I AM

Posted on January 15, 2018 by hafong

A very cold start to the day. The door knob to the back door was frozen. It wouldn’t turn. Lucky we had electricity for the hairdryer to thaw it out. A few weeks ago, the lock was frozen. The key wouldn’t turn. Lucky the front door wasn’t that way, too. Sheba and I would be shit out of luck and be left in the cold after our walk. Oh yes, I forget. There’s the garage. It has an electric space heater. We have options.

I should not be so hard on myself for my moodiness. Nature can be a cruel mood leveler. I found out that I wasn’t the only one that skipped out on aerobics Friday. Only 4 people showed. I did showed up today as well as our instructor. What a gal! She just had carpal tunnel surgery this morning, too. That’s way beyond the call of dedication and duty. But it was good for me. I needed someone to pump me up. And just her presence can do it.

I wasn’t really quite with the program. I certainly was not on fire. But I moved and did worked up a sweat. I felt my lethargy changed. My mood moved up a notch. Then I sensed a feeling of empowerment flowing through my being. Somewhere in my brain, a speck of cognition got lit. I felt lighter. Some of the heaviness lifted. I can really move my body. I picked up my feet and threw my arms up in the air. I recognized my depression comes from feeling helplessn, a sense of powerlessness, of no control.

But I did not feel powerless in that moment. I was in charge. I was running, pumping my arms and breathing easy. I do have control. I have choices of how to be. I do not have to be weak and maudlin. Neither do I have to be bossy, mean or unkind. I do not have to be depressed or sad. I can choose. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

STEPPING UP TO ELECTRIC AVENUE

Posted on January 10, 2018 by hafong

It’s that magic hour again. I’m sitting down with my decaf. I see the smoke coming out of my neighbour’s chimney. It’s turned cold again. -23 C this hour. I’m feeling better. I’m always surprised that my aches and pain are aggravated when the temperature turns warmer in the winter. I feel the best in the cold, cold sunny days of January. I’m Asian for crying out loud! I must have acclimatized to the cold after all the years here. Maybe I’m related to the Eskimos. I jest but did some quick Google search. Found some interesting articles but no definitive answer.

It doesn’t really matter, interesting or not. So easy to get sidetrack with Ms. Google. I’ve already wasted time looking up Electric Avenue on YouTube. It’s been playing in my head since my Step Aerobics class this morning. It’s such a catchy upbeat tune. Just what I need to step it up in these dangerous winter bluesy time. It’s very effective. I’m rocking my way to Electric Ave. And then taking it higher.

The cold works, too. Sheba and I were rocking down the backalleys, stepping smartly. Now we’re back. Feels like such a treat sitting here in warmth, tapping. I will put the kettle on and hope there’s 2 cookies left in the jar. I don’t believe in cutting back treats in the winter. I need those carbs for energy and boost my feel good levels. I don’t believe in making New Year’s Resolutions either. It is the wrong time of year – at least here in North America. For us, it is the season of cold weather and cabin fever. It is the time of short daylight. Those two factors already set us up for failure. If you have other problems, there is no hope at all for succeeding. I know. I’m talking negative. It is winter. See what I mean?

Yesterday I talked about working on organizing to maximize my productivity. Moving Sheba’s afternoon walk to when she starts fussing works for both of us. The walk has to be done. She gets it out of her system. I have more peace and quiet to work at whatever. I am learning to paint my index card art in batches. Yesterday, I rescued and reworked a disappointment for today. When I have moments when I am not/can’t do much, I start another index card. That way I have a small steady stream of cards in the works. I am trying to clean up/put away all my work spaces a little at a time.

And now I have to sum/pack up here. Next in the schedule after my tea and cookies are bills and those pesky census forms – if I can find them. I might have to wait till they send a reminder. Or am I mistaken? It feels like the wrong time of year for them.

A HARD WEEK – Day 168 – 174 in a year of…

Posted on January 16, 2017 by hafong

Day 168 – 174, January 16, 2017 @4:59pm

A week have gone by since I’ve been here. I haven’t abandoned ship. I’m still with the program. January has been HARD. I’m lacking luster, inspiration and drive. My Tinker Bell with her magic wand and fairy dust has been taking a long coffee break. It’s about time she returns. I miss the flutter of her wings.

In the meantime, I have been working hard, putting one foot in front of the other. I am trying to do different, making new ruts instead of falling into the same old. My brain fights for the comfortable and familiar. I fight to keep it awake. I’m taking an online art class and trying stuff that I didn’t think I would care for – like doing a collage. In the process of doing, I find that it is pleasurable, almost exciting. I’m learning about new techniques, different paints, art supplies and tools.

