THE MILK TRAIN TO TOKYO

Posted on January 11, 2015 by hafong

It is Sunday and way late for Friday Fictioneers. It is still better late than never. We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple. It is cold here in Saskatchewan and it must be freezing the creative flow. I loved the show Route 66 with George MaHaris and Martin Milner. The prompt reminds me of my road/train trip in Japan.

PHOTO PROMPT – © Copyright Jean L. Hay

She should have taken the Bullet train. Instead she’s on the overnight train to Tokyo. She thought it would be romantic. So here she was on the top bunk with barely enough room to sit up without hitting her head. The air was so stuffy!

Thank God they had extra compartments! For $50 extra she got herself moved. She looked around the small compartment. At least there’s room to breathe and she could stand up. The room came with a 7-minute shower card and she got to use the American toilet instead of the squat. Nothing romantic about squatting in pantyhose. Whew!

KEEPING WARM, STAYING SANE

Posted on January 10, 2015 by hafong

Another cold Saskatchewan winter morning but the sun is up and at it. I have to smile and be grateful for every little bit of sunshine. January is not an easy time for a writing challenge, or any challenge. Coping with the cold, snow and layers of clothing is taking a heavy toll. Perhaps I should stop thinking and talking this way. I am adding more weight to the burden.

It is not easy to be positive in these times. Yesterday driving home from the dog park and the library, I listened to the news of the shootings in Paris. Locally a 19 year old man had died from a drug overdose. He had taken a fake version of OxyContin. The deaths from both cases seemed senseless to me. It is best not to try too hard to understand it. The times are in turmoil and we are all in it, trying to find our way and doing the best we can. We are all experiencing our difficulties.

My words not coming easily, I gave up. I followed Sheba’s example and stretched out on the love seat with a book. I watched the sunlight dance on the wall. If I can’t write, I can always read. The book is a good choice and a very good read – Touch by Alexi Zentner. It is a novel about the woods, an Anglican priest and the Canadian winter.

The afternoon is almost over. The sun has set. I have found a few words after all. My roomba has done a fine job with the floor today. Life is more pleasant and easier without Sheba’s hair everywhere. We even went for a walk in the cold – me bundled up and Sheba in her fur. All is well.

A WINTER’S DAY

Posted on January 8, 2015 by hafong

I am finished playing with my Roomba for today. The floors are relatively clean but robots are still not as efficient as a human being. Aren’t you glad? We are not dispensable after all. Granted, it is my first day with my little friend so I am not proficient or efficient with it. It is a little time consuming getting acquainted with its parts, learning to operate it and cleaning it. I am liking it even though it left some of Sheba’s hair here and there. We will be better tomorrow.

At long last I am able to sit here, sip my tea and tap out some words. I am pooped! It’s been a long and cold day. It has made walking Sheba an arduous task, fighting the biting wind and trudging on the hard-packed snow. I’m feeling exhausted from hunching my shoulders so much. I will have to hit the swimming pool tomorrow. The warm water helps to relax my neck and shoulder muscles.

Supper is done, the dishes, pots and pans washed and put away. The bread is still cooling on the rack. I have made my usual 6 loaves. No wonder I am tired! Yesterday, I baked 3 dozen cookies and a dozen muffins – late Christmas offerings. I think I’m done with the baking for awhile. It’s the cleaning up that gets me. By next week I will have forgotten about it, and be ready to start all over again. There’s something about a winter’s day, kneading dough and the smell of baking bread. It soothes and nourishes me. It makes me feel content. What works for you?

THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE

Posted on January 7, 2015 by hafong

I believe that when we are hit with an ‘aha’ moment we should give it due respect and pay attention.

The other day my mother phoned. Could I make a doctor’s appointment for her. My father had tried a couple of times but got a recording that says that you have to do it online. I found it peculiar since not everyone, especially seniors have computers or have the know hows. I phoned and the recording does say you have the option of making appointments online but if you press 0 or just hang on, you can speak to the receptionist.

I felt a bubble of irritation starting up at my father. How could he not understand that since he got the online part? In the same moment, I saw the flashing STOP sign in my head, telling me that this is how my father has been for many, many years. Though he came to Canada as a young man in his early 20’s, he does not know the English language well at all. He had made no provision for my mother to learn.

