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JUNE – metamorphosis 4

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I’m having one of those sleepy days. It’s torture just getting the lunch dishes done. I’m glad that since retirement, I’ve morphed from a night owl into a lark. I’m up early, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I like to get stuff done and out of the way. That way, if I crash later, like today, the whole day is not wasted. So, this morning I’ve washed and frozen the picked haskaps and strawberries. I’ve also filled the 3 raised garden beds in the front yard with water from our rain catchment. While they were getting filled, I delt with some of those aggressive creeping blue bells. The end of them is within sight. It might take another year or 2 to rid half the front yard of them. I’m learning a different kind of patience.

* *******

It’s taking me a long time to come back to finish this post I started on the 17th. Now June is almost over. July and the Ultimate Blog Challenge is only 3 sleeps away. My metamorphosis has been hindered and halted by procrastination. Finding time and energy for thoughts and words is not easy during gardening season. When thoughts, words and such are tough, I head out to weed, water and plant. There’s an endless supply of weeds. I never run out. Weeding is in a way, mindless though my mind is always full of thoughts. Though I have had a few illuminating thoughts while weeding, they’ve never turn into words and sentences. Perhaps I should jot them down as they hit me.

I’m not disappointed in June nor myself though. I’ve hit some peaks as well as some valleys. My garden spaces all have done well. The greenhouse had slowed but now it is soaring again. I have a few cucumbers and bittermelons fruiting. They and the Sweet One Million Tomato are supporting and holding each other up. It would be nice if we human beings could do the same. Seeing how productive this symbiotic relationship is, I try a littel harder to be supportive rather than contrary.

Though the weather has been erratic and unsettling, the yard and garden spaces have never looked so beautiful. I am proud of my efforts and hard work.

I’m almost out of words and thoughts. Though I’ve only shown up for these almost a handful of times, June has been a successful month of metamorphosis. I have somehow changed a little for the better. And I am still evolving. More to come in July.

JUNE – metamorphosis 3

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My finest hours are the early first ones in the morning. After I have my morning tea, I like to wander out into the yard, stretch my mind and body. I can call it my working garden meditation. This morning I wanted to check our haskaps. Sometimes the birds find their way in under the netting. So far they haven’t gotten tangled in it but I could hear them flapping, trying to get out. No birds this morning. I got a 1 gram honey container full of purple fruit. I have another container full from the other day. I shall clean and freeze them till I figure out what to do with them. Sometimes I wait too long to do things and they end up spoiling and wasted. So learning to move along timely is part of my June metamorphosis journey.

Harvesting, cleaning and storing our produce are important. Equally important is using them. I’ve been harvesting our rhubarb, washing, chopping and freezing them in their prime. I’ve done so in the past, but they sat in the freezer and ended up in the compost after a couple of years. This winter, someone will be making rhubarb wine. I might have to nag a little. I’m waiting till I get enough strawberries from our patch to make a rhubarb strawberry cobbler. I’m learning to plan a little instead of always flying by the seat of my pants.

I’m enjoying my second cup of tea. I hope I don’t fall back into my old habits of too much again. Me thinks I worry too much sometimes. It’s good to let go, pamper and treat oneself once in awhile. The other evening, I took the birthday boy out for supper. It is not an easy thing for me to celebrate anything or go to an unaccustomed restaurant. I sucked it up bit back my uncomfortable feelings and proceeded full speed ahead. It’s a curious thing but I used to get intimidated by hairdressers and waiters/waitresses in fancy places. They seemed sophisticated and me so country bumpkinish. But I decided I had enough of that and let it all go. Afterall I’ve been breathing and walking this earth a few years now. I’m feeling pretty sophisticated myself. I let go and had a blast. Even though it was not my birthday, I celebrated it as my own birth out of the cocoon.

You just know that it’s going to be a high priced ticket when a hostess escorts you to a table, followed by a waitress, each with a long welcoming speeches. I understood the game. It was quite enjoyable even before we had any wine. We had 4 free tasters so that we could choose the one we love. Somehow instead of having just a glass each, I got talked into ordering a bottle. I was gamed. I think that was already on my mind as we first stepped into the restaurant. You know when there are so many layers of servers, a big tip is expected. It reminded me of the how many people does it take to turn on the light bulb joke. The waitress took our orders but she did not bring the tasters nor the food. She bought the bottle of wine and dessert and a different person bought the tasters and food. It was all very good fun. We wined and dined. I broke out of my serious mold, if only for one evening. I figured if we’re incapable of driving home, we could rent a room upstairs. It was in a hotel. But we were good to go. Needless to say, I gave a good tip.

