Tag Archives: blog

What Bugs Me

Posted on by
Reply

So Christmas is over. There’s so much pressure to be happy, joyous and celebratory. I’m none of those and I feel guilty that I am not. There’s no law and there’s nobody wagging their finger at me. Perhaps that’s what bugs me the most, my self criticism. It is only right that we put on a happy face and wish each other Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. There’s no need to Bah, Humbug! It would be a sad world if everyone feel like me. Yet that’s how I feel. The thing is perhaps pretend and not to let it show. There is no gain in spoiling it for others.

I’m wallowing in my own misery. There’s no reason to not to feel and acknowledge what is inside of me. I like to think of it as self-care. No one else can truly know how I feel. I’m having a difficult time moving forward but I am putting one foot in front of the other every day. I am making progress though ever so slow. We’ve started the second year without my mother. Who knows how or how long a death affects a person. But it has changed me and my world. How, I am unable to articulate at this time. Perhaps it’s something to write about in January.

What bugs me is that I’m stuck in this space and time, wallowing. I used to look forward to the morning at bedtime. I couldn’t wait to start the day. Now, though I’m not dreading the day or anything, I like to lull in bed, wrapped in the warmth of the comforter and the darkness of the morning even though I am awake. When I do get up, I am surprised but not dismayed that it’s so late. I am bugged but I guess not bugged enough. I feel weighed down by some unknown force. Tomorrow is another day and next week it will be a new year. Hope on the horizon.

Stuck in Stuck

Posted on by
Reply
Photo by Karol Wru00f3blewski on Pexels.com

I hate to admit it but I’m stuck in stuck, going onwheres. I’m not making progress in any direction. Rather than being stuck in disappointment and clutter, I take a deep breath, accept myself as I am and try to deal with one thing at a time. It’s Saturday morning and the sun is shining through my sunroom. I’m having another cup of tea. No surprise, eh? I’ve given up on losing weight. I love cream and sugar in my tea and coffee. I love my little snacks now and again.

November is not a good month to push myself toward anything. Rather it is the time to give in to my natural inclinations. It’s a losing battle to fight against myself when the sun is late in rising and early in setting. It’s only 10 am and already I am sleepy. My whole body is heavy with fatigue. I would be wiser to do like bears in this season and just lumber along as best as I can. It does me no good to berate myself and feel guilty.

Having said all that, I don’t advocate on giving up and sleeping till spring. I still have to do like Regina Brett says, No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. That’s the least I can do and maybe that is the best I can do on a given day. If I can do more, all the better. So what have I done this morning so far besides getting up, dressing and showing up?

  1. Started writing this post.
  2. Paid my bills. Some were late. Thankfully they were not ones with high late interest rates. My memory is slipping this past year. It happens to the best of us.

That’s all I can manage now. I need another cuppa before I can tackle making lunch. I think it’s best to do small rather than big.

Just Pretend

Posted on by
1

I feel so bland these days. I don’t think I could get excited even if you lit a fire in my pants. I wonder where it all went. I didn’t really try too hard to figure it out. I had no energy to spare. Instead, intellectually I know the best thing to do is move as if I am interested and engaged. In other words, just pretend. It works for Nat King Cole. It might work for me, too. If it doesn’t, at least I know I have tried.

Pretending I’m full of vim and vigor, I hustled out to the front yard early this morning with my pitch fork, garden gloves and a pail. I was going to tackle those darn creeping bellflowers while it was still cool and shady. The soil is still moist from the previous days of rain. It should be easy digging. It was. I didn’t get all the bellflowers but I did get a bunch. I transplanted a few amaranth into the bare spots. I hope they will take, flourish, flower and scatter their seeds in the fall for next spring. Right now they’re looking drooping

I didn’t stop there. I knew if I stop, I would not move again. I gave the shaggy grass a clip and swept up the clippings. Next, I put away my tools. If I didn’t, they would be hanging out for awhile. It’s best to pick up after myself as I go along. Surprisingly, I find the process soothing.

