Tag Archives: thoughts

What July is Teaching Me

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It is amazing how time slips away when I am not paying attention. I had intentions of writing this post this morning but look. It is afternoon. I also had intentions of attacking the weeds in the yard this morning, too. I don’t know what happened. Grocery shopping took longer than I anticipated. I hadn’t done it for a long time. I gave that up to the guy after he complained I took too long and bought too much. He’s away sailing. It is our grocery day and it is Seniors Day. I had to take on the shopping challenge.

What I have learned is everything takes longer than anticipated. Everything is harder/easier than I thought. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I fail. I’m learning to look at all outcomes as learning experiences. Mistakes are great teachers. They teach me to try different things and different ways. Now I look at them as great adventures. Wayne Dyer was right when he wrote Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life.

I’ve read that book and I know that it is true. But there’s different levels of knowing. Now, in this moment, I really know it. It is that AHA moment. Just Like great ideas, if you don’t write it down, it will disappear again. That’s why I write and participating in these Ultimate Blog Challenges. And I do love words and how they can flow into pictures and stories. It pays to take the time to sit and work at it when I’m blocked. There’s value for my time instead of letting it slip away scrolling through things that don’t matter a damn.

It’s almost the end of the afternoon. It is not all lost. I got a wee bit of weeding done. Being overwhelmed by those creeping bellflowers, I thinned some of the carrots instead. It is very hard work, bending over the raised bed, assessing and pulling. I muttered quite a bit. It’s no wonder some people do not garden. It is much easier to get the vegetables from the store. It’s not just growing and harvesting. There’s storing them, too. We still have carrots harvested last autumn. Though I muttered a lot, I know I will get over the hard stuff and keep doing it till I can’t. I guess that’s passion.

MAY MOMENTS – thoughts and reflections

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There’s not much of May left. I thought I better make time for some thoughts and reflections. My heart and mind are not co-operating. They are not peaceful or restful. Hurry up, hurry up is reverberating through my head. This heart of mine is on a fast beat. I feel restless and unsettled. I did the 18 movements of my Quigong routine to soothe it. Perhaps I should have drank chamomile instead of ginseng tea. Ginseng seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it would give me more energy and concentration and I do have a lot of ginseng.

No matter. I need to get on with the program. The rhythmic tapping of the keyboard seems to be helping. It’s like acupressure for my fingertips. Do whatever works is my motto. The simpler the better. And don’t overthink everything. I am good at thinking up solutions but it’s another to follow through. Isn’t that true for most of us? We know what we’re suppose to be doing for our own good and the good of others and the world. Knowing and doing are two different things. I’m working on bringing the two together.

It’s no easy task. And today it is especially difficult as my brain is all over the place. It is hard to focus, to pay attention to the now. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t try, put in an effort and get some results. It’s much like trying to rid of those troublesome bluebells that’s overtaken my front yard. Last summer I spent hard labour covering them over with newspaper and cardboard and mulching them with grass clippings and sawdust. After the recent rain, their roots have crept through any cracks and holes and my nicely mulched area is dotted with their green leaves. I felt very defeated and overwhelmed but not enough to let my hard work go to naught. I spent an hour peeling back the covers and pulling them out by the roots. That’s what I would have to do – be regular and persistent.

The day is overcast. I’m feeling the clouds and pessimism. I can’t help it and don’t fight it. Feelings are real and not real. I can still move and do no matter my emotion. I’m exhausted but not frozen in. I can still breathe. I’m not thinking very well at the moment but I’ve made a list of solutions for a problem. I’m craving for something sweet. It feels like an impossible task but I think I will hoist myself up and make some muffins.

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I survived yesterday. I was able to hoist myself upright and made those muffins. What felt impossible was possible when I decided to start – one step at a time until the task was done. I did not think the whole picture – how many steps and how much time was involved. I surprised myself with success – 17 pumpkin muffins and everything cleaned up after. I even made soya sauce chicken in the Instant Pot for supper. It felt good to overcome my mental and physical fatigue. I will store that feeling of success for future use.

