LETTING GO, BE DARING, BE NEW

Posted on December 25, 2017 by hafong

December 25, Christmas Day. Sunlight streaming in. I’m cozy as can be – tap, tapping away on this cold day. It’s only -26 Celsius now, up 2 degrees since 7 am. I’m looking a little tired, bags underneath my eyes and my hair is not up to par. Well, it’s not quite combed. I’m out of practice doing selfies. It looks like the cyclamen is growing out of my ear. I’ve left things slide. My hair could use a cream rinse to put in some shine. I need lots more moisturizer to rid those bags. And you should see the diningroom table.

It goes to show some things never change. It can be a comforting or provocative thought. You can count on consistency or dependability. You are not surprised or blown away constantly. On another train of thought, I see that I am who I am. If someone doesn’t like me, it doesn’t matter what I do, they will not like me. It’s really none of my business. I really love these witty truisms. It’s obviously true. It says nothing new or interesting. It’s time to walk away. I will save myself a whole lot of energy and time giving up trying to be someone else for someone else. It’s a lightbulb moment if I ever saw one.

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Now I’m at day’s end, just before bedtime. I’m taking a few moments to gather my thoughts on this holiday period. I’m secretly pleased. Now you know, too. I’ve had a very good Christmas. I’ve taken a step towards new rituals for the Season. I’m not saying it’s the correct and only way. It’s different for me. Mostly I just stopped doing the ‘usual’ – running around looking for the perfect gift, putting up a tree and decorations, baking, etc. It did make me feel uncomfortable at times. But isn’t that always with doing something new?

It’s not for everyone. Not everyone wants to simplify Christmas. Some people really enjoy all that goes with the season. I respect their chosen ways. And I am not saying that I will repeat the same action next year. Things are ever changing, me and my feelings included. The old way of doing things don’t work for us any more. I have to be willing to let go of them and be open to try something new. Grow with the times, the bells chime.

FREE AT LAST

Posted on December 8, 2017 by hafong

I love sitting here listening to Caroline Myss speak her wisdom. She is what you call a no nonsense woman. “Stop it!” she stresses. “Or I am going to put your head in the toilet.” I like to put Sheba’s head in the toilet now. She’s barking over her rubber chicken. I can hardly think! I’m suppose to toss it with her. I like sitting here with her when she’s quiet and peaceful. She probably likes it when I play rubber chicken. We are both in training – to better ourselves and to please each other. Mutual love.

I think we are making some progress. We are going to prove that you can teach old broads new tricks. It depends on the rewards used. Sheba is not as discriminatory as I am. She is tail-wagging happy, will sit, down and stand on her head if possible for any treat big or small. I am not so easily swayed. It would be in your best interest to trick me into self motivation. I am a tough cookie. Sheba loves tough cookies, too. She’s always next to me.

For today at least, I’ve relinquished my guilt for everything. I’m letting it fall like puddles at my feet. I can declare like Martin Luther King, Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty ~~we are~~ I am free at last. A little melodramatic, you say. But alas! I do feel shackled by all that I’ve been taught, unwittingly or otherwise.

I like to turn a new page, a clean slate with no blame. I’ve come to the conclusion that we can’t forget, we can’t forgive so let’s move on and start a new story. We think our wounds are healed but are they just scarred over? They can bleed at any provocation. Ask any survivors of residential schools in Canada. And has Truth and Reconciliation Commission brought about truth and reconciliation? I am sure that many would find a fallacy in my comparison between such a big hurt and my little hurts. But aren’t wounds, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder? I’m not a fan of licking each other’s or trading stories of wounds. It makes me want to have bigger ones than you have. That’s why I think it wise for me to move on.

I hate the name of Wounded Warrior. I don’t even like being a warrior at all. The title signifies fighting, warring. Don’t we have a lot of that? Every day in the news there’s a war. The Gulf War, the war in Afghanistan, Syria, Vietnam, Iraq. Then there’s the war on drugs, terror, against crime, poverty, cancer. Why must we fight so much? Can’t we work to find solutions? Maybe if we can change our talk, we can change our thinking and seeing. Maybe we can find common ground without the fight. How about a little brotherhood and sisterhood. And maybe then there won’t be so much ass and other body parts grabbing.

So why this sudden avalanche of sexual harassment stories. They’re tumbling out of closets. Big names, starting with Harvey Weinstein, are falling like dominoes, except for Trump. He is still President even though he said grab them by the * *. Maybe he has a big ~~gun~~ mouth.