Sometimes I think he knows more than he lets on. But he rather have somebody else do all these things so he doesn’t. I have been the interpreter, making and taking them to appointments since I was about 9 years old. It has made me feel responsible for their health, happiness and total being. No one can be responsible for somebody else’s all. I have felt guilt and anger.

What are the chances that he would change now at 83? None. So why waste my energy getting angry and then feel like a very bad person/daughter? I squashed that ugly bubble and made the appointment. I told my mother how they can get through to the receptionist the next time. I’m feeling grateful that he is still able to drive and be independent otherwise. I am grateful that there are Chinese physicians here so that they can see their doctor on their own most of the time. I am grateful that I can help my parents to be as independent as they are able to.

I am fortunate that I finally recognize that there are the things I can’t change. I can now stop fretting, stressing, fuming, insisting that yes, things can change. Some things cannot. I can stop getting, being and staying in anger. Having seen the light/stop sign, I can ease up, let go a bit and move on. There will be, of course, days when I will fall back on old ways. I will get righteous and indignant, insisting that other person change and behave the way I want. I hope those occasions will come less and less. Let there be patience and love.

WHAT IS

Posted on January 6, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 6th day of the new year. Can I say I am weary and Sheba is getting on my one nerve that is left? She is the neediest dog ever, wanting to be stroked, cuddled and held 24/7, always nudging, cajoling. Come on, come on!

Enough already, Sheba! I’m trying to write. Her hair is everywhere – stairs, living room, kitchen, on my keyboard. What we put up with for our critters. I hope my Roomba comes this week. The severe weather has delayed its delivery. I am seriously disappointed that it didn’t come today.

But life goes on and so does the cold. It is still just January. I better readjust my attitude and hold on. There is still a lot more to come. At least there’s sunshine and I have a warm home. The fireplace is working. The larder is full and the wine is fermenting. What more can I ask for?

Okay, a cold wind is blowing but Mr. sun is still shining and the snow ever so white and clean. The garden isn’t blooming but all the beauty and the potential is there. Soon it will be time to order the seeds for planting. For now just sit back, relax and appreciate what is.

BEGIN THE BEGUILE

Posted on January 4, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 4th day of 2015 and it is bitterly cold. I am depleted of energy, ambition and creativity. The cold has sapped me of all, though Sheba and I went around the neighbourhood in – 36 degrees C. Perhaps I overdid it yesterday with the swimming and then a long trek in the dog park. It wasn’t as cold then, but my phone and camera both died simultaneously.

I’m trying to find some oomph. I thought I could bake myself out of this slump. I bought out my baking sheets. Then I put them back. I’m sitting here at the keyboard. My fingers are stiff and achy with the weather. I’m pushing myself. Just begin! I scold myself. Type one word, any word and the rest will come. Does that sound familiar to you? It does work, once you start and make a commitment. Funny how that works.

I went to Nova Scotia once to meet a group of email friends I met on the internet. We were from various locations in Canada and the United States. It started out as a whim, just wishful thinking. I ~~was not~~ am not adventuresome nor brave especially in the travel alone department. But somehow I went alone to meet these people. I had a car rented. I don’t drive well direction-wise either. With a car rented, I couldn’t just sit at the airport for a week, could I? I had to begin.

I did get lost once or twice. Most likely it was more often. But I managed to meet up with my friends and spent a few days of good times in Halifax and thereabouts. Then I went on solo to Prince Edward Island, the home of Anne of Green Gables. I was so thrilled driving over the Confederation Bridge, all alone, by myself – the woman who still gets lost in her home city of Saskatoon! And there I was – in Charlottetown. I had someone snap this picture just to prove to myself that I was there.

Had I not made a start back in 2002, had I just dismissed the idea that I couldn’t – act on a whim, I would not have met all the wonderful people who are still my friends today. We have lost two of these friends. I would not have all these warm memories and pictures to rouse me out of my malaise to begin anything on this cold winter day.

STILLNESS

Posted on January 3, 2015 by hafong

I see life in words and pictures. And if I was to choose a word for 2015, it would be STILLNESS. I see the beauty of it right before my eyes – so brilliant and still. It awaits me, telling me I can do it. It is within reach if I wish. All I have to do is nothing.

I have not been good at stillness, at doing nothing. Even at rest, my hands betray me with their tapping, their fluttering. My thoughts run away every chance they get. My mind is not a restful place.