JUNE – metamorphosis 2

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June has been hot with thunderstorms. My metamorphosis has been a very slow process. Rather turning into a beautiful butterfly, I feel more like a slug or snail. Neither one is very attractive but they are appealing to me today. I like their speed. Maybe their lack of is a better term. I prefer the snail because it can crawl into its shell to get away from it all. That’s what I like to and shall do today – crawl into my shell to get a good rest.

I’ve developed some skill now through my sitting meditations with Mark Williams to close my eyes and let the outer world and all the sights and sounds all away. I can let my thoughts and emotions dissolve into nothingness. I’ve only discovered this ability yesterday, sitting in the quiet late evening heat. The A/C is turned off. The windows are wide opened with a bit of breeze drifting in. The sweat is still seeping into my eyes. I sit and breathe, in and out. I feel my heartbeat slowing down, thoughts and feelings leaving and my body relaxing. I understood at that moment what is meant by a no mind, no body.

June has been hotter and harder than I had anticipated. I can’t remember how long ago I had written the above. Now, almost in the middle of June, I’ve come back to finish what I had started. I hope I can finish. Finishing anything is the hardest task for me. I feel much like a bear at the moment – slow and sluggish. I would rather hibernate through the summer and emerge in the fall. I wonder if there’s a cool log nearby that I can crawl into. There goes my dream of turning into a beautiful butterfly. I should not give up hope yet. Summer is long and a silken cocoon sounds like a cool soft bed to loll, dream and spin magic in.

One thing that has been easy and fun in June is the DYICAD – Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. It’s making tiny art on an index card daily. I have chosen the word prompt route and using pen and watercolour as my medium. It continues till July 31st. I will have 61 cards of art at the end. It does spark creativity besides fun. It’s good for my brain and heart. Here is a sampling of my favourites this year so far.

polka dots
espresso
wildflowers
treble clef
butterfly
moonlight

JUNE – metamorphosis

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When I think of June, the Monarch butterfly pops into my mind’s eye. I wonder if that’s when they get back to Canada from Mexico. Upon googling them, I learn that it takes 4 generations for them to get back. Meaning the ones that left are not the same ones that came back. Their life cycle and metamorphosis are fascinating.

I am considering using the month of June as a time to go through my own metamorphosis. I am not satisfied nor content with my present self. It make no sense in staying in an undesirable state. So slowly I have begun to observe all of myself and life critically without judgement. It’s not like me to be silent and non reactionary but I think it is necessary for me to be so in this process. It’s going to be very difficult, no doubt about that. I’m game though. Wish me lots of luck.

I’m at the chrysalis stage. I’ve been studying, gathering and preparing a long time. I have a lot of knowledge and tools, so far not put to use. So I’m still locked in my cocoon, waiting.

The time has come like the Walrus said,

      To talk of many things:

Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —

      Of cabbages — and kings —

And why the sea is boiling hot —

      And whether pigs have wings.’

MAY MOMENTS – thoughts and reflections

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There’s not much of May left. I thought I better make time for some thoughts and reflections. My heart and mind are not co-operating. They are not peaceful or restful. Hurry up, hurry up is reverberating through my head. This heart of mine is on a fast beat. I feel restless and unsettled. I did the 18 movements of my Quigong routine to soothe it. Perhaps I should have drank chamomile instead of ginseng tea. Ginseng seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it would give me more energy and concentration and I do have a lot of ginseng.

No matter. I need to get on with the program. The rhythmic tapping of the keyboard seems to be helping. It’s like acupressure for my fingertips. Do whatever works is my motto. The simpler the better. And don’t overthink everything. I am good at thinking up solutions but it’s another to follow through. Isn’t that true for most of us? We know what we’re suppose to be doing for our own good and the good of others and the world. Knowing and doing are two different things. I’m working on bringing the two together.

It’s no easy task. And today it is especially difficult as my brain is all over the place. It is hard to focus, to pay attention to the now. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t try, put in an effort and get some results. It’s much like trying to rid of those troublesome bluebells that’s overtaken my front yard. Last summer I spent hard labour covering them over with newspaper and cardboard and mulching them with grass clippings and sawdust. After the recent rain, their roots have crept through any cracks and holes and my nicely mulched area is dotted with their green leaves. I felt very defeated and overwhelmed but not enough to let my hard work go to naught. I spent an hour peeling back the covers and pulling them out by the roots. That’s what I would have to do – be regular and persistent.

The day is overcast. I’m feeling the clouds and pessimism. I can’t help it and don’t fight it. Feelings are real and not real. I can still move and do no matter my emotion. I’m exhausted but not frozen in. I can still breathe. I’m not thinking very well at the moment but I’ve made a list of solutions for a problem. I’m craving for something sweet. It feels like an impossible task but I think I will hoist myself up and make some muffins.

