heavy with dark clouds.  But they receded as the sun competed for attention.

I am trying to write my few words but my own cloud is fighting to be heard.  Patiently I sit, waiting for the tug of war to subside.  It is not easy.  It is not hard.  I just have to sit and tap out one word at a time.  I do not have to clever.  I do not have to be funny.  I just have to tell it as it is.

IMG_1011So how is it?  When I think it is SO hard to do this and that, I am surprised to find that it isn’t so.  When you make a start, one thing follows another.  Before you know it, the thing is done.  I am proud of myself.  You could say I am bragging now.  Why not?  I have to give myself credit because I know how hard it is when the clouds grab a hold of you.

I used to live in wait – for the shoe to drop.  It was a relief when it did and nothing else happened.  No disaster.  No headless monsters. I’ve learned to go with the flow and let the clouds stay their while.

I do not try to ease my pain.  It is painful.  My throat is tight and unyielding.  My limbs heavy and limp at the same time.  Everything hurts, even my eyeballs.  Have you ever felt like that?   I do not try to call or make dates with friends.  No use burdening others and most likely no one will be home.

IMG_0854That has been my experience.  No one is home in those times for me.  It is more empowering that I be home for myself.  So, I put my head down and put one foot in front of the other and MOVE, at whatever speed I can.  Life is hard sometimes.  You have to give yourself a break and a pat on the back once in awhile.  You have to brag once in a while, often.  Go ahead.  Do it.

LET MY SECRETS SET ME FREE

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IMG_0869The day is heavy with clouds.  They press down on my shoulders with their weight much like the secrets in my heart.  I inhale and exhale, shrugging my shoulders, throwing off unwanted burdens.  Clouds, clouds, go away.  Come back another day.

I had not known they were there – the secrets, till I felt their presence knotting up my heart.  They demanded to be heard, to be reckoned with.  I had no choice but to bring them out into the light of my consciousness.

IMG_0925I’m digging in my garden.  With each weed that comes out, the knot is looser, the weight coming off little by little.  I can breathe easier and I can see what I would not before.  Life and gardens are like that.  You can’t see the truth for all the weeds.  You have to weed them out, however painful it is.

 

IMG_0926In the end,  hard work will pay off and you will be awed by the fruits of your labour, however small they may be.  God is always paying attention.

EVERY DAY HAS ITS CLOUD

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IMG_0866The clouds can get to me.  Their shifting shadows feel ominous, giving me a sense of impending doom.  It feels as if someone is walking on my grave. I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.  It never has.

I’ve learned to live with this holding my breath, waiting for the shoe to drop – waiting to wake up from my free fall through space and hitting the ground.  I never have.  And so, I’m braver now.  I have wings and I can almost fly.  No heavy landing for me, thank you very much.

IMG_0876Still, the clouds can make my heart skip a beat at times.  But that is okay.  I flutter my wings a bit to calm it and carry on.  There’s early bike rides with Sheba trotting by my side.  She needs someone ahead to chase after or else she digs her heels in and say, No!  We ride when the sun shines or not.  I feel like a postman.

The sun is shining now.  It has been playing hide and seek with the clouds all day.  I am playing along with both of them.  Whatever works! The rain has made the ground nice and soft to dig.  It is a good opportunity to clean up my much neglected and overgrown perennial beds.

I’m hoping they will look better in a month or two.  Digging and clearing is good therapy.  I’m cleaning my inner space along with my outer space.