It is 7:30 on a Sunday evening. The day has been mostly cloudy with short spurts of sun. I’m not quite as exhausted as yesterday. I had a good rest having succumbed to sleep before 10 pm. I should not doubt myself or feel so defective because I am so sensitive to the weather. It is a very real physical thing. It is ok not to be on top of the world all the time. Last night it felt so delicious to hit the bed, close my eyes and sleep.


MAY MOMENTS

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It’s the jolly month of May. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. Everything is greening. Yet instead of jolly, I feel the beginning of a moody blue, a sense of foreboding, a dull ache behind my eyes. I like to close my eyes and dive into bed and hide beneath the covers. But I do not. My head is filled with swirling debris of useless thoughts going nowhere.

Unable to clear and dust my inner space, I started to do so to my outer world. I gathered up my ski pants, mitts, gloves, scarves, hats and headband. They’re washed and hanging up to dry and another load of various items are swirling in the washer. The kitchen floor is swept. The makings of a stirfry are prepped, waiting for me to throw them into the frying pan. I’m sipping a cuppa decaf. I crave a cuppa of anything when thus. I’m trying to stay on the narrow low caffeine path. I might stray today.


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I did not stray too badly yesterday, having only an extra cup of decaf. I can rationalize that I’ve earned it, having taken my 90 plus mother for another medical appointment. It seems we’ve travelled a long and rocky medical path. Now we are on the last stage. I should be grateful that it is a much smoother and pleasant experience. I am and yet I can’t help but wondered why it wasn’t so before. I thought I had reconciled that I/we did the best I could. And whatever happened, I/we did alright. My mother will be turning 92 this July. She and my father are still living in their house on their own with minimal help from us.

I should have stayed with those thoughts but I’m not always in control. Bad thoughts and questions filtered through. Could I have done better as an advocate for my mother? Why didn’t I insist on this and that? Why didn’t I do this or that? If I had, maybe their health would be better today. So those thoughts go round and round inside. They immobilized my being. I’ve felt responsible for my parents’ lives most of my life. That’s what happened when I’m an immigrant child of immigrant parents. They do not understand or speak English well. I’m been their appointment taker and translator. It’s hard to be objective and not feel guilt.

So this is where I’m at in this jolly month of May. It’s 6:30 in my morning. I’ve been up since 5:15, unable to sleep more despite a little sleep aid last night. I’ve had my cuppa Orange Pekoe. I do want another but I’ll try a dandelion tea instead. I’m making a concerted effort not to let my strong emotions control me. I can. I can. The sun is beaming in agreement. I’ve tapped out my stored stagnant energy. I can breathe and move again to live another day.

WEEDING MY INNER GARDEN

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April 20th. Another new dawn. Another new day. The sun is gracing us with its presence. We are joyous. I’ve been in the greenhouse, raised the shade and removed the cardboards from the windows. The nights are still cool, dipping into the minus. Every little bit of heat I can help retain is worth the effort. I harvested some brokali greens for a stir fry for lunch and did a little weeding. They don’t need much sun or heat to thrive. If I don’t take care, they will take over. That’s what happened with my garden within. I haven’t paid attention and the weeds have invaded my head space. Now comes the painful but needed task of weeding within.

The important thing is to create a clean canvass each morning. Put up boundaries so overwhelm cannot come in. In this case, I’m fencing out intrusive and negative thoughts, trashy tidbits from the world wide web and any distractions clamoring for my attention. It is important that I think of only the thing I’m doing/working on at the moment. When I’m writing, I should be thinking only of what I am writing. It is a hard task since I’ve set my brain on autopilot for so long. Now I have to work to take back control. It can be done. First, I need to have a plan. I need to know where the trouble plots are in the garden of my mind. I need to know what weeds are growing in each plot and then to find the right solution.

It’s late afternoon. I’ve come back to this plot to work on the weeds. I have just a little more to do and then I will call it quits for today. I must not bite off too much all at once. Working in small squares add up. I’m staying on track with set goals and intentions. I have not over indulged on my cuppas, having one Orange Pekoe in the morning and a decaf in the afternoon. I noticed that I really would like another after the decaf. I think it’s the sugar and cream calling me. The pumpkin chocolate chip muffin added its voice. I resisted their calls. A good ending for this 22nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am pleased.

