BIG BAD DREAMS

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I am feeling more at ease with life and myself. Hooray! I’ve noticed that I am not walking on egg shells any more. You know that feeling, don’t you?  That any minute now something is going to happen. Or the feeling that you should have done something but you haven’t. It’s hard to rest wrestling with all those fears. Now that they are gone, Sheba and I don’t have to keep watch over our shoulders. We can move on.

Having said that, it is a bit strange that I am having some vivid dreams lately and remembering some details. Last night the guy had to reassure me it was a dream. I was screaming. I think I let out 2 or 3. A man was coming in through the basement window. I could see him putting his leg through. I couldn’t find my voice at first and had to work very hard getting the screams out. Apparently I succeeded! I wonder if my dream came from the book I’m reading, John Irving’s Last Night in Crooked River. It is a very good read. I’ll try not to read the ending first as often I’m unable to wait.

I seldom dream about work but last week I did. I dreamt that I had mixed too much potassium into an intraveous bag. I was trying to retrieve it and prevent it from being administered. That was all that I could remembered. I’m not sure why the dream showed up. It’s been 4 years since I’ve stopped working. Such an incident had happened many years ago. Only then it involved a dialysate solution. It was a REAL nightmare. I was happy I had good instincts and paid attention to my unsettling nerves.

The order for amount of potassium to be added did not feel right. I was assured that was what was ordered. I paced and muttered to myself all night. I had lined up the vials of potassium on my drug counter. I couldn’t make myself break them open, draw them up and put it in the solution. I checked and checked. It wasn’t till morning before I could detect the error in transcription from the Doctors Order to the medication sheet. I had not yet started the morning cycle of dialysis. Big sigh of relief.

I wonder how long things stay in our psyches to pop up in our dreams years later. I hope my psyches is cleared now and no more bad dreams in the night. It is very hard to bring out a scream in a dream. Maybe I am twice as scared in dreamland. I used to dream about ghosts sitting on and paralysing me. Only it felt very real to me. I couldn’t scream or move but I could blink. I would blink furiously to prove that I was awake and not dreaming. I would struggle to reach the lamp. If I can turn the light on, it would scare the ghost away. I would stretch and stretch. The lamp is knocked over. The cat jumps from the bed. The weight is off me. I could move. But when I looked over at the lamp, it was not knocked over. It was where it should have been.

The mystery is still a mystery. Were my ghostly visits dreams or were they real? I’ve had no more dreams or visits from Casper or other ghosts since. It was been a long time ago. I guess we do lose our sensitivity to their presence as we age.

THE UNSPEAKABLES

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The phone rings. It is Annie following up on how my mother is doing. She works for A Home for Mom. In March I had been looking at Preston Park assisted living as options for my parents. My mom’s health had taken a sharp turn. It was time to think of new realities. Preston Park seemed to be perfect. It was in their and our neighbourhood. I’m sure I did 3 tours of both Preston Park 1 and 2. They both have excellent social programs, attractive physical space, and friendly staff and environment. It was pricey but I felt it was affordable and worth it.

The trouble was I was the only one in the family who was interested. But it was helpful going through the process. I can rest easier knowing that I tried, thought of options and investigated. Still I welcomed Annie’s follow-up call. Someone else cares and is showing interest in helping even though it is part of her job. I know it is our human nature to run away from knowing that our parents are declining. It is the other unspeakable besides dying. I would run, too if I could but I am the oldest. I am retired. I don’t have children. Those things seem to qualify me for many things exempt to those married, with children and jobs.

Annie is glad to hear my mother is doing better, stronger and steadier on her feet. She and my father are still able to stay in their own home. I have arranged for snow shovelling service for them through The Crocus Co-op and lawn mowing through Saskatoon Services for Seniors. So far, so good. Saskatoon Senior Services offers homemaking and housekeeping services, too. My mother feels she can still do those and enjoy doing them. My father can still drive so they can get out to their neighbourhood mall, shop for their groceries and see friends.

