About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME – Day 110 in a year of….

Posted on November 12, 2016 by hafong

Day 110, November 12, 2-16 @ 5:18 pm

When I come to this space or anywhere, I speak for myself, of myself only. It’s all about me. Sometimes I even have trouble knowing my true self, so how can I speak for or of anyone else? In the same vein, I can only change myself. I can only change the things I do not like about myself. I can’t do a darn thing about what I don’t like about other people, things and events. But changing myself can cause a chain of other changes. My aha moment of the moment.

The world was too much with/for me today. There wasn’t a thing I could do about it. I couldn’t change the brilliance of the sun. I couldn’t make people be quiet. I couldn’t….I couldn’t. So I went within myself, quieted my thoughts, slowed down my breathing and let go of the world. I listened to the voice of Jon Kabat-Zinn as he guided me through the body scan.

KNITTING UP LOOSE ENDS – day 109 in a year of…

Posted on November 11, 2016 by hafong

Day 109, November 11, 2016 @6:18 pm

Another gorgeous sunny November day after all the grey days in October. I have to be grateful. I am. I am just a little irritable and at loose ends. That’s what happens when you have a late evening and missing a few hours of early sleep. It’s a sign that I’m not a young pup any more. My body is not quite as flexible and forgiving. But the company and conversations were worth it.

I languished on my love seat, soaking up the sun. In the afternoon, I packed up Sheba and headed off to the dog park. Everybody and their dog did the same thing. Cars lined up and out. Dogs and their people galore. It was not a peaceful, joyous outing for me. I tried my best but packs of dogs and people make for trouble. I got the heck out of there after one loop around .

I was not brave today. I did not tackle another Pandora’s Box. I rested my nerves, gathering up odd balls of yarn I found yesterday. Why don’t I knit them up into a blanket? A voice in my head said. Knit one, purl one. The sound and rhythm of knitting needles would soothe and smooth me. All the odd balls would be knitted into one funky multi coloured blanket. Why had I not thought of it before? Let’s do it. Let’s knit life’s loose ends into a rainbow.

SITTING AND STAYING – day 108 in a year of…

Posted on November 10, 2016 by hafong

Day 108, November 10, 2016 @1007 pm

Another sunny morning. The sun rose again. I sit and observe, feeling all there is, not trying to understand or fix anything. Life is as it is. I am still in this spaciousness of now. I am grateful for this gift. I am grateful for this life.

The sun is filling me up with light and optimism. I am strong enough to enter the messiness of my life. I am able to feel all the ‘uglies’ I’ve been unwilling to face. I can sit and stay with the nausea, the revulsion rising up, the tremors, the chills and sweats of my body. They are sensations. Like everything else, they pass. I have chosen to do different. I accept the consequences. Doing the same had made me ill. Now I am healing myself.

I am opening one Pandora’s Box at a time. No scary Jack jumped out at me. I breathe a sigh of relief. What I found instead was the soft child in me. I rescued that child and held her once more in my heart space. I am my own mother.

HOLDING SPACE – DAY 107 in a year of…

Posted on November 9, 2016 by hafong

Day 107, November 9, 2016 @5:00 pm

It’s the day after THE election. I am sure I am not alone in asking: How could this happen? I found comfort and guidance in the words of Marianne Williamson and Barack Obama. No matter what happens, the sun will rise tomorrow. It’s another new dawn, another new beginning. It’s a truth to hang on to for me.

I have been a reactor since I’ve been born. I am sure I came out of my mother’s womb screaming like a banshee. Life has been hard as such. I take everything personally. It has been all about me until recently. But slowly I’ve been shedding the me, I and mine. I no longer am so surprised or shocked by anything and everything. I don’t try to figure out and fix everything. I am not THAT powerful. I accept what is.

I find such peace and serenity in the acceptance. Life is. The world is. I hold that space close to my heart. I am part of the universe along with everything. The boundaries, borders and skin colours fade. We all are. We all belong here – wherever here is.

RETURNING – day 106 in a year of….

Posted on November 8, 2016 by hafong

Day 106, November 8, 2016 @10:49 am

The morning is grey. I bring myself back to this space to dispel it. I’m returning to my journey of making changes in a conscious way. If I don’t, they will happen to me willy, nilly. Better to go into them with eyes wide open.

I sat with Timothea Goddard’s session of the Mindfulness Summit 2015 to review the 3 insights from practicing mindfulness and cultivating kindness.

Pain can’t be avoided.
Everything is impermanent.
The self – the me, I, mine is always changing and not permanent.

In short you can sum the insights up as life sucks, everything changes and don’t take anything personally. If I can really accept the first two and learn to live the third, life could be a lot easier. And it is. I have been practicing. Sometimes I have become distracted and wandered off. I’m learning to come back and come back more readily and often. I’m less inclined to throw up my hands and say, I CAN’T do it!

This morning I’ve returned to the task of clearing my work table in the basement. It was not hard. It was not easy. It felt unpleasant. I stood and felt my avoidance/nausea for a moment, not knowing where to start. Then I just plunged in, opening an envelope, a shoebox, taking out papers, shredding them, bagging them. I let the feelings be. I did not try to chase them away. Then an understanding of what they are/why they are came. It was okay. I was okay. It was like what Oprah calls peeling an onion. I’ve peeled the first layer, the beginning of an opening. It is enough. I will return tomorrow.

What box have you opened today?

THE BEAT GOES ON – day 105 in a year of..