STAYING WITH STUCK

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Photo by imustbedead on Pexels.com

Here’s that time again to write something for the Ultimate Blog Challenge and myself. It’s not so easy this time around. I struggle with it every day. Yesterday I started to down size my cup of tea, making it a literal cup – one in the morning and one in the afternoon. So far so good but I am feeling some difficulties. Before when I feel stuck about anything, I would make myself a cup of tea. I guess it’s really a procrastinating tactic. I’m putting off, buying some time. Now I can’t do that. I have to stay stuck with those feelings. It doesn’t feel great.

Since it is only day 2, I can’t give up yet. I have to stay with these stuck feelings. Besides, my heart still skips, though less. It’s worth it. I tell myself to stay. The treat will be a healthy steady heart. I tell myself to breathe, sit tall and breathe out slowly. Stay the course. I am realizing how little tolerance I have with feelings of discomfort, be it uncertainty, boredom, anxiety…. I want distraction, cover ups, any escape route that is possible. Of course, I know in my heart there is no escape. We have to face/deal with whatever it is eventually.

So here I am at the end of the day. I have survived. I have had just one cup of Orange Pekoe tea and one cup of decaf. Not really truly missing or suffering the decrease. What is bothersome is that now there is not the ritual of making a cuppa to delay whatever I’m dreading or reluctant to do. Now I have to do something else in its place. Today I got the bathroom and kitchen floors washed. I walked to the bank and fixed a problem. They are not hard things to do but these days, they are in with many other things I don’t like to do. I think technology and all our gadgets have made me lazy and changed my brain somehow. I’m much more comfortable just living in my thoughts. And I know that’s not really living and it is not healthy. I have to move and do.

Well, this is the end. Not a great post. It’s really me problem solving by putting out/down my thoughts. It’s hard to hold them inside. They go round and round in my head with no resolution. They had to come out.

TOO MUCH COFFEE

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January 10. The Ultimate Blog Challenge

I drank too much coffee today. I forgot myself and didn’t specify that I wanted a decaf when I ordered my breakfast. Since they’ve already poured it, I didn’t want to make a fuss. When I went for a refill, I forgot again! I’ve been a little jittery since I got home. I’m drinking hot water like mad to flush it out of my system. I hope I can sleep tonight. There was a time when I drank coffee all day long at work, came home and had a large mug of coffee before bed and never think of it. Of course in those days of when I was a nurse, I never slept much. I took pride in how well I functioned on how little I slept. I’m sure that I was brain damaged then.

When I retired in 2013 I crashed. The sleep deprivation, stress and everything that was suppressed by fatigue all caught up with me. It took 3 years to catch up all the sleep I missed and to flush the caffeine, the stress and anxiety I had absorbed working in a hospital environment. I also took pride in how well I functioned having crashed so totally and heavily. How foolish and vain I was. Perhaps it’s that Chinese trait of saving face in me. It would have been easier and healthier if I had just stop, curled up and rested. But I guess that’s not who I was/am. Today I am still taking pride in striving, but I am more moderate and balanced.

I haven’t drank this much coffee since until today. I think I will be OK. It’s only 2 medium cups whereas in my younger golden days, it was many, many cups. It was my way of staying awake and on my feet. I still like to be alert and on my feet but I don’t need the caffeine to do it now. It’s fresh air and exercise. I had plenty this morning on the ski trail. It was early and I was all alone in a white winterland. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was marvelous.

Hmm. I’ve had another cup of hot water. I think I’ve tapped out much of my jitteriness. I think I will do some stretches to further relax me. I’ve been sharing thoughts and memories from 2011 this month. I will carry on the theme. Today’s share is on retirement.

THIS THING CALL RETIREMENT – OCT. 1, 2011

Retirement has been on my mind for awhile now.  It seems like that is what we should strive for….all our lives.  There is this message to work hard so that one day in the far off distance, we can finally do what we REALLY want to do.  I don’t hear THEM, whoever they are, talk about doing the thing that we want now.  And why don’t we? 