I know that December with Christmas is at the doorstep. I will be very happy to have a quiet boring holiday season and winter. Peace and contentment are the gifts I cherish the most. Health and creativity are my on going goals. The snow may fall and the wind may blow. If I have a roof over my head and the furnace to keep me warm, I shall be happy. There’s bread to be baked, soup to be made, all that yarn to knit, quilts to sew and a whole slew of art classes to watch and do.

 

I’m not a naturally enthusiastic or happy person. I don’t wake up with a song in my heart and dance on my feet. It’s more of a grumble in my throat and a stumble out of bed. Enthusiasm and joy comes slowly as the day unfolds. I didn’t relish heading out in the dark of this morning to swim. It was the memory of past great swims that got me going. Then the rest was easy. The warmth of the water, my weightlessness, the movement of my limbs – the flow. From experience I know that if I do not make the effort to rise above my nature, I would have less of everything – joy, health, etc.

LIKE PEELING AN ONION

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Not so much after-lunch cleanup to do today. Leftovers are always great for that.  Besides being less prep and cleanup, I find them more flavourful. As you can guess, I am not a fussy eater. I don’t have fanciful discerning tastes. Maybe I should develop some and stop my many ‘good enoughs’. It probably won’t ever happen. I can’t fuss.

I’m just not that kind of a person. I could never make anybody jump through hoops for me. Nor can I make a salesperson, waitress/waiter ‘work for their money’. It’s a demeaning behaviour. It embarrasses me to see someone do that and enjoy it. I was an audience to such a display. I didn’t want to watch but I couldn’t help but see my friend’s smile. The waiter had to tell and describe to us all the desserts offered. We could have very well gone to look at the dessert case. It wasn’t like we had to walk a mile. But then that is just me. It’s no big deal and it was his job. Sometimes no big deal bothers me a lot. I should get over them.

It is 3 pm. Sheba has been fussing but I’ve quieted her. She is still quiet. I will wait till she barks again before giving her food. It is not like she is starving. We can both learn to sit and stay together. Do you know how difficult it is to stay in the moment? I always want to get to the next moment. My mind is already there. That’s what winners do, right? Always a step ahead. Or that’s what we’re led to believe.

I’m always thinking ahead of what I should be doing, where to go, what to striving for. It makes it difficult to be HERE. It is as if I, by myself in this moment, am not enough. I’m trying to change that. It takes patience and time. It is really difficult if you don’t know what the problem is. I’m beginning to understand just the tip of it. It’s like peeling an onion, a layer at a time. Oh, sometimes I do cry with the layer. Change is painful.

Sheba has been rewarded with her supper. She waited till I had poured it into her bowl. She did not rush at it like her usual self. You can teach old dogs new tricks. I am not so sure about myself. I am not consistent with her or myself. Therefore, our bad habits prevail. What I must do with her supper is 1) She has to wait till 3 pm at least. 2) She must sit and wait till I’ve poured the food in her bowl. Do I have the fortitude?

Her barking can make me cave in. It does make me cave in most times. She knows it. But today she has demonstrated that she is capable of doing a down/staying if only for a few minutes at a time. I had demonstrated I had patience to repeat the procedure a few times till Sheba herself stayed down longer each time.

We both can do it. We just have to stick to it. One layer of the onion peeled.

 

SMALL WANTS, FULL LIFE

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It’s that time after lunch again. The gruesome cleanups and put aways done. Tomorrow is Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving in the USA. It must be Thanksgiving today then. I wish all my American friends and relatives a Happy Thanksgiving. It’s strange that we celebrate their Black Friday. Why don’t we just do the same with our Thanksgiving? We can just pick a date in the middle somewhere.