I am also learning about story telling. This exercise is about using a power animal for healing. I chose the snake in a Chinese Legend of the White Snake. Thinking of all the positive attributes I want her to have, I wrote them on the page. I’m incorporating, breathing in these attributes as I paint a background for my snake maiden. Since it is my mother who told me the story, she is my White Snake Maiden. I did a sketch of her from a photo when she was a young woman.

I am discovering that I could enjoy new things – things that I thought I wouldn’t like. I am kicking my lazy brain in the butt. It is hard. I want to sleep. I want to snack. It is January, winter, the time for the hibernation instinct. I cut myself some slack. I have a snack.

My collage is not yet done. It’s taken a new story. The story will have to wait till next time.

DISAPPOINTMENT – Day 161 in a year of…

Posted on January 3, 2017 by hafong

Day 161, January 3, 2016 @7:11 pm

I have the grouchies with this cold weather. I wonder why my ancestors immigrated to this part of the country/world. Why not Australia or some other parts of the South Pacific? If it has to be America, why not San Francisco or Vancouver? No, there’s no point in wondering. We’re here in cold frigid Saskatchewan. Best to save my energy for coping. Would be easier if the weather was not so extreme – from melting to arctic temperatures overnight. But there’s nothing easy about this winter.

Okay, bitching over. I’m here on day 161 in my year of doing different. I’m inching forward each minute, each hour, each day. A drop in the bucket at a time will eventually fill it. Clearing one spot each day will create more space to do more. Changing one thing a day can create the domino effect.

I’m trying to be patient with my brush strokes. I gave my girl a different skintone – peaches and cream. Not liking it now but will let it sit. Not all changes are pleasing. Disappointment is not a bad thing. It leads to more changes. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a new day.

KEEPING WARM, STAYING SANE

Posted on January 10, 2015 by hafong

Another cold Saskatchewan winter morning but the sun is up and at it. I have to smile and be grateful for every little bit of sunshine. January is not an easy time for a writing challenge, or any challenge. Coping with the cold, snow and layers of clothing is taking a heavy toll. Perhaps I should stop thinking and talking this way. I am adding more weight to the burden.

It is not easy to be positive in these times. Yesterday driving home from the dog park and the library, I listened to the news of the shootings in Paris. Locally a 19 year old man had died from a drug overdose. He had taken a fake version of OxyContin. The deaths from both cases seemed senseless to me. It is best not to try too hard to understand it. The times are in turmoil and we are all in it, trying to find our way and doing the best we can. We are all experiencing our difficulties.

My words not coming easily, I gave up. I followed Sheba’s example and stretched out on the love seat with a book. I watched the sunlight dance on the wall. If I can’t write, I can always read. The book is a good choice and a very good read – Touch by Alexi Zentner. It is a novel about the woods, an Anglican priest and the Canadian winter.

The afternoon is almost over. The sun has set. I have found a few words after all. My roomba has done a fine job with the floor today. Life is more pleasant and easier without Sheba’s hair everywhere. We even went for a walk in the cold – me bundled up and Sheba in her fur. All is well.

WHAT IS

Posted on January 6, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 6th day of the new year. Can I say I am weary and Sheba is getting on my one nerve that is left? She is the neediest dog ever, wanting to be stroked, cuddled and held 24/7, always nudging, cajoling. Come on, come on!

Enough already, Sheba! I’m trying to write. Her hair is everywhere – stairs, living room, kitchen, on my keyboard. What we put up with for our critters. I hope my Roomba comes this week. The severe weather has delayed its delivery. I am seriously disappointed that it didn’t come today.

But life goes on and so does the cold. It is still just January. I better readjust my attitude and hold on. There is still a lot more to come. At least there’s sunshine and I have a warm home. The fireplace is working. The larder is full and the wine is fermenting. What more can I ask for?

Okay, a cold wind is blowing but Mr. sun is still shining and the snow ever so white and clean. The garden isn’t blooming but all the beauty and the potential is there. Soon it will be time to order the seeds for planting. For now just sit back, relax and appreciate what is.

BEGIN THE BEGUILE

Posted on January 4, 2015 by hafong

It’s the 4th day of 2015 and it is bitterly cold. I am depleted of energy, ambition and creativity. The cold has sapped me of all, though Sheba and I went around the neighbourhood in – 36 degrees C. Perhaps I overdid it yesterday with the swimming and then a long trek in the dog park. It wasn’t as cold then, but my phone and camera both died simultaneously.

I’m trying to find some oomph. I thought I could bake myself out of this slump. I bought out my baking sheets. Then I put them back. I’m sitting here at the keyboard. My fingers are stiff and achy with the weather. I’m pushing myself. Just begin! I scold myself. Type one word, any word and the rest will come. Does that sound familiar to you? It does work, once you start and make a commitment. Funny how that works.