I’m feeling that it is not yet my time to retire from my profession.  There is still things for me to do and learn within that framework.  And to tell the truth, I still love what I do.  I’m feeling power in that knowledge. I’m feeling a great sense of freedom….to do what I like and to stop when I don’t.  I’m rethinking what ‘work’, ‘retirement’ and life mean.  I don’t think one needs to stop working in order to have a life.  One needs to do what gives him a sense of worth, a sense of joy, accomplishment…..to have a life.  And of course, we need balance.  Too much of anything, even a good thing like work or leisure time, is not what living is all about. 

And do we ever truly retire…from life?  I hope not.  I hope that when I am ‘tired’ of, or not physically able to work my present profession, I will find another something or another that has given me so much in return.

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My Long Service banquet

TAMING MY BEAST

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December 27. I’m having one of those early morning awakenings when I can’t fall back to sleep. It was better for me to get up rather than lay in the dark with dark and unpleasant thought and feelings. It is 7:00 am an -12℃ outside. I’m on my second cup of tea, have scrolled through social media and played today’s Wordle. It would be better if I could skip the scrolling but it’s become part of my morning routine for waking up. 

Surprisingly, my bad thoughts and feelings dissipated with my rising, turning on the lights, brushing my teeth and having my cups of tea. I am surprised only because I have been/am paying attention to when these moods come and go. They had been more frequent in the past. I like to think that I now have a better handle on them. Even though I know better and that I am not alone, I feel alone. I know I am not a failure but feel so in these times.

So this is the nature of my beast. I have accepted and befriended it. I am becoming a scientist in its investigation. I wonder how I can use it for my betterment instead of detriment. For one thing, it has made me realize that I can control it. I am not at its mercy. It has driven me to seek not only the why of its existence but also ways to work with it so that life can be as easeful, pleasant and meaningful as possible. I’m seeking ways of being kinder to myself with less self blame.

It is not the best time to be a think tank when I am being squeezed by my beast. My brain is in a thick fog. It would’t be able to figure out how to get out of a wet paper bag. The best activities for me would be to clean anything – like wash the dishes, floors, windows. I can still draw pretty good in these moods. Tapping out the words and moods is soothing and comforting. Cross country skiing is my newest, most fun and effective tool. My mind and senses are fully occupied. There’s no room for dark and ugly thoughts.

This is it, all that I’m able to write today. I had fallen off my writing wagon for a week. A week ago, I was bright eye and bushy tailed. A week ago it was sunny and bitterly cold, in the -30s ℃. But I felt oh so well. I feel better now just remembering how good I felt. I will hang on to the memory. My spirit dipped on December 24 when it got cloudy and up to -16℃ overnight from -34℃. We’re in for a stretch of clouds and snow ahead. I’m geared to make my own sunshine.

WALKS AND THOUGHTS

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November 26. Another good morning. Another new day and blank page. The sun is smiling on me through the windows of my sunroom. I am surrounded by my clutter. That hasn’t changed. Perhaps I should not focus my thoughts on the clutter so much. More focus seem to have resulted in more chaos. It is a perplexing paradox. I shall set it aside for consideration in my spare idle moments.

I am not as gleeful as I want or could be. Perhaps I should do something about it. The sun is out. I should go for a walk and return some books to the library. Fresh air and exercise could resuscitate my drooping spirit.  I am torn though between that and tapping out more words here. But the sun is winning. I shall walk while the sun shines. My words can wait. I might have to work to dig them out later. It is the price I can afford. 

 

November 27. And so it is another new day. I never came back to the page after my walk yesterday. It was a longer walk than I had anticipated or remembered. It went on and on forever before I got to the library. My books felt heavier with every step. However, it was very worth it, being such a beautiful sunny day. I was mesmerized by the loveliness of trees in winter, their arms bared of summer leaves, twisting and reaching up to the sky. 

I was so happy to discover the library was opened when I finally arrived. Other times they were not opened or did not open till noon on the weekend. They had provisions for returning books through a slot. I was not concerned about that though. I was in need of a sit down and rest before making my way back home. It was wonderful to rest in the sunny sitting room. Finding another John Grisham novel, Sooley was an added bonus.

