Lost

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A sunny mid October morning. I’m sipping my second cup of tea. I am tired from yesterday and the day before. Age is catching up with me. Lunches, art galleries, quilt shows and coffee with my father are adding up. I shouldn’t complain and am not. Getting out in the world and connecting with others is always a good thing. It feels like I’ve been in a vacuum this past year. I’m slowly making my way out into the world again.

It feels a bit overwhelming sometimes, waking up to the world we have today. But I am here, caught up in the constant traffic along with the rest of humanity. It is a bit disorientating. I am reminded of the time I was in Hong Kong. It was on a Friday afternoon when people got off work early. I was standing on the sidewalk with people streaming past me. The sidewalk was like a moving escalator. I was, of course, lost, a foreigner among her own people.

I’m feeling less lost and not getting lost as often. I check and plan where I am going. Now there is a Googles Maps app. I can get directions livestream right to my ears. Now there’s not much getting lost but I still get stuck frequently, starting and stopping. Life is never perfect. Whatever would I do if it was?

Feeling stuck, I do a walk through the house this morning, putting away and throwing out things. I do a walk out the door and through the garden and the greenhouse, snipping and pulling. I hooked the hose to the water catchment and turned on the water onto the greenhouse beds. It could be the last watering. Then it’s time to stop and make lunch. Another day and no dollar.

Books Not Read; quilt not finished

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I’m in danger of a no show on this 23rd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I thought I best sit my butt down and get to work. My mind is scattered, neither here nor there. Today I’ve been out for lunch with my retired cronies from work. We don’t see each other frequently so it can get lively and lengthy. Then an hour later, I’m out for coffee with my father and some of our Chinese friends. It’s no wonder I’m all talked out and not much left in my head.

This is the year of short attention span. The only thing that can hold my attention is serious murder mysteries on Britbox. I want to do better than that. I’m working on reading but I haven’t been able to finish one book in a very, very long time. I still take out books that catches my eye from the library and on Libby. They’re free. The library no longer fine overdue books. The books online disappears on their own when the time is up. So why not, even if I manage to read a few pages here and there. I can still gleen nuggets of wisdom and I can enjoy short snippets of a story. I don’t have to have the whole enchilada.

I discovered the word acedia from Kathleen Norris’s Acedia & Me. At present I’m working on her The Cloister Walk because I am interested in monastic life. I don’t know how far I will read. I need just tidbits. I was reading Angela’s Ashes. It was quite interesting but I’ve left it behind. I’ve also left behind The Swedish Art of Aging Exuberantly. Am I not already doing that already? I don’t think I need instructions. I haven’t cracked open Water Mirror Echo: Bruce Lee and the Making of Asian America yet. I will soon. I am on page 39 of Caroline Myss’ Anatomy of the Spirit.

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I did not have enough gas to finish my post yesterday. I’ve covered only a few of the books I did not finish reading this year. I am working on getting my head together. I went to Saskatoon Quilters’ Guild Show and Sale this morning and was blown away by all the creative quilters in our midst. I was especially impressed and inspired by Debora Barlow. She was the 2024 National Juried Show Best of Show winner with the quilt Weir Fishing.

Possibly now I am inspired enough to finish my log cabin quilt that’s been waiting for years for me to put it together.

Wordless Wednesday – Vision Board – Table

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Thank goodness for Wordless Wednesday! The 2 goals I set for myself are to lose weight and to clear clutter. Today’s vision board is composed of photos of how I would like my tables to look most of the time – uncluttered and attractive. If I can keep these images in my mind, I’ll be more apt to succeed. Here’s fingers and toes crossed.

It is My Nature

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Another cool October day. I’m starting to repeat myself. That’s not what I want to do but it’s difficult to change my tune. We are really predictable. We all have our telltale signatures of how we speak, laugh and behave. I’ve been told my laugh is very recognizable. It’s nice to know that it is pleasant. I’ve been told by a few people that they love my laugh. I have heard some laughs that really grate on my nerve. I wonder if we can change these undesirable aspects of ourselves. Or are we doomed?

I like to think that we have some control, that we can change. But here I am, writing in my usual sad sack voice. Sometimes I am not sad but I must sound it. One friend reading my post reached out, offering me help and a place to stay if needed. She was very kind and compassionate. I do wonder whether her nature and life experience affected her interpretation of my words. Her son had suffered from depression and committed suicide. She had not seen the signs.

Eh! I’m falling into myself again, talking a sad streak. It’s not my fault. It is my nature but I am making an effort to cheer up. I like to change my tune. Maybe that could be my goal for the next Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a few months to work on it. Regardless, I’m taking a run at my day. I felt a spark of joy yesterday having a clean house and a cleared diningroom table. I’m keeping that in my mind’s eye to light my way.

Working out of Acedia

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A cool cloudy October 20th, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. We’ve weathered through the first year. We took some flowers to her grave site yesterday. We had a rose for her friend, Amy but we couldn’t find her unmarked site. We knew it was nearby but it was too cold to do a long search. We added the rose to mom’s bouquet. Next visit, Amy.

A year is not a long time. Her absence felt long. I can’t remember or feel the time between her leaving and the present. I find myself wondering what the heck happened. How did I get here? It is best to leave those feelings and questions unexplored. I would only get lost in them and it would do more harm than good.