I went to Nova Scotia once to meet a group of email friends I met on the internet. We were from various locations in Canada and the United States. It started out as a whim, just wishful thinking. I ~~was not~~ am not adventuresome nor brave especially in the travel alone department. But somehow I went alone to meet these people. I had a car rented. I don’t drive well direction-wise either. With a car rented, I couldn’t just sit at the airport for a week, could I? I had to begin.

I did get lost once or twice. Most likely it was more often. But I managed to meet up with my friends and spent a few days of good times in Halifax and thereabouts. Then I went on solo to Prince Edward Island, the home of Anne of Green Gables. I was so thrilled driving over the Confederation Bridge, all alone, by myself – the woman who still gets lost in her home city of Saskatoon! And there I was – in Charlottetown. I had someone snap this picture just to prove to myself that I was there.

Had I not made a start back in 2002, had I just dismissed the idea that I couldn’t – act on a whim, I would not have met all the wonderful people who are still my friends today. We have lost two of these friends. I would not have all these warm memories and pictures to rouse me out of my malaise to begin anything on this cold winter day.

THE CHANGING OF THE CLOTH

Posted on December 30, 2013 by hafong

Christmas is over. My table is empty of food but my heart is full. I have been silent this last while, resting and catching my breath. It is not just from the holiday season but maybe from my whole life.

Sometimes it is good to be silent and let things be. Let the dust of life settle on its own. The picture might be clearer in the end. But I can see that it’s slightly askew. No matter. It is still a pretty picture. A little touch will straighten it out. We all need those little touches. We want those touches, those caresses, hugs and pats on the head.

The mornings are still so cold and dark even though the days are suppose to be getting longer. In the darkness before I rise, dark thoughts come into my head. I know they are not real and yet sometimes they drag me down. I try not to linger in its gloom. I get up and begin the routine of another day.

My qigong movements do not feel smooth and flowing. It is difficult to be in the moment with the breath but I do my best anyways. It is -30 C this morning but I put on my winter gear and head out of the door with Sheba in tow. The sun is out, the air chilled but no wind.

And now, here I am, a cup of hot chocolate beside me, tap, tapping away. I have found my voice again. The darkness is gone and I am bathed in sunlight. 2013 is almost gone. To welcome the new year, I have put out something new and bright. It is the tradition of my ancestors. Let us look forward to happiness and prosperity. Gong Hey Fat Choy!

THINKING WARM, THINKING CLEAR

Posted on January 30, 2013 by hafong

So it was -32 C this morning – pretty cold by any standard! But I did not feel it. In my mind I was sitting out on the deck of ‘our’ chalet at Escape3Points by the ocean in Ghana. I can hear the ocean and feel the balmy warmth of the morning. I watched the birds looking for crumbs from our breakfast. And not long after, the puppies came to visit.

I’m marveling at the power of my mind. It is not that these images in my mind help me ‘make it through’ the winter, for I truly love the season. I love the whiteness/brightness of the snow. I love the crispness of the cold winter air. I feel my best on those cold, cold still January days when the sun is shining so bright and I’m purring in the warmth of my sun room.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I get my share of cabin fever. A long stretch of gloomy winter days does me in. It makes me feel like I’m struggling, struggling and not getting anywhere. But maybe that is just another cycle of life. Wouldn’t it be boring if we’re happy and bubbly all the time? Wouldn’t we look like a commercial for Pepsodent toothpaste or Spearmint gum with our shiny toothy smiles? Oh, how bland!

There are difficult days in the heat of summer or on a tropical island, I am sure. But I don’t think anyone dare whisper any hint of it. Funny. So, of course, it has made me feel worse when I get those terrible blues in the summer, when all was so perfect and everyone so happy….school was out and everyone was on vacation. Hmmmm. I know better now. I see clearer now.

Now, I embrace whatever season that it is. Each has its beauty. Each has its faults. I embrace wherever I am in the moment. Like the seasons, each place has its own beauty and detractors. Beauty and value are in the eyes of the beholder. And drama exist everywhere, for we are the players. I embrace all the times I’ve been in, for it is from these times that I learn and grow and love and live.

ONE DOG A-LEAPING

Posted on January 12, 2013 by hafong

So today is the twelve day of January and it is cold outside, baby. Seems like long ago that Sheba and I headed out to the park no matter what. Today she is equally happy to languish with me in the warmth of the sun room. I guess we are both getting soft with the years.

But isn’t it an awesome picture of her, so full of energy and happiness? I KNOW that she is in my life for a reason….to lead the way when it is dark, to get me up when I’m down, to lean on when I am weak, and to love me when I feel forsaken.

We will head back to the park soon. We will run and leap down by the river. We will hear the crunch of snow beneath our feet and see the steam from our mouths. But on this 12th day of January we are happy to languish and loll.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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