I don’t usually participate in the mad shopping frenzy of Black Friday. But we’ve just roasted a ham in my cheap roasting pan of many moons. It is hard to clean and does not have a rack to drain the fat off. Lately I’m  wondering why I am so thrifty and maybe cheap. I can overcome my Chinese genes if I give it a go. So here’s to practicing.  I’ve ordered a Lagostina Roaster at 70% off. Pretty good deal, heh? I wonder how they could afford to do that. Who cares. I am still getting my being thrifty fix.

I’m getting my afternoon sleepy eyes. Best to put the kettle on for a cuppa. Maybe I better hang up the wash first. Breaking up jobs/chores is a good thing. I get to stretch, get a little exercise and refresh my brain. It makes the day/life easier. I’m rediscovering the joys of not multitasking. I’m enjoying putting the dishes away, one at a time. What is the rush and how busy are we really? Does a full life mean that literally – full of stuff and to do’s?

I have to confess that I DO envy the beautiful people and their beautiful full lives. Who wouldn’t, looking on? But if I was to have all that, would I like it? I like some emptiness in my space and my time. I like room to move around in. I like X large T shirts. There’s room to breathe in them. I don’t have many friends. I can handle only a few. I can’t deal with crowds. In essence, I have the perfect life for me. It is not that my life is small. It is I have small wants.

my sister and mother

It is not material things that I coveted. I never had birthday parties and presents. We didn’t celebrate Christmas in the early years. It was not in our Chinese tradition. I wonder if the way I grew up made the difference. I never felt the lack. Later in adulthood in conversation with my sister, I learned she did. She talked of our growing up in poverty. I was shocked. I had to ask my mother if we were poor. Of course!was her reply. We only had dried anchovies to serve with the rice. Your father would bring home a piece of meat and I had to make it last.

I still live like that – making things last. I’ve never felt poor. I’ve never gone hungry. In some ways we were rich. We had a roof over our heads and we got educated. Education was the thing my mother stressed and valued most. She did not have an opportunity to go beyond grade 3 in China. In my opinion my mother is very educated. I am sure she got her PhD in Life.

 

 

I THINK I LOVE SOBEYS

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David Cassidy died today, the radio announcer said. He was 67. Holy cow! I thought. That’s young. I had to sit in the car till I Think I Love You finished playing. Not that I was such a fan of his or the show, The Partridge Family. I don’t know what it is really. Every time I hear of a celebrity dying, I’m surprised or something.  Stardom doesn’t protect them from the very ordinariness of being human and dying. How silly can I be?

I find it very sad when you see how young he really was then and now at his passing. The song over, I got out of my car. I am leaving all that behind. So long, David. I hope you find that love up there.

So it’s good bye celebrity news and hello Sobeys. I had lunch and my ordinary life on my mind. What to make? I had meatballs on my mind. It’s been awhile since I’ve done any grocery shopping. The guy had taken over that duty. Now I’m always a bit lost inside a grocery store, never mind not our every day one.

I was in a bit of awe in this Sobeys. Walking in, I picked up a black shopping basket. I see a woman picking up a made to order sushi dish. Interesting! I thought and cast my eyes over the glass that separated the sushi maker and me. She smiled a greeting at my curiosity. I was tempted but I moved on. More food making stations. There was soups, pizzas, pasta, empadas. My mouth started watering at these sites and smells. I remembered my mission and sauntered further into the store. It was much further in that I found my ground beef. $7 for a pack of extra lean. It was a much better deal than the ready-made. I could make a whole lot more meatballs.

Heading out, I passed more temptations. Oh! a Starbuck right in store with a very nice sitting area. Lots of windows. I could just very well sit here, pick up some sushi and maybe an empada, order a latte. If I had my laptop, I could just sit and tap away after my meal. It was so quiet, too. Not a table was occupied.  Wow, I should grocery shop more often. Who would think I could get excited at Sobeys? Obviously, I’m no celebrity material.