So here I am, on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t completely dispelled my acedia which is described by AI as a state of listlessness, apathy, and a lack of care, often involving spiritual or moral laziness and indifference. I sometimes still find myself emotionless, incapable of being upset by anything or anyone. I suppose it can be a good thing. I’ve been too emotional in the past, with a short fuse, erupting like a volcano too often. It’s restful being in acedia.

I think I needed acedia but I’m slowing easing out of it. Maybe it’s due to my daily tapping on the keyboard. Maybe it is making an intention of losing 17 pounds. Today I feel a tiny twinge of being alive and slightly kicking. I feel trimmer, losing the pound I gained. I vacuumed yesterday. The house feels so much cleaner. The diningroom table is once again cleared. Can I say hallelujah?

Falling Off the Wagon Sunday

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I can make intentions and write down so many goals. It’s hard to make them stick though. It’s so easy to fall off the wagon that I don’t even have to try. I can always blame it on gravity. It’s not my fault and I would be right. This is according to Professor Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassionate focused therapy. I love his teachings.

So I am going to practice compassion towards myself. I will keep trying, knowing that I will fall off the wagon again and again.

A Saturday In October

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It’s day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. So far, so good. I’ve been able to show up daily but I am in danger of tanking today. I’m showing up late. Words and thoughts are slow in coming. My day started well with a hearty breakfast of omelette and toast. I’m always slow at getting the show on the road. I like to hem and haw, undecided as to what I should do. One of these days, I have to start to make daily plans as to what I need/want to accomplish. Oh, maybe I can start tomorrow.

I wasn’t totally wasteful. I did some morning stretches to limber up and added a couple of minutes hoola hooping. I thought of doing the stairs and a bit of weights but I didn’t. I’ve fallen behind on the Inktober challenge so I made one quick sketch instead. Then it was almost 10 am. Time to head out to a couple of art shows. It was good to step out into the October sunshine. I felt immediately energized. The house across the street from the show was an art piece itself. I had to snap a picture.

I was excited by the second show we went to. One of the artist did fabric art. Her landscapes were beautiful.I came away inspired and wanting to turn on my sewing machine. Maybe tomorrow or the next day.

It’s a Mad, Mad World

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Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

There seems to be so much madness in our world today. Wednesday morning a man was seen praying, standing on top of his car in traffic. Not long after there’s a car chase and crash on the University bridge. It took hours to clear the bridge. We had to take an alternate route to get home. We were lucky not to be on the bridge when it happened. It’s dangerous reading the news in the morning. News of violence so near can and has colour the rest of my day.

My mood can turn on a dime. When it happens, it is usually not in the right direction. It’s good for me to recognize this. I can pause, breathe and think about how I will deal with it. Byron Katie’s The Work came to mind. I’ve learned to ask my own questions. What if I don’t have this feeling? is what I asked myself today. And how can I rid/change it?

It’s difficult to protect oneself from the bad stuff because we all live in the same world. So I’m turning to my keyboard and my cuppa Orange Pekoe for comfort. My tea, of course, is not black. That would offer me no joy. This morning the scale at the gym told me I gained a pound. I try not to feel crestfallen. I think of it as a pound of muscle. I do feel trimmer. I’m adding more aerobics to my workout. Today I did 50 skips of jump rope and 10 minutes of the bike. My goal is to work up to 100 skips at one go eventually.

It helps that today was bathed in sunshine. Taking my father out for coffee helps, too. It gives me a sense of purpose. Seeing my pink door as I drove off helps, too. Sunshine and colour are good for the heart.

A Long time Coming

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Day 16 of the Ultimate Blog has started. Yesterday I posted a vision board to help me attain my goal of losing 17 pounds. It was composed of photos of my ideal self. It helps to keep it fresh in my mind’s eye. Even though I was feeling sluggish and lazy, wanting to be a hibernating bear, I didn’t cave in. It’s hard to start the morning with a cup of black tea so I didn’t. There’s something so delicious about that first cup of sweet and creamy Orange Pekoe. It’s a wonderful start to my morning. Just so you would know, I used just a tad of honey and 3 teaspoons of evaporated milk.

It was hard not to sink into my love seat after breakfast. I forced myself to run up and down the basement stairs. Noticing how dusty the stairs were, I vacuumed them. It wasn’t hard but the getting to it part was. I wondered if our brains have been altered by all our gizmos. I can’t really say I love scrolling but find myself doing it too often and for too long, wasting too much time and making myself feel not good. The scrolling and pushing of buttons make me feel impatient and frustrated. If I can’t get results right away, I’m pissed.

It’s silly I know but I want to lose my 17 pounds right away, at one try. That was in my mindset yesterday at the gym. I was sorely disappointed with the scale. I did not drop even one ounce. I am more reasonable today. I know it will take awhile to achieve my goal. I will focus on slow and steady progress. I will try to regain pleasure in doing hands on work. Some things just can’t be done by pushing a button or twitching your nose. Some things require hard work. There’s no getting away from that. It’s what I am in the middle of now – cleaning and decluttering my sunroom. It’s taken me a year to get to it. That’s a bit long, isn’t it? But I am here.

Wordless Wednesday – Vision Board

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Yesterday I talked about wanting and needing to lose 17 pounds to achieve a healthy BMI and creating a vision board to help me. Here is a start – a collection of a photo shoot when I was in my best physical form. This is, of course, years ago when I was young and vibrant. I want to feel that again.