Being an early bee, I can get a few things done in the morning. Next on the list was blanching and freezing the shelled peas. It is not a hard job but the clean up is because by then I am tired. I pushed through that, cleaned up and put away. A job well done if I have to say it myself. Now it is the end of day 25 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Small bites

Posted on by
Reply

A super grey cool day with drizzles. The drizzles are welcome, no matter how small. They’re much needed moisture. However, the grey and cool are not conducive for cheer and action. I am in a grey slump, not jumping up and down with excitement nor smiling with glee. I am feeling glum and being negative. There is no point in putting on a phony face. I do apologize for my negativity but I thought it is okay to feel not okay and face and accept what is here.

I am not a total ‘loser’ for lack of a better word. Though I feel lackluster, I am not inert. I still have a bit of life force in me. I’ve been reading Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B.J. Fogg. It lit up a small spark in me on this dreary day. I’m already a fan of doing small and doing easy. This book is a great addition to what I have already learned from Atomic Habits.

Rainy days are good for falling asleep and not so good for for finishing posts/projects or for starting them as you can see. I’ve come back to finish what I started yesterday. This way I can honestly say I’m writing every day. Chocolate cake and a coffee does help to wake me up a bit. Writing on doing small and easy and tiny habits do push me to test out the idea of tiny. A bunch of tinys do add up. They have the potential of becoming something big. On difficult and/or rainy days when tasks look monumentally difficult, taking small bites works better than trying to tackle the whole thing.

It works for me. That is how I am getting through the days of this difficult year. Today, I’ve meditated and wrote my morning pages. Last night’s supper dishes and today’s breakfast dishes were done after breakfast. That’s how I start the morning. It starts me up. Then I cosy up with a cup of tea and some reading. We took my father out for lunch. It gets us all out of the house on a grey rainy day. It’s cheery to eat in a restaurant full of other diners. Dad gets a walk in the mall after. Takes his mind off his shingles. The pain is not too bad. He is on tylenol and can sleep and nap despite the discomfort. I feel I’m doing a good job as a daughter with short time spent.

The afternoon is peaceful. I seed a small pot of broccoli and another of brussels sprouts. They will germinate fairly quickly. Our spring is none too warm yet. I’ve painted my teacup for the #the100dayproject. I’ve bagged up some old clothes for the garbage. Then I’m out in the yard, pulling a few of those darned creeping bell flowers. After all the digging up I did last summer, they are creeping up again. I’m applying doing small and easy on them. I will see where that gets me. I’m going to learn how to live with them wisely. And that is not killing myself trying to obliterate them.

Bit and Pieces

Posted on by
11

Here I am again, sitting in sunshine, sipping my tea. I’m tired already, thinking too much on life, death and taxes. I’m working on not letting all that get me down. That’s life as people like to say. Every day babies are born and people die. We know we can’t escape the tax man. I must set a time within the next 6 days to file mine. Everything sits heavy. There’s no escape. Maybe a tylenol might give me some ease.

I don’t want life to drown me. I’m trying to find my way to the shore and get on solid ground. I tell myself feelings aren’t always real. I can still move and function well inspite of them. My mantra in life has always been No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. During this April it has been make it simple, make it easy. I break jobs into bits and pieces. They add up. I’ve been doing things this way for a long time, even in writing. First, a word, then a sentence. String them together and you have a paragraph. I learned the importance of one small step at a time from Anne Lamott’s book, Bird by Bird. It’s a wonderful little book.

It applies not only to writing, but just about everything in life as well. I’ve sewn 100 log cabin quilt squares that way a few years ago. I have yet to put them together though. It’ll be my square by square project in winter. I talked about getting moving on with my gardening. All I could do yesterday was water the greenhouse and plop 4 cauliflower seedlings in the raised bed outside. It’s not much but it’s not nothing. This morning I’ve managed to pot up 3 squash sprouted seeds before my mood got the better of me. I’m getting things done, living life in bits and pieces.