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I survived yesterday. I was able to hoist myself upright and made those muffins. What felt impossible was possible when I decided to start – one step at a time until the task was done. I did not think the whole picture – how many steps and how much time was involved. I surprised myself with success – 17 pumpkin muffins and everything cleaned up after. I even made soya sauce chicken in the Instant Pot for supper. It felt good to overcome my mental and physical fatigue. I will store that feeling of success for future use.

It is 7:30 on a Sunday evening. The day has been mostly cloudy with short spurts of sun. I’m not quite as exhausted as yesterday. I had a good rest having succumbed to sleep before 10 pm. I should not doubt myself or feel so defective because I am so sensitive to the weather. It is a very real physical thing. It is ok not to be on top of the world all the time. Last night it felt so delicious to hit the bed, close my eyes and sleep.


MAY MOMENTS – howling myself home

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Finding peace in a restless world is like wishing for the moon. I’m like the wolf baying at the moon. But I’m learning that it’s a myth that wolves howl at the moon. The howling is not directed at the moon. It is used as a social rally call, a hail to hunt or as a territorial expression. They have different howls that can be heard by other wolves 6-7 mile away. A howl can help a lost wolf find its way home. I like that idea. I have to practice my howling. It might help get me home. I do feel lost in these times.

I never thought I would be in this spot. I’m sure there’s a lot of us here but all the same, it is a lonely place. I’m afraid to speak of it. I’m afraid to even think of it – that I might be coming unhinged. And so we sit, alone or together like stone statues gazing unseeingly into space. Howling feels like a better alternative. And so I am here again, at my keyboard. I’m letting my fingers do the baying. It’s a little less obtrusive and more soothing to my already irritated nerves.

Yesterday while I was picking up my prescription, I walked through the mall. I thought I should get re-acquainted with it and life in general after 3 years of Covid. I had deceived myself that the 3 years had not affected me much. After all, my life style was not that much different before Covid. Even so, life after feels greatly changed on the inside. That counts even more. I feel that in the energies of others strolling through/shopping in the mall. I feel the slowness/heaviness, the acceptance of our new reality.

It is a cool 10℃ morning after a blistering hot 31℃ day of yesterday. It is windy. The sky is more cleared of smoke from Alberta’s forest fires. But the air is still thick with the smell. It’s difficult to feel up and optimistic about our world. It’s on fire and it seems we’re still sleeping through it. I hope I’m wrong.

MAY MOMENTS – writing through it all

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I’m not overly fond of summer heat. Not that it is summer yet. It’s only May 15th. The official date for summer is June 21, over a month away. But we have the heat. The house is warm. There’s beads of perspiration on my forehead and lips. And I feel like the shits. The day started out fine. I was mostly my normal self. I was getting up, dressing up and showing up and doing my stuff. Things haven’t been easy but I was handling it. Look – it isn’t even the 21st of May. The greenhouse is in full production, the 6 raised beds are planted and the home garden is mostly planted. I would call that handling it, wouldn’t you?

So what the hell happened? Did I finally lose it? All I know is I feel bad – sometimes after lunch. In the past, writing has been my tool of investigation and soothing. I could write through anything and everything. Now I’m not so sure. I’ve lost the rhythm. The words have lost their magic. It’s still worth a try to get it back. Not doing anything is not good for me. At least I’ll be moving. Fingers count. I’m tapping it out with no outside interference. No one knows my ‘bad’. They don’t know what it is like. I hate advice like: Did you remember to take your Prozac? Be happy. As if I wouldn’t if I could.

I’ve decided not to fight my feelings/moods too much. There must be a reason that they’re pestering me. All things do passed. That much I have learned. And there are things that we must accept and endure. It is also true that I can run but there’s no place to hide. I might as well stay and face the music. Knowing that also brings a bit of ease. A bit is all I need. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel.

MAY MOMENTS – In The Garden

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No matter the kind of day, I like to start it with a visit to the greenhouse and a walk around the garden and yard. It’s gets me off on the right foot. And if I trip and fall during the day, it softens the landing. I’ve been stumbling and tripping more lately. This is a difficult leg of the journey of life. I’m trying to prepare, strengthen and wise up a bit.


The garden is a good place to start according to this article from the Saskatchewan Blue Cross. I heartedly agree. The garden is never a sure thing. There are so many variables – the weather, pests, diseases and other things. They all try a gardener’s patience. You learn to roll with it all, learning acceptance and that you do not call all the shots. When something works and I have more salad greens than you can eat, I get such a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. The garden is my place to go to when I want to quiet my busy, buzzing mind. When I weed the garden beds, I’m also weeding my mind. It’s peaceful restoring order within and without.