Today I am not so fortunate. There is no sun but I am lucky that I have my own sitting room, much like the one in the library though smaller. I’m always surrounded by light. Some days are brighter than others and I am grateful for any and all the light I get. I have to count my blessings however small they are some days. Today I am:

  • grateful that my heart is open to receiving.
  • grateful for my sunroom.
  • grateful for being in the centre of 3 city libraries. 

WHY AM I DOING THIS

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Good morning. Happy October 1st. There is no sunshine this morning. I will make my own. Today is the official first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve been warming up the past few days to ensure my success of showing up every day for the next 31 days. I’m no new comer. I’ve been doing the UBC for a number of years. I’ve missed only one, the last one, when I lost the joy and fun of it.

I’ve always written for the pleasure of putting words and pictures together – mostly for myself. I have no products to push. I do not promote my site but it’s such a pleasure and honour when someone finds my words worth reading. I’ve had my writing space since 2012. It’s a place I come to have conversations with myself to explore my inner landscape. It’s restful to tap out the letters, words and sentences. I love to see them marching across the screen. Thoughts without forms are elusive. They go round and round in the head, chasing each other, causing havoc. This way I am mapping out my thoughts. There’s direction. There’s order.

The Ultimate Blog Challenge is a good community to be in. It’s always better to have support and an audience. Even though we are an online community I can feel the presence and energy of the group. It’s always an adventure to meet and read someone new with different interests and slants on things. My goals for this time around is simple – write a post every day, obey the rules by reading the 2 posts before mine if I put mine in the thread, have fun and not get caught up in the itsy, bitsy hiccoughs of the challenge. Good luck to all of us. Happy writing.

SOULFUL SUNDAY

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Paying respects to our grandparents when all of us were in younger years.

I’m sitting amidst my paper clutter on this sunny Sunday. Not a dark cloud or a drop of rain for a change. No dark clouds from me either. For a change I am not fretting about my clutters or mutters. I am surprisedly at peace with it all. Hallelujah, eh? It would be wonderful if I could retain this chill most of the time. The thing not to do is search for the cause or sources of my bliss. I should have just sit and savour it and move on. BUT of course being me, I had to investigate and in doing so I caused myself some mild angst.

Since I did go down the trail of why, let me continue on and voice my thoughts. I had a visit from my neighbour across the back alley yesterday. We’ve been neighbours for over 40 years and had worked in the same institution but different departments for many years. We’re not close friends but neighbourly enough for her to call us on a few occasions for help. She has been a widow for about 14 years. She is quite hard of hearing even with her buds in. Long complicated conversations are rare. Sometimes she comes across as unfriendly and aloof because of it. However, yesterday, everything was in working order. She was cheerful and outgoing and hearing well. Conversation flowed. She was so content and peaceful, I think I’ve caught her mood.

Today our family did our annual visit to my grandparents’ place in the cemetery. We did not burn incense or paper money. We did not pour libation but paid our respects with our bouquets of flowers. It was my mother’s wish as she thinks it will make it easier and simpler for us when she and my father are no longer here. I think we might put it back next year. It is not hard to do and I do miss those rituals. Afterwards we had take out lunch on our enclosed deck. It was warm enough for mom and dad and cool enough for the rest of us. It was a perfect day for the cemetery and a family gathering on the deck. Covid has made me more sensitive and appreciative of such perfectness.

These 2 things, my neighbour and family, are most likely responsible for my feeling of well being. A thought did popped into my head that it might be a new supplement my doctor prescribed. I agreed to try it for 2 months and be reassessed. I’ve only started it yesterday. I was not going to look up the possible side effects. Against my better judgement I just did. My bliss kind of fizzled a little but I smartened up, realizing how strong and fast my thoughts affect how I feel. So, I’ve deleted, deleted and deleted those thoughts in my head.

It’s been a busy week. I’m fallen off my Monday, Wednesday, Friday routine of posting. But I have shown up here Monday and Sunday. It is good enough.