 

 

TEDIUM AND TEDIOUS

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Life, at times, seems to be made up of many necessary but tedious tasks – like cleaning and tidying up. Here she goes again! I can hear you say but it is so true. It is 2:27 pm and I’ve just sat down after preparing lunch, eating it and then what I detest the most, cleaning up. Now I’m writing about it. Ha! The tedium. I really want to have a nap now.

But I know the value of order and discipline. My nature is that I don’t really have a driving desire to do anything. If I have my druthers, I would probably be singing Freddy Fender’s, wasted days and wasted nights. I’m one of those people who needs inspiration, challenges and goals. I seldom plan. I might be in a neater, if not better place if I did. It is never too late. That’s what they tell me. I’m inspired to go that route now.

My plan is to have a plan for the day. I’ve been operating on it for a few weeks now. I’m doing the obvious, the hardest and most hated stuff. What is difficult for me is cleaning up and putting stuff away in a timely as well as neatly fashion. When I was in Grade 1 in Hong Kong, one of our assignment was to get a note from our parents. The note was to identify what they thought our worse trait was. Well, my mother thought mine was paper clutter. I dropped them wherever. It was like a show and tell. I was reprimanded by my teacher – very severely I felt at the time.

Obviously, it hadn’t helped me. I am still that clutterbug. I’m changing my ways though. I’m working on the dishes. After washing and drying, I’m painstakingly putting them away where they belong or finding a better place for them. You’re wondering, What’s so painful about that? Well, for me it is! It feels like I’m going against the grain or my nature. It’s like torture. I wonder if I have some kind of disorder.

Things are getting a little easier though. You can see some surface on the dining room table and my desk. I’m ridding my junk mail (hard copies and emails) faster. I’ve lived many days feeling as if I have something needed doing but don’t know what. FINALLY that dreaded feeling is gone. I’m feeling more at ease.

Hmm. I’m feeling more alert and focused. It helps to identify my problem areas. It is nice to see progress. That is why I come here each day to tap on the keyboard. Some days I have great thoughts, exciting news and projects. Some days I am sad or angry. Then there are the doldrums. There is a lot of it in life. When they are taken away from you, that is the time when you see what treasures they really are. So I don’t mind them so much. They are restful. Maybe it is what mindfulness is – learning to sit and stay in the mundane and tedious until they are no longer so. Until you see what jewels they are.

 

CHOCOLATE AND MORE CHOCOLATE

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I really hate cleaning up after lunch. It takes hours. Feels like it anyhow. I’ve just done and finally sitting with my tea. It’s 2:30. Soon the dog will start up. I might just feed her early so I can sit in peace with yesterday’s leftover vegan avocado chocolate cake. It’s got all the icing left on it.

Yesterday, the guy and I decided to check out our new art gallery, the Remai Modern. We missed the Grand Opening when it was free admission. The thing was we forgot that the Santa Claus Parade was on. Who would have thought it would be in November? The main downtown core was blocked off. We could not access where we need to go. We had to drive around the perimeter to get back across to our side of the city to McNally Robinson’s Prairie Ink Restaurant.

When your plans are foiled, you might as well eat. It fixes everything. We outdid ourselves and OD’ed on chocolate. He had a chocolate something latte and Triple Chocolate Fantasy cake. I had a Double Mound latte with chocolate and coconut. I should have had the Key Lime Pie but somehow that didn’t sound right with a latte. I went for the vegan avocado chocolate cake. Well, it was vegan and avocado is a healthy fat. That was my reasoning.

Needless to say, it was all very rich and filling. We normally drink plain coffee and tea, never venturing into places like Starbucks or Tim Horton. In summer we do occasionally go to the Dairy Queen Store on 8th Street. We would indulge in a small hot chocolate fudge sundae each and watch the traffic. That’s our excitement for the evening. Sometimes we walked there with Sheba and share part of a cone.

Feeding Sheba early did little to appease her. After she ate, she wanted to play – with me. It was not enough that I dumped out all her toys for her. I had to give/toss her the rubber chicken to squeal. Otherwise she would just stand over it and bark and bark at me. Clearly she needs discipline and training. But she is 11 and I am about the same in my human years. It is too late for both of us.

