Day 44, Sept. 4, 2016 @7:19 pm
I haven’t changed my time of arrival here. If anything, I’m arriving later rather than sooner. I hope to have more words and paragraphs. I’m hoping for more inspiration.
These days I am dogged by fatigue, sleepiness and pain. This morning laying in bed, I wondered if I am suffering from fibromyalgia – that vague ailment that many suffer from. I have listened for many years to my mother’s own complaints of aches, pain and fatigue. I wondered if that is what she has. Once again I googled ‘fibromyalgia’. I came to the same conclusions as before. I don’t know anything more than I did before. I am not willing to take to take a lot of drugs. I am highly functional despite my discomfort. It doesn’t matter what name you give the cluster of symptons so I will not spend a lot of time chasing doctors and 
diagnosis.
I moved on with life and my day, starting with my qi gong routine. I breathed and moved, infusing my body with chi. I put my mind into the gentle movements, knowing that it is not a one time fix. It is a lifetime of healthy habits. It need not be a big, big thing. It is always these small steps we take for ourselves. They can heal. They can build muscles in the body and mind.
I did find my inspiration reading Caroline Myss’s August newsletter on inspiration and expectation. What I got from it was that it is better to inspire or to be inspired than to expect. Expectation has a sense of entitlement to it. If we are good, we expect to be rewarded. But the question is by whom? This is the part from the newsletter that spoke to me:
“Expectations do not serve you or anyone else. It’s much better to be filled with inspiration than with expectations, as the latter usually disappoints you.
And remember, the idea that there is a right path or a wrong path is a child’s way of thinking. And it leads to the secondary belief that you should be rewarded for taking the right path. Or conversely, challenges that are just ordinary in life would be viewed as proof you made the wrong choice. The very template of right-wrong, good-bad is limited by its nature.
Instead, learn to recognize your motives for making your choices in life. When motivated by fear or money or insecurities, you’ll make choices of equal quality. And those choices will fit the quality of your motivation. It is not God offering or withholding rewards from you. You’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices. That, too, is part of the system of law and order in the universe. We are all subject to the consequences of our choices – such is the way of karma.
And so we reflect upon this wisdom: Know yourself, and you will know the Universe. Think of the power you have inside of yourself to determine the quality of your life experiences.” – Caroline Myss
Some days are easier than others but all days are hard. At one time I thought it best not to use that word – hard. I’ve changed my mind. Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s best to face the facts. Life is hard. Days are hard. This morning the sky was overcast, ominous, the trees whipped about by the wind. I felt nature’s turbulence within.
In my new state of awareness, I have this feeling that everything and nothing matters. I get to decide which. I am the master/captain of my destiny/ship. I choose everything matters. It is in my genetic code. I am an explorer, a striver and a survivor. I choose life. I choose to make it a good life. This decision gives me direction in every moment. It makes a difference in the days, weeks, months, years to come.
onethousandandtwo 