Posted on November 7, 2016 by hafong

Day 105, November 7, 2016 @6:10 pm

The days are marching by, one by one. There’s sunshine. The flight of birds in the sky and the rustling of leaves in the breeze. Autumn in its finest. I must not tarry – lost in dreams. I must march along. The beat goes on. And so do I on this November day.

I have been distracted and wandered off. But I’ve come back. I am learning that it is our nature to be distracted, thinking a million thoughts at once. I’m learning to bring myself and my wandering mind back again and again. It will always be this way. And what an interesting and exciting way it is.

This morning as most every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, we were off to Val’s exercise class at the YWCA. I credit this class for clearing my brain fog and easing my anxiety. They are pretty good motives for me to return again and again. Val and the class are other reasons. They are so full of enthusiasm, energy and camaraderie. Today was a tabata workout. If you don’t know what it is, here’s a YouTube video. I believe our class is much harder workout!

The day is getting on. Supper is almost ready. I’m getting restless and distracted again. My writing is a bit sloppy and disjointed. I’m out of practice and concentration. I will end it here and come back tomorrow. The beat will go on. I have much to write about.

HELLO LIFE – Days 102 – 104 in a year of….

Posted on November 6, 2016 by hafong

Days 102 – 104, November 6, 2016 @5:59 pm

The days are rolling by. I’m falling behind in my writing and analyzing of my changes. The words and pictures are in me but the habit of putting off till later is still strong in me. Stronger than my will at present. I’m past my 100 days. I’m getting a clearer picture of how to proceed with my year. I’m claiming November as my own, to slow into sync with the season. It is time to get out of my head and live in real time.

I want November to rest and be with the physical, to feel the wind, rain and the ground beneath my feet. November is the month to nourish my body and mind for the winter. And so these last few days I have gone back to sit with a few of the mindfulness teachers from the Mindfulness Summit of October 2015. I’m learning and understanding my brain is nature’s brain. It is not my fault how it works but understanding its ways and being mindful can help me steer it in different directions.

Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is beautiful but it can get ugly. It is brittle and it is soft. However it comes, I will greet it as a welcomed guest. Hello life.

THE WHOLE PICTURE – Day 101 in a year of…

Posted on November 2, 2016 by hafong

Day 101, November 2, 2016 @2:22 pm

I’ve broken through the first 100 days of trying to doing/seeing things differently. I’m aiming for the next 100. Any breakthroughs/lightbulb moments? Yes and no. The first thing I realize is how habitual I am. I sit in the same chair. I drink from the same cup. I wear the same kind of clothes. I have attachments. I drive the same route. I go to the same exercise class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have the same routines. Habits and routines are not bad. In fact they are healthy, saving us time and energy.

Change is also healthy but it is hard. I discover that I do feel uncomfortable when I change where I sit, drinking out of a different cup. I feel the discomfort thinking about it before I even make the change. It sounds silly and I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it. I use the same locker at the YWCA every time I go. I’m quite put out if someone else claims it before me. So I’m also territorial! I will try for a different locker on Friday and get out of my comfort zone.

These 100 days have been a slow go, weary at times. Each day seem a drip into the bucket from a slow leaky tap. That’s what real life is like. It is real life. But at least I’m breaking out of the grey days of October. I’ve been whining, complaining and writing about it the whole month long. I’m hearing myself and I’m not proud. I’m making a turn though.

I’m seeing more of the whole picture now, not just the repetition of me, I and myself. I’m not the only one suffering and struggling. I’m just more vocal. And it’s okay. It’s how I find release. Some of us are more quiet than others. There’s promise of sunshine tomorrow into next week . Hallelujah! Praise the Lord.

To the next 100 days! May I flourish.

STARTING AGAIN WITH LESS – Day 99 and 100 in a year of…

Posted on November 1, 2016 by hafong

Day 99 and 100, November 1, 2016 @9:06 am

Surprising how busy and strapped for time I feel these days. When I get ***over with, I will do *-* is often in my thoughts. That time never comes. Something always fills that *** space. I’ve been feeling fatigued and stressed the last few weeks. My goal yesterday was to do less. I did not succeed.

Today is November 1st. October is over – an ending and a new beginning. I can try again to find that space of restfulness, of non striving, of doing one thing at a time. What better teachers to sit with than Melli O’Brien and Dan Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence? I’m learning not to feel the overwhelm. I’m reminded to take small steps. I’m appreciating the gift of sitting still with things as they are. The practice of coming back again and again to stillness, myself and what is important is worth the effort.

LIKE A BAG OF WORMS – day 98 in a year of…..

Posted on October 30, 2016 by hafong

Day 98, October 30, 2016 @8:17 am

The mornings are still dark at 7:30 but when I step outside, I see it is not total darkness. There is light reflected back from the white of the garage and the garden fence. Then there’s the Buddhas, sitting in prayer and contemplation under the spruce trees. How peaceful and stalwart they are through all the days and seasons.

They are good examples to emulate. I am not so peaceful. I’m testing my fortitude in this year of doing different. The thoughts in my head are like a bag of worms. They’re wiggling and squirming everywhere. I worry, fret, catastrophe, project, fear, so and on and on. On some dark mornings, I’m afraid to open my eyes and face the world. I’m nauseated by everything before my feet hit the floor. When I open my eyes, reality is not as bad as the stuff in my head.

I’m choosing to sit in meditation with Melli Obrien and Jack Kornfield this morning. I’m sitting to quiet my mind and open my heart. I’m learning to sit with the fear, the anxiety, the anger, the boredom and what have you(s). I’m getting to know them through sitting with them. I am not past the flight mode into stillness.

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