The rest of my vegan cake is gone. It is very rich and enough to appease my après-lunch grumpiness. I think the chocolate fix will last me awhile. Sheba is giving me the eye. Time to walk! Now she is giving me the bark. We will have to go. Then all the musts on my list will be done and I will have walked off some of those chocolate calories. It is cold and windy. I will try not to short change her. We will go the whole 9 yards. But first I have to put my long johns, my hat, my wool scarf and my parka. Ready or not, want to or not, here we go! Oh yes, must not forget the doggy bags.

 

LIVE WISE

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Sheba was right on the money this morning. 6:05 am was when I felt her cold wet nose, followed by her little snort. It was still pitch black. But I love that part of the day when Preston Avenue was still asleep. No continuous ribbon of cars and only a few foot traffic.

I’m learning to leave my electronics asleep for awhile, indulging myself turning a few pages of written words. Once I start scrolling, one thing would lead to another. The minutes and then the hours would go by. My head and mind stirred and messed up with bad and/or useless information. Instead,  these mornings I am reading Stephen Jenkinson’s Die Wise, a Manifesto for Sanity and Soul. It is not an easy read. I can only do a few pages at a time. Now I might have to leave it for a few days.

He didn’t tell me anything that I did not know before. What it did was to take me right back to the workplace I have left 4 years ago. The scenes and talks were so familiar. I know he is coming from an authentic place. He has given a voice to those things and feelings that I’ve experienced and breathed for years but couldn’t articulate. I am grateful for that identification. It will help me ‘get over’ and heal from my ‘anxiety’ or ‘trauma’. The book is aptly named. It is a manifesto for sanity and soul. I believe that my anxiety was from the denial of all the feelings I’ve witnessed and experienced in the hallowed halls of the Hospital. But how else could I have carried on working without the denial?

These things were never talked about that I could remember. Yes, there was a Health Office but that was mostly where you report to after you’ve been off sick. It was like the Prinicpal’s Office. Most of the time I felt like a truant child, not deserving but abusing. Health care was for patients only. But then this was my experience. I don’t know about others. We don’t talk about it much. It was the same way with after retirement. I don’t hear about how others fare. I just hear about the travelling. That’s what I hear the most. Are you going to travel? I felt obligated to travel just because I am retired.

What happened to me was I fell apart. Or that’s what it felt like. Oh, I did some travelling. I was busy most if not all the time. I wasn’t just sitting around having a nervous breakdown.  I always took pride in being very functional, no matter what. No one probably knew I was having difficulties except maybe the person living with me. Sheba probably did. She had her own anxiety attacks. They were probably from me. She cushioned me by absorbing some of it. She is my best friend.

I am so lucky to have arrive in this space and time. I can now sit and stay with my feelings without jumping out of my skin. I can acknowledge the good, bad and the ugly. I can sit and read Die Wise – if only a few pages at a time.

SHEBA, THE HUMAN CANINE

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Sheba is not a fool proof dog. She has failed as an alarm on a few occasions, like this morning. She has an annoying habit of waking us up anytime around 6. She would nuzzle with her wet nose me, then him. If that doesn’t work, she would bark and bark till we can’t stand it anymore. I never worry about sleeping in. This morning our alarm didn’t go off till 7:30.

It’s not that we have a job to go to. It’s Saturday. I go swimming Saturday mornings when I can look forward to having a lane to myself at the pool. Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was 7:30. I suppose I could still get to there for 8. It’s a bit harsh to jump out of bed, get dressed, pack my stuff and dash to the car. So I fed the beast and put the kettle on. In the back of my mind I probably had a secret wish of sleeping in. Saturdays I am always torn between the love of the swim and nesting at home. The latter won today. I shelved the guilt and decided to enjoy.