TEDIUM AND TEDIOUS

Posted on November 21, 2017 by hafong

Life, at times, seems to be made up of many necessary but tedious tasks – like cleaning and tidying up. Here she goes again! I can hear you say but it is so true. It is 2:27 pm and I’ve just sat down after preparing lunch, eating it and then what I detest the most, cleaning up. Now I’m writing about it. Ha! The tedium. I really want to have a nap now.

But I know the value of order and discipline. My nature is that I don’t really have a driving desire to do anything. If I have my druthers, I would probably be singing Freddy Fender’s, wasted days and wasted nights. I’m one of those people who needs inspiration, challenges and goals. I seldom plan. I might be in a neater, if not better place if I did. It is never too late. That’s what they tell me. I’m inspired to go that route now.

My plan is to have a plan for the day. I’ve been operating on it for a few weeks now. I’m doing the obvious, the hardest and most hated stuff. What is difficult for me is cleaning up and putting stuff away in a timely as well as neatly fashion. When I was in Grade 1 in Hong Kong, one of our assignment was to get a note from our parents. The note was to identify what they thought our worse trait was. Well, my mother thought mine was paper clutter. I dropped them wherever. It was like a show and tell. I was reprimanded by my teacher – very severely I felt at the time.

Obviously, it hadn’t helped me. I am still that clutterbug. I’m changing my ways though. I’m working on the dishes. After washing and drying, I’m painstakingly putting them away where they belong or finding a better place for them. You’re wondering, What’s so painful about that? Well, for me it is! It feels like I’m going against the grain or my nature. It’s like torture. I wonder if I have some kind of disorder.

Things are getting a little easier though. You can see some surface on the dining room table and my desk. I’m ridding my junk mail (hard copies and emails) faster. I’ve lived many days feeling as if I have something needed doing but don’t know what. FINALLY that dreaded feeling is gone. I’m feeling more at ease.

Hmm. I’m feeling more alert and focused. It helps to identify my problem areas. It is nice to see progress. That is why I come here each day to tap on the keyboard. Some days I have great thoughts, exciting news and projects. Some days I am sad or angry. Then there are the doldrums. There is a lot of it in life. When they are taken away from you, that is the time when you see what treasures they really are. So I don’t mind them so much. They are restful. Maybe it is what mindfulness is – learning to sit and stay in the mundane and tedious until they are no longer so. Until you see what jewels they are.

NO WHOLE ENCHILADAS FOR ME

Posted on November 17, 2017 by hafong

Some things don’t change. Some people never do. I feel myself being triggered by the same person, in the same way. I could feel the same ire rising in me. She’s still the same! I thought. The next thought was, I am, too! But that doesn’t mean that I have to be. I can change. I just have to pay more attention and not bite. I can go down a different street. I do not have to fall into that same hole in the sidewalk.

Change – it’s easier said than done. Some of our habits are so ingrained. The way we think, act, speak, respond are automatic. Things are out of our mouths and the deeds are done before we know what happened. Then we are sorry – till the next time. The question then is how do we make a change. How many times do we fall through the same hole before we choose a different route?

I’ve spent a year trying to do something different each day, even if that something is thinking differently. But then, that is the thing. It is all in the thinking. They call it stinking thinking. After a year of trying to be different, I still need reminders, reviews. Life is tricky. There are many holes in the sidewalk. I am not there yet. But where is the there? Is there a there? Or is this a whole life process, like breathing? We have to keep at it, day after day. Life is a process. Sometimes I just hate these sayings. For once I like to say I have arrived. Ya da!

Ever the Google and research girl, I found B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits as the fastest and better way to change. I like the sound of no gimmick and tiny. I never found the whole enchilada very appealing except at a buffet. Then you really pay for it, both financially and physically. Life Hack has a comprehensive post on it. It includes tiny habits for physical and mental health, for work productivity, better relationships, better community and environment. You can check it out and see for yourself.

I hear John Lennon singing This Is Christmas in my head the last few days. It is coming. I’ve made the decision to celebrate it without the gifting. I’ve had the conversation and it’s okay with the family. It will be a change after all these years. Do we really mean it’s really the spirit that counts and not the gifts? Can we celebrate without the buying? Maybe I can, but what about the others? The thoughts are going round and round my head. How am I going to celebrate Christmas this year? What can I do to make it meaningful, to lift my spirit?