I don’t feel guilty when I don’t go to my exercise class because I’m mucking in the soil. I’m moving all my body parts. I’m restoring my equilibrium. Sometimes it is good to be with just myself in the garden. There’s always a host of feathered friends close by.

MAY MOMENTS – FEELING GOOD INSIDE OUT

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A cloudy windy day after a short burst of morning sunshine. I am happy to be out and about in the greenhouse and garden early this morning. Moving my body and getting things done is good therapy for a restless body and mind. I think I fell into a deep dark well of despair and helplessness the other day. Life is full of surprises. So many quirks, obstacles and unplanned detours. I thought I had a good grasp of the threads of life. But you know what they say about the best laid plans. They crumble into many pieces. I grieve for all past losses and the ones yet to come.

The grief I felt was so deep and emcompassing because in those moments I saw the truth of what is really important in our lives. I grieve because I saw the mistakes I/all of us have made and still making. I wonder why we couldn’t have/still can’t do better. Why are we so damn human? The knowing is such a deep pain with nowhere to go. I felt breathless with it. I could feel myself curling into fetal position in my mind’s eye. I did not want to be so physically and mentally locked in by my thoughts and emotions. So I started moving, just moving, doing my mobility routine and stretches.

You wouldn’t think that it would be much help. It wasn’t at first except to relieve some of the muscle tension caused by holding myself in so tight. Movement begats movement and I went on to bigger ones. It’s surprising how much I got done once I started moving. Yesterday I gathered some of my old shoes that was hanging around a long time but not worn. They’re in a garbage bag along with some other similiar items. I’m weeding my physical space, pulling out the obnoxious and clearing space so I can breathe. Feeling good from the inside out. What is outside is also on the inside.

I’m feeling better today despite the wind and clouds. But I have to wonder whether the weather change had precipitated and increased my moodiness. I have always felt I’m super sensitive to the weather. But then I also wonder if I’m using it as an excuse for my shortcomings. I should have more faith and trust in myself. I do have that sensitivity. It is not a bad thing. I suffer some but I also gain some insight from these occasions. What I’ve learned this time is that ruminating thoughts are the worse thing. Being able to stop them is the best. The best tool for that is movement.

MAY MOMENTS

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It’s the jolly month of May. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. Everything is greening. Yet instead of jolly, I feel the beginning of a moody blue, a sense of foreboding, a dull ache behind my eyes. I like to close my eyes and dive into bed and hide beneath the covers. But I do not. My head is filled with swirling debris of useless thoughts going nowhere.

Unable to clear and dust my inner space, I started to do so to my outer world. I gathered up my ski pants, mitts, gloves, scarves, hats and headband. They’re washed and hanging up to dry and another load of various items are swirling in the washer. The kitchen floor is swept. The makings of a stirfry are prepped, waiting for me to throw them into the frying pan. I’m sipping a cuppa decaf. I crave a cuppa of anything when thus. I’m trying to stay on the narrow low caffeine path. I might stray today.


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I did not stray too badly yesterday, having only an extra cup of decaf. I can rationalize that I’ve earned it, having taken my 90 plus mother for another medical appointment. It seems we’ve travelled a long and rocky medical path. Now we are on the last stage. I should be grateful that it is a much smoother and pleasant experience. I am and yet I can’t help but wondered why it wasn’t so before. I thought I had reconciled that I/we did the best I could. And whatever happened, I/we did alright. My mother will be turning 92 this July. She and my father are still living in their house on their own with minimal help from us.

I should have stayed with those thoughts but I’m not always in control. Bad thoughts and questions filtered through. Could I have done better as an advocate for my mother? Why didn’t I insist on this and that? Why didn’t I do this or that? If I had, maybe their health would be better today. So those thoughts go round and round inside. They immobilized my being. I’ve felt responsible for my parents’ lives most of my life. That’s what happened when I’m an immigrant child of immigrant parents. They do not understand or speak English well. I’m been their appointment taker and translator. It’s hard to be objective and not feel guilt.

So this is where I’m at in this jolly month of May. It’s 6:30 in my morning. I’ve been up since 5:15, unable to sleep more despite a little sleep aid last night. I’ve had my cuppa Orange Pekoe. I do want another but I’ll try a dandelion tea instead. I’m making a concerted effort not to let my strong emotions control me. I can. I can. The sun is beaming in agreement. I’ve tapped out my stored stagnant energy. I can breathe and move again to live another day.