With no more STATS or Code Blues to run to, no call bells to answer, no one’s call of nature to take care of except my own, is it any wonder that I’ve been a little more quirky and unsettled the past year? I have been like a runaway train on a roller coaster, careening out of control. There is no one to save except myself.

STILLNESS is a good word for me. It stills the flutter in my heart, quiets the voice in my head. You are not so powerful, it whispers. You can’t fix everything. I glide smoothly into the warmth of the water and it is totally silent. I’m blowing bubbles through my nose and mouth. I have no room for thoughts as I lift my arm up and roll my face out of the water to breathe. I roll my face back, blowing bubbles and lift my other arm. I follow the black line at the bottom of the pool. Lift, roll, breathe, roll, lift over and over the length of the pool.

I am suspended from thoughts, held in the moment, breathing and living in stillness. It is stillness and silence that I want for 2015. Let me just be for then, perhaps I can see clearly and hear the call of my heart. I have time to be still. There is no fire, no one to rescue. There is just me for now.

SILENCE, SPACE, SURRENDER

Posted on January 2, 2015 by hafong

I am finding the truth about truisms. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Knowing that, I have no resolutions for the new year. No point in adding another failure onto the New Year’s Resolutions list. Instead, I am working through Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead. I am trying some of her magic.

The last couple of days, I had been on working on the question of what was my favourite moment, day or occasion of 2014. It took some time before I knew the answer. I felt knowing what nourishes me was important. Other times, if I couldn’t find the answer at a snap of my fingers or the time to hit the ENTER key, I would have given up. I wonder how many of you are like me.

My favourite occasion in 2014 is the time we spent in Arizona. What I love about the desert is the silence, the sky and the open spaces where cacti and sage grew and the desert flowers bloomed.

In the arid barrenness, the thorns and messiness of every day life fell away. There was room to breathe. There was space to grow and expand. There was time. In the desert, I let go of what was not me. We were in a foreign land where God was the only one I knew. I surrendered, dropping my mask and defences – if only to myself.

I was free to wander through the landscape of the unknown and untried. I did not know I could cycle up and down the hilly streets of Lake Havasu and live to tell about it. I shifted gears, huffed and puffed, pedalling up the steep hills. I heard the air whistled in my ears as I coasted down the other side, hanging on to the handlebars for dear life. I felt petrified and exhilarated.

I baked bread in the desert, listened to the birds in the morning and swam in the afternoon. The sunsets were glorious and picture book perfect. The moon and stars looked down on me in the evening as I sat by the fire. Peace and silence echoed all around me. In the desert I surrendered and bloomed. At last I felt a sense of me.

DIGGING DEEP – FITS AND STARTS

Posted on January 1, 2015 by hafong

It’s December 31, the last day of the year. I am still working on Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead. I’m doing it in fits and starts. I’m unsettled and restless. It’s difficult to unravel the past year, to take inventory, to face the numbers.

Was it a good year? Did the good outweight the bad?
Was I happy?
Did I make any progress?

The hardest question to answer was this one:

Describe your favourite day, moment or occasion of 2014 in words and pictures. What did it taste like? Smell like? Sound like? Who was (or wasn’t) there? Where were you? What were you doing? What was awesome about it? And most importantly, how did you FEEL?

It’s not easy to answer when you don’t know yourself at all. I’ve spent most of my life being for other people. It’s not anyone else’s fault except for my own unconsciousness. Do you know that it is much easier to be there for others than for yourself? I had not known this till this very minute as the words fall from my fingertips. It’s a funny thing, right? Why? Who knows. Maybe it is that vulnerability thing that Brene Brown talks about.

I never saw myself. It’s no wonder that it’s difficult to know my favourite moment or occasion of 2014. I had to put aside my lazy bone and dig deep and do the work. Nothing came for a day or two. But today, I’m remembering and feeling. Lake Havasu in February was pretty damn nice. The arid landscape and desert air proved to be wonderful for body and spirit.

*****

It’s January 1, 2015. Looking within myself is hard work as you can tell. I had abandoned my post yesterday, interrupted by New Year’s Eve. It was hard to dig underneath the surface to unearth the layers beneath. What was it that I loved about Arizona? Perhaps I should leave it for another day.

In the meantime, I realize last night is another favourite and last moment of 2014. I am so happy that I made the effort to make it happen. What better way to bring in the new year than with champaign from France and with people you love? The pop of the cork. the lovely bubbles tumbling from bottle into glasses, filled me with memories of love and families.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Monthly Archives: January 2015