Maybe making the decision of not gifting at Christmas is enough this year. I am then left with no running/driving around slippery streets and slopes. There will be just the occasion of Christmas, people, food and John Lennon’s So this is Christmas. How will you celebrate this Christmas?

MATHEMATICS, EINSTEIN AND WAYNE DYER

Posted on October 26, 2017 by hafong

It’s another morning, another day. I’ve gotten up, dressed up in my day clothes and have I am. The mornings are still very dark at 7. There’s snow on the ground, on the spruce and on my lettuce bed. The buddhas sit unperturbed beneath their canopy. Their placidness amid all weathers is admirable. It’s what I strive for each day. I don’t always succeed but seeing them each time is a reminder. I try again and again.

Each day I get a new opportunity to try/do at what I yearn and have yet not achieved. How awesome is that? I need not dwell in the pit of self-pity and failure. Each day I can try something new, go down a different path. That’s what I have to remember. There is no point in keep doing the same thing, expecting different results. That’s wrong mathematics or insanity as Einstein and Dr. Phil would say.

I am a fan of quotes. They contain so much wisdom and truth in a sentence or two. Einstein said: “Nothing happens until something moves.” Wayne Dyer: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” I’ve been putting these quotes into practice over the last year. Change is slow as it is difficult to be awake and conscious. I’ve been mesmerized and swept along the routine of everyday life. Sometimes I forget to stop and smell the flowers or the coffee though I love that quote. I’m trying again – stopping to notice, to smell, to document.

Now I have to move and do something else.

I’M A BIG GIRL NOW

Posted on October 2, 2017 by hafong

October 2, 2017. Cloudy, rainy and windy, the stuff of ugly autumn days. I should not put labels on the day. It is a day. The weather has changed. The ugliness is my automatic reaction to change. I struggle with it. It throws a monkey wrench into my well grooved rut. It means I have to work harder to get my brain around the change/problem. I can feel my cortisol rising, my brain fogging up. Sometimes I want to cry and have a tantrum. I know it won’t help. Nobody can/will help. It’s my problem. Everybody has their own shit. Better buckle up and suck it up, Buttercup. You are a big girl now.

I’m tapping it up, or out. I’m taking a breath in and out, calming and clearing my head. I’ve reviewed the process of problem solving. What is the problem? What is it that I want to achieve? What is it that I need to do first, next, and then. I take my own advice and do the steps. There, done! Now I wait for the resolution.

What I know for sure is that I lack patience and concentration. My mind is fractured in a million directions. It probably is contributing to my sleeping problems in the last while. I need to stay more focused and not be so distracted and distraught – wasting energy, treading water. I am going to work on staying in the present moment using Caroline Myss’ advice. I will chart my progress here.

Five Rules for Staying in Present Time

Choose something in your life that you want to change, but make it a reasonable choice. Choose something that will require daily attention, such as exercising every day or changing your nutritional program. Whatever the choice, just make sure it’s something you really can accomplish each day without having to turn your world upside down. Pay attention to every obstacle or distraction that surfaces to prevent you from accomplishing your goal. Write down the obstacles along with your impressions about why you are sabotaging your practice to keep your awareness in present time.
Two times a day, create an image and see how long you can hold that image without any distraction from your external environment. Once again, make note of what distracts you—emotional concerns, noises, bodily discomfort, traveling into your past. Every form of distraction holds a literal and symbolic meaning. It’s worth the extra step to consider the meaning of your distractions.
Pay attention to your excuses and how often you use the past to excuse something you are doing or do not want to do in the present moment, particularly if you use illness or lack of energy.
Make note of what energizes you in the present moment. What makes you feel good? And then pay attention as to whether you think, say, or do something that sabotages your joys, particularly if what you think or do is based on the past.
Develop a mantra—a special short positive thought—that brings your attention back to present time.

ALCHEMY – PROGRAMMING FOR SUCCESS

Posted on August 13, 2017 by hafong

August days can be perfect days when the sun is shining with that perfect warmth and perfect angle. It’s the sunshine lollypops and rainbows, Everything is wonderful kind of moment. I sit back, breathing in the ecstasy of this moment, holding it in my mind’s eye for future reference. The feeling lasted the whole morning. It lingers still though a siren is wailing in the distance and tools clanging and iron grinding nearby.

Perhaps this is how one should live – to take and carry that moment of ecstasy into our being and use it to transport and transform us through our days/life. It’s the perfect agent of change/alchemy. No matter where we are, what storms we’re caught in, we can go within ourselves into that magic moment and find the strength and wisdom to withstand and resolve.