The other time that Sheba flunked her dog alarm duty was this summer. We/our block had a break in. Our garages in the backyard were broken into. The doors were jimmied. The thieves made off with stuff. They even took a bike under the deck which was by our bedroom. The window was opened. Sheba never made a move or whimper. We were quite ignorant till after breakfast when the guy was taking Sheba for her walk. The garage door was wide open. Quite a few things were missing including his cordless drill which he had just purchased to replace the one stolen in his truck.

So nothing is fool proof including a dog who can hear me peeling a banana in a different room. She can see out the back of her head. She sees things happening in the front street when she’s in the back. Yet 2-3 thieves can sneak off with a recumbent tricycle right under her nose. I guess dogs do sleep in and sleep on the job.

I swear sometimes she is more human than canine. Did I tell you about the time she was wracked with anxiety? It was the most awful time. It started slowly. The first time she was humping her pillow. Suddenly she stopped and came running, squealing to me. She was like a child. Then it escalated from occasional bouts to all the time. She wouldn’t eat unless someone was sitting with her by her food bowl. Even then she was checking over her shoulders. She stopped playing with her toys. Then she wouldn’t sleep. She would be standing by our bed in the dark, panting. I tried sleeping with her on the floor but that didn’t work well either. It was time to see the vet.

She checked out physically. Then it was behavioral modification. We kicked her out of the bedroom. We listened to her whine through the closed door. I noticed that she had a lot of dandruff and was shedding a lot. I googled and googled. I started to give her Jamieson Wild Salmon and Fish Omega-3, 1000 mg./day. It took awhile for the dandruff and shedding to improve. Her anxiety was to the point of me ready to medicate her. She must have sensed it. She started sleeping at night. I held my breath. Things improved gradually. She started eating by herself and playing with her toys again. Now, she’s completely her old happy self.

 

NO WHOLE ENCHILADAS FOR ME

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Some things don’t change. Some people never do. I feel myself being triggered  by the same person, in the same way. I could feel the same ire rising in me. She’s still the same! I thought. The next thought was, I am, too! But that doesn’t mean that I have to be. I can change. I just have to pay more attention and not bite. I can go down a different street. I do not have to fall into that same hole in the sidewalk.

Change – it’s easier said than done. Some of our habits are so ingrained. The way we think, act, speak, respond are automatic. Things are out of our mouths and the deeds are done before we know what happened. Then we are sorry – till the next time. The question then is how do we make a change. How many times do we fall through the same hole before we choose a different route?

I’ve spent a year trying to do something different each day, even if that something is thinking differently. But then, that is the thing. It is all in the thinking.  They call it stinking thinking. After a year of trying to be different, I still need reminders, reviews. Life is tricky. There are many holes in the sidewalk. I am not there yet. But where is the there? Is there a there? Or is this a whole life process, like breathing? We have to keep at it, day after day. Life is a process. Sometimes I just hate these sayings. For once I like to say I have arrived. Ya da!

Ever the Google and research girl, I found B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits as the fastest and better way to change. I like the sound of no gimmick and tiny. I never found the whole enchilada very appealing except at a buffet. Then you really pay for it, both financially and physically. Life Hack has a comprehensive post on it.  It includes tiny habits for physical and mental health, for work productivity, better relationships, better community and environment. You can check it out and see for yourself.

I hear John Lennon singing This Is Christmas in my head the last few days. It is coming. I’ve made the decision to celebrate it without the gifting. I’ve had the conversation and it’s okay with the family. It will be a change after all these years. Do we really mean it’s really the spirit that counts and not the gifts? Can we celebrate without the buying? Maybe I can, but what about the others? The thoughts are going round and round my head. How am I going to celebrate Christmas this year? What can I do to make it meaningful, to lift my spirit?

Maybe making the decision of not gifting at Christmas is enough this year. I am then left with no running/driving around slippery streets and slopes. There will be just the occasion of Christmas, people, food and John Lennon’s So this is Christmas. How will you celebrate this Christmas?