I am just at the beginning of this journey. I am seeing and experiencing some of the power of this process. It’s really programming myself for success, changing and doing what works. It’s long overdue. Now I know and understand nature and myself better, I’m doing better. I’m feeling better, resting better. I’m leaving behind other people’s stuff and messes. I’m dealing with my stuff and clearing my messes. I have more space and peace in my heart.

COMING HOME -beginning a year of…

Posted on July 23, 2016 by hafong

I can’t believe that I’ve been away since May 11th. Coming back, sitting here, tentatively tapping at the keyboard is both exhilarating and uncomfortable. The familiar sound and rhythm are soothing. I am stretching to find the words. I am starting a new project.

I haven’t been happy lately with how life and the world have unfolded. I would hazard a guess that I have a lot of company in that respect. I am disappointed with how I am unfolding. I am not living up to my own standards. See what I mean? I am beating on myself again – repeating past history. I want to change. If I change my actions, maybe I can change my brain. My brain is hardwired to my habits – or is it the other way around?

I Dare Our world is dark and gloomy but magic still resides. Merlin is listening, waiting with his abrahcadabra! After I expressed my wish for change, I found Luann Cahn’s book, I Dare Me among my bag of library books. The wish was already in me and the Universe knew.

So here I am, embarking on this new venture – a year of consciously doing something new. I can do it. This confidence and optimism is new. I CAN DO IT.

I will not be bungee jumping off a tall building in Las Vegas. Or sky diving or mountain climbing. But then I don’t know where this project will take me. For now, the challenge of change and writing about it every day will be exciting enough.

To mark this special occasion of change/transformation, I have clipped my hair. It’s like popping that champaign bottle for me. Here I am post clipping, fresh from the shower, no mousse. Not short/daring enough. Next time. I see I could use some makeup. That would be something new for me – makeup every day. I do hate those girls who takes such lovely selfies. Another first – expressing my envy!

THE ‘HOOD

Posted on May 23, 2014 by hafong

It is morning again, already! The sun is shining right in my eyes. I am tired. My fingers are stiff, the knuckles swollen and sore. Too much work in the garden yesterday.

I have lost my words for a few days. Once lost, it takes some work to coax them back. So I am limbering up these tired old fingers. I’m pecking away on the keyboard, one word at a time, one slow thought at a time.

Our raised beds are all built, lined and filled with topsoil – all four of them. Two of them are planted. Two more to go. They are looking quite handsome but I am sure some irate neighbour will find some fault even though it is on our property. Such is my neighbourhood. I am so envious of hearing others talk about their neighbours and a sense of community.

Not that my neighbours are such terrible people. But I have not felt a sense of community amid them for a long time. I hear their sad stories about their troubled teens, ugly husbands, messy divorces. I tolerate their shouting matches and loud music. They complain about my dog. Sometimes they make more noise than Sheba.

But I feel a change in the air. The ‘hood is changing. Or maybe it is I who is changing.

WORDS INTO ACTION

Posted on April 4, 2014 by hafong

Now that I have committed myself on paper, it is time to turn the words into action.

I rose and shone this morning, stretched and moved. It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t pretty about it. Nonetheless, I did it.

Nothing has to be perfect. And life certainly isn’t. I love Regina Brett’s phrase, Get up, dress up, and show up. That is big – showing up. You are the star of your life. If you don’t show up, well there is no show.

I have learned from past failures on what not to do if I want to make progress. I can’t keep doing the same things if I want to get different results. Change is necessary for change. I can’t take giant leaps ahead before I have the muscles. Otherwise I will probably stumble and fall. My head has finally stopped throbbing from its crack on the ice. Do I want more unnecessary pain? Absolutely not.

Baby steps are okay, but at some point you have to let go. You have to take a chance and stride forward into action – first one step, then another. Now I’m doing a slow jog down life’s lane – a few steps at a time. Then I slow down and let Sheba dawdle and sniff the grass. I let the sun shine on my face and breathe in the fresh air. Enough sniffing! Time to jog again.

I’m learning to be more fluid and flexible. It is okay to let go a little, relax and have fun. You can’t go at it hard. It’s not about all or nothing. There’s in betweens, greys and even paler shades of white. “It’s all about balance”, is not just an inane phrase. It is the truth.

I’m losing my doldrums already. It feels good to have something to strive for. My endorphins are rising in me. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! I better stop here. Tomorrow is another day. Yes Scarlett, there